Dr.ELRoi

God's Promise for 2012

2012-01-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

When I was still a very new Christian, I often hear words of promises from the Lord through the gifted prophet's prayer in our church. After more than four years, almost all of them have happened already except for one promise which I think will take a little bit more of time.

The promise of becoming a father (either spiritually or physically) is the only one left to still happen out of those promises I received a couple of years ago, a promise that I hold on to when I want to give up during times of failures and testing. In fact, this was the promise used by God to remind me when I was struggling over a virtual long term commitment / relationship back in December 2011. Anyway, this year I received another word from Him because I asked for it.

The Lord will take away the hardness in my heart. He will remove my stone heart and replace it with a flesh heart. He will turn me to a man after His own heart like King David. These are the words of His promise for me that all I can remember. The person who released it even asked me if I prayed this prayer then I remember that I have prayed once or twice nearly a little over two years ago that I want to be like David, a man after God's own heart.

God will break my heart with things that breaks His as I understood it and He will give me finally a wise and discerning heart! Clearly another promise where I can rest and hoped for in this journey with Christ!

All we got to do is ASK. Ask and He will answer, Seek and you will find and Knock and surely He will open the door!

The Year That Was

2012-01-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

2011 was a great year for me generally speaking. It was a year of acceleration I remember as our church called it and indeed it was.

The ministry the Lord entrusted me has reached five countries from three. After my Bangkok trip on February, I was grateful to visit Singapore for communications training and spent time with my best friend. Together with most of my colleagues from the team, we attended training on Islam on May and saw the Petronas Tower in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I went to Cambodia to visit some of the projects on HIV and was blessed to see the Angkor Watt in Siam Reap on June. My abstract entree to the 10th ICAAP successfully granted me a trip to Busan, Korea on August and finally, my Pastor asked me to take part on the E21 event in Jakarta, Indonesia. God set a platform to all these places for me to share how HIV & AIDS bring the ultimate glory He always deserves to His name!

On the other hand, the struggle and temptations has also increased which virtually turn my direction into the wrong path in the last five months of the year. Its culmination, which I still can't believe up to this time, was that I nearly got married to a Dutch guy! Through all these failures and sins, God has been faithful and poured out an ocean like amount of grace. It made me realize once more that I cannot truly live my life without Jesus so I stick with Him no matter how painful it was. I am just glad that all these are over now.

But the best thing ever happened to me in 2011 was the very recent revelation I got from the book "Cat & Dog Theology" by Bob Sjogren and Dr. Gerald Robison. It helped me to rethink my relationship with God and made me understood at last the phrase "pleasing God over pleasing self and people". Life is not design by God to revolve around us but it was designed to be a series of opportunities to point to and reveal God's glory! God has created and planned everything as in "all" including the good, worst and even the extremely painful events in our life and in this whole world only to bring pleasure and greatest glory to Him and His name! What a revelation! It's all about HIM! That is what a "Dog" Christian is and will work my way of becoming one all the time in every aspect of my life.

Honestly, I have never been excited like this in my entire life for something I am totally clueless about! If there is one thing I am sure of is that 2012 will be way better than 2011 for I will start living passionately for the glory of God! Whatever I do, I'll do it for His pleasure and glory!

A blessed New Year to all!

Going Four Years - God's Enabling Grace

2011-12-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday December 13 marked the fourth year of my existence as a born again Christian!

My Pastor and I had our not so regular accountability meeting finally after several months because of our busy schedules with our own ministry work. Only then I was able to give him an update on what's happening or what I have been through, also now is the only time I will confess these things on my blog.

Everything started when I came back from Busan when my curiosity got opened again to the new things for me on gay sex which I found out from casual conversation with my gay friends and new people I met during this conference in Korea.

I told myself I will just try it once or twice then that's it and I will quit, so I joined again on this gay website just to find out that many people are really now into party (or partee) and play or pnp for short. It's having sex after taking E or ecstasy and for some I also learned that they use "ice" or shabu instead. And my roller coaster journey began.

The promise of doing the pnp once or twice did not happen though for the fact that what I've heard is true. That the feeling when you are high with its effect makes the act very pleasurable that you will definitely ask for more! It's kind of addictive that you want it whenever you want to have sex. Later on I met a Dutch guy who asked me to have a pnp with him and we unexpectedly hit it off which started from what we have in common and that is being HIV+. For the first time he never felt that accepted and comfortable with someone after a very long time according to him. He shared a lot of pain in his life which he have hidden in his heart for quite some time that I can relate to mostly and he said he never felt that free to be himself when he's with me. As for me, I honestly felt his pain and God's love flowed through my heart for him as he shared that we became even closer than we expected until he offered me the life once I was dreaming of as a gay person before! He was planning to marry me and settle in Europe!

Well I must admit that was very tempting, flattering and honestly I love it too but it also reminded me that it was not the path towards the realization of God's promise to me more than a couple of years ago. I have to choose between him and Jesus! Knowing all the truth from His words and through the guidance of my church, friends and Pastor, even it was too painful for me to choose the Lord and die to my desire, I did choose Jesus. Yes I broke his heart and mine as well twice with this decision. It hurt me that I have hurt him and it hurt that I hurt myself. It was almost an unbearable pain that I was crying for two days. I never thought I would fall for and miss someone whom I have been "together" for only two weeks.

I know I made the right choice and I have done a favor for both of us. This was confirmed by my Pastor last night. He also made me realized that God was crying also in pain with me that very moment and that God poured so much grace upon me on this to come up with the right decision! My Pastor, my boss at work and a very close girlfriend of mine were all very proud of me. But the best part, God is also very pleased. By the way, I have deleted my account on that gay website two days after "breaking up" with him to end all these foolishness.

Also it made me realize how He loves me and still I can't believe how I can allow myself to go this far. Indeed this event thought me a great lesson in my journey with the Lord that no matter what, I have to stand right with God.

When we choose to go either to the right or the left instead of walking straight to the path God set for us, things happen such as meeting people. Unexpected things happen in the process of knowing them and sometimes ending up liking or even loving them. As Christ's follower, we are mandated to love him and love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Hence, even these people we meet does not conform with our beliefs and principles based on God's words, we have no choice but to love them still even to the point of hurting them if necessary and even more painful....to the point of hurting ourselves by leaving them for a certain period of time just to stay within His will. But the saddest part is that, that the person might go astray more from Him. Truly dying to ourselves and to our own desires can be our greatest sacrifice for Christ, though it's incomparable to His suffering on the cross just to save and transform us, as evidence of our love for Him. Lord please forgive this son of yours and may these people forgive me too.

All these happened in the past five months in the midst of doing the ministry and now I am moving towards my fifth year in this journey with the Lord Jesus, excitedly looking forward to great things that God has in store for me. I am so grateful that God saved me and always faithful to me so thank you Lord so much.

World AIDS Day and CoH

2011-11-29T17:20:00.000-08:00

It's more than three years I have been serving the Lord through the CoH or Channels of Hope ministry. I can say that I have grown so much as an HIV positive person and as a Christian in doing this as I tell how the Lord has changed my life and turned my world around and how He is still changing me as a person up to this very moment.

Last week, the team conducted a two day workshop after more than three months and twenty colleagues have participated and finished the learning event. Once again for most of them, it was a life-changing or life transforming event for it not only altered their views on the issue itself but how are they as God's children too. They were so grateful that finally they were able to attend this workshop.

In relation to World AIDS Day theme for 2011 which is "Getting to Zero: Zero new infection; zero discrimination and zero AIDS-related death", Channels of Hope can greatly help to make this ambitious goal into reality. Thank God for this ministry that truly help faith based organizations and churches to respond in a Christ like way on HIV & AIDS.

It's high time the faith leaders must be involved in addressing this issue.

4th Western Visayas AIDS Congress

2011-11-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

Attending this conference in Talisay, Negros Occidental last week was my first time in the country and second time as a speaker to present the ministry that God has entrusted me and helped me to be where I am right now in this journey of life.

Similar to my experience in Busan less than three months ago, I was a bit nervous prior to my session, which was cut from 90 minutes to an hour only. It was the third largest audience I had since I began this work, approximately more than a hundred crown including some town councilors and a mayor!

At first, I was thinking of presenting my organization and our HIV ministry which is Channels of Hope and then I will tell my story in the end. When I stood in front, I believed with the leading from the Holy Spirit, I started in reverse. I told my story first and then the technical information of CoH which turned out very good and well received by the audience!

One delegate even told me that it was the best message and session in the whole congress! It was very fortifying, something new to them and truly inspiring! Many people were really blessed especially those who are also living with HIV. Once again, I cannot believe that what God has done and still doing in my life has such a great impact to people. It's like an affirmation that I am a man of hope as my friends calls me. I deemed God did an amazing job again for the nth time!

Prior to my talk, I was given the opportunity to see the city and the famous historical love mansion called "The Ruins". The love story behind this structure was absolutely romantic and sweet. Also I was able to taste the original Bacolod Inasal! Another blessed and wonderful trip indeed!

E21 Jakarta

2011-11-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

Indonesia is the ninth country I have visited and was able to see some spots in the city of Jakarta last week.

The reason why I went there was to attend and participate for the first time in a gathering of Christians and Christian Leaders all over Asia. The conference was called Empowered21 Asia which aimed to call God's people to live a Spirit-filled life in this time.

Eight tracks were featured in the three day event with revival night each evening lead by the likes of Cindy Jacobs. I participated mostly in the Empowering the Young Generation Track led by my Pastor and once in Worship Track where I got to see and hear Sidney Mohede of Indonesia, a well-known worship leader and musician in that country. Truly it was an overwhelming and hair - standing experience to worship and praise God with fellow believers from different nations.

The Lord also has given me a chance to share how He changed me and still changing me for a few minutes in one session and I heard that many people were touched and blessed. In fact, one delegate approached me to ask help and guidance on what to do with his friends having the same sex attraction or SSA.

My friend and colleague from Jakarta brought me to city and visited its landmark which is called the Monas, a tower at the heart of the city. We also went to the National Museum to see some relics from the Borobudur Temple, to the fountain monument, and to a couple of malls to do some shopping.

Though I have to be honest that I was not that excited when I am about to go to this trip but then I still had a great time there and realized this was still a blessing from the Lord that I should be thankful for! Even if I did not have a special moment with Him on this trip, which I have expected, I can say that God is always good indeed!

Abundant Grace

2011-10-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

My Pastor have invited me to share my testimony to this Christian gathering called Empower 21 to be held in Jakarta on the last week of this month.

This was mentioned to me few months ago and I said yes already because I actually had a plan of going there for a business meeting at work. Two weeks ago this trip was cancelled and now I have to shoulder all my expenses. I have wanted to back out because the ticket was quite expensive already. But my Pastor really wanted me to be there and I asked him why.

God's grace that I have, according to him, is pretty abundant that people need to hear someone like me who's struggling to live righteously in the name of Jesus. To cut the story short, I have finally decided to book a flight and be there as originally planned.

When I paused for a moment and think about what he told me, only then I realized that he was absolutely right. God has given me and continuously pouring out His abundant grace. Considering the sexual falls I had in the past several months, yet I am still here standing with my faith in Him and firmly holding on to the hopes and promises He has in store for me!

God has been faithful and will always be even when I am not. That's why I cannot brag about my love for Him simply for the reason that I fail Him every day over and over again. But I can brag about His love for me because He never fails. I need Jesus every second of my life for this life is not only for Him but it's all about Him. He always picks me up whenever I fall. He always forgives and wipes away all my transgressions and encourages me to continue running the race He set for me.

So even if I am unworthy, I will go there to testify to the gospel of God's grace because that is what the Lord wants me to do exactly, stand in His name and bring hope to many. For this life can only be lived righteously and possibly with God's abundant, amazing and ocean-like amount of grace!

First CoH Annual Forum

2011-09-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, 28 out of the 51 Channels of Hope Facilitators in the Philippines gathered for an annual forum. It's the first ever meeting of all the trained and certified "channels of God's hope" for people living with HIV and AIDS since it's launching in 2007.

The event served as a reunion of the first batch, second batch and those who were trained outside the country. It was also my first time to chair an event like this and I thank God for taking care of everything very well. From the preparations, program, sessions and until closing God was there! Truly when you entrust everything to Him, nothing can go wrong.

Everyone who attended had a great time. Re-commitment was done and plans were made to keep this God-given ministry going and continue reaching out more churches and other sectors. Hopefully, more and more will be sensitized on HIV & AIDS, empowered and will do their part to eliminate stigma and discrimination, help to prevent HIV infection and bring hope to those who are already affected and infected by this pandemic.

For with God, nothing is impossible.

10th ICAAP 2011

2011-09-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

It was my first time to attend a conference on HIV and AIDS such as ICAAP or the 10th International Congress on AIDS in Asia and the Pacific and this time it was held in BEXCO, Busan, Republic of Korea last August 26-30, the eighth country I have visited.

God has been gracious to send me there. I just sent an abstract which was fortunately chosen for a poster presentation. At first I have no intention of going there for two reasons, my project has no budget for this trip and I do not want to incur another absence from my class. But God obviously wanted me to be there, the budget was provided from another health project and I found out when I returned that our class was canceled!

Only few people were interested to know more about my poster which was about churches as channels of hope for PLHIV but still felt glad and blessed to share it with them! I went there not just for the poster, our counterpart office in Korea asked me to do a skills building workshop on "Channels of Hope" with my other colleague and friend. It was well received by the people who have attended and all I got were all very positive feedback! One participant even thought that now he just found the missing piece in the puzzle of this ministry! I kind of agree with him because what I learned and realized from participating in this conference was I guess....all the works for HIV are meaningless unless God is included. It seems almost everybody is missing the whole point. Christians are also very few. Well this is just my opinion though that's how I see it.

One thing was sure, God did not fail me for He was there I know during my whole session and trip. But the good news ends here because I have to admit that I failed Him once again the night after that victory! Yes and I am very sorry. There were so many attractive guys out there and I fell into one. In conferences like this, I have learned that gay men are everywhere and it's easy to meet new men from different places and make friends with them. What drew me to him aside from physical attraction was his religiousness and the spirituality he shared with me then later on in our conversation, I found out he's married to a man too. And then it happened. I knew God has forgiven me but I still feel very bad about myself. Thankfully, God has spoken to me this morning through the message at the Sunday service. He reminded me of His love and presence. Truly I can no longer live without God even in the midst of this SSA struggle but still I have to do my part in this process of change. I am so glad Jesus came for all of us. It's only by His grace that I can humble myself before Him whenever this sin or any other sins I make happens.

With the exception of that peccadillo, the whole trip was generally great and blessed. We were able to visit places and bought some good stuff for friends. Busan is a nice city to visit. Food is good too and the Haeundae Beach is a nice venue to relax, talk with friends. It's a beach beside a busy road of the city. Nampo market is a place where you can buy clothes, shoes, accessories and other gift items at a reasonable price though I must say they are a bit more expensive compared to market places in Bangkok. Places can be reached by a metro train but if you are going to a nearby mall like Lotte Department Store, a taxi with GPRS navigation will do at a affordable price. Korea is a well industrialized beautiful country I surmise. But the best thing happened of course were the new friends I met from this event and the fellowship. God is always good no matter what so all the praises be upon Him!

CoH in Maasin

2011-08-19T22:40:00.000-07:00

This week the team from Leyte and I conducted a three day Channels of Hope workshop in Maasin, a town that is four hours away from Tacloban City.

Not as well attended and as good as the previous workshops I've done but still another victorious and blessed event. Seventeen new channels of God's hope for people living with HIV and AIDS were grateful to participate in this uniquely life-changing experiential kind of learning.

Praise the Lord for the wisdom, strength and confidence He had given to us. Also thank God for the good weather and traveling mercy as we went there and home.

Next week, I'll be going to Busan, South Korea to present my chosen abstract and to speak in a skills building workshop on behalf of my organization.

Iloilo and Church Partners CoH, Confession

2011-07-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

Last week we had a three day Channels of Hope workshop in Iloilo and just yesterday we have concluded the two day workshop for church partners held at the office chapel.

God has done great things once again in both events. More than twenty five participants were blessed and became channels of God's hope in Iloilo and there were sixteen church partners have participated and finished the workshop despite of the storm "Juaning" on the first day this week.

All these people were touched and deeply moved with what God has accomplished so far in my life when I shared my life-changing experience to all of them. Whenever I do this, which is not easy I must admit, the Lord keeps reminding me that He can really use anyone for the purpose of His kingdom. It was an eye opener for them especially to the church workers and leaders and made them realized their imperative role in the HIV ministry; that they should be the spearhead as God's people in eliminating AIDS related stigma and discrimination and in reaching out not only to those who are infected and affected by this pandemic but also to all the marginalized people of the society!

Through these recent events, I have proven that no failure or I must say sin, can hinder God's plan and purpose. I thought I won't be able to stand and speak about God's love, faithfulness and hope in me at the workshop after I have failed and committed the same mistake again. The frustration, guilt and shame I felt were still in me but I said there's no turning back. I can't live without Jesus anymore so I chose to pick myself up again and turn to God for His forgiveness, grace and mercy for the strength, wisdom and confidence I needed to continue the work He has entrusted me.

Times like this still makes me wonder when will I ever get to the point of my life where I'll be strong enough to resist the same kind of temptations, more focused on Jesus and be able to walk strongly right into the promises He has already set before me. Well I guess, only God knows. All I have to do is to incessantly trust and have faith in Him and ask for His life transforming grace each and every day of my life.

