While I'm Waiting

If you have seen the movie "Fireproof", which was recently shown in HBO Asia for a week, you'll be familiar with this song. I fell in love with it the first time I heard and listened to it. I was and still deeply moved by its message.

Currently where I am right now, I sing this song to myself while waiting for some of the God's promises in my life. Waiting is not easy. Time like this is probably one of the favorite times of enemy to work on especially when you're idle and bored but have to be still and trust God. You will understand more if you read my previous blog prior to this one.

By the way, I was able to spend time with my pastor who also happens to be my covering and accountability in the church. We had a great time and God gave me the grace to be brutally honest with him with all I've been through since the last time we talked. Although we did not have the regular Saturday meeting at Bagong Pag-asa, my two friends and I were able to hang out together and had good fellowship.

I believe this period of waiting for this job is God's answer when I prayed about increasing my faith in Him. It seems like He wanted me to wait and hang on for a little while and have faith in Him. Well I am enjoying my time relaxing (perhaps nearly all forms of it which I really enjoy and like) at home with my family and spending more time with God so it is actually a blessing.

As for my health, I am very well except for this slight back pain on the right side. I have time to do my routine work out every morning and will try to increase the crunches I make to have those six pack abs again which I used to have. With undetected viral load and high CD4 count, I do not have to visit my doctor that often. God is good!

After writing "The Adversity of Waiting" previously, I realized that there's also a good side of it; only if you utilize it with things that are pleasing to God, to others and to yourself. My friends says that I have to enjoy a period like this for God is preparing me for a huge work that I will find little time doing these activities I am presently doing.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. Psalms 34:8

http://vimeo.com/3768562 or http://www.myspace.com/johnwaller or



Above is the URL for the video of this song and the video in case you want to see it. God bless to all! Shalom!

Fly Like A Bird

Since Saturday I've been sick and feeling kind of sad. I had fever last weekend but now it's gone. My doctor asked me to do the CBC lab test yesterday and the result was a bit off from normal. She asked me to do it again today and the result has a very little improvement, some of the parameters were ok while the others were not. Though the important parameters were within normal limits such as hemoglobin, I look pale and feel weak probably because of some irregularities in the result. I need to get plenty of rest.

Normally after Sunday church service, I am spiritually uplifted and strong but last Sunday was different. The answer to my prayer for a job has not come yet and I am running out of money. Yesterday my sister has confirmed that she's pregnant without the father planning to marry her for a stupid reason that he's not the first guy who had sex with her! I told my sister that, that stupid moron does not love her coz if he does her past should not be an issue. That is a fact that my poor sister can't seem to understand. I don't want to think that she's stupid or crazy but she knew from the start all of this and yet she got herself pregnant by that stupid guy! I have prayed this to God even before but perhaps God has other plan and now, we don't know how are we going to deal this stupidity in time. Currently, I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually weak and drained. Last night, I cried for all of these to God and begged Him to talk to me while I was talking to my good friend doctor on the phone. She even prayed for me and reminded me that I need to take care myself and not think too much stressing myself.

"Lord I know you are well aware of everything about me and all of these sufferings and it's ok; coz I have you and you're with me. Please give me enough strength and wisdom on how to face all of these. May you oh Lord show me the right direction to take and please forgive me if I was disheartened by your silence even though you already informed me two Sundays ago that I am in my own "three days" and I have to wait. This is a test of my faith to you oh God and I am very sorry if I am becoming impatient. Please heal me from my sickness for you are a God of healing. I am lifting up to you my Lord all of my needs and all of me, in Jesus name I prayed. Amen."

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Trust Him. Somehow I know that there's a place up above with no more hurt and struggling, free of all atrocities and suffering. Because I feel the unconditional love from one who cares enough for me. To erase all my burdens and let me be free to fly like a bird, take to the sky. I need you now Lord, carry me high. Don't let the world break me tonight I need the strength of you by my side. Sometimes this life can be so cold, I pray you'll come and carry me home. He said, "He will never forsake you or leave you alone." Trust Him. I need you right here right now, Lord. I need you right here by my side. Keep your head up to the sky, with God's love you'll survive. Carry me higher Jesus.

