That's the title of the book written by Joy and Ray Thomas, it's about HIV/AIDS and the best defense of mankind against it which is Kingdom Living.
Before I tell you about how's my spiritual battle going on, which is to return my distorted sexuality to its original state as created by God, let me discuss to you my thoughts and the knowledge I have acquired from this book as well as the current situation of HIV/AIDS in the Philippines and a little on the global perspective.
Everyone is at risk most especially if there's lack of knowledge about HIV. This disease is considered to be sexually transmitted because more often than not, you can get it through sexual intercourse which is the most common mode of transmission. Blood to blood contact through transfusion or sharing of contaminated needles is also one way how a person can be infected. Another is the mother to child transfer of virus either in the womb, at childbirth or through breastfeeding. In my case, it was through sexual intercourse, having a promiscuous lifestyle and multiple partners. In some countries including the Philippines HIV has been mainly in the homosexual population, but worldwide, it is overwhelmingly a heterosexual disease.
The reality about HIV/AIDS that everyone should be aware of is that at the moment there is no cure for it and it is lethal. Though there is an anti retro-viral therapy available which gives the patients more years of active life, still it's not a cure. The other reality to be faced is that HIV does lead on into AIDS. The occasional patient who has not yet developed full-blown AIDS like me and most of the found cases right now is very much the exception not the rule. The fact is that if you are HIV positive you will at some stage die with AIDS. However, it is also true that if we will change our sexual behaviour, whether you're gay or straight, then AIDS can be stopped!
When a person is infected with the HIV virus, the body begins to produce the antibodies that are specific for that virus alone. However, it takes up to three months before there are enough specific anti bodies in the blood stream to show up in HIV tests. The time between the times of infection until such time that the blood will be positive for antibodies is called the window period. The time that we test for HIV antibodies is when this period is over. It was not applicable to my case because its part of the whole medical exam for my visa application but the result was positive already. So before I started taking ARV treatment 8 months after that, I got myself tested again to ensure that I am really positive because ARV has serious side effects and some of them are fatal that's why it has a trial period of 2 weeks and must be observed up to 18 months.
Normal reactions to a positive HIV are fear, anger, and guilt. There is also an issue of stigma and confidentiality. Fear can be of illness itself, fear of death, or even fear that a previously hidden sexual relationship may now be made known. There is also fear of loss, of health, job and earnings, home or family, relationship, future, and of death. All of these occurred to me before, especially when I lost my future that is the greener pasture in Australia. Now, I have overcome all of these fears somehow through Jesus Christ. Anger will come also, it could be anger to that person who infected you for the reason that it could be he or she knew already and he did not inform you. It could be anger to oneself for being unwary and irresponsible. I thought about it for a brief moment but in the end it was still me to blame, whether I was deliberately infected or not did not matter at all, besides I will never know and I should be responsible to the consequences of my actions. There is also guilt, in my case because of my promiscuity my family suffers emotionally and perhaps later financially coz we're not wealthy. Thank God for He had given me a very understanding and supportive family and not anyone could have that. The issue of stigma and confidentiality is also present. Due to lack of knowledge and correct information on HIV, people tend to reject those who are infected and this happens most of the time. That's why most patients keep it to themselves and hide it. This could be avoided only if the general level of education about HIV/AIDS was higher. This is also the reason why confidentiality is required to hospitals and to us, there's actually a law governing confidentiality on this matter and anyone who violates it commits a crime and is punishable by that law.
Counseling is imperative to HIV/AIDS patients. There should be pre-test counseling and it is necessary to explore the reason for the test and explain its implications. Knowledge on the disease can be checked as well as to what the test is through this. The reason for testing should be identified; the implications of the result and the medical care and social support available should be discussed also during the pre-test counseling. A post test counseling must take place as well especially if the result is positive, so medical appointments can be arranged, immediate concerns can be identified such as dealing with it and who they turn to for support, to whom and what the patient might tell, how to maintain a healthy lifestyle and not infecting others, questions must be encouraged, reactions of shock, disbelief, and anger must be reassured that they are very common, and most importantly is the follow-up. None of these took place in my experience coz the test was required, but it should be followed especially after the result. Receiving a positive HIV test result is like receiving a death sentence, however, far in the future that death may be. That's why availability of counseling is really important to avoid possible suicide attempt of the patient. I must confess that I thought about it several times, thinking on how am I gonna do it. Good thing that I have a friend who referred me to a social support that eventually lead me to my current Christian doctor and hospital who provides everything to me. So I was saved, and honestly I don't think I can do it actually.