CoH for Colleagues in the Ministry

2011-07-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

A little more than two weeks ago, it was the last 2 days of June to be exact; the team conducted another Channels of Hope workshop to our colleagues and few church and NGO partners.

Praise the Lord for this batch produced the second most number of staff who attended and finished the 2 day activity since its launching three years ago. There are 19 of them out of the 25 who have participated! This was also the second time that the person used by God to bring me back to His kingdom was with me in facilitating the event. The used to be doctor and the HIV patient were together again and firsthand experience always works!

Lots of positive feedback was received and most of them have really enjoyed and never regretted attending this unique, touching and life transforming learning event! For our church partners, it was an eye opener for them to learn HIV and AIDS and realize their calling as a church!

I will never get tired doing this ministry, sharing my life on how God met me, turned my life around, has changed me and still changing me and forever I will be grateful to the Lord for allowing me to be a beacon of hope to people who were truly touched by the life that God has given me. Thank you Lord for these new "channels of hope" and may their light shines wherever they go.

A New Endeavor

2011-07-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

This could be the beginning of the consummation of one of God's promises in my life.

How God works in my life or to anyone's is pretty awesome and I must say funny sometimes. Why did I say that? I remember when I became a true Christian I told the Lord that He can ask me to do whatever He wants me to do for His kingdom except to serve Him as a Pastor. Besides, I am really enjoying the ministry He entrusted me. In fact I am willing to be a channel of hope for the rest of my life to many people.

Early last year I do not know what occurred to me, I woke up one day with the desire of becoming a Pastor! Perhaps not a preaching type because I am not sure if I have the gift of preaching but more of a counseling kind of Pastor. Counseling has been in my heart ever since I have recovered from the tragedy of being HIV+, so it became my dream and desire to be a professional in this area.

After three years of serving the Lord in the HOPE ministry, He had given me the opportunity to start something on this new desire and dream. Currently I am enrolled at Asian Theological Seminary to pursue the MA program in Pastoral Counseling! This week will be my third week at the school and so far I am having a great time and always looking forward to my next class.

Please allow me to say this to people out there who might be in the same health condition like me or to those who have lose hope already. This is clear evidence that being HIV+ is not an encumbrance to God's plan in my life. All we have to do is trust Him, continuously surrender our lives to Him and allow God to take over no matter situation we are in right now!

God said in Psalms 32:8, I will instruct and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. In Isaiah 41:10b He said, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Lastly in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Camiguin and Cambodia Trip

2011-06-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

The past two weeks were a busy but blessed days! It made me realize that God is truly gracious to put me in this work ministry to serve His people.

First, the team where I belong in the Philippines had a meeting and team building for three days which was held in the beautiful and peaceful island of Camiguin. After we finished the day's schedule, the team was able to visit the sunken cemetery and enjoy and feel both the cold spring and hot springs! It was a very relaxing and wonderful experience.

Then the following week I have to go to Phnom Penh, Cambodia to provide technical assistance to the HOPE people there on their implementation plan and to learn about one project on improving the quality of life of people living with HIV in Battambang province, which is five hours away from the city capital. I felt very fortunate and blessed to meet those people and I really learned many things from them and about the project. I wish we have the same kind of project for PLWH in the Philippines.

When I found out more than a month ago that I have this trip to Cambodia, I was hoping to see the famous Angkor Watt Temple which was located in Siem Reap, five to six hours away from Phnom Penh. Learning this fact, I gave up the idea of seeing it but to my surprise.....the project team had decided to bring my colleague friend and I to Siem Reap on our way back to the city from Battambang province! Of course, I was so thrilled and elated in anticipation for this was really unexpected! I said God, you are simply amazing!

So I must say that God is more than gracious enough to turn this temple in my Asian history into a reality! In addition to that, back in Phnom Penh, my friends brought me to the Royal Palace, Genocide Museum and Russian market to buy gifts and souvenirs.

Indeed truly another great experience from this South East Asian country, Cambodia, the seventh nation I have visited. Thank you Lord for this blessing!

Kalibo CoH & Boracay Trip

2011-06-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Last week was indeed a blessed week for me! After almost three months of absence from doing the "Channels of Hope" or CoH workshop, the Lord brought me to Kalibo for the first time to do it for three days.

Once again, God did a marvelous job to all of us there especially to the participants! My co-facilitators were very good and virtually all of them were touched, felt very blessed and deeply moved with God's work in my life. It's really amazing to be a vessel of God's divine grace and truly an honor to be chosen to serve Him no matter how unqualified and unworthy of me as a dispenser of God's hope!

The Lord allowed my Pastor friend and me to see Boracay at the end of the workshop. It was our first time both to see this beautiful God's creation, a small island at the northern part of Kalibo, Aklan. We're not able to see its real beauty under the sun because the weather was a bit cloudy with occasional rain showers. But it was good enough for us to feel the very fine white sand and ocean water! At least we did not need to apply sun block protection.Also I was able to experience para sailing finally! A little bit expensive but I must say it's worth it.

When you're approximately 200 to 300 feet up in the air and have the view from the top, it was simply astounding! I can't help but to praise God and thank Him all the time while I'm up there and at the same time praying for His protection for the whole fifteen minutes! My fate during that moment relies on the rope holding me under a parachute on the boat.

Side trip such as this was indeed a blessing from God. The Lord was really with us all throughout this wonderful experience! Living a life for our Creator through Jesus Christ is exceptionally a blessed life!

CoH in Dumaguete 2011

2011-05-22T16:20:00.000-07:00

My first time in Dumaguete City was in 2008, also the very first time I have conducted the Channels of Hope or CoH workshop to 13 Pastors in the area.

After 3 years I returned to this city to help out my colleagues in doing the same workshop, this time not only with more improvements and developments from the very first one but we have 39 participants! Also this was the first time I did not share my testimony because I only joined the last day but it was alright. I believe it's about time somebody has to fill in my shoes once in a while.

But what I really liked about this trip is that even though I was not able to share God's goodness and faithfulness in my life to many, He led me to share it with one of the participants when we dined out after the workshop! This young lad was so blessed because he said he needs some inspiration. He's so grateful that we were able to spend some time for I was mentioned already to him by a common friend who also attended the CoH and heard my testimony.

Of course how can I forget their famous mouth watering Sansrival! They gave me 3 boxes as a gift. It was a short but a hallowed and prolific trip.

Malaysia Experience

2011-05-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

Malaysia is the sixth country I have visited. The training was about understanding Islam and it was held in Seremban, an hour away from the capital city Kuala Lumpur.

Before this trip I have prayed to God to be with me and I want to have another wonderful experience of His glorious presence! He actually did praise You my dear Lord!

The training was really good because I have learned a lot about our Muslim brothers and sisters and somehow gave me confidence to relate with them. Since it was an eight day program we were able to visit this church on a Sunday, which is a day off from the training, in Kuala Lumpur where we attended service. Then we went to Central Market to buy some stuff for family and friends and of course the famous Petronas Towers. Unfortunately, we were not able to climb up the tower because according to our tour guide we have to line up as early as 3 or 4 in the morning to ensure entry and be included in the 1080 persons allowed to climb in a day. So we enjoyed ourselves taking photos in and around the twin tower.

Included in the training is a field visit and I believed it was the highlight of this trip for me. The experience I had back in India last year was repeated and this time with a Pastor working with young Muslim refugees! It brought tears into my eyes, was deeply moved and truly touched, as he told us how God worked in his life through these people! I saw Jesus' heart in him! I saw Jesus in him! We just need to be more like Jesus in reaching out to people especially to people of other faith like Muslims. That's what I have learned and realized.

Prior to this visit to the ministry of this pastor, we were blessed to pay a visit and see the Batu Cave near his place. Also we have visited a mosque where we have witnessed how the Muslims prayed inside. Then we finished the day visiting these Muslim women to learn more about them.

God has been truly good for making this stay in Malaysia a productive, happy and blessed time! I also had great moments spent with the Lord and felt His great presence! The Lord also gave me an opportunity to share my journey with two people in the group and now we are really good friends! Once again, a gazillion thanks to God for all these blessings. Praise be to Him!

Holy Week Visitation

2011-04-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

This year's holy week was really a memorable one for me. I strongly believe that I had a visitation from the Lord Himself! A few things happened since Palm Sunday and the joy I felt in my heart is quite uncontainable that I almost scream.

Not all things that happened were actually good. There's one which is shameful and put my life in peril at the same time but the Lord somehow turned it into something good.

It was Palm Sunday evening when I was praying and asked God why He has chosen me to serve His kingdom despite of my sinfulness and weaknesses. Truly I felt that it was God speaking to me when I read the devotion for that day and told me that He needed someone to carry His plans through lowly instruments like me. He looked down from heaven and said, "Where can I find the weakest, littlest man on earth? Then He saw me and said, 'I've found him. I will work through him and he won't be proud of it. He'll see that I am only using him because of his insignificance.'" These are words of Francis of Assisi but it's more like God talking to me for I can't explain the joy in my heart that moment.

Probably the Lord knows I am so tired in dealing with my SSA struggle every day, the longing that comes along with it. It could be the reason why God let me read the book "Dancing with God" by Irene Alexander. It was Holy Monday, in one chapter which she talked about the deeper desire that each human has, I was really enlightened and understood why I have these longing for intimacy and sexual relations which characterized my spiritual journey. This longing may lead me into byways and errors but is, in the end, a God-given and profoundly good desire which only God can truly satisfy. I just need to learn how to channel the desires to God's by staying into it which she describes a hunger, a thirst that can be quenched only by the One who brings the living water. The Bible said, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst." Moreover, we need to articulate our desires, stay with our longing, pain and emptiness to find your presence in God. Philip Yancey said that the Bible reveals a God who is "hopelessly in love with us". I felt the same joy in my heart when I read this and astounded with the fact that my Creator is really pursuing me!

Speaking of desires, I must admit that I gave in the following day. I did not know what took me over. On my way home I met this guy and brought him to my place without even asking if he's a call boy, which was a huge mistake. After the lamest sexual encounter I had in my entire life, the guy demanded money for the lame service he rendered. When I refused because I don't pay for sex, he threatened to humiliate me in public. I was really terrified inside for it was my first time to encounter someone like him. Afraid of losing my life in a shameful way, I gave in to his demand and let go. Still I am scared that he might get back at me for I did not give all the money he wanted. He knows where I live!

After confessing to God and asking His forgiveness, I prayed for protection and peace of mind. Also I prayed that this will become a very good lesson and discipline for me to finally stop giving in to obviously sexual temptations. Feeling troubled still the next day, I asked the Lord for the assurance of His protection from the guy. I flipped the channel on TV and again that joy in my heart came over when I read in this local channel the verse Isaiah 41:10! I took it as God's answer to my prayer for it incredibly washed my fears away. God is indeed faithful to His servants no matter what! He will never give up on me! Somehow this daunting event made me realize that it is God's second warning to me and walk faithfully with Him.

On the evening of Maundy Thursday, again I felt it was God speaking to me and not me reading from the same book, He confirmed my prayer the other day about learning how to abandon myself in Him and live under His amazing grace! He helped me comprehend the presence of my struggle in this spiritual journey which the book describes as the shadow, the brokenness or the darkness in me. All I have to do is the admission of all these, to come to Him in nakedness knowing I am still loved by God will I be able to live out in vulnerability and freedom. Learning to accept this as part of my ongoing life and embracing it is the only way to become whole! God's operating medium in this life is grace. We are only to live nakedly in it!

Black Saturday morning right exactly after I woke up, God told me (Yes I strongly believe it's Him for he granted my prayer of meeting me through a dream that night and it happened! Also for the fourth time in a week I felt the same joy in my heart!) that all these are His ways of visiting me. A visitation from God can you believe that? I prayed for this during my retreat in Baguio and now it all cropped up praise the Lord!

Then Easter Sunday came. God's presence was as powerful as well as the message that it made me cry while singing "Amazing Grace". It was a colossal realization how much our Father loves us, me. Definitely I will never look at Christ's resurrection the same way again.

I thought the Lord was finished with His visitation. Monday night while uttering the usual prayer I have before going to bed, God's presence came! I felt it and can't help but to cry while praying because of the fullness of joy in my heart. Our God is truly great, amazing, wonderful and awesome God. He's the best! Praise the Lord Almighty!

"Do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 11:16

Baguio Retreat

2011-04-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling the stress and pressure with my work and ministry which led me to the thought of simply quitting because I've never been that tired in all areas of my entire life!

This was the reason why I have decided to take a personal retreat by attending the Nazirite training given by Jesus Revolution movement which is led by my church Pastor last week held in Baguio City. It was my second time to attend the Humility and Holiness phase, the first two of the three phases of this training.

I am glad that God allowed me take a break from the ministry work and spend time with him during that whole week. Even though it's a refresher for me, it's like a whole new experience once again! First day alone, God moved me already and reminded me of my real purpose in this life which is to live by conforming to the image and character of God in humility. At the end of the day, it's all about the Lord. It's all about Jesus.

He also gave me the opportunity to share His goodness and faithfulness in the past three years of my Christian life in which according to my Pastor and elders in the church, have maturity and confidence in Him. This was also the moment where God have bestowed courage to people who have the same struggle like me to speak up and testify! Truly the Lord is rising up a generation of Nazirites!

Most importantly, I was able to achieve the main purpose of this break. Now I feel refreshed, well rested and somehow on fire again to continue doing what God wants me to do in this season of my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ.

I also thank God for the new friends I have gained during this retreat. Really it was a week full of blessings and experience of God's holy presence! Now I am excitedly looking forward for the things that God is going to do next!

God does not call the qualified.....He qualifies the called. Shalom!

A Week in Singapore

2011-03-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

The fifth country I went to is Singapore. Last week I have attended training on Mass Media Communications held in the city of lion.

Every evening the Lord has allowed us to go around and see the beauty of the city. First tourist destination my friend and I have visited was the Raffles Center, the Merlion, and the Marina Bay. It was a great place to admire the structures around the river, definitely a must see place! If you're going there, get off or alight at the Raffles MRT station and walk from there so you will see the old bridge and buildings of Singapore going to Merlion and Marina Bay. You will end up near the City Hall MRT station.

Then we walked along the Orchard Road to see the high end malls and stores. I was able to visit also the Little India and bought some stuff at the Mustafa Center then my friend and I had a wonderful dinner in one of the restaurants in Chinatown. I explored this small community of Chinese people the following night where I satisfied my cravings for a Hainanese chicken in one of the food centers along the way. It became my favorite dinner during my stay there!

Also I took the courage to explore alone the Night Safari. I enjoyed the Creatures of the Night Show, the fire dance number and of course the sightseeing of those endangered species including the 50 million years old rhinoceros!

My best friend lives and works there for more than three years and we spent the whole Saturday before I left the country quarter past midnight. We missed each other a lot so we spent the day laughing our hearts out together like old times while seeing the whole Sentosa and experiencing the rides available such as the cable car, the Sky Ride and Luge and the bus tour to three Sentosa beaches namely Siloso, Palawan and Tanjong Beach.

To end the day, we had a coffee together and talked more. It was truly a great and brilliant time spent updating each other. The best part was when I was able to share with her how the Lord changed my life and why I am so happy and contended at this point, looking and anticipating things to happen that God has in store for me with excitement!

Personally I thanked God and very grateful to the Lord for this amazing blessing He had given me. Not only I have learned so much from the training and have seen Singapore for the first time but the excellent part of this trip was the time spent with my best friend whom I have not seen for almost four years and share about Jesus!

Truly praise God!

The Consequence

2011-03-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

We always thought that because God is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6), we can get away with the consequences of the wrong things we have done in the past not to mention that we have confessed it already and ask forgiveness for it.

If you are thinking that way then I have to say I am sorry but you are wrong. We need to remember that our Almighty God is also JUST (Psalm 9:16, 11:7). The consequence of that wrongdoing may come sooner than we think or may come later, like after a few weeks or several years. We'll never know for only God knows.

Well, I am able to say or write this because it's very true. If you can recall and go back to my previous posts last year where I confessed my sexual fall, now I believe I am reaping its consequence. Prior to this post I mentioned that my skin rashes were not PR or Pityriasis Rosea. The cause of these rashes is secondary syphilis which the doctor confirmed more than a month ago.

At first, I was so upset and thought that God was so unfair to discipline me like this but I realized a little later that God is God. He can do whatever He wants and I have sinned against Him. I thought He's unfair because for quite some time I've never had sex and when I fell into it, it happened only 2 or 3 times that year alone which is quite a progress for someone who used to live with that as a lifestyle and still in the process of moving away from it!

One of my closest friends accused me of not walking the talk and I really felt bad because there's a truth in it. She's referring to my advocacy of correct and consistent use of condom when you can't control yourself. She understands my SSA struggle and she's quite disappointed because of this. But I am grateful to her for having the guts to confront me and tell it to my face which reminds me that I am slipping away and must have to pull myself back together right away!

If you're disappointed too I am very sorry, I hope you can understand and be able to forgive me as well. That moment when I failed to use protection, it scared the hell out of me too and utter to myself that I will never do it again. Actually I asked the only two guys I have sex with and they both told me they are negative to syphilis that's why I am still wondering from whom I got it? In addition, I used protection for both of them though with the last one, it's not all throughout. Both of them are HIV+ also which makes it even more dangerous! What on earth was I thinking to do that? Alright, enough with the details because this is what I've got. Now I am almost healed from this infection after a month of medication thank God.

According to Hebrews 12, God disciplines His Sons and ask us not to lose heart when He rebukes us because the Lord disciplines those He loves and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son like a father (v5b-6).