Who Am I?

This is actually a title of a Christian song sung by Casting Crowns. When my good friend J, whom I've met during the Channels of Hope training, asked me this question today and of course he said "who are you?" I can't find the right answer. We spend the whole afternoon together at the mall in Mandaluyong after the Sunday church service. I was telling him about what I've been through the past three days that I feel like I am having a shabby walk as a Christian and how I have contemplated the idea of going back to my old self. It's like I am living a double life, well, that's what I thought but today God has spoken to me thru J and our church Pastor.

Yes I must admit that at this point of my life, I can say that my trust to God is not whole and He knows that and I am well aware that it should not be the case for I have entrusted my life to Him. I still have the tendency to take control over things in my life. Since I have wanted to obey God to show that I love Him, I keep on waiting and I always pray that He'll wait for me too to make that trust full. All these confusions in my mind were enlightened by God today that's why I am so thankful and happy.

The preach was about Saul and the three days in the history of the world in which the famous is the death of Jesus Christ and when He lived on the third day. All of us will experience or currently experiencing our own three days in our life. This is the waiting period from where we asked something from God until the time He fulfilled it. It could be three days or three months or three hours or even three years or most of the time, longer than that. In this period where our faith is being test by God, is the time when He is preparing us for something before He finally gave what we asked for. He's teaching us to be patient during this time. God wants us to be ready to accept what we actually prayed for. During this period, God wants us to give Him time for He can do a lot in three days. Our prayers will be answered directly or indirectly in His time; it could be exactly what we prayed for or it could be a direction the path He wants us to take. All we need to do is to give Him time and be patient.

Another thing is we need to pray for a change. Most of the time, we think we are actually praying but the truth is we're actually complaining about our situation. We should pray that God would change our situation instead of being crabby. We must discern the reason why God is delaying or allowing other things to happen instead of giving exactly what we prayed for.

Finally, God is teaching us to be humble. Humility is a virtue that every people should carry. We need to be honest with God when we pray that we can't do it anymore and we need His help. Remember that God wants us to be fully dependent on Him. Unless we have learned what God really wants to teach, He will keep delaying the answer to our prayers.

When I have become a Christian and decided to leave homosexuality behind, I always pray every night that God will stop my sexual desire on attractive men and He will keep them away from me. Also, I always pray that He will immediately change my views on men coz I don't know until when I can do this celibacy. I don't want to commit mistake again but the temptation is everywhere and my prayers remain unanswered. I keep praying that He will continue to work in my life for I have given all of me to Him and use me according to His purpose of my life in this world. It includes the job and ministry that I have asked for, though something is happening but for me it's taking too long. All these issues were answered today praise the Lord!

My friend J do not use the term homosexual or gay to someone who has left it and became a Christian. He said that when a person was born again spiritually and became a Christian, the old person has died and the new one is trying to emerge. I think I have mentioned this in my first few postings but somehow it slipped off my mind. So when he asked me the question "who are you?'" as a person in terms of sexuality, here's the right answer.

I am a man and a Christian with a struggle in same-sex attraction; presently on my three days learning humility and discerning God's direction for my life. Actually, I answered J first that in scale of 1-10 and 10 being the real man and 1 as gay I said I am in 2.5 or 3. My reason was that I can still feel same sex attraction and lust though I can turn my back away from them to avoid sex but it's really a struggle, then I said I am still gay. Then he made me realize that now I am an ex-gay, that's the reason why I don't use this term on my postings here regarding homosexuality. If the person chooses to leave the gay lifestyle and decided to walk in light with the Lord, that person is identified as an ex-gay and a Christian man struggling with same sex attraction. That's me, my true identity.

Who are you?