According to Joy and Ray Thomas, HIV can be stopped and all these issues and problems can be avoided. Their solution has not been explored yet in my opinion because a lot of patients I knew still continue to engage in casual sex using condom but that is not the solution. Using a condom does not protect anyone coz it might break and the fluid from the body might leak putting the person in a perilous condition. So how can it be stopped? Through change in sexual behavior is an option but God's answer is Kingdom Living.
I'll talk about it on my next post.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Who Is Jesus?
I have just received an email with that title and here's the content of that letter.
Who is Jesus?
HE IS JESUS
WHO IS HE?
IN CHEMISTRY, HE TURNED WATER TO WINE.
IN BIOLOGY, HE WAS BORN WITHOUT THE NORMAL CONCEPTION;
IN PHYSICS, HE DISAPPROVED THE LAW OF GRAVITY WHEN HE ASCENDED INTO HEAVEN;
IN ECONOMICS, HE DISAPPROVED THE LAW OF DIMINISHING RETURN BY FEEDING 5000 MEN WITH
TWO FISHES & 5 LOAVES OF BREAD;
IN
MEDICINE, HE CURED THE SICK AND THE BLIND WITHOUT ADMINISTERING A SINGLE DOSE OF DRUGS,
IN HISTORY, HE IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END;
IN GOVERNMENT, HE SAID THAT HE SHALL BE CALLED WONDERFUL COUNSELOR, PRINCE OF PEACE;
IN RELIGION, HE SAID NO ONE COMES TO THE FATHER EXCEPT THROUGH
HIM;
SO. WHO IS HE?
HE IS JESUS!
JOIN ME AND LET'S CELEBRATE HIM; HE IS WORTHY.
THE EYES BEHOLDING THIS MESSAGE SHALL NOT BEHOLD EVIL, THE HAND THAT WILL SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYBODY SHALL NOT LABOR IN VAIN, AND THE MOUTH SAYING AMEN TO THIS PRAYER SHALL SMILE FOREVER. REMAIN IN GOD AND SEEK HIS FACE ALWAYS. AMEN
IN GOD I'VE FOUND EVERYTHING!
The Greatest Man in History:
Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.
I feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us! If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son .. send this to all on your buddy list . if not just ignore it. If you ignore it, just remember that Jesus said ...
"If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven.
Changes That Occured To Me
A lot of changes happened to me when I became a Christian; it was not abrupt in a way but gradual. My Christian doctor invited me to attend the 10 Wednesday Alpha Course to be held at their church. You can take a look at my previous blogs entitled Alpha Course and My 31st Birthday for detailed information. At first I was hesitant because even though I have surrendered my life to the Lord and accepted Him into my heart as my personal Savior, I thought it's somewhat hard for me to make 180 degrees turn suddenly. Imagine this, I was so used in taking control of my self and now, all of a sudden I have to end that self-rule and be totally dependent to someone I have not seen and sometimes can't even feel! But then I realized, well I have nothing to loose anymore and I guess the worst already happened to me so why not give it a good shot. After all, He created me.
First and foremost, I feel so free right now. I don't feel like perturbing anymore about my future, my career, especially my love life. Currently, I do not have a job or any financial resources but God has proven to me that He provides when there's a need. The Alpha Course entailed me to go to Manila for 12 consecutive Wednesdays, and it cost me more than I have set aside. The Lord worked on it through a Christian friend, he's like a spiritual father to me, who have shouldered some of my expenditures for more than half of the entire session. Now I still have a budget for the next few Sunday services too! God is really good.