It took me a lot of courage to confess it to my Pastor and mentor in the church for it's truly embarrassing but I have to, and also here. And I am glad that he's thankful for my honesty and promised to be there for me whenever I need him, is not that great? God has really blessed me with people who can journey with me unconditionally in this life no matter how many times I fail. The Lord is always there all the time for us for He'll never let go even if we chose to let go of Him. That's how He amazingly loves us!

This recent event made me realize that truly I do not deserve to serve God in His ministry. But I asked for it 3 years ago and He has chosen me, a chief sinner and a very unqualified broken person saved by His grace. There's no turning back now so I have to bounce back and continue what He asked me to do but this time only with more submission to His power that will carry me through.

I thank the Lord for giving me the courage to live this life and to move forward. I chose to stay with Jesus for it's the only way to live.

Jehovah Shammah!

34 Years of Existence

2011-03-05T19:50:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday was my 34th birthday. There's no special celebration or whatsoever. In fact I spent the whole morning at the hospital where I have my regular check up before I went home in the province to take my leave and rest.

Since I became a real Christian, the Lord always does something memorable on this day. On my 31st birthday, I have Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. On my 32nd, the person used by the Lord to bring me back to His kingdom surprised me by visiting me at home. Then on my 33rd birthday I got informed to have the job I have right now which has seen by many as God's appointment!

This time God simply overwhelmed me with love! I have never received so many greetings in my entire life only until my 34th birthday. With face book alone, I got more than 130 wall post greetings! I have even received a lot of good wishes from people I thought would not even remember including the new friends I have from my Bangkok trip!

Also I got heaps of SMS birthday messages before, during and after the actual day counting some of my friends who work and live outside the country!

For some people this could be an ordinary thing but for me I do really felt overwhelmed by all the people who remembered to greet me on this day. Honestly, I can't help but to feel so loved by so many especially those who surprisingly gave their best wishes!

This is more than enough to replace the tiny worries from the situation I am currently going through. The skin rashes which was first diagnosed as PR as I have written here was actually not Pityriasis Rosea. It's worse than that which I am not yet ready to share it here. And because of this disease my CD4 count went down from 521 to 378 though my viral load remains undetected. Well, these are just a test of time and everything will be alright.

Good times and bad times, I will be forever indebted and thankful to God for everything he has done, what He's doing and about to do in my life. Thank you Lord for the 34 years of existence!

Jehovah Shammah in Bangkok

2011-02-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's my first trip abroad for this year and my third time to visit Bangkok, Thailand. Almost exactly the same time as last year when I visited this foreign land for the first time with the same purpose which is doing the "Channels of Hope " Training the Facilitators as part of the training team, only this time I acted as the lead trainer instead of being an assistant trainer!

For me this is some sort of promotion from the Lord. It was nearly three years since I was trained to be a facilitator and now I am taking bigger responsibilities. I really thanked God for the wisdom, confidence, strength and guidance from Him as I took this role. God sustained all the training team members for the whole duration of this learning event.

Once again, all of us there experienced God's presence. On the third day when I shared my testimony, it's more emotional compared to my previous trainings. Even prior to that session, the Lord was there or "Jehovah Shammah", for some of the participants realized how broken we are as a human being and only God can break us on His own unique way!

Since that day up to the last day of the training, God's presence was there! Twenty four new facilitators of God's hope went home grateful and felt very blessed! They were from Laos, Vietnam, Thailand, Philippines, New Zealand, US, Finland, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Cambodia, Indonesia and Bangladesh.

The Lord has also allowed me to take some time off after this strenuous training. I went with my friend to visit this disco club where most gay guys in Bangkok hangout. I know this was some kind of putting myself in danger and it was an unwise decision but I have proven that God is with me everywhere I go.

I have seen different good looking guys from different parts of the world and most of them are my type kind of men. But He made me realized one thing, it's not worth to have all these guys for He have shown me that all these people are His lost sons who need His light and love! Also I realized that my attraction to men has been diminished that I can just let go of them. Hopefully this will continue and lead to something I am actually destined for which is becoming the man that God wants me to be.

Well, God's name has been exalted and praised in this event once again and I am giving back all the honor, praises and glory to Him in the name of our dear Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!

Jehovah Shammah!

CoH in Surigao

2011-02-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

Belated Happy Valentines Day to everyone!

After God blessed us with a victorious workshop two weeks ago in Ormoc City, He did the same thing in Surigao City last week.

I called it an "answered prayer" week for the Lord has granted all my prayers for that particular week. First He gave us a sunny weather for it was a pretty rainy week prior to the event. Secondly, we had a very relaxed and enjoyable flight back and forth.

Lastly, it was another successful workshop! Twenty eight new channels of God's hope we're so blessed to become a part of this learning experience. Moreover, the team was able to enjoy the delicious food the city offers!

I just want to thank the Lord and give back all the honor, glory and praises to Him for all these blessings! You are really a faithful God!

Next is Bangkok, Thailand.

CoH in Ormoc

2011-02-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

It's my first trip for 2011 last week and first time to visit Ormoc City but for "Channels of Hope" or CoH it was the second time already.

We had thirty two participants who attended and finished the first phase of the HOPE program which is the sensitization. Once again God has touched the lives of these group of people on how He pulled me out of darkness, gave me a new life and continuously changing me to become the man He intended me to be.

This time I can say it's one of the best testimony I gave, I felt that I have said all the right words that these people needs to hear. I was also blessed how they responded and really experienced God's presence.

God is truly with us always; like my pastor preached last Sunday, Jehovah Shammah which means God is there!

The picture shown in this article is the photo of the hotel lobby where we stayed and did the workshop.

First CoH for 2011

2011-01-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

Last week, I led the facilitation of the first "Channels of Hope" workshop for the year 2011.

Originally it was intended for my colleagues at the office but unfortunately only nine have attended. We invited church partners and representatives from other NGO or non-government organizations and the event yielded twenty five new channels of God's hope to those who are infected and affected by HIV and AIDS.

It's also the first time that somebody from my own church have witnessed what I actually do in this ministry. Perhaps it could be one of the reasons why I got a little extra emotional during my testimony but I was thinking more of my devotion in the morning that day. God made me realized how much He loves me through the parable of the prodigal son.

My tears just flowed freely and I thought I can't stop crying. That usually happens when God really touched my heart.

Anyway, the workshop was indeed a success praise be to God. I am serving the Lord in this ministry for almost three years now and God has remained faithful and good whenever I do this.

Sometimes I still ask Him why He has chosen me. A chief sinner with a quite difficult struggle to deal with but being used by God mightily to bless His people, how ironic isn't it? But for God, it's not for He always choose the most unlikely.

God's Trick

2011-01-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

I guess the PR or Pityriasis Rosea which I considered as God's trick that will keep me from acting out my sinful desires did not work after all.

How stupid of me to think that this skin rash all over my body will keep the guys away from me. Last week I have decided to meet this guy in person finally with the thought of just plain talking. We had a good conversation over the internet and the more he knows me the more he's interested to see me. Also there's attraction and desire to meet him that I can't ignore which pushed me to end up seeing him.

In short, I fell into the enemy's trap. He insisted that I pick him up at the office where he works only to find out that we were alone in that place. And it happened right then and there.

Again after several months of clean living I have failed Jesus and it's killing me. But there's one thing I realized, I thought that if I did it again I will go back to my old sinful lifestyle. I will backslide.....but I was wrong. I realized that I cannot turn my back on God. Instantaneously I have confessed and asked for His grace and forgiveness. I thank and praise God for that.

Knowing that I can no longer live this life without the Lord Jesus Christ caused me to hold on to Him more. When you experienced God's love and faithfulness in unfathomable way, you will realize that you really need Jesus to live this life righteously and that's what occurred to me.

God affirmed me through Lamentations 3:22-23. His compassion fails not for they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. Everyday is a brand new start for us to get ourselves right with God. Truly our gracious God is a God if second chances!

Not only have I failed Jesus, also my Pastor and my mentor, and probably some of you and my friends. God has forgiven me. I am sorry.

Pityriasis Rosea

2011-01-10T12:40:00.000-08:00

Two weeks before Christmas last year, I started to have a slight fever every afternoon and evening then I'll be normal on the following day. After all the laboratory tests and x-rays, nothing was found.

A week before Christmas, the low fever was gone but then I started to have small red spots on my skin, chest area first then it proliferated to arms, legs and neck and some parts on my face gradually. By the way, it's not me on this photo.

I was thinking of allergy at first or probably my CD4 has gone low that's why I have these rashes. After seeing the dermatologist last week, the diagnosis came out and it's PR or Pityriasis Rosea.

According to the doctor, it's a common rash that can occur to any young adults (majority occur to ages 10-35) and has nothing to do with my HIV status. It usually occurs more often in the colder months.

It resolves on its own but the doctor asked me to take erythromycin for 2 weeks, put clobetasol and aveeno on infected areas and get some UV rays for at least 10-20 minutes every day. The rashes will disappear six to eight weeks.

I just hope and pray to have my skin back to normal, good health as I take new challenges in my work and ministry and a victorious journey with the Lord this year 2011! I guess this is one of God's trick for keeping me from acting out my evil desires, I hope not.

A blessed year to everyone!

The Year 2010 in Review

2011-01-01T19:45:00.000-08:00

The past year was indeed a very good and fruitful year for me. If I am going to enumerate each and every blessings God has poured unto me, the space won't definitely be enough so I'll just mention the major ones.

As early as February, I was given an opportunity to be a part of the training team in Bangkok for the Training of Facilitators. It was the second country I have visited. That was also the time and place where a job I have prayed and applied for was offered to me by my future boss then and mentor.

June came and I went on board as the Coordinator for Asia Pacific Region and the Philippines for this non government organization. The remuneration was more than I've expected as well as the amount of time I have to spend traveling.

Two months after God sent me to India, the third country on my list and then after another a couple of months I went to Kenya, Africa all for the same purpose of learning and being a part of the training team. Only in India where God have shown me the bigger picture of what I am doing currently for His kingdom but all these trips were very memorable.

Also I was able to see and visit Zamboanga, Davao, Cebu, Iloilo and General Santos, gained new friends while doing the ministry in the country.

Above all, a good health in spite of the busy schedule and traveling, the restoration of my relationship with my father, very supportive church and friends and co-ministry workers, and time to relax and rest in between are some of the major things I am very grateful and thankful to our dear Lord.

God has been and will always be good and a loving father. I am sure He has a lot more in store for me and for everyone else. Let us just continue to yield and entrust our lives to Him, do our best to obey Him and deepen our relationship with Him.

Have a very happy and prosperous New Year brothers and sisters! God bless you all!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

Last December 13 marked my third year as a real Christian, the time when the Lord Jesus was born into my heart. A lot of amazing things happened in the past three years, a lot of prophecies have turned already into reality.

One of the prophetic words I have received back then was that I will speak before different nations and share God's goodness and faithfulness. It started to happen back in 2008 and God has put me in a position this year where I will constantly do that for two years.

Another prophetic word I received was the restoration of my relationship to my father, it actually happened early this year when I got my first embrace from him after our heart to heart talk with the whole family.

One of those prophecies I am still waiting to happen is the time when I will become a father either physically or spiritually. I still remember that I can't believe upon hearing those words from one of our elders in the church. God knows when I will be ready for that so I am not in a hurry.

Christmas is actually a prophecy by Isaiah which was anticipated and waited by the people in the Old Testament for hundred years. Then it happened more than two thousand years ago, the birth of the blessed child Jesus, the Lord and Saviour of mankind.

God definitely has a plan for each and every one of us. All we have to do is to surrender everything to Him and fully trust Him with all our hearts, then all His plans (Jeremiah 29:11) including those prophetic words we have received and will be receiving surely will turn into reality.

Have a blessed and a Christ-centered Christmas celebration everyone! Merry Christmas!

CoH Laguna

2010-12-11T19:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had the last CoH workshop of the year for this NGO together with their partners.

Once again eighteen new channels of God's hope were blessed with God's faithfulness and goodness in my life as I shared it to them. One pastor got even teary eyed and emotional during the closing ceremony!

This time God has shown me that every group is really unique that each of them has their own personalities and characters. I have never encountered very highly intellectual people who would never show their soft side because for them everything is cognitive! Honestly, somehow they got me into my nerves but God was in control then that I was still able to manage it. For me they are unbelievable!

Since I have plans of going to a doctorate degree which only God knows when because I have not started taking up Masters yet, God I think allowed me to meet these two people as a warning as to not to be like them (not that I am acting like the Pharisees, it's just that I have the propensity) but remain humble, very grounded and always putting God first no matter how far I have come. Everything can be done only through Him.

Definitely, it will take time before I forgot these people or probably I will never. Anyway, I had also good memories to remember with this particular group of people. I still thank God for all the blessings and the privilege of serving Him through this ministry.

World AIDS Day & The Church

2010-12-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

As people who believe in God, today is an important time to reflect on HIV and our belief that all people are created in God's image whether you are living with HIV, living with someone who is / are HIV positive, are not infected nor affected by it.

We must remain grounded in the spiritual foundation as the Lord Jesus Christ has shown that calls all of us to work for justice and treat all people as our brothers and sisters as we work to promote and protect the rights of PLWH or affected by HIV as well as those who are vulnerable to infection.

First we need to remember we are all broken people and sinners saved by grace. (Romans 7:15-25, Ephesians 2:8-9)

Second, Christ sets the example in Luke 15. Like the father in the parable of prodigal son, we are all asked to bestow the same courtesy to our brother and sisters no matter how bad they have been were. God has full of compassion and slow to anger. (Psalm 145:8-9)

Lastly, God is calling us to function as one body. (1 Cor.12:12-13). We are called to respond as a church but our response should be more than only a spiritual response of evangelism and prayer. We should clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience especially to those who are outcast and oppressed by the society. (Col. 3:12-14)

Our spiritual should be balanced by bringing HOPE in a very practical way to people living with HIV or directly affected by it. Let's remember this day by being channels of God's HOPE to everyone.

South Cotabato CoH

2010-11-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Last week my work team mates and I went to South Cotabato to facilitate the CoH workshop.

It was my first time to visit this part of Mindanao. I had a great time in spite of the challenges we have encountered during the sessions such as language barriers and having an interfaith group.

Generally it went well especially when I shared my testimony. Once again, it has proven that real life experiences are really effective and very helpful in workshops like this. People have deeper understanding of the HIV pandemic and began seeing it in a different light.

In addition, they were truly touched and blessed at the same time with God's goodness and faithfulness He have brought into my life! God sent twenty eight new "channels of hope" from Saranggani, South Cotabato and General Santos.

After the event, the team had a wonderful dinner at General Santos in one of the resorts there. If you want to buy the best tuna and other fish products in the country, visit the tuna capital of the Philippines, General Santos City.

Again it was another blessed trip, thank God!

Travelling in Kenya

2010-11-06T12:10:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day here in Kenya. I spent 12 days in Mombasa to take part in the "Channels of Hope" training of facilitators and a day in Nairobi to see the city and relax for a moment.

It's my first time here in Africa, the fourth country, and so far the farthest country from the Philippines I have visited since the time I started serving the Lord in this ministry. I came to Kenya with the thought of learning things on how to do the training with both Christian and Muslims which happens to be a 10 day training and the usual sharing of my testimony to the future then facilitators to bring them a touch of the HIV reality in someone's life. I prayed though that God will show me something new and to my surprise He did!

During the session of stigma, He had shown how powerful His grace of forgiveness is! I can't help but to be too emotional witnessing a white lady asking forgiveness for the apartheid happened years ago in behalf of her race in South Africa to a black young man who also came from the country! He was not just a black man but a Muslim one! The guy got too emotional too for he was unprepared for that event in his life! God really moved everyone including me with that moment! It was very touching and so wonderful! God is just so awesome!

That momentous event gave a clearer picture of what stigma and discrimination can do and how we can avoid it by simply disseminating the ocean of grace God has allowed us to enjoy as His children!

For me it was the climax of this trip aside from meeting a very nice Sheik brother and gain new friends from this land. God is very kind to show me around the city through a friend and see the giraffe and ostrich park then got a taste of different meat such as crocodile, turkey, lamb, camel and ostrich at the "Carnivore" restaurant.

Thank you Lord for all these great blessings and please continue to be with me as I travel back home. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ and shalom!

"HOPE" for Colleagues

2010-10-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

Virtually it's been a month since the last time I have conducted the "Channels of Hope" workshop and somehow I am missing it.

Sharing God's goodness and faithfulness in my life to people especially to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ is one of the most rewarding and remarkable feeling as a child of God. It gave inspiration to people and strengthens their faith as well. Sometimes it becomes a reminder to others to examine their life and see how they are with the Almighty Father as well as their journey with Jesus.

The Lord did it once again to my colleagues at work in the past two days praise Him!

One participant said that what we're doing and have accomplished has freed them from the bondage of wrong beliefs! Also he said that it strengthens their faith as a Christian! What a wonderful experience for him! While others mentioned that it enlightened and humbled them in such a life-changing experience way!

Feedback like this put a smile on my face and joy in my heart which inspires me more to serve God's kingdom through this ministry. Thank you Lord for loving me and for giving my life a very beautiful purpose!

Congratulations to the 25 new "salt & light" of this earth especially to the darkness HIV and AIDS is causing!

Pleasure Idolatry

2010-10-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

For the past few weeks, I have felt that I was drifting away from God. I have been immersed in God's ministry for a couple of years now or more. In fact I just started my two year contract with this organization to serve Him continuously on the HIV and AIDS Ministry. That made me even busier.

