D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Monday, April 7, 2008

Why I Have Become Queer?

That's the question which kept bugging me since I was a teenager until such time I have accepted that I am gay. I could not find the answer until I've read Frank Worthen's This Way Out, so might as well live with it and be true to myself then tried having sex with a guy for the first time in late 2002. My indulgence in same sex relationships lasted till early 2008 and as of this writing I am celibate for more than a month now, no sex and no masturbation. Thanks for the Holy Spirit and Lord Jesus Christ! He saved me. But honestly I don't know until when I can do this. I don't want to do it anymore because the guilt feeling was far worse than what I have felt when I was not a Christian yet. Now it's different, when I gave in to temptation after I have received the Holy Spirit during the Alpha Course weekend get away; I realized that the feeling when I was doing it was not the same as before. Comparing sex to food, if it used to be delicious now it tastes like mud for me. In addition to that, I have almost cried for I have betrayed the Lord once again. After that incident, I always try to remember that bitter feeling so I won't let myself act on any temptation again. Besides, I have submitted myself including my sexuality to the Lord so I let Him to fight for me on this battle. It was the suggestion of Frank Worthen when you became a Christian and have decided to walk in light with the Lord, total submission. It means I have to decide to leave homosexuality or any homosexual acts and begin restoring my distorted sexuality to its original state as to what God Has created me originally, which is becoming a real man.

Temptation is everywhere I tell you, and being a goodlooking sexy guy like me most of the time they are coming right after me just like that. It's hard to resist especially when the guy giving me a hint is my type as well. I already deleted all my internet account; these are websites that allow men to meet with other men like guys4men.com, manjam.com, and many other gay websites. Also I have changed my phone number so that I will lose all my gay contacts though I retained a few which we considered real friends with no sex involved. Next thing I am going to do is to dispose all my gay porn videos and magazines, only a few but still it will become a source of a sinful act and my old life should not have any remnants. My mind, the places that I can't avoid because that's the only way, and the attractive guys that I see when I am out there are the things left that is part of this spiritual warfare. Being a Christian in this kind of battle is really hard; there are times that I really wanted to give in. I pray very hard and run to the bible whenever I feel that way. Like I said in my previous posts, this is my hardest spiritual battle as a new Christian. Somehow, I also blamed my homosexuality for acquiring HIV so it must be stopped once and for all. Supposedly it should have been ceased after knowing that I am HIV positive. At first it was my decision, but there are support groups and other people I have met at the hospital encouraging HIV patients to still have sex only with condoms. Later on I went with the flow but honestly I have fear that I might get my sex partners infected so I must be really put an end to this. The root of this dilemma is my homosexuality but why on earth I have become like this?

This Way Out was a huge help for me to answer this question, I am going to share with you people every thing I have learned from this book; every step and every chapter of it on my next posts. First, let me tell what I have found out for myself through this book. I thought that it was inborn for me like the reason of many other gays. Tracing back my childhood, I think it started when my elder brother refused to play with me. I used to follow him everywhere he goes but perhaps he was annoyed by me, he told me once to stop going out with him. He has other playmates, and then my elder sister became my playmate. We played paper dolls and other girly stuffs. I am aware that I should not be playing those but I have no choice. As a kid, my cousins used to tease me sissy. I can't get mad coz I am not sure if I can win if I fight them back. Due to the influence of my sister I think, somehow I became effeminate in some ways. When I was in elementary, I got mad when my classmate teased me that I am gay. Deep down inside me I know I am not and I don't want to be. Then high school came and then I started to feel attraction with the same sex especially the good looking juniors and seniors. During this period, I have tried to be reserved and act masculine so as not to be branded as gay by my schoolmates. It's kind of embarrassing coz were not kids anymore and we began to have crushes and fell in love. What's so confusing about me was that, I fell in love with my classmate Lisa. I think I have mentioned her back in my previous post. She's my first and only love that I was willing to disdain this other personality of mine only if we could be together and raise a family with her. I even courted her when we're seniors already. When she broke my heart after college, somehow it triggered me to explore my homosexuality.

When I was a kid, I was closer to my mother than to my father and I think until today it's the same situation. We're the type of family who are not showy of our feelings and emotion except when we're mad. It runs in the family because my father is a little bit of war freak and very ill tempered most especially when it comes to our family. My father was used to be the typical father in the Filipino setting that he just provided what his family he thought would actually need. Of course, our parents are always concern with us kids and I think they raised us well to be a good citizen of this country. We learned to value good things and traits because of them. But hey they are no perfect parents like others, for me, my father was emotionally absent as I grew up. This is the biggest factor that affected my sexuality but I don't blame him. In fact I have forgiven him already because that's his personality, not vocal and showy of his feelings to us. Also, I have an uncle who seduced me in a not obvious way when I was 12 or 13. We became close that we went biking almost every morning; he's riding his bike with me in front sometimes at the back. He took advantage of this closeness that there were times when he used to touch my legs, arms, and nipples in a joking way when we're alone. It felt good that time for me and I was still innocent but it never came to a point that I think I was somewhat molested. No touching of private parts happened perhaps he's afraid to do it. In a way, this incident also affected my sexuality. Since my father was emotionally absent for me, it explains my attraction to older or matured guys. The closeness I had with my uncle have somewhat kindled my sexual need with the same sex. I have accepted being queer when I met people like me, gained some friends, and eventually found out that there are thousands or millions out there like me. All of them are practicing homosexual lifestyle and looks like they are happy. As for me, first few encounters were alright. Previously I have told that after every sexual encounter I felt guilty then I became used to it. I know that I don't want to do it because it gave me the feeling of being used and emptiness. It's just that I have no control over it then unlike now that God is with me. Because of my promiscuous lifestyle and stupidity, I got awarded with the lifetime achievement award of being promiscuous. I have become HIV positive so congratulations to me! Well, I am just kidding myself.

So it looked like my homosexuality was developed from a very young age to adolescence, it was not inborn after all. Homosexuality is a misguided search for love and affirmation. Based on my experience and testimony of others, no same sex relationship lasted forever. Most of the same sex couple opted to stay together for companionship, they are still fooling around. What kind of relationship is that? In short, there is no satisfaction. The search for a right guy is never ending because obviously it is wrong and again, misguided. The solution is to stop the homosexuality, submit ourselves to God and keep focus on Him, lift up to the Lord this battle, and start returning the distorted sexuality to its original state according to God's will. That is being a real man of God.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

nice blog....we have the same experience almost. I hope I can do the same like what you did.

E L R o i said...

Thanks for the comment and for visiting my blog....you can do it if you surrender it to God.