Secondly, I began to love reading the Bible and I am guided by "Our Daily Bread". I have become hungry of God's words that I actually spend at least 10-15 minutes a day doing it. What's really amazing is that this time I understand it more than ever unlike before.
Next, my way of talking to God has changed. I learned now how to pray in a Godly manner. I call it "together time" with the Lord where I exalt Him, give thanks especially for my salvation and the free gift of eternal life, confess all my sins and ask forgiveness, ask God to take control of my entire life and surrender my heart, and humbly ask Him to reveal Himself and plans to me, consult the decisions I am about to make, and prayers for other people. It feels good talking to our God freely!
The crowd I want to associate myself with now has also changed. Every minute being with my fellow Christians is truly a blessing! It's not that I don't want to be with non-Christian people, but it's more of a putting myself in a situation with people with less temptations. It's like being in a less or none perilous situation. Sadly, temporarily leaving other friends, whom I think would not help to make this whole life change possible and hopefully permanent must be done, like my gay friends. Actually, I have changed my celfone number coz in a way it's a part of the new me.
Prior to my Christian life, I love reading self help books or anything that really interest me. Now, I am fascinated with the books written by Christians. It's really fun learning from other people's experiences. They are inspiring enough to convince myself that entrusting fully my life and having a personal relationship with God is the right and best thing to do more than anything else.
My Sundays are never the same again. Every time I do the church service, I can strongly feel God's presence most especially during the worship. The words shared by the pastors in our congregation are very inspiring and truly applicable to my daily walk with Jesus Christ.
Frankly speaking, I cannot say that my faith to God and to myself is 100 percent because sometimes I worry about on few things inevitably especially when the need is just right there. But I can say that my faith has tremendously increased that I have become more eager to know God in anyway possibly I can. Well I am aware that as a Christian, a 101 percent faith to God and self is a must but I guess it should be developed and cannot be done in an instant in my case. I will get used to it I know.
Lastly and the most important change for me, my self control when it comes to temptations has increased remarkably. As a physically attractive homosexual guy myself, it's really hard to resist most especially if they are just right in front of me and find them attractive as well and aware that they are interested to hook up with me.
Galatians 5:16. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will nor gratify the desires of sinful nature.
James 4:7-9. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Leviticus 20:13. If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.
These are some of God's word that I always remember whenever I am facing a temptation. Also it says in 1 Corinthians 6:9 that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God including the homosexual offenders along with other kind of sinners. Like I said, this is and will be my hardest spiritual battle as a Christian. I have fell short and tempted already more than twice as a Christian and the guilt feeling was far worse than before. That's why I also keep this kind of feeling to my mind when I am in a tempting situation or every time a sinful desire occurs to me mentally or physically. Mind is the hardest to control coz more often than not; I caught myself thinking sinfully and unaware. When I think about this awful feeling, as well as these bible verses, now I can simply walk away from gratifying my sinful desires. The Holy Spirit must be really dwelling in me. I may not be always victorious because still I am a human, but now I need to be more and more responsible for my actions. My spiritual counselors and advisers keep saying to me that when I fell short or were not able to fight a certain temptation and gave in, just come back to God and repent. Of course, I do not want to abuse God's love that's why I need to be on guard all the time. Besides, I just can't remember where, but I read that albeit God's unconditional love took that risk of forgiving us and not forsaking us every time we sincerely comes back to Him; it has a certain limitation and the punishment is severe. What I am saying is that though God always forgives us when we stumble, it does not waive the penalty that our actions have brought upon us. He doesn't want us to be offenders.
My first two months as a Christian was a bit different compared to the last one and a half month of it, and it was due to the Holy Spirit receiving week session happened on the 25th of February. Now, as the days goes by these positive changes is becoming a little bit more intense and I am so happy about it. Of course, some times I still worry about things but now I just pray and talk to God then I will be alright.
I am not saying that I am already the person that I should be but definitely I am not the person that I used to be. It's an everyday work for me to be that person.