I said I felt I was slipping away from God because I have committed the same mistake again a few times during the same weak moments which I have been experiencing lately. The unworthy feeling and convictions I am feeling is awful and somewhat devastating.

"iCan" posted his thoughts on his blog which entitled "Idol" and he referred to ten but he focused on the one he can relate to. That is pleasure. His post have spoken to me simply because it made me realize that it is also becoming an idol of mine unaware even if I do or have done it occasionally!

Like the people of Israel who grew impatient and started to worship a "golden calf" idol made by them, I felt I am beginning to be like them. Sometimes I caught myself rationalizing and saying that probably it's alright to fall into a sin occasionally because I am serving God big time! How selfish I am to think that way!

Jesus Christ follower can not have both worlds. There are sacrifices must be made and those sacrifices out of love for God must be, will turn me into the person He intended me to be. It will only going to happen if I stay in the path and direction He set for me instead of slipping away to here and there. And idolatry to pleasure is not only a sin but also being foolish and selfish.

Work in process, I know I am still and most of us are in this situation. But I must learn how to control myself and thrive towards holiness and purity because our God is holy.

Let me borrow my friend's thoughts. I am so blessed to have a God who loves me enough to show my weaknesses and help me to want to give them to Him. It is a journey and I pray I will keep my eyes on God who knows me much better than I could ever know myself no matter what. God knows what I need. I am prone to think I know what I need but I certainly do not.

No longer can I still live my life without Jesus and no matter how many times I fail and fall, I will stand and ask God's forgiveness and then continue this journey with Him. This was also my Pastor's advice and my decision. I am a child of God and I am a Christian whatever happens!

God knows exactly when and where I will fall in the future whether through my SSA struggle or through my other area of weaknesses. Like I said in my previous posts of confessions, this maybe not the last time I will commit the same sin but I will continually hang on to His grace and mercy and pray for God's strength to win this battle in the midst of allowing Him to use this God given and very blessed life for His glory!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3a.

Thank you Stanw for your post and God bless us! :)

COH in Cebu

2010-09-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

It was my fourth time to visit the city and my second time to do the "Channels of Hope" or COH workshop in Cebu last week.

The first one was back in 2009 when I was part of training team to train the second batch of facilitators. This time, some of those new facilitators were now part of the team and most of them were their first time to practice what they have learned more than a year ago.

In spite of a big group of this health team from Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, we have four sets of facilitators of three for four groups; everything went well for God was truly in control.

More than 120 participants have attended, were very blessed with the whole workshop and have become new "salt and light" for those people who needs it especially those infected and affected by the HIV pandemic.

I continually thank God and give back all the honor, glory and praises to Him for entrusting me this work and ministry despite of my weaknesses. Blessed be thy name Lord Jesus!

What's So Amazing About Grace?

2010-09-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Philip Yancey is the author of this book and I must say that its one of the best I've ever read. In fact it made me want to read the first book I read from him "The Jesus I Never Knew", which I have finished reading a couple of years ago.

We speak of God's grace often but when somebody ask us what is it, we usually have difficulty in defining and explaining what is it all about. When I became true Christian, I once asked about grace and the person I was speaking with told me that it is an "undeserved gift." It is a gift from our Heavenly father that we, as Christians must know and always ready to dispense.

This book gave me a deeper understanding of what grace is and with the examples given by Yancey such as the holocaust, his homosexual Pastor friend and the EDSA People Power to name a few, I cried a few times. That's how amazing this grace is!

It helped me to comprehend more of God's unconditional love and forgiveness. Two things that all people must experience to become a dispenser of this amazing gift in this world that knows far more of cruelty and unforgiveness than it does of mercy.

I really like Dostoevsky's words that he quoted which is "to love a person means to see him as God intended him to be". According to Yancey, true grace is scandalous and shocking for it forgives the unfaithful spouse, the racist, the child abuser. It loves today's AIDS-ridden addict as much as the tax collector of Jesus' day.

This book has been out there for quite a long time but I only read it last month thanks to my friend for lending it to me. I highly recommend this one because it is a must-read kind of book!

"There is nothing we can do to make God love us more.
There is nothing we can do to make God love us less."

God loves us already no matter what.....that's how amazing God's grace is!

COH Iloilo and My Struggle

2010-09-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

It was my first time to visit Iloilo City last week and I got impressed with the place from the time I arrived at their new airport up to the point when I reached the hotel where I stayed for three nights.

The airport is small but nice then the road from there going to the city is well engineered, the same thing with the few infrastructures on its side. Although the city proper is a little congested but somehow I like it. The La Paz Batchoy tastes really great as well as the barquillos.

As for the COH workshop, it went very smoothly even though one of our facilitator was not able to join us due to her vertigo. God was totally in control. Thirty eight (38) new "channels of hope" were so blessed how God worked in my life. I am truly grateful to Him for allowing me to serve His kingdom in this ministry.

I just pray that God will continue to capture my heart with His love and give me a heart overflowing with love for Jesus! Also I pray that God will renew the burning passion in me that I used to have when I was still a new Christian so that this love and passion will be more than enough for me to say no to these temptations and ungodly desires. I must admit that I am still struggling with SSA and honestly I had a few (three I guess) occasional sexual fall for the past 3 months. It all happened when I was very really tired physically and mentally from work which I think hauled my guards down then against temptations, not to mention that there's still a part of me that wants to satisfy these sinful desires.

God has forgiven me already I know when I confessed and admitted it to Him not only once but many times. I cannot continue serving Him and sinning even occasionally at the same time. All I want is to love Him, honor and please Him, serve Him and live this God-given life truly worthy of His unconditional love.

Please pray for me my dear brothers and sisters in Christ as I continue to walk this journey with Him. Thank you and God bless us all.

Me In India

2010-08-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, India is the third country I have visited and I must say that it's one of my best trips so far ministry-wise!

God sent me there not only to serve Him in the "Channels of Hope" ministry. He had shown me the end result of what I am doing for the churches and the beginning of a new journey for His people whom He had destined to change forever!

Once I questioned the Lord if this is the only thing I will do for His kingdom which is educating the church community on HIV and AIDS through COH and testifying to His amazing grace. And telling these people how He took me out of darkness, gradually healing and changing me. I got so excited when visiting a community where HOPE is being implemented was included on this trip.

This Pastor I've met was immediately woke up by God from a deep slumber and made him realize the role of the church after he have gone through the three day COH workshop. He called him to act and transform the lives of this certain group of people who are living in darkness for centuries! He took the children of this community in a child care center as the beginning of that transformation in partnership with our NGO counterpart there and introduced them who Jesus is by educating them in His words.

This community in Jaipur City celebrates when a baby girl is born because it is an assurance for them of monetary benefits by turning her into a commercial sex worker when puberty has reached. The women in that village, most of them are infected with HIV, are in prostitution and that's the only way they knew how to make ends meet.

I was deeply moved and can't help but to get too emotional while hearing this sad and heart breaking story from this Pastor that it pushed me to pray for him and his church afterward. Also I made a commitment to pray for them and for these people day and night as my initial contribution for the realization of this Pastor's vision. It was absolutely the highlight of this trip!

Indian people are really nice but this group of participants whom we have trained to be COH facilitators is really struggling on how to deal with the homosexuals! The discussions were intense that I took it as a sign from God to tell them how I am dealing with my struggle with same sex attraction or SSA with God and with my church as well, which I do not usually do for it is totally embarrassing on my part. But when God asked me to do so, who am I to say no? So I did and I'm glad that somehow I have shed some light on this matter to them.

They were so grateful to have met me and were so blessed at the same time and so did I. God and I have done a great job there and He's obviously doing wonderful things there!

I am so grateful to the Lord not only because of these moments, He also allowed us to see the city palaces and the beauty of their culture when we went to visit a few tourist destinations of Jaipur. Also I was able to ride on a camel for the first time! It was truly a remarkable and indeed a super blessed trip! Praise God!

After my virtually half month of stay in India, I took part on the two day workshop for my colleagues at the office when I got home. It has been really a fruitful month.

COH Davao and Samal Island

2010-07-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

One of the largest groups we handled was the more than forty participants of the COH workshop last week held in Davao City.

The Lord allowed 34 of them to complete the two days orientation of "Channels of Hope". Once again, God brought together His people from Evangelical groups, Catholic and Muslim brothers to show them how to become the salt and light of this world for those who are infected and affected by HIV and AIDS.

For me it was one of the best testimonies I have delivered for the past two years I've been doing this. Not because virtually everyone in the room cried but mainly for the reason that God has truly touched their hearts either through conviction of their stigmatizing attitudes or simply blessed with how God's grace worked in my life! Only God, and them knows.

It was really an honor to testify to the gospel of God's grace and I am grateful to Almighty God for allowing me to be a witness in the HIV ministry!

God was so good to let us see and enjoy the beauty of Samal Island. We were able to relax at the beach after the workshop before going home.

I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace, Acts 20:24.

Strength in Weakness

2010-07-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

This book by Andrew Comiskey is about healing sexual and relational brokenness.

I did not understand most part of the book the first time I read it more than a year ago so I read it again and I have understood it all this time thank God. What really amazing was when I am reading the last part of the author's afterword, I felt like its God who's really speaking to me. Before I knew it, my eyes were filled tears and my heart was full of joy and peace.

Allow me to share these words spoken by God to Andrew first prior to me.

"When you were young, you thought you could leap over every boundary line and get away with it. Even when the pain of your rebellion became apparent to you, you denied it. Only when the effects of sin showed themselves did you slow down long enough to listen?

I led you to my Son, Jesus Christ, who from His cross released a flood of healing - blood for the forgiveness of sin and water for cleansing. When you called on His name, I loosed that cleansing flood over you. I sent faithful Christians to abide with you as that healing stream permeated every source of sin and shame. You, your old man, your old vision of yourself, died in the waters, and I raised you up in new life.

Not only were your sins washed away, but I also cleansed your wounds. I gently bound up the brokenness inflicted on you. I washed away the shame you carried through others' rejection and abuse.

And I freed you to be weak before me and others, not hard and defensive nor brash and foolish. I freed you to enter my pool of mercy again and again to receive grace to help you in your weakness. You learned to walk free from the shame and to receive mercy from fellow Christians as from my hand. And you grew and gained a vision of how my strength is available to you in your weakness.

Every step of the way I am with you. I know you are still weak. You still walk with a limp, a reminder of what I have saved you from and what I have saved you for - to call to others into the river so that they too can arise as members of my healing army. But I have trained and still training you to rely upon me and I have strengthened you at every step.

Give freely to others the grace in which I have immersed you. Raise high the cross for all to see, for from my cross I release the cleansing, healing flood that is the hope for humanity. Only here can sin and shame and wounding be dissolved. Only here can my people be strengthened in their weakness and become fruitful agents of my kingdom. Only here can my sons and daughters learn how to love well, even as I have loved them."

Honestly I feel like crying again as I type these words. This book is a must read for those who want to have a comprehension of true healing from sexual and relational brokenness.

Men, women, all of our struggles such as homosexuality or any addictions, and the church when laid at the cross will surely give us strength to love well, strength to leave shame behind, strength to overcome sin and strength in weakness.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

Skywalk Extreme Cebu & COH

2010-07-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was in Cebu for the second time with my team mates at work. We attended this trainer's training on Gender.

It was great for we all have learned a lot and had a great fellowship at the same time. The team went to Casa Verde and had our dinner! The food and the strawberry kiss drink taste really delicious at a low price.

My friend and I decided to take the Skywalk Extreme at Crown Regency Hotel. As expected, it was nerve-wracking but a wonderful experience to see the beauty of the city from the top at night!

Then last Thursday and Friday, the fourth (if I am not mistaken) "Channels of Hope" or COH, the workshop on HIV and AIDS for churches and faith based organization or FBOs, for the staff and church partners took place. Eighteen new "channels of hope" went home blessed and inspired with new hearts and attitudes for the infected and affected by the pandemic!

Once again, God have shown His faithfulness for taking control of everything and His goodness for all these blessings! Praise God and thank you so much for the opportunity to serve and glorify your grace through this ministry!

Underground River Palawan

2010-07-02T17:00:00.000-07:00

It was my second time to visit the province of Palawan last week. The purpose of my trip there was to learn about breast feeding and HIV and behavioral change communication as part of my capacity building for my work.

The Lord was so good to bless us by allowing the group to see and experience the infamous subterranean river of Palawan or most commonly known as the "underground river".

You will wonder how those conical hanging pillar in a limestone cave has gradually built up or formed called stalactites. The forms and shapes amazed me. You will see a figure like that of the holy family, giant mushroom, a bacon liked shape, an onion liked form and many other shapes and figures depending on how you will apparently view it.

The trip alone on the river trekking inside the cave took us less than hour. From Puerto Princessa City, approximately it will take 90 minutes to 2 hours to go to Sabang and then you will take a 10-15 minutes boat ride to that side of the mountain where the underground river is situated.

With so much learning and information I have acquired from the training which will be truly helpful on my work, I feel so knowledgeable with the topic. And at the same I was blessed to see the beauty of this God's wonderful creation, it's an answered prayer and a dream come true.

I thank God for allowing me to serve Him through this ministry that comes with the opportunity to visit and see various parts of this country and later on outside the Philippines. Lord you're simply amazing!

Again?

2010-06-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I was really hesitant if I'll write about this here or not. Perhaps I am afraid what people who read and follow my blog might think or say about me.

But then it does not matter because first and foremost, this is my personal journal and I am doing this for God. He knew it anyway and I'm accountable to Him prior to anyone. I just want to share how I feel after I fell again sexually last week.

Instead of guilt, what I felt was rage against me. I said "shit" several times to myself, cannot believed that I have done it again! In spite of God's goodness and being truthful to His promise, this was how I have treated Him back.

Then the Lord made me realized this. "Son it's just waiting to happen. You know very well in you heart and in your mind that you still have a plan to do it. You're holding on to the contacts of some few guys whom you'd like to meet and have it done with. Also you still want to go back to a couple of guys in your past even you already knew that it was wrong and will never satisfy your needs, only it will bring you back to your old self. Let them go and yield it to me my son. Do you want those promises to happen and eventually become a man I have always wanted you to be? Then let go and obliterate the things from your past and cease holding on to them. Or else, it will gradually pull you down and separates us."

God has forgiven me graciously I know. Almost I heard Him audibly just to help me realized that. Truly there's nothing we can conceal from God. This directed me to destroy the things I am holding on to which could lead me into sexual sin. It includes deleting the contacts and changing my other number. Temptations I've been facing everyday merely just from walking off to work or in mall are strenuous already and holding on to such things and making it an option is too much.

Sometimes I cry out to Jesus to help me find a joy in carrying this daily cross of mine, denying myself and dying to all of my homosexual desires. The Lord knows how much I've wanted to stop, not to fall to any sexual sin over and over again. Avoid looking at it as an option whenever I feel vulnerable (feels alone, tired and sad) and utilize the authority, the strength He has bestowed upon me over this weakness. So I offer this prayer to our Heavenly Father which He has shown me during one of my daily devotion.

"Heavenly Father, I desire to walk in purity with you. Fill me with Your holiness as I pursue a life that is free of sexual sin, in Jesus name Amen."

COH Zamboanga

2010-06-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

Praise God for another successful "Channels of Hope" workshop!

It was held last week in Zamboanga City to train the people working with this NGO including the church partners and a few brothers from the Muslim community.

This was truly a remarkable event because it's the first time I have experienced and witnessed where Christians and Muslims joined together and really getting along well! Also it was the biggest number of participants we handled so far, a total number of 36.

Once again, these new group of people were blessed by God's grace, love, goodness and faithfulness in my life as I have shared my testimony with them. I gained new friends too. It was my first time in this western part of Mindanao and I thank the Lord for He allowed us to visit some places, experienced the "barter trade", and taste some of their native food.

What a great way to start my first day on this new job! God is simply the best!

The Waiting is Over

2010-05-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Yes it's over praise the Lord!

First I have written about "The Adversity of Waiting" followed by "While I'm Waiting", and now I can't believe that my waiting is finally over!

Exactly three months after this job has been offered to me and six months after I have submitted my application on line, I will be starting next month. I believe this is God's perfect timing and I surmise He thinks I am ready now to take this job for His kingdom. God is simply the best!

God taught me a lot of things on this season of waiting and idleness. I have learned to be more patient. I have learned to trust Him more. Also I deemed God has increased my faith in Him through this period of my life. But I believe the best thing He taught me was; He is truly faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made. (Psalms 145:13)

Be still and know that He is God (Psalms 46:10) for great is His love towards us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. (Psalms 117:2)

Lord, you're simply amazing! Thank you for creating this job for me and at the same time for giving me an opportunity to serve you through this work ministry. Praise you Lord Jesus Christ!

The one who calls you is faithful and He will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:24)

While I'm Waiting

2010-05-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

If you have seen the movie "Fireproof", which was recently shown in HBO Asia for a week, you'll be familiar with this song. I fell in love with it the first time I heard and listened to it. I was and still deeply moved by its message.

Currently where I am right now, I sing this song to myself while waiting for some of the God's promises in my life. Waiting is not easy. Time like this is probably one of the favorite times of enemy to work on especially when you're idle and bored but have to be still and trust God. You will understand more if you read my previous blog prior to this one.

