Abstinence and Risk Avoidance

The group has just finished the training of facilitators and pilot testing of the adolescent reproductive health module I have worked on for the past months through my leadership. In fact, I am still at the venue while I am writing this blog.

Generally, the "Abstinence and Risk Avoidance" for Filipino youth training went well. In spite of the very bad weather caused by the tropical storm "Ondoy", more than the target number of youth participants to participate on the pilot testing came over. Based on the evaluation of all the participants, they have a wonderful and amazing experience and were glad to be a part in learning even one of the five units of the whole module.

For me, the highlight of this event was when the Lord prompted me to tell my life story during the training of facilitators. At first, I have no intention of doing that because this is not Channels of Hope workshop. But when some of these soon to be new facilitators for this program were having a hard time understanding the homosexuality part, I have no choice but to tell them the truth. To ensure that it was really right to share my testimony, I even asked God a clear signal to go and He really gave me one so I did it.

I don't know if all of them were blessed but it does not matter. I believe it touched their hearts as I saw them crying with me as I shared my life to them. Some of them gave me a hug and a pat on my back. One of them has decided to name her grandchild after me to my surprise! I said wow! I was almost speechless and elated at the same time when this jolly woman approached me to ask if it's alright with me.

Every time I talked about the Christian truth about homosexuality, it always creates a lot of questions out of bewilderment. If you can remember, the same thing happened when I was invited to be a resource speaker in Sri Lanka last year on their HIV and AIDS national youth conference to talk about this issue.

All I can say is that, God has been and will always be good and faithful to me in this journey. Truly I have experienced His strong presence in me during these times which depict the peace and happiness I have in my heart.

Some of them might have understood it and accepted the Christian view on homosexuality through my life but still there are a few who were left unconvinced and confused. Well, that's all I can do for now and I will let God speak to them personally regarding this matter.

Undeniably, this program has a touch of my life on it and I would understand if some of them will leave out the homosexuality part when they began teaching it because it is not easy to comprehend and to grasp in one seating; that's what I told to these new facilitators.

My contract will end three days from now and I have no idea what will happen next. I have made plans already accompanied with prayers of course but I do not know what His plans are for me. Not worried I must say but excited and looking forward to what God will be doing next.

I just want to thank the Lord and praise Him for this successful event. He's truly with me and us all throughout on this. Thank you Jesus and I give you back all the honor and glory. Amen

Major Fall

I hope I am not getting worst with the recent trials I have failed to win in the past few weeks of my Christian journey.

First, I got myself into a little flirting and cruising at the malls though they were all unintentional. Second I went to kissing and hugging guys during those times that I can't resist them, without having sex of course and then this sexual release for the first time after a little more than seventeen months of celibacy happened. After that I tried masturbating. And then last Saturday night I guess I had a major fall.

This guy followed me all the way to the ride station going to our house in the province. It turned out that he's attracted to me and well I am also attracted to him. Though I told him that I am a Christian and I have stopped having sex with guys he's very persistent of seeing me and befriending me that I cannot ignore him anymore. Eventually I said yes and I went out with him and have dinner at their house. I know this was a wrong decision because he's alone that time and it was not a safe place for the two of us and yet I still accepted his invitation.

We ate, talked and laid down together at the sofa (again wrong move!) then it happened. We started kissing and hugging each other and then I came to a point that I can no longer resist him and have finally succumbed to the desires of our flesh. I even mentioned to him that I am HIV positive and it's alright with him. There's no penetration happened because I did not want to. After that I said sorry to him and to God.

That night before I went to bed, I told God that this is too much and I hate it. What really stunned me was that, once again I did not feel a huge guilt or if ever I have guilt feelings, it was not strong. I did not understand that until last Sunday when I confessed and talked about this to one of my friends in the church. By the way, I have confessed it to my pastor and other counselors.