When I think of what the Lord has for me in the future, I am excited! I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I do know who holds my future! These are great times to be alive for Jesus! I have never known what was waiting around the next corner.
We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
First and foremost, I feel so free right now. I don't feel like perturbing anymore about my future, my career, especially my love life. Currently, I do not have a job or any financial resources but God has proven to me that He provides when there's a need. The Alpha Course entailed me to go to Manila for 12 consecutive Wednesdays, and it cost me more than I have set aside. The Lord worked on it through a Christian friend, he's like a spiritual father to me, who have shouldered some of my expenditures for more than half of the entire session. Now I still have a budget for the next few Sunday services too! God is really good.
Secondly, I began to love reading the Bible and I am guided by "Our Daily Bread". I have become hungry of God's words that I actually spend at least 10-15 minutes a day doing it. What's really amazing is that this time I understand it more than ever unlike before.
Next, my way of talking to God has changed. I learned now how to pray in a Godly manner. I call it "together time" with the Lord where I exalt Him, give thanks especially for my salvation and the free gift of eternal life, confess all my sins and ask forgiveness, ask God to take control of my entire life and surrender my heart, and humbly ask Him to reveal Himself and plans to me, consult the decisions I am about to make, and prayers for other people. It feels good talking to our God freely!
The crowd I want to associate myself with now has also changed. Every minute being with my fellow Christians is truly a blessing! It's not that I don't want to be with non-Christian people, but it's more of a putting myself in a situation with people with less temptations. It's like being in a less or none perilous situation. Sadly, temporarily leaving other friends, whom I think would not help to make this whole life change possible and hopefully permanent must be done, like my gay friends. Actually, I have changed my celfone number coz in a way it's a part of the new me.
Prior to my Christian life, I love reading self help books or anything that really interest me. Now, I am fascinated with the books written by Christians. It's really fun learning from other people's experiences. They are inspiring enough to convince myself that entrusting fully my life and having a personal relationship with God is the right and best thing to do more than anything else.
My Sundays are never the same again. Every time I do the church service, I can strongly feel God's presence most especially during the worship. The words shared by the pastors in our congregation are very inspiring and truly applicable to my daily walk with Jesus Christ.
Frankly speaking, I cannot say that my faith to God and to myself is 100 percent because sometimes I worry about on few things inevitably especially when the need is just right there. But I can say that my faith has tremendously increased that I have become more eager to know God in anyway possibly I can. Well I am aware that as a Christian, a 101 percent faith to God and self is a must but I guess it should be developed and cannot be done in an instant in my case. I will get used to it I know.
Lastly and the most important change for me, my self control when it comes to temptations has increased remarkably. As a physically attractive homosexual guy myself, it's really hard to resist most especially if they are just right in front of me and find them attractive as well and aware that they are interested to hook up with me.
Galatians 5:16. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will nor gratify the desires of sinful nature.
James 4:7-9. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Leviticus 20:13. If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.
These are some of God's word that I always remember whenever I am facing a temptation. Also it says in 1 Corinthians 6:9 that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God including the homosexual offenders along with other kind of sinners. Like I said, this is and will be my hardest spiritual battle as a Christian. I have fell short and tempted already more than twice as a Christian and the guilt feeling was far worse than before. That's why I also keep this kind of feeling to my mind when I am in a tempting situation or every time a sinful desire occurs to me mentally or physically. Mind is the hardest to control coz more often than not; I caught myself thinking sinfully and unaware. When I think about this awful feeling, as well as these bible verses, now I can simply walk away from gratifying my sinful desires. The Holy Spirit must be really dwelling in me. I may not be always victorious because still I am a human, but now I need to be more and more responsible for my actions. My spiritual counselors and advisers keep saying to me that when I fell short or were not able to fight a certain temptation and gave in, just come back to God and repent. Of course, I do not want to abuse God's love that's why I need to be on guard all the time. Besides, I just can't remember where, but I read that albeit God's unconditional love took that risk of forgiving us and not forsaking us every time we sincerely comes back to Him; it has a certain limitation and the punishment is severe. What I am saying is that though God always forgives us when we stumble, it does not waive the penalty that our actions have brought upon us. He doesn't want us to be offenders.