By the way, I was able to spend time with my pastor who also happens to be my covering and accountability in the church. We had a great time and God gave me the grace to be brutally honest with him with all I've been through since the last time we talked. Although we did not have the regular Saturday meeting at Bagong Pag-asa, my two friends and I were able to hang out together and had good fellowship.

I believe this period of waiting for this job is God's answer when I prayed about increasing my faith in Him. It seems like He wanted me to wait and hang on for a little while and have faith in Him. Well I am enjoying my time relaxing (perhaps nearly all forms of it which I really enjoy and like) at home with my family and spending more time with God so it is actually a blessing.

As for my health, I am very well except for this slight back pain on the right side. I have time to do my routine work out every morning and will try to increase the crunches I make to have those six pack abs again which I used to have. With undetected viral load and high CD4 count, I do not have to visit my doctor that often. God is good!

After writing "The Adversity of Waiting" previously, I realized that there's also a good side of it; only if you utilize it with things that are pleasing to God, to others and to yourself. My friends says that I have to enjoy a period like this for God is preparing me for a huge work that I will find little time doing these activities I am presently doing.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Psalms 34:8

http://vimeo.com/3768562 or http://www.myspace.com/johnwaller or

Above is the URL for the video of this song and the video in case you want to see it. God bless to all! Shalom!

The Adversity of Waiting

2010-05-08T14:30:00.000-07:00

It's been 3 months now since this job I've applied and prayed for was offered to me back in Bangkok.

The person in charge flew to Thailand then from the country where he is based to personally talk to me about it and I was very excited because I felt like God created this job and have chosen me to specifically do this work for his kingdom.

A week after I came home I was phone interviewed by him just to formally go through with the process and was informed to be notified in a month regarding the status of my application. It is the normal time frame for international job application according to him.

One month had lapsed and I never heard anything from them. God can give anything to us but He can also take them away anytime He wants. I have been thinking whether God was just teaching me to be patient or He decided to take this job away from me because of the sexual fall I had back in Bangkok or of the sinful desires in my heart which kill me everyday. These are the things that were going through in my head. Good thing I was busy doing the Hope ministry, doing interviews and meetings and attending trainings then.

Another month had passed and this time I was and still busy doing nothing, idle and getting a little impatient. And then I received an email from my contact person that I still need to wait a call now from the HR at the local office here in the country. Two weeks of waiting went by and the same things I mentioned above keep going through my mind. Actually it got worst that somehow I became a bit sloppy with my walk and fell into sexual sin again. Honestly, I really felt bad even after my confession to God and asked for His forgiveness. My accountability partners and pastor won't be happy about this.

Now I've got no choice but to stay with Jesus although I failed him once again, pray and still wait. I do not know but I feel like God is playing with me. I truly feel awful about myself because of what happened, a little edgy and frustrated. I feel like God is taking this job away from me. Will God simply do that because of my stupid mistake? Is our Father like that? Do you think He'll do that as a consequence?

Frankly speaking, I deem of letting go and take control of things but I am well aware that this is wrong. This is not God-dependence. I have to convince myself that this is another test of faith and continue clinging on to Jesus albeit I don't feel like it no matter what.

In my two years and five months Christian journey, I have been fed and learned a lot from my pastors, counselors, friends, Christian books, trainings, seminars, ministry and especially from God's word. The only thing left are the proper application of these knowledge.

Truly from with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief, Ecclesiastes 1:18.

Basta Lovelife

2010-05-01T16:30:00.000-07:00

This book by Kuya Kevin is all about making wise relationship decision. I believe this is his first published book here in the country.

Kevin Sanders answers virtually all the most frequently asked questions about love, sex and relationships. Each topic or subjects were presented in a short but very clear way that you can finish reading the whole book in one sitting. It was done very nicely I must say, very easy to read and comprehend.

Here you will understand how's a man or woman should be in a relationship. He talks about the male sex drive, common mistakes women commit, why self control is important and why purity really matters, and other relationship issues.

You can also find ways on how to overcome rejection and break-up and other relationship dilemmas. Kevin also talked about lifestyle issues such as on-line dating, living in and same sex relationships, the truth behind all these things.

In short, it can be a guide on how to have a Christ centered relationship. Yes, the bottom line, loving God first and having an intimate relationship with Jesus by obeying Him for you to have a God-centered relationship. A relationship that is blessed and according to His will.

So get your copy now! Be pure, be wise and be blessed like what Kuya Kevin said!

Nazirite Phase 3 - Hunger

2010-04-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

I am grateful to God for He allowed me to attend the third installment of this training by my pastor held in Baguio City at PBTS last week.

Getting more intimate with God and hungry with Him is the key principle of this phase. Real fasting and praying, intercession and worshiping, meditating on God's word were some of the significant things I have learned which must be a lifestyle of a true follower of Jesus Christ. First phase started with humility all the time followed by holiness, which by the way the greatest experience I had on this training, and then intimacy with our Creator through Jesus.

Honestly, I never really had an encounter with God during this phase unlike in holiness where God had truly spoken to me as early on our first night. My pastor told me then it was the best testimony he ever heard from me because I uttered words of encouragement to young people. I remember I was very inspired by the Holy Spirit while delivering those words. It was also the time when my feelings for this beautiful lady became passionate. By the way, the last time I checked she's getting married late this year. I never got the chance to tell her how I feel. Obliviously she's hurting me but I am alright, God shielded my heart from too much pain.

The best thing that happened to me on this training was when the boys of the participants, mostly member of our church worship team, asked me to join them on their bonding moments. I really felt I belong to this group of male, just one of the boys having fun! They did not treat me as "gay" but as their respected older brother instead! It feels great to be just one of the guys praise the Lord!

Now we're closer and have more passion for Jesus! What a wonderful experience back there, thanks to Him!

When I got back to Manila, I was put to test by the enemy but God's grace is sufficient for me to choose Him over the temptations he had set. It was hard I must admit but God will always provide a way out. All I have to do is to decide to get out.

It's time to put into practice everything I have learned from the beginning and live the Nazirite lifestyle, walking in humility and holiness very intimately with God.

Learning The Hard Way

2010-04-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I am not fond of reading true to life stories before. When I became a Christian I have read the amazing stories from the likes of Brother Yun, Franklin Graham, Dennis Byrd and a few others.

Knowing how God had moved to the lives of His people got my interest in reading them now. The miracles, the healing and the unimaginable twist and turns God allowed in someone's life bring inspiration and help my faith to grow more and cling into Jesus steadfastly.

This book by Kuya Kevin Sanders is a compilation of stories contributed by Filipinos. The lives of these people had been touched by God in different ways but shared with one denominator, falling into sexual sin.

Sexual sin does not come in one form and there are many factors around us that could put anyone at risk of falling into it when the person is oblivious and imprudent. The body is not meant for sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:13) but for the Lord. God is abounding in love but also just and definitely there are consequences for all our sinful actions and most of it is severe.

There are eighteen heart breaking testimonies where you can learn from on this book. But moreover, you can see God's goodness and faithfulness when they started to yield their circumstances to Jesus. God is truly a God of second chances and real hope can only be found in Jesus!

This book also speaks about the reality that is happening inside our churches. It only shows that Christians are really not immune to temptations or sins and also capable of making wrong decisions. Disobeying God or living a life without Him could definitely lead into catastrophe. But what matters most is how you get up after falling just to continue the race God asked us to run, an attitude reflected in virtually all the stories here.

My favorite stories are "Sexual Sin and Stronghold" and "Confessions of a Porn Addict". Not only I can relate to these people but I was simply amazed on how God turned their lives around. My story was featured last entitled "Living with HIV". It's available at PCBS, National Bookstore and Power books.

"Our journey is one of faith. The Lord's glory is often hidden from our sight. While it may seem dark as we struggle along the darkness can also be a door into union with the Lord if we allow Him to walk with us in our journey. Walking with Him gives us hope and peace."

Ministry and Me

2010-04-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

It's been more than six months since I've got a regular job. But the good news is that God remains faithful, and will always be, when it comes to my daily needs and in answering my prayers even the small ones.

Somehow the Lord loves keeping me busy with the ministry He had entrusted me especially the past week.

Last Thursday, I went to the hospital to get my ARV and checked out the result of my latest CD4 count; from 448 it had increased to 521!

After that, I met Kuya Kevin and recorded a radio (podcast) interview with him on his program "Basta Love Life". I am a follower of his blog but it was the first time I personally saw him. He's an incredibly wonderful guy with a heart for young Filipinos. To listen to that interview and know Kuya Kevin more, you can click the links below.

http://kuyakevin.libsyn.com
KuyaKevin.com

My doctor and I, together with the other facilitator, had conducted the two day COH workshop to her (my doctor) church. She's so happy that it finally happened and God truly moved the hearts of the participants!

Two days ago I had attended my first HIV summit in Manila. It was nice to see good friends I have not seen for a long time there and meet new people working in the HIV and AIDS ministry.

Lastly yesterday, I gave an orientation of "Channels of Hope" program to the youth of this church in northern Manila. The response was great and I think they have enjoyed it.

After that, I had decided to go home and take some rest. I was able to finish Kuya Kevin's "Learning the Hard Way" book while in the bus on my way home. The last story featured was mine (Living with HIV) and I'll be fair with my review which I will post here soon.

These are all great blessings from God and words are not enough to thank Him. But thanksgiving to God must be never ending (1 Thessalonians 5:18) so thank you Lord and praise you!

I am excited with the amazing things God is about to do next! He's simply the best!

Sexual Healing

2010-04-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

This book written by David Kyle Foster is truly a biblical guide to finding freedom from sexual sin and brokenness!

He talked about the specific sexual sin areas such as the cause of homosexuality confusion, child sexual abuse, sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation. Also he discussed what brings healing to all this sexual brokenness. These comprise the second part of the book.

Laying the foundations for healing sexual brokenness was covered on the first part as well as the root sources for aberrant sexual development and the divine intent for sexuality.

I was appalled by the revelations I got for myself while reading it. First, I know I am living under grace but not completely to my astonishment! For more than two years of my journey with Christ, I've been praying for deliverance from this struggle and purity when actually I don't really and utterly want it. This explains my habit of entertaining good looking guys and past unforgettable sexual encounters occasionally in my head as well as the hidden desire to try other "stuff which I have not tried" on sex before changing fully. What a self-deception!

Second, I have finally acknowledged that I am obeying God because I was supposed to and not because I wanted to. This is being performance oriented rather than living totally by His grace!

Lastly, this book made me comprehend what idolaters really is and why do we keep giving in to temptations with those foolish and unequivocally non-biblical justifications for those actions. Now I know what God truly is saying in Romans 1:22-28 and why I keep on falling. This realization was intensified with last Sunday's preaching about "Lordship", that Jesus must be the only one Lord of our life. He must not be contending with others especially with our own selves!

Evidently, God revealed all these things to me and I was bewildered and feel so lost at first. But I am glad He did and I am thankful because now I have changed my prayer and became more conscious if what I am saying to God is actually what's inside my heart. I am asking Him to renew a steadfast spirit within me and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me and change wholly, Psalms 51:10-12.

I have decided to believe in God's grace and live out of it instead of just trying to perform to earn God's favor by trying to obey Him because I want to. As a Christian, all my actions and decisions must be simply motivated by love, love for our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.

With faith and hope, one day I believe God will deliver me completely from this SSA struggle, from this brokenness and any related "dirty habit" that I will not go back. Those toxic, filthy rags I'd been holding onto will be replaced with something that is infinitely more valuable such as a glorious robe of righteousness.

The prime directive in accomplishing this is developing an intimate relationship with God. In that place of intimacy, God reveals to us the hidden mysteries of bondage and imparts power to us to overcome sin. I already have experienced this. I just need to strengthen it and choose to love Jesus more. In God's perfect time, I will become the man that He wanted me to be in the name of Jesus.

God is a God of second chances. 2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9.

Video Testimony

2010-04-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a shoot for my video testimony. The youth Pastor who happens to be my friend was the one who did the shoot as well as the editing.

When we're done, it was inordinately long for me to be mitigated to less than 10 minutes. Virtually, it was my entire life story.

The video was shown last Sunday, Palm Sunday to be exact, to the whole congregation but I believe 10-20 percent of the total members were not there. It was my first time to go on public sharing my whole life on a video! I have disclosed my past, my SSA struggle and HIV status to my church! But the best part of it I infer was that, they can see how God is working in my life and gradually transforming me to become the man He desired me to be!

After the video, I was called by our Pastor in front to say something and I have uttered a little prayer for me and for the church with thanksgiving to God the Father. It was my way of giving back the honor, praises and glory to my Creator.

A lot of people were blessed and some of them have approached me after the service which helped to obliterate the edginess I felt prior to and after showing the video.

The enemy (Satan) is absolutely not happy with what I have done. Consequently I pray that the Lord will strengthen me to stand firm in Him and willfully be able to say NO to ungodliness all the time.

Honestly, I was bombarded with temptations the following day! Thank God that He gave me the grace and the will to act and say no to them (Phil. 2:13). It was arduous though I must admit but I am glad I did! Truly His grace is sufficient and is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

I just hope and pray also that those people who have watched and listened to my video testimony were inspired with the HOPE I have shown in JESUS! After all, it was a message from the "Man of Hope".

When Crisis Hits You

2010-03-30T23:50:00.000-07:00

This book by William B. Girao talks about tasting God's goodness in bitter times.

His journey with his wife in the midst of pain is truly inspiring! From the time they had found out that his wife got breast cancer up to the time when she was healed, you can see and feel God's presence that He's completely in control of the whole situation!

William also discussed on dealing with depression, facing painful situations and trusting the goodness of God all at the same time. He had presented great explanation as well on euthanasia and suicide on why it is not an option backed up with arguments from the Scriptures.

The reasons he had mentioned on why does God allow crisis into our lives have made me understood more the pain and struggles in my Christian journey and appreciate more Psalms 42, 43, 44 and 34.

The ingenuous and precise approach of the author made it easier to understand and read. Personally, I can relate to and feel blessed by this book.

God's Favor And Grace

2010-03-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

This week is truly an awesome week for me! Once again I have proven that God is faithful and good all the time.

First and foremost, I believe the Lord had just opened a door for me when He allowed me to share a bit of my life through 700 Club. Even it did not turn out the way I expected it, I am convinced that it's just how God exactly planned it. Mari Kaimo interviewed me and then Peter Kairuz, together with the other guests and staff prayed for me after the show. It will be shown on Monday via QTV at 11PM.

Secondly, God revealed to me how powerful the "Our Father" prayer is and why the Lord Jesus Christ taught that prayer to us. Darrell W. Johnson's "Fifty-Seven Words That Change The World" is a book, a journey through the Lord's Prayer. Only if we will utter it before His throne with a pure heart, it covers everything and could really change this world we are living in! So now I have decided to end my conversation with God with these words.

And lastly but the best thing that ever happened to me, God the Father had opened surprisingly an opportunity for me to share my faith in Jesus to my family especially to my earthly Father! Finally, I was able to tell almost everything I have always wanted to say to my "Tatay" and I strongly believed that my relationship with him just started to be restored! He gave me the fatherly embrace and kiss I've never had! We we're able to forgive each other and say I love you at last!

The life with my family will never be the same again. The Lord pulled down the biggest stronghold which kept our emotions for quite some time. Now that my father just turned 60, he sworn to us that He'll try his best to change and be good. I suggested him to yield that decision to Jesus and allow Him to take control.

I know that the ultimate salvation of my whole family is coming very soon! God's favor and grace is obviously upon me these days and all I can say is PRAISE GOD! YOU are absolutely in control.

The Battleground of Mind

2010-03-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

According to the book written by Francis Frangipane entitled "The Three Battlegrounds" there are three arenas of spiritual warfare; the mind, the church and the heavenly places. Let me share what God taught me with the battleground of mind.

My friend counselor asked me to read this book when I confessed to him the recent sins I have committed which happened early last month. Well I'm quite over it for more than three weeks now, thank God for His grace and mercy! He said that everything starts in the mind so he lent me this book and I have learned a lot!

Victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips. It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our hearts.

I have learned that as a Christian, the goal is Christ-likeness and not warfare. We are called to be transformed into Christ's likeness and not for anything else. It will start with an honest heart before God and maintaining it which is the greatest defense we can have against the devil. Therefore it's being humble at all times. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble, James 4:6. Then in verse 7 it continues, "Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Humility is the first step for it is the stronghold of the godly.

When the enemy (Satan) accuses us of some sin or flaw, agree with thine adversary then turn to God in humility. Satan fears virtue so he is terrified of humility for it is submission to the Lord.

Pulling down all the strongholds is the demolition and removal of these old ways of thinking so that the actual Presence of Jesus Christ can be manifested through us. In doing this we need to take every thought captive to Christ to the obedience of Him, 2 Cor. 10:5. Arrest the thought "I am just a sinner!" by replacing it with the confession of our faith that now we are a beloved child of God and though we occasionally still sin, Christ's blood cleanses us of all unrighteousness through confession, 1 John 1:9. We are a new creation for the old has gone and the new has come, 2 Cor. 5:17.

Focusing on God's highest purpose will bring us peace during the warfare for God is a God of peace and it will soon crush Satan under our feet, Rom. 16:20; only then we can rule in the midst our enemies!

Let us pray: "Lord Jesus, I submit to You. I declare, according to the Word of God, that because of Your power to subject all things unto Yourself, the weapons of my warfare are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds (2 Cor. 10:3-4). I repent for using the lie, "I will never be like Jesus," as an excuse to sin and compromise my convictions. In Jesus' name I renounced my flawed, sinful old nature and, by the grace of God and the power of Your Spirit, I pull down the stronghold of unbelief that exists in my mind. Because of the perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I am a new creation. And I believe that I will go from glory to glory, being continually transformed into Christ's image as I walk with God in Jesus name I pray. Amen."