When I talked to this friend of mine about all of this, she said that it was the grace of God. Jesus Christ took away the shame and guilt and God allowed me not to feel that. At first I was confused but she told me that's how God love me so much and we're so intimate now that He did not allow me to feel that way. Of course He's against it and grieved over it but the tears I cried during the altar call last Sunday were tears over His presence I have been longing during the time when it's all happening. It's easy for me to ask forgiveness and go back to Him but honestly if I would not be careful, this could lead me to abusing His grace without knowing and I do not want that.

Also, I need to mention that I have believed in the mendacity of the enemy that since I have broken my promise to God there's no use of controlling myself anymore that's why I let myself that night. I have been feeling miserably over resisting the temptations for the past several weeks which I did not understand at first why I have been bombarded by temptations anywhere which I surmise is not normal. I missed being happy. Then later on I found out that it has something to do with my prayers to Him and all these are just part of the test and somehow I did not managed to pass.

I have learned my lessons and I have to stand up, stop believing the enemy's deceptions, dust myself off and continue walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I just hope and pray that this will be the last and painstakingly to be wiser next time to come up with the right decision. I have decided to be with Jesus no matter what happens for He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will stop being performance or goal oriented with my Christian walk because it's not doing me any good.

"Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson is the last book I read and it seems like I did not learn anything from it so I guess I have to read it again and this time put it in my heart. The book helps the reader to understand who we are in God and as a child of God and how to walk victoriously. I will share my review on this book in the near future here in my blog after finishing it for the second time.

Masturbation

After that inadvertent release of sexual urges a couple of weeks ago and realized that the promise I made to God has been broken, the enemy has lured me to another which is masturbation. This is my first masturbatory emission after more than seventeen months of celibacy and not having any natural release through wet dreams.

Alright I masturbated three or four nights ago trying to experiment if I can do it without thinking lustfully. Honestly, the only picture which came into my mind while doing it was kissing a guy with a blurred face but it was just a very fleeting moment. I have concentrated on touching and caressing parts of my body until I came.

Did I feel any guilt after? Sorry but I did not feel any guilt having this thought that it is possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts. I have a friend who's a Christian leader of this ex-gay ministry and according to him it is possible indeed that's why I tried it. Moreover, you must be disciplined so you will not be obsessed to it.

Why did I do it? I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I don't want to do it. In addition to that like I mentioned above, I just want to try it if it's possible and then see if I will feel culpable after.

A couple of nights ago, I was feeling the urge again but instead of getting into it I opted to pray and surrender it to Him and then tried to get to sleep. The enemy really knows when to attack because right after that prayer and lying on my bed, the guy I wanted to have done with it sent me a text message but I ignored it and went back to sleep. Also I have decided not to resort to masturbation having the fear that I might be addicted to it.

I have met a person who believes and earnestly advises that masturbation is for married people only. It becomes a sin because usually it is being done with lustful thoughts. The bible does not directly refer on this matter so it is viewed not inherently wrong. Well I guess I will try my best to abstain from doing it and pursue a holy and pure life with Jesus as long as I can with God's grace of course.

The Life God Blesses

This book by Gordon MacDonald talks about how we can weather the storms of life that threaten our soul. Here he compared our Christian life to a sailing boat and its foundation which is the keel below the waterline.

We often set out on life's voyage with little regard to the quality of our vessel. We are more concerned with our ship's appearance than we are with what lies below the waterline - the all important soul that acts as a keel to keep us afloat should the waters turn tempestuous.

Living out of the soul is the term he used to depict how we as Christians give high importance to the quality of our soul. We should have a soul shaped by mission and guides to have a beautiful soul of which I have shared earlier in this blog. I will share later on the mission we must have as Christians and soul's liturgy to be pondered on a daily basis to stay communing with God in our own moment of silence with Him.

The life God truly blesses is simply living in full dependency on Him for protection, wisdom and for resources with deep humility of which will made all the difference according to MacDonald. The soul is meant to be the energy center far below the waterline that provides the power to breakthrough circumstances and situations bogging down the ordinary person.

God Himself comes to dwell in the soul of people who open their lives to Him in faith. That is living out of the soul, a life God blesses. I highly recommend this book to everyone so I must thank my adopted mother from Palawan for giving me this book because I am truly blessed. Thank you mom for this book.