I copied this prayer from the book and have decided to apply what I have learned; praying not to fall on the same sin over and over again and that the victory in me will be consummated by Jesus' nature in my heart.

Remember, victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips. It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our hearts.

I Am 33 Today!

2010-03-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

Yes my dear readers and followers, I just turned 33 years old today and I am happy so you can simply greet me "Happy Birthday!"

All I can say is God has been so good and faithful to me and He will stay that way forever. Last time I talked about the blessings I have received from Him in spite of my iniquities. Today, the Lord simply showed me how blessed I am with the people He sent to love me.

My mother had prepared and ordered some food to share for celebration. My cousins and my older brother's family were my only home visitors. A lot of my friends from church, office and former work and classmates greeted me either through phone text messages, email, face book or my other personal website. It feels good to be remembered and feel loved on this special day.

I thank God for all the blessings and for the 33 years gift of life. Although the birthday requests and prayers I have been praying for remains unanswered, I strongly believed that I will received them in His perfect timing. Actually I asked for a Mac book pro laptop and the full scholarship grant for the AIDS conference in Vienna among others from God so let's wait and see.

But imperatively, God has reminded me today about my real purpose in this life; that I might come into Christ likeness. This is the goal of my faith in Him to be victorious for victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips and will be consummated by the nature of Jesus in our hearts!

Today also marked the second year anniversary of this blog, the online personal journal of mine. I am so glad that it has been reached by many and feel so blessed to have followers who are praying for or with me and became my online friends. Thank you guys!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose, Romans 8:28.

God bless you all and shalom!

Shower of Blessings

2010-02-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

"When it rains it pours." That's very true whether you would like to use it on something good or bad and I am referring it to the blessings God has been pouring out upon me.

The memories I have in Bangkok are still fresh. The things I need to pay were all paid; this is the area where I have proved that God truly knows the exact timing. I am only a few weeks away to be on board on the job I have been prayed for and still praying about.

God has given me another opportunity to bless more people when I get to share my testimony through this TV program, I don't know when it will be aired but I was set for an interview this Friday.

But the most important gift I have received from the Lord.......the result of my VL or viral load test is now UNDETECTED! I got this news from my doctor friend last week. God is truly healing me, He's my real doctor!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart", Psalm 37:4. My heartfelt thanks go to our Heavenly Father for answering my prayers and for all these blessings. In spite of my shortcomings and iniquities, He remains faithful and will always be.

Praise be to God!

Bangkok Trip

2010-02-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

I was out of the country for the past ten days because God had sent me to Bangkok, Thailand to be a part of the training team for Channels of Hope or COH Training of Facilitators.

This is my second time to be a trainer for this program and we are five in the team plus our mentor Rev. Christo Greyling. We have 21 participants who have attended and were certified to be facilitators and new "channels of hope". They came from Thailand, Mongolia, Laos, Vietnam and Myanmar. It was great to have a Filipino participant who is serving the people of Laos. Meeting and making new friends are just two of the great things that happen with this event.

People were blessed and inspired with what God has been done and still doing in my life when I told them my testimony. Their learning experience has become more real and heart striking according to them.

It was my first time in Bangkok and the second country I have visited. My good friend and I were able to see the Grand Palace before we left the country and able to see some shopping malls like Siam Center and MBK and did some a little shopping. Thai food was really good especially the Tom Yum!

God poured out many blessings to me during my 9 days stay in this place. I believed He opened a door for me which I thought was closed regarding this certain job I have applied for more than a couple of months ago though I need to confirm this first in the coming weeks. I have received an invitation from this youth church leader through email to speak about my life and minister to their group of young people. She's a follower of this blog and this is where she got to know me. Also God answered all my simple prayers while in Bangkok!

These are few of the good things happened to me while in Thailand though I must admit that not all the whole time I stayed there were all victory. Honestly I have made a mistake which I think I do not have to elaborate here anymore. God has forgiven me and taught me something new out of that blunder. It was not enough to stop me from loving God and surrendering to Jesus all of me.

All in all, it was a wonderful, blessed and great trip! I praise God and grateful to Him for this remarkable experience.

Man of Hope

2010-01-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

"Depressed people love to gather around you because you radiate hope. You are able to put a boundary that you do not get into their despair and that is a gift. God has given you that gift because He has faith in you and you have faith in people! When they say that they want to give up, you will simply say that 'you can do it'! You give hope to people."

These may not be the exact words but this is what it sounds like when our guest preacher last Sunday looked at me and asked me to stand up, stared deeply into my eyes when she released these prophetic words to me. Her ministry partner now called me the "man of hope". Everyone now in our church calls me the "man of hope".

I was so blessed that Sunday and somehow I have expected it because I have prayed for it. Boldly I asked God to speak to me that day and He did! He never fails every time I implore Him to talk to me, He's so faithful and truly an awesome God!

I surmise this has something to do with the ministry I have been doing for almost two years now which is the "Channels of Hope". What exactly I will be doing in the next several months or few years, that I have no idea. As long as God will continue to use me in the HIV and AIDS ministry to give hope to the hopeless and be a light, forever I will be grateful and blessed.

Man of hope, that's me and will always be being me.

Praise the Lord for another successful COH workshop early this week held at the Samaritana. Nineteen God's men and women have been trained to be equipped on the HOPE initiative for churches on HIV and AIDS.

Patience and Faith

2010-01-13T18:45:00.000-08:00

I believe these are two of the many things God is teaching me nowadays and it made me realize that patience and faith go together most of the time or probably all the time.

For the past several weeks, I have been praying to the Lord to help me increase my faith and believe in Him and be patient enough to wait for His instruction and direction. It seems like that God is indubitably into it when it comes to the job I've been praying for and the breakthrough I've been waiting for in my Christian journey.

We all know that it's a little difficult to wait especially if you're waiting for quite some time now but for some reason, God has put in my heart peace and joy while going through this stage I guess merely because that's how I feel. Like He said in Psalm, be still and know that He is God. My pastor told me that the Lord is preparing me to do something big and I feel the same way too.

At this point, I am still hoping for the best that I will land the job I have been fasting and praying for in His perfect timing as well as the breakthrough in my walk. I just need to be patient and have faith in Jesus that He's at work.

While I am waiting, I shrewdly use my time in reading the scriptures more, watching my favorite TV shows, working out and volunteering in the church and to my old work.

God bless you all. Shalom!

My 2009: The Review

2010-01-02T21:15:00.000-08:00

Year 2009 started off my second year as a Christian and I have decided to start my third year remembering what happened in the past year and writing a few resolutions for 2010.

First and foremost, I am very thankful for the faithfulness and incomparable love God has shown me. Being allowed to meet a lot of people in the Christian community and minister then be a blessing to them while doing the "Channels of Hope" in the HIV and AIDS ministry is truly a joyful and wonderful experience. Regardless how exhausting it was but the transformation of the participants and the passion it created into their hearts after learning the truth about this pandemic is an utmost importance in reducing the stigma and discrimination. Some of them began executing their plans.

I am grateful for each opportunity that God gives me to share what He has done into my life whatever the result maybe. I am thankful that God is continuously using me in this ministry. This is the first thing I asked from Him when I became His son more than a couple of years ago.

The Lord has allowed me to work for a few months in this Christian NGO and I have learned a lot from this job. I believe this is just a preparation for something better and bigger.

I had an incredible time and experience doing the adolescent reproductive health with HIV & AIDS awareness program and spearheading its pilot testing and training the first batch of facilitators.

Though the latter part of the year was not good, still I am thankful for the things God had taught me through these failures. From falling into a series of sexual sins after almost seventeen months of celibacy, going through an emotional co-dependency for the first time which I am still working out, up to waiting for a new job after my contract has ended; God has been with me all through out even I was not with Him.

The imperative lesson I have learned is that, everyday is a day of submission to God Almighty and never trusting my self especially on the area of my SSA struggle. Yielding to Him every part of my life and believing that He is at work even when I am not faithful is a must.

God has taught me to be more patient and incessantly seek direction and instructions from Him. Lastly, God has reminded me that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose for I am more than a conqueror. Romans 8:28.

Before the year has ended, God has spoken to me through my life net group. The Lord has given me Deuteronomy 31 which can be summarized into this, "be courageous and strong for you must go with this people into the land God has promised and the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you so do not be terrified and discouraged." I believe this has something to do with the discipleship that He's asking me to do.

He also gave me Joshua 3, "consecrate yourself for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things in you." This one is telling me that I must take my Christian walk very seriously, be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I will be able to test and approve His good, pleasing and perfect will for me as mentioned in Romans 12:2.

God knows there are few risky things in the gay lifestyle which I have not tried that I am curious to try and I surmise, God wants me to give it up and totally offer myself as a living sacrifice. Well I have decided to surrender it to Him, remove it from my mind and not do it and made a promise to consecrate myself for Him but this time to be fully dependent and trust in Him.

Lord grant that this year I may be more holy and walk more closely than ever in all holy conversation. I earnestly desire to be filled with thy holy thoughts to be carried out in holy affections, determined by holy aims and intentions and governed in all my words and actions by holy principles. Oh that golden thread of holiness may run through the whole web of this year.

This is Matthew Henry's New Year's prayer, this is my prayer and may this be yours too. Happy New Year to all!

Why Mary? Why Me? Why you?

2009-12-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all!

This could be my last blog post for this year so let me share the beautiful message to our church for this season which is aptly titled "Why God Chose Mary?"

God chose people according to His own purpose. It is not whom men choose but whom God chooses. God will choose people who will make a difference in your life. God is still choosing "Mary's" today, so why Mary? Why you or why me?

First, Mary established God-values in her life that were immovable. She has unquestionable values-convictions. According to my pastor, the following must be every Christians' convictions in life: the Bible will be my infallible guidebook for living, the main reason I exist is to serve God's purposes and it's not about me, God's plan are always better than my own, and obedience to God is what He will use to grow me and fulfill His best for my life.

Second, Mary was still in the process of learning more everyday. In Luke 1:34, her answer is "How can I cooperate with you?" She's willing to obey and she's prepared. God chooses those who are willing to obey even if they do not agree with Him. That is obedience. Pride is the greatest hindrance for us to be used by God.

Christians are both saved and being saved, still learning through convictions. We are saved and are still under God's work. We are all still being saved for new things are happening, Mary was not just saved but also still being saved that's why she could hear correctly from God. Probably you and I are in our situation because we heard from God before and we just obeyed.

I obeyed Him two years ago when He called me and now I am still learning and being saved. Happy birthday Lord Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas to everyone! God bless!

Water Baptism

2009-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, December 13 marked my second year as a Christian. Reminiscing the past two years of living for the Lord Jesus Christ, I realized that I have been through a lot.

The Lord had given me a ministry on HIV and AIDS which is the "Channels of Hope". He allowed me to speak before the young people in and out of the country. I have learned so many things from my SSA struggle which I am still scuffling with up to present. But most importantly, I have come to know God more through all of these and still in the process of knowing Him deeper and getting more intimate with the Lord Jesus Christ.

It was also a day for water baptism in our church. It's very timely for the celebration of my spiritual birth but I must admit that I was hesitant at first whether I am going to do it or not. I felt that I am not worthy of it because of the recent happenings in my Christian life. But praise the Lord for He made me realize once again who really I am for Him through the words I heard from my close Christian friends. In short, I have decided to be baptized that afternoon praying that God will truly renew my whole being, leaving my old self and living truthfully a new life.

Baptism is an act of obedience. The scripture said that it is dying to old way of living and being resurrected to a new life. When we are baptized we confirm externally that we are the beloved children of God and He takes pleasure in us. In short, it is a public declaration or confession of our faith in Jesus to all including the demons in this world and in the spiritual realm.

Testing of faith will surely come and I pray that God will strengthen me more to choose Him all the time.

By the way, I have made a decision to gradually stopped seeing and talking to this guy I have an ED with as my counselors, friends and Pastor told me. Yes it is quite difficult because of the compassion in my heart I have for him but it is the best for both of us. I will continue to pray for him that he will truly seek God so the change he wants to happen in his life will indubitably take place.

ED or not ED?

2009-12-05T19:00:00.000-08:00

"Let's not continue doing this, it will all over be the same again. It feels good and happy on the first few weeks but will end up sooner or later, with each other being left hurt and heart broken."

These are the words uttered by this guy to my surprise and astonishment in the middle of our cuddling and kissing that day. Oh yes! I almost did it again just the other day. This person is the same guy I have sinned with the third and last time. I met him during the HBC training and we became close friends. He was broken hearted then and need someone to talk to whom he can truly trust. I have offered because honestly, I am attracted to him. I took the chance to know him personally so the mystery of attraction will melt away like what I usually do. Unfortunately this time, it did not work. The more I get to know him, the more I want to be with him that's why since then we became closer. Lord knows I do not want this and I did not expect this to happen.

I have been through with the entire possible struggle that is sex related, from flirting to cruising, masturbation, voyeurism, casual sex and pornography. I never thought that I would have to go through with ED or emotional dependency as well because it is more difficult according to those who have experienced it. I surmise this friendship I have with him can possibly develop into that if I did not put some action plan to stop it. We're both happy when we're together and we miss each other when we're apart.

When I confessed this to one of my pastors and counselors from the church, he said I need to set some boundaries or limitations. Good thing that this friend of mine have made a stand that he don't want me to go back to my old life completely for him; that I am already on the right track of my life and happy with it. He's right with that because from the very beginning I already told him my stand on homosexuality, all the things I have learned why I am trying to live my life away from it and that I am a Christian who is currently going through the process of being change by God.

I think I am falling for him that's why that moment I think I am ready to go with him and backslide. He did not want that but instead, he wants me to fulfill the promises which God has made for me and stick with it.

My counselor advised me that I do not have to evade him completely. Since he made a stand, he believed that I can lead him to Christ only I need to control myself, set limitations and pray for him. I need to follow that because in the first place, the reason why I befriended this guy honestly is to show him that living and suffering for Christ is way much better than living in slavery.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians5:1. Gay lifestyle is living in slavery, sexual addiction, relationships and other habits which make the person more addicted to it, depressed and feeling empty in the end without realizing it.

Thank God that He's truly in control and He's still protecting me despite of my wrong decisions in life. Praise God Almighty!

COH Baguio

2009-11-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

The Lord has been very good as for another successful "Channels of Hope" workshop was held last week in Baguio City.

It was a two days training for ADP staff and church partners consist of mostly pastors. There are 106 participants who came from different parts of northern and central Luzon. We have people from as far as Cagayan Valley and Isabela. Since the workshop is designed for a maximum of 30-35 participants, we divided them into three according to the area they are working.

Based on their evaluation and facial expressions, they are all blessed and happy to be a part of it. As for me, if they are blessed I am more blessed! Though the enemy was trying to steal some moment when he made me tripped off the stairs, butt first as I went to the other group to share my testimony! Well he can't stop me; I am alright though it gave me a bruise and now it's colored purple.

My mother and sister went with me to church last Sunday. They met everyone in the church including my adopted mother from Palawan and brother, and of course my Pastor and his wife. They have enjoyed the service and hopefully this will be the start of their journey with Christ.

God truly answers prayers. As a matter of fact, I am about to send my application to this job opening directly related to what I am currently doing for His kingdom. A church friend of mine informed me regarding this job via text message while I was in Baguio, hopefully this is God's answer to my prayer and I claim it in Jesus name.

To God be all the honor and glory! Amen.

A Series of Poor Judgments

2009-11-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

After that wonderful reunion with my friends last week, a series of poor judgments on my part happened. There are some lessons learned even without making mistakes but definitely inevitable for one event.

I have confessed this already to my few church friends including the pastor who disciples me. I became close to this guy I met during the HBC training. He's also HIV positive and he's broken hearted. In short, I became the rescuer of this person which should not have happened. We frequently talk to each other after that training until last Friday; I have spent a night with him at his place supposedly just to talk. We slept in one bed and then you probably know what took place the following morning, which makes him the fourth on the list. I believe I must stop counting because it's not doing me any good.

The poor judgment is when I decided to spend the night and sleep with him. Honestly, I came up with that decision because I myself feeling kind of lonely that time which made me vulnerable enough to loose self control. We should never trust our flesh for it remembers every pleasure we have experienced in the past that we want to forget and that's my mistake. I felt very disappointed and at the same time frustrated.

Confession to BP brothers during the support group last Saturday happened and then on Sunday to my church friends. Second poor judgment is when I still made the decision to meet this guy whom I also met during that training. Well I must admit I am attracted to him, he's the trainer in the session hall next to ours. We had a casual talk and we exchanged numbers. Wait! That's another poor judgment; I should not have done that! Sorry but can't help it.

Anyway, we had a dinner last Sunday with the intention of knowing the person a bit to melt away the mystery of attraction to him. I am quite disappointed for the following reasons. First, he's not the person I thought he was. Secondly, our conversation did not turn out the way I planned it because of how he had expressed himself. Supposedly, I was going to share some part of my life including my health condition but unfortunately it never happened. God has only shown me that there's no Mr. Right Guy to a guy.

The Lord knows in my heart that I am expecting him to come and then I will backslide. It will always be like this so I must stop this illusion and learn my lesson! Though I must say that there's still a physical attraction but I have surrendered it to God praying that it will simply go away. I am not planning neither to get in touch with him nor see him again.

Last poor judgment is when I talked to the guy who flirted with me on my way home that night. Nothing sinful happened but nevertheless I should have never entertained him. I was able to share my Christian life and how I became one and he was able to share his life to. I advised him not to get into a same sex relationship and go back to his wife; yes he's married with two kids.

God has only revealed to me through these events that same sex relationship is really out of his design and I must put an end to all these playing with my boundaries! We prayed for the consecration last Monday at the JREV night and I hope and pray that this will really straighten up my Christian walk for I am so sick and tired of falling into sexual sin over and over again and then asking for forgiveness.

I have no idea what God must be thinking but I still thank Him for His grace and mercy, and unconditional love. I will try harder to obey His teachings and ways according to His words. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray with me. Thank you.

Gift of Friendship

2009-11-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday my two college friends who work abroad, a local worker college friend and I have met and the four of us ate lunch and shopped together half of the day.

It was a blessed day for me because finally I was able to tell them the truth about me without any fear of losing them. God has shown me once again how blessed I am with friends who are always ready to help and be there when I need them.

In short, the reunion went very well and they have understood and accepted me for what had happened and I have felt that our friendships are meant to last for a lifetime. I know you guys are reading this so let me say a million thanks to you. The Lord blesses you always and you will be in my prayers.

Thank you Lord for the wonderful gift of friends. I just hope and pray that my other old friends who are still clueless to the events of my life will have the same response. God bless you all.

HBC Training

2009-10-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

It was a great week last week for a lot of good things happened to me in spite of being a bummer for almost a month now.

Since I do not have a work, I was able to attend the HBC or Home Based Care Training organized by this NGO for the HIV infected and affected families. Basically it's about taking care of an ill or bed ridden person at home. Information and practical application were shared and demonstrated which made the learning fun and more interesting.

During this event, the Lord did something wonderful. Surprisingly God has allowed me to be a witness to five different persons in just one night! The first person was seeking for answers on how to change and not do the things that brought him the infection.

The second one though did not go well at first. Inadvertently I came across to him in a judgmental and alienating way when we talked about my stand on homosexuality as a Christian. I have learned a lot from this conversation and we parted ways as two mature man.

The third and the fourth person are best of friends. I have met this guy at the mall that night when he smiled at me then we talked and I found out that he used to be a Christian. When I revealed my status to him and to his friend they began to think about their lives now and so grateful that I have shared my life to them. We're good friends now.

God saved the best for last. Before I go to bed that night, I was able to talk to one of my co-trainees. He shared his life and I shared mine and in the end, he accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior!

It was tedious but truly an amazing night! To be used by God to save souls or even just simply plant a mustard seed in an unexpected time and place makes this Christian life even better. Thank you Lord.

Amazing Grace

2009-10-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I am not so happy to blog about the things happened to me in the past few weeks. But of course, this is my journal and I believe I must write them down. Certainly there were lessons learned needs to be imparted.

After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.

Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!

It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!

A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!

In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.

Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.

Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.

Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.

This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.

Abstinence and Risk Avoidance

2009-09-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

The group has just finished the training of facilitators and pilot testing of the adolescent reproductive health module I have worked on for the past months through my leadership. In fact, I am still at the venue while I am writing this blog.

Generally, the "Abstinence and Risk Avoidance" for Filipino youth training went well. In spite of the very bad weather caused by the tropical storm "Ondoy", more than the target number of youth participants to participate on the pilot testing came over. Based on the evaluation of all the participants, they have a wonderful and amazing experience and were glad to be a part in learning even one of the five units of the whole module.

For me, the highlight of this event was when the Lord prompted me to tell my life story during the training of facilitators. At first, I have no intention of doing that because this is not Channels of Hope workshop. But when some of these soon to be new facilitators for this program were having a hard time understanding the homosexuality part, I have no choice but to tell them the truth. To ensure that it was really right to share my testimony, I even asked God a clear signal to go and He really gave me one so I did it.

I don't know if all of them were blessed but it does not matter. I believe it touched their hearts as I saw them crying with me as I shared my life to them. Some of them gave me a hug and a pat on my back. One of them has decided to name her grandchild after me to my surprise! I said wow! I was almost speechless and elated at the same time when this jolly woman approached me to ask if it's alright with me.

Every time I talked about the Christian truth about homosexuality, it always creates a lot of questions out of bewilderment. If you can remember, the same thing happened when I was invited to be a resource speaker in Sri Lanka last year on their HIV and AIDS national youth conference to talk about this issue.

All I can say is that, God has been and will always be good and faithful to me in this journey. Truly I have experienced His strong presence in me during these times which depict the peace and happiness I have in my heart.

Some of them might have understood it and accepted the Christian view on homosexuality through my life but still there are a few who were left unconvinced and confused. Well, that's all I can do for now and I will let God speak to them personally regarding this matter.

Undeniably, this program has a touch of my life on it and I would understand if some of them will leave out the homosexuality part when they began teaching it because it is not easy to comprehend and to grasp in one seating; that's what I told to these new facilitators.

My contract will end three days from now and I have no idea what will happen next. I have made plans already accompanied with prayers of course but I do not know what His plans are for me. Not worried I must say but excited and looking forward to what God will be doing next.

I just want to thank the Lord and praise Him for this successful event. He's truly with me and us all throughout on this. Thank you Jesus and I give you back all the honor and glory. Amen

Major Fall

2009-09-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

I hope I am not getting worst with the recent trials I have failed to win in the past few weeks of my Christian journey.

First, I got myself into a little flirting and cruising at the malls though they were all unintentional. Second I went to kissing and hugging guys during those times that I can't resist them, without having sex of course and then this sexual release for the first time after a little more than seventeen months of celibacy happened. After that I tried masturbating. And then last Saturday night I guess I had a major fall.

This guy followed me all the way to the ride station going to our house in the province. It turned out that he's attracted to me and well I am also attracted to him. Though I told him that I am a Christian and I have stopped having sex with guys he's very persistent of seeing me and befriending me that I cannot ignore him anymore. Eventually I said yes and I went out with him and have dinner at their house. I know this was a wrong decision because he's alone that time and it was not a safe place for the two of us and yet I still accepted his invitation.

We ate, talked and laid down together at the sofa (again wrong move!) then it happened. We started kissing and hugging each other and then I came to a point that I can no longer resist him and have finally succumbed to the desires of our flesh. I even mentioned to him that I am HIV positive and it's alright with him. There's no penetration happened because I did not want to. After that I said sorry to him and to God.

That night before I went to bed, I told God that this is too much and I hate it. What really stunned me was that, once again I did not feel a huge guilt or if ever I have guilt feelings, it was not strong. I did not understand that until last Sunday when I confessed and talked about this to one of my friends in the church. By the way, I have confessed it to my pastor and other counselors.

When I talked to this friend of mine about all of this, she said that it was the grace of God. Jesus Christ took away the shame and guilt and God allowed me not to feel that. At first I was confused but she told me that's how God love me so much and we're so intimate now that He did not allow me to feel that way. Of course He's against it and grieved over it but the tears I cried during the altar call last Sunday were tears over His presence I have been longing during the time when it's all happening. It's easy for me to ask forgiveness and go back to Him but honestly if I would not be careful, this could lead me to abusing His grace without knowing and I do not want that.

Also, I need to mention that I have believed in the mendacity of the enemy that since I have broken my promise to God there's no use of controlling myself anymore that's why I let myself that night. I have been feeling miserably over resisting the temptations for the past several weeks which I did not understand at first why I have been bombarded by temptations anywhere which I surmise is not normal. I missed being happy. Then later on I found out that it has something to do with my prayers to Him and all these are just part of the test and somehow I did not managed to pass.

I have learned my lessons and I have to stand up, stop believing the enemy's deceptions, dust myself off and continue walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I just hope and pray that this will be the last and painstakingly to be wiser next time to come up with the right decision. I have decided to be with Jesus no matter what happens for He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will stop being performance or goal oriented with my Christian walk because it's not doing me any good.

"Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson is the last book I read and it seems like I did not learn anything from it so I guess I have to read it again and this time put it in my heart. The book helps the reader to understand who we are in God and as a child of God and how to walk victoriously. I will share my review on this book in the near future here in my blog after finishing it for the second time.

Masturbation

2009-09-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

After that inadvertent release of sexual urges a couple of weeks ago and realized that the promise I made to God has been broken, the enemy has lured me to another which is masturbation. This is my first masturbatory emission after more than seventeen months of celibacy and not having any natural release through wet dreams.

Alright I masturbated three or four nights ago trying to experiment if I can do it without thinking lustfully. Honestly, the only picture which came into my mind while doing it was kissing a guy with a blurred face but it was just a very fleeting moment. I have concentrated on touching and caressing parts of my body until I came.

Did I feel any guilt after? Sorry but I did not feel any guilt having this thought that it is possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts. I have a friend who's a Christian leader of this ex-gay ministry and according to him it is possible indeed that's why I tried it. Moreover, you must be disciplined so you will not be obsessed to it.

Why did I do it? I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I don't want to do it. In addition to that like I mentioned above, I just want to try it if it's possible and then see if I will feel culpable after.

A couple of nights ago, I was feeling the urge again but instead of getting into it I opted to pray and surrender it to Him and then tried to get to sleep. The enemy really knows when to attack because right after that prayer and lying on my bed, the guy I wanted to have done with it sent me a text message but I ignored it and went back to sleep. Also I have decided not to resort to masturbation having the fear that I might be addicted to it.

I have met a person who believes and earnestly advises that masturbation is for married people only. It becomes a sin because usually it is being done with lustful thoughts. The bible does not directly refer on this matter so it is viewed not inherently wrong. Well I guess I will try my best to abstain from doing it and pursue a holy and pure life with Jesus as long as I can with God's grace of course.

The Life God Blesses

2009-09-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

This book by Gordon MacDonald talks about how we can weather the storms of life that threaten our soul. Here he compared our Christian life to a sailing boat and its foundation which is the keel below the waterline.

We often set out on life's voyage with little regard to the quality of our vessel. We are more concerned with our ship's appearance than we are with what lies below the waterline - the all important soul that acts as a keel to keep us afloat should the waters turn tempestuous.

Living out of the soul is the term he used to depict how we as Christians give high importance to the quality of our soul. We should have a soul shaped by mission and guides to have a beautiful soul of which I have shared earlier in this blog. I will share later on the mission we must have as Christians and soul's liturgy to be pondered on a daily basis to stay communing with God in our own moment of silence with Him.

The life God truly blesses is simply living in full dependency on Him for protection, wisdom and for resources with deep humility of which will made all the difference according to MacDonald. The soul is meant to be the energy center far below the waterline that provides the power to breakthrough circumstances and situations bogging down the ordinary person.

God Himself comes to dwell in the soul of people who open their lives to Him in faith. That is living out of the soul, a life God blesses. I highly recommend this book to everyone so I must thank my adopted mother from Palawan for giving me this book because I am truly blessed. Thank you mom for this book.

A Broken Vow?

2009-08-28T20:30:00.000-07:00

For the past seventeen months, I never had an actual sexual encounter because I have made a promise to God that I will try my best not to indulge myself into it.

Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.

What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.

I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.

After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.

I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.

To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.

Cebu Trip Part 2

2009-08-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have spent the past nine days in Cebu for the training of facilitators batch two for Channels of Hope or COH. This time together with other facilitators from the first batch, I acted as a co-trainer under the mentorship of Christo Greyling.

The training was successful and we had a great time working all together. My foster mother from Palawan and I were re-united for she was one of the participants as well as my own doctor. We were also able to spend some time together.

I left the city with a heavy heart. Somehow I was attached to this guy from the hotel that I am attracted to and when I showed special attention to him and he did not respond, I must admit my pride and feelings was hurt. This was what I got from doing stupid things like that. I know I should have not done that in the first place. What triggered me to do that was because he was nice to me and I like him. Not only that I have sinned but it also made me feel bad after doing such. I felt so cheap that time that's why I did not even say goodbye to him nor smile at him on my last day there. Yes I cried upon leaving for it's like another death to my own self. Nonetheless, it was over and I am alright now. It's just one of my dumbness when it comes to my SSA struggle. Oh Lord, how long will it take for me to bear things like this?

On the brighter side, I was able to get to ride finally on the world's first edge coaster and have seen the beauty of Cebu city! Next visit probably I will do the sky walk.

It was a memorable trip indeed for I not only enjoyed it but also got the realization that I must really stop acting on my desires for men even in small ways which I think harmless initially. I must stop and focus on Jesus more.

Beautiful Soul

2009-08-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

I am almost done reading "The Life God Blesses" by Gordon MacDonald, only few chapters left. There are three subjects from this book which I think every Christian must know. The first one is the questions guide to have a beautiful soul.

1. Who am I really trying to please?
2. What needs am I trying to meet? What insecurities am I pampering? And what feelings am I storing up?
3. With whom/what am I competing?
4. What rewards am I seeking?
5. What guilt or shame might I be covering?

These five questions must be answered every time we make choices or decisions or about to do something in our Christian life. It was austerely and yet meticulously answered in the book so I suggest you grab a copy. I'm not done yet reading like I have said but in my opinion this is one of the best books that everyone must read to have a life God will truly blesses! I will share the other two very important subjects on my next posts.

Latest COH Workshop

2009-08-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

This is my eleventh COH workshop to facilitate and fourth as a lead. The recently held seminar last week was intended for the staff of the organization I am working for. Unfortunately, there were only 9 staff attended and the rest were from church partners.

"It challenged my views and has opened up my heart and mind to the reality of HIV and AIDS. I will definitely share it to my family and friends and encourage other office staff to attend this seminar. All Christians must be educated and get involved in this issue and be a channel of hope!"

The above statement is just one of the many positive feedback and comments of more than twenty participants. What a blessing from the Heavenly Father! He's truly faithful and good all the time. Seeing the transformation of the people after acquiring knowledge and learning from the workshop really puts me in a blissful moment especially when they commit and try to do something to be a channel of hope!

I really love telling my story because it is simply a story of God's grace. People has been touched and realized that all of us are living in the realm of God's grace and mercy. Continuously, I also learn something from them and every workshop were different from each other. God is moving people differently through this ministry.

I pray that the Lord will continue to use me for the advancement of his kingdom and help me to use the full potential of the gifts He had given me. I cannot do this without Jesus so I give back all praise and glory to Him. Amen.

Boy Meets Girl

2009-07-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

This book of Joshua Harris talks about courtship and romance with a purpose; it's having a relationship in a Christian way.

First I thought, why on earth would I read this kind of book? I have no intentions of getting into a relationship at least in the very near future. Above all else I have no intentions yet of getting married. Yes the desire to have a girlfriend who will eventually become my wife was already there but why now? I asked the Lord.

Nonchalantly, I read it and whoa! I have felt like God was speaking to me though Harris' words and stories. Astonishingly, it's not just about relationship. He talks about how we should live our life as a man and woman of God in order for us to be in a match made in heaven! A God- given gift kind of relationship and marriage.

Aside from the things I have learned on ways of getting into courtship and its significance, what really struck me most was the part when Harris discussed what's being pure and holy is! And also why living pure and holy and without even a hint of sexual immorality is of great value especially for God. That's when I realized and decided that I will try my best to really live pure and holy, of course with confidence in Jesus for I cannot do it alone by myself.

Harris also explained in details the meaning of God's sacrifice and Jesus' crucifixion in relation to purity and holiness. For some reason, not only that I have deeply appreciated it but I have finally come to full understanding of God's love!

I am so blessed and grateful to have read and finished this book. Is it possible that God is gradually preparing me to be in a relationship? It started several weeks ago when I have felt the desire to have a girlfriend and be married, and then I have began to like this girl in our church and now we are somewhat close friends. Could she be the girl? Could this be the start of the new chapter of my life? Am I really prepared and ready for this? Well, only God knows and I am in bliss.

I have decided to pray about this for almost two weeks now and optimistically to hear from HIM in his perfect timing. For the mean time, I will enjoy my friendship with her and continue to get to know her more.

Bitter - Sweet Victory

2009-07-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am very glad that I have chosen to do the right things which is not to have sex with the two guys I have mentioned in my previous blog. To choose Jesus is not easy especially if you already made your decision not to.

Though I've made up my mind, I told it to the people I am accountable with except to my pastor though he found out later on so that they can pray for me hoping that by some miracle my decision will be changed. Sunday last week I prayed for that miracle and it happened. The Lord has spoken to me about freedom and that's when I realized that Jesus has freed me long time ago. All I have to do is to live by that freedom. In short, I have painfully changed my decision not to do it and chose Jesus instead.

Not only that, I also have decided to do most of the restitution God has asked me to do back in Baguio during the Nazarite training. I asked forgiveness and told the truth about my HIV status to almost all of the guys I have sex with after my diagnosis. They have forgiven me and thank God they are negative!

I have to do the remaining restitution in the coming weeks for I have decided to live holy and pure and will try not to have even a hint of sexual immorality of course with the aid of God's grace, Ephesians 5:3.

Bitter victory because I literally cried inside and out over the death to this desire miserably and I know that temptations will always be there to test me. Sweet victory because I believed I have pleased God and I have felt I am really free from this bondage, hoping and praying that I will be stronger for the succeeding battle. This victory has given me the courage to do the restitution I must do for I strongly believed God has given me the grace to do it.

One of these two guys sympathized with me upon learning my situation. We talked personally and I ended up sharing with him the goodness that the Lord has done so far in my life. God is really good all the time. Thank you Jesus!

Extreme Ambivalence

2009-07-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

It's so funny that I talked about last time about the new desires I have and yet at this point I am in the biggest spiritual battle I am facing ever and I have to make a decision imminently.

I never thought it would be this difficult for me to make the right decision which is to choose Jesus. I feel like I am Achan for I have kept something from my old life and now God has revealed it to me to yield it to him and totally turn my back away from it.

For the past year, I have kept in communication with these two guys with the idea in mind that after a year of my celibacy I would try again to have sex just once. Now that I am beyond that, 16th months of consecration on the 20th of this month to be exact, I do really want to do it. I never mentioned this to anyone until now that I do really want to do it. I told it to my close friends in church and to my friends in the office so that they can pray for me and help me to convince me not to do it.

I know exactly what to do and I do not want to do it. I have to die to this desire once and for all and walk my Christian life straight and there must be no turning back to my old life. My decision could either make me or break me.

As of this posting I am still extremely ambivalent! My God please change my heart and help me to choose YOU! My spirit is willing but my body is weak so help me God. I am literally crying inside and out to God and to my friends, knowing the truth that I have to give them up and choose Jesus. The emotions I am feeling right now is far more painful than what I felt when I found out that I am HIV positive.

May the grace of the Lord be upon me in the name of Jesus. Amen.

New Desire

2009-07-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Hello readers!

For the past few weeks I have been feeling this new desire in me. A desire to have a relationship with a woman and to get married!

I've got a crush on this beautiful girl in our church but every time I see and talk to her, the more my desire to be with her intensifies. If you're going to ask me, I like her to be my wife but if God has other girl for me I pray that she'll be like her or even better. This girl knows everything about me and we're very close friends now. Lord knows that I am satiated being a single and serving Him because of my health condition but if it His will for me to have a wife and a family then so be it God; but please prepare my heart and soul for this. This is totally unfamiliar to me.

I do not know God's reason why on earth the book "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris is in my hands and currently reading the 5th chapter. It's about courtship with a purpose that will eventually lead to a God-blessed marriage, like a match made in heaven. God knows I am not ready for this so I have decided to enjoy the book and learn from it. Also I will just enjoy my friendship with this girl pro tempore.

Totally healed from sexual brokenness is what I want when I get into a relationship with a woman but it does not seem the God's plan for me. I believe He will give me a partner who will help me in this healing process.

Honestly, I am a little scared but happy and excited! Could this be the time where God is gradually changing my heart? I hope this kind of feeling perpetuates. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ! Shalom!

15th Month

2009-06-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

Last June 20th marked the 15th month of my vow to Jesus to consecrate myself for Him.

For some people, what I am doing seems to be incredulous and peculiar but all I can say is that it is indeed really possible by God's grace alone. No one can celibate on his own, God's intervention is highly involved.

I must admit as well that I miss having sexual intimacy with a man I am physically attracted to and God knows that for I always tell it to Him and ask Him to turn these sinful desires into a fire burning for Jesus. It is very hard and I almost came to the point that I want to give in to temptations but thank God for His grace is sufficient.

Again I don't know until when I could do this for Jesus but I hope and pray until I get married simply because I don't want to grieve the Holy Spirit by committing this detestable act. Oh God but you know that I still have this desire for this certain man and I yield it to you for I do not want it.

Thank you God for all the blessings for I do believe I have a life God truly blesses. Shalom!

Faith Extender

2009-06-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

This is the title of the book I have just finished reading written by Dr. John F. Avanzini.

It is all about faith and thinking beyond what we can see on the real world. It is seeing by imagination what God really wants for us despite of the reality we are facing and then declaring it aloud as if we're very sure that what we have pronounced will going to happen. That is faith.

What struck me most is the faith of healing whether it is physical or emotional or sexual healing. 1 Peter 2:24 says that by Jesus Christ's wounds we have been healed. Also in Isaiah 53:5, it says by His wounds we are healed. We need to pronounce in a loud voice that we are healed from whatever sickness we have in this world including sexual brokenness.

So I say out loud that "I am healed and I am going to be the man that God has originally created me to be! I am going to be the real man of God!" Whoa! That feels great! I feel very positive.

Hebrews 11:1 says faith is the substance of the things we hoped for; the evidence of things we do not see.

Hence, I am going to practice the faith extender and I encourage you brothers and sisters to do the same. God bless you all.

Cebu Trip and COH in CDO 2

2009-06-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was in Cebu with my friends and officemates for a workshop which is part of my work as ARH Specialist.

I had a great time for I have learned a lot. Also I took the chance to see the Magellan's cross and the beauty of the city. Only after this the bulk of my work will now start but prior to getting myself very busy with that, together with the other COH facilitators, I was able to lead another "Channels of Hope" workshop to our field office staff in Cagayan De Oro City the week after that Cebu trip.

Again, guided by the Holy Spirit, participants were moved and blessed with my friend's and my testimony when we talked about the phases being gone through by people living with HIV. This makes the whole workshop different from the others for it really strike the hearts of the people aside from its holistic approach on this pandemic.

Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for incessantly using me in your Kingdom notwithstanding of my struggles and flaws in this Christian life I am trying to live out.

My Struggle

2009-06-12T21:00:00.000-07:00

For the past several weeks my struggle on sexual desire to guys I am attracted to kills me. Because of this, I did some foolish stuff that could really pull me back to my old gay habits.

Whenever I am passing through the malls, some times I can't help but to cruise and then flirt! I even came to the point of getting their numbers! I know this is wrong and I should not have done that on the first place. Sometimes I just talk to them just to get to know them a little bit so that my attraction will go away. Also one time I was riding in a bus and then this guy sat beside me then he let me touch his crotch! OMG! I know I should have controlled myself but I was too weak that time. I already asked God's forgiveness on these sinful acts and desires.

Lord knows that I have no intention of having sex with some of these guys but I do with the others whom I really attracted to. I am not giving in because if you can remember, I made a promise to God that I will never get myself into any sexual activity especially sexual intercourse! I promised already to Him that I will practice celibacy as long as I can through His grace. I must admit though that it's extremely difficult.

I don't really understand why I am still like this. I know it is blatantly wrong but I am still allowing myself instead of controlling it. My mind is screaming out loud that I don't want to have sex but my heart and flesh desires for it every time a handsome guy or some guy with a nice physique captures my attention.

I am still celibate up to now but I do not know until when for my self control is dwindling gradually. Please pray with me as I struggle to break free from this stupid flirting and cruising addiction. Thanks my dear brothers and sisters in Christ!

Hope For The Living

2009-05-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

This is the theme of AIDS candle lighting memorial ceremony held yesterday morning at H4.

It was my first time to attend such event after being diagnosed HIV positive for almost three years. There were 40-50 people who attended the small gathering sponsored by this particular NGO who has been a partner of H4 for the past several years in helping out the PLWHA.

The organizer who happens to be my doctor asked me to share my testimony because according to her it was a perfect fit for the theme. She asked me to highlight the hope I have seen in God when I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ in to my life and surrendered all of me to Him one year and five months ago. I was not sure if I am going to tell about my struggle with SSA but there were people like me in the audience that's why I opted to share it and how I am dealing it with.

People were blessed I have sensed and felt it even though there were only few people who approached me to confirm. I really thank God for what He's doing in my life, it's not that easy with my struggle but I believe and I have faith that God will sustain and strengthen me to win this race and be victorious till the end.

I am giving back all the honor and glory to our God Almighty and Lord Jesus Christ!

Holiness Training

2009-05-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Hello readers!

I attended the second phase of the Nazarite training which is about holiness last week from Wednesday to Friday at Teacher's camp in Baguio City.

It was a wonderful experience for I was able to share my testimony to the small group first then to the whole group to give encouragement to the young generation. I can't remember all the things I have said, that is how the Holy Spirit works according to them.

As far as I can remember, I was so moved, touched and hurt by the struggle shared by a couple of delegates and it's more than enough to stand and speak in front of everybody to declare that Jesus can truly heal each and every one of us no matter how disastrous our lives has been! God is absolutely in the business of changing people's lives.

I declared that our generation must not allow the enemy to steal, kill and destroy us but strive harder and continue journeying with the Lord if we want a change of our nation for the better in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have built new friendships and so thankful to God for this great experience. Though I must admit that on the first night alone, I want to go home for I know that the Lord will require me a lot for this training and I was right. God told me that I need to get serious with my Christian walk and must let go of the things I need to let go which are not helpful in my recovery and do the things I need to do to have a clear conscience in order for me to hear His voice very clearly.

I know it's not that easy but I believe that God's grace is good enough for me to accomplish this. God bless to you all!

The Job

2009-05-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hello brothers and sisters in Christ!

Do you remember when I posted here about the discrimination incident happened to me when I applied for a certain position related to HIV & AIDS on this Christian non-government organization? Well, they offered me a job and I started last Monday. I am holding a position which has something to do with adolescent reproductive health.

My friends told me that I was vindicated and the justice has been finally served. There's a truth in it partially but I do not want to look it that way. I just want to be thankful to God for this blessing that at least now I have a work for the next 6 months. I believe that somehow this is just a start of God's promise to me last January, when I was prophesied to speak the truth in love to young generation for I understand what they are going through.

My first week was quite alright and still in the adjustment mode of working again for 5 days a week and entails traveling. I pray that the Lord pour out on me his wisdom, knowledge and physical strength to carry out the tasks of this position. Thank you Jesus and God bless you all.

The 12 Step

2009-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

I am glad and so blessed that Courage Philippines featured my story last week on their blog site praise God. I pray that many people will be aware and inspired by it as they read my story and eventually my blog and then learn something.

Here's the link, please copy and paste it on your browser if you cannot click it. http://www.couragephilippines.blogspot.com/

You might be wondering how on earth I can control myself not to masturbate and get into a casual sex for more than a year now. I have decided not to masturbate because it will be fueled by lustful thoughts then I will commit sin; same thing with sex for it is more of a sin. I must admit though that the desire is still there and sometimes the temptation to get into it is so strong especially when I caught my self unaware (or sometimes aware) exposed to something that fuels that desire.

The secret is the 12 Step, first step is to admit our powerlessness over something we are addicted to which hinders our growth in relationship with God such as alcoholism or any form of sexual addictions. Second is, believing in a greater power of God and then turning our life to Him. It means total submission to Lord Jesus Christ and obedience.

For the rest of the 12 steps and more information please copy and paste this link to your browser. http://12-step-review.org/

This is the program of recovery I have been following and striving hard to do as I struggle to break free of my idols of addictions. If you can recall, this was mentioned and followed in "This Way Out" by Frank Worthen which I also discussed here last year every chapter.

Again I do not know until when I can be celibate and consecrate myself for Jesus, only God knows and only by His grace.

COH Butuan

2009-04-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I just came back from my trip to Butuan City, Agusan Del Norte last Saturday. My fellow facilitators and speakers and I stayed there for three and a half days for a two days workshop on HIV and AIDS program of this NGO I am volunteering for called "Channels of Hope".

COH is essentially a program that aims to mobilize churches and faith communities to lessen the stigma and discrimination associated to this pandemic. We had 39 participants and 21 of them are Pastors and priests while the others are from DOH, city health office and the NGO's local partner.

This time I lead the facilitation without the program owner and thank God for the workshop went really well. He's truly in control! All the participants were so blessed with my testimony and with my faith in God. Based on their evaluation, it was truly a success!

I am giving back all the honor and glory to our God Almighty. Thank you for the anointing and for the grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for it is all for the glory of your kingdom.

By the way, for some of you who missed the SNBO last April 12 please click the link below. God bless you all!

http://www.gmanews.tv/video/39736/SNBO-Think-Positive

Tha Shack

2009-04-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

Hello readers! I pray you are in good condition, happy or not, when you come across and read my blog.

I just finished reading this book by William P. Young and I am so thrilled and very happy about this true to life story of Mackenzie Allen Philips! Of course I won't tell you what this was all about but what I have learned and struck me most instead about Jesus.

Every human's purpose in this world is to be in a relationship with God intimately in love. Elousia or Papa as God called himself in this novel does not want a piece of our life or time. Even if we give the biggest piece of us, it's not what He wants. God wants all of us, every part of us everyday.

Jesus does not want to be the first among a list of our values. He wants to be at the center of everything in our life. He wants us to fully rest and dependent on Him in total submission. In doing that, it will give us the real freedom because in Jesus we are not under any law for all things are lawful.

God's loves us just as we are no matter what is your condition emotionally or spiritually. We cannot do nor make any promises in exchange of anything from Him for He knows every minute part of us especially the ones in our hearts. God work around in the choices we made that's why it is imperative that we listen and follow his directions and instructions and not our own will. God truly loves us no matter what period!

I highly recommend you to grab a copy and read it so that you will understand who God is or who Jesus is. If you're in a mess right now, then this book is for you.

Youth Camp

2009-04-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I had a trip to Sariaya, Quezon to attend the last day of the youth camp of our church. The couple youth leader invited me to be a speaker under the topic of Purity.

I started my session with HIV and AIDS information then I followed it with my testimony. I have seen a couple of ladies crying but most of them were a bit shocked. Then last Sunday, the parents of these young men and women came up to me and told me that their children were all very blessed with my life story especially on how God is continuously changing and transforming me to the man He created me to be.

A friend of mine whom I have invited to the camp had his breakthrough and finally accepted the Lord Jesus Christ! He is also HIV positive with SSA struggle and truly inspired by how I am living my life in a godly way.

God is truly a living God! I praise Him and give thanks to Him for these wonderful recent events and for all the things He has done into my life. You are the best Lord Jesus Christ!

Self Empowerment Training

2009-04-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

Hello brothers and sisters in Christ!

Last Friday, my co-COH facilitators and I conducted a one day seminar on HIV & AIDS for this particular group of Christian churches in Manila. It was indeed truly a success for the participants were blessed and touched by true stories! I hope and pray this is a good start for big churches to be involved in this pandemic.

The following day, together with other PLWH, I attended the Self Empowerment Training sponsored by global fund and organized by PAFPI and Pinoy Plus Association. I learned a lot from the seminar so it was a blessing. I still believe though that the only one who can truly empower us in this kind of ordeal is Lord Jesus Christ. Also I was able to minister to two of my friends there and shared them the gospel as well as on how God is changing my life gradually.

What a great experience! Thank you God for everything in life is a blessing!

COH Ozamis

2009-03-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

The other two COH facilitator and me went to Ozamiz City, Misamis Occidental to conduct the three day HIV & AIDS workshop last March 16.

There were 32 participants who were blessed with my testimony and at the same time empowered by loads of information we have presented to them. Three of them congratulated me personally for the courage I have shown by telling them my life story. Real life stories can truly made an impact that went straight to the heart of the people in seminars like this.

I thank the Lord for using me for this purpose for almost a year now. I give back all the honor and glory to our Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, God is in the business of changing lives and I am a living testimony to that.

This week, I will be conducting a one day workshop with the other two facilitators to this huge Christian church.

One Year Celibacy

2009-03-20T21:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the first year since I made the celibacy vow to the Lord, I have promised to consecrate myself for God few months after I became a Christian.

In my own definition of celibacy being a single man of God, I have decided to abstain from any sexual activity such as masturbation, phone sex, and sexual intercourse whether anal or oral sex.

Wikipedia defined it as a state of being intentionally unmarried and abstaining from sexual intercourse. It is the promise to refrain from all sexual activities including lustful thoughts for the purpose of spiritual advancement.

I must admit it is by God's grace and not by my own strength. Honestly, there were two or three times that I almost did it but it never actually happened because I do not want to. My flesh said yes but my mind said no and I have to stop it for God made a way out, it's really hard but with prayers and prayers of others and Words of God I guess it is possible. The most difficult is the lustful thoughts and Lord knows I am trying very hard working on it. Like I said before, I do not know until when I could continue doing this and only God knows. Thank you God for the grace!

Lord knows my secret desires so I pray that He will be patient with me as I struggle to break free from all of these evil desires.

First Anniversary

2009-03-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

Last March 4 marked the first year of this blog. I still can't believe that I have been doing this for more than a year now and there were few people who have been blessed when they read this.

Anyway, last Saturday I have spoken about my testimony before the graduating high school class of the academy of our church. This is in preparation for them to college. It's like making them aware what is the world look like outside the Christian school, an environment they are so used to. The message of my talk was encouraging them to deal or face the issues they have right now and not to wait for something bad to happen to them before they address it. My pastor and our youth leader told me that they have been so blessed and a lot of questions were raised at the end of the day. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ!

On the evening of that day, I attended for the first time the ALPHA for PLWH at my doctor's house and I was blessed to see my friends who are so interested in searching for God. I told them how the Lord is changing me ever since I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I am glad that they were all blessed and amazed on how my life has changed so far praise God! That was the feedback I got from my doctor.

What a way of living this life thank God!

My 32nd Birthday

2009-03-04T18:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday and it has full of surprises! God is so good!

First, my good friend who happens to be my Christian doctor paid me a surprise visit and stayed at our house till 4PM. She conspired with my parents not to tell me about the small party they have been up to. There's pasta, cake and ice cream!

Second, an LBC messenger brought my gift from my foster mother in Palawan! The gifts are three nice books, now I have so many to read. I am so elated that I gave her a call to thank her.

Lastly, my Pastor and his wife, my good old friends from my first job gave me a phone call just to greet me while others sent their greetings via SMS and I have received a lot.

It was indeed a wonderful and happy birthday celebration. I thank God for all the blessings I have received from Him and for everything He did into my life. I am so happy! It could be one of the happiest birthdays I ever had praise the Lord!