My first two months as a Christian was a bit different compared to the last one and a half month of it, and it was due to the Holy Spirit receiving week session happened on the 25th of February. Now, as the days goes by these positive changes is becoming a little bit more intense and I am so happy about it. Of course, some times I still worry about things but now I just pray and talk to God then I will be alright.
I am not saying that I am already the person that I should be but definitely I am not the person that I used to be. It's an everyday work for me to be that person.
When I think of what the Lord has for me in the future, I am excited! I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I do know who holds my future! These are great times to be alive for Jesus! I have never known what was waiting around the next corner.
We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Realization and Learnings
For the past 10 years of my life, I realized that though I believed in God I was so self-dependent and very comfortable taking control of my life. Like I said, I will never ask for any help from anyone unless it is really necessary. I did not even ask God or consult Him if what I was doing was right and look what happened! A total disaster! A failure! I thought that the pursuit of more possessions like a condo unit, investments, car, money, and other material things will somehow make me happy and successful. This was what I have been trying to accomplish for the past years.
Now I have learned from Luke 12:15. A man's life does not consist of his possessions.
Before I thought these failures was my fate because I used to believe that we can't change what will happen to us during or lives. If it's destined to happen, definitely it will happen no matter what we do.
Hebrews 9:27-28. Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and He will appear the second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him.
Now I have learned that God controlled all things, not fate, and our lives were determined by Him and by the choices we make to obey or disobey His word. God has allowed these things to happen to me not to harm me but to teach me a lesson. It took me these failures to end my self-rule and to make this failure to be the launching pad to a new overcoming life. A life that is totally dependent on Him.
A truly Christ-centered life!
Now I have learned from Luke 12:15. A man's life does not consist of his possessions.
Before I thought these failures was my fate because I used to believe that we can't change what will happen to us during or lives. If it's destined to happen, definitely it will happen no matter what we do.
Hebrews 9:27-28. Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and He will appear the second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him.
Now I have learned that God controlled all things, not fate, and our lives were determined by Him and by the choices we make to obey or disobey His word. God has allowed these things to happen to me not to harm me but to teach me a lesson. It took me these failures to end my self-rule and to make this failure to be the launching pad to a new overcoming life. A life that is totally dependent on Him.
A truly Christ-centered life!
My Journey To Jesus Christ 2nd Part
It was 2005 when I first submitted my whole life to God and started reading the bible with the gospel of John. After that series of unfortunate events occurred and can't even find a job which is good as my first, I returned to my family and did almost nothing for a year. During this time when I tried to recall everything I've been through while waiting for the elusive result of my visa application. I have finished the whole John gospel and have felt that I want to change; it's just that I did not know how.
Ever since I was a kid, I believed in God. John 14:12-14 says, I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
I took this words literally, so my prayers to Him every night were consist of giving thanks, asking forgiveness, asking for what I want in my life like for instance; the fast and positive result of my visa application, and asking God to take care of me and every aspect of my life. I became so close to Him. Around this time when my homosexual activity toned down more than a little but what I forgot was I did not addressed it to the Lord. From the start, even though I have not read it from the bible yet just from heresy, I have no idea why I have this feeling that having sex with a man or men if you're a guy is simply not just right. It explains why I have a sudden feel of guilt every after encounter. Yes like I have said it was toned down but never stops. Still I have continued to search and look for men that will satisfy my sexual need until I got employed to this call center in early 2006. It was not as frequent as before because I have worked on a graveyard shift, and I know that deep down inside of me I really have wanted to cease. Actually, I thought my prayers were answered when the Australian Embassy asked me to complete my medical exam via mail that's why I have decide to get a job while waiting. Only to lead me to another predicament, this in turn will change my entire life and eventually lead me to Lord Jesus Christ.
Late 2007 when my visit to my Christian doctor became frequent and every time she asked me how I am doing, always I retorted I want to make something good out of my condition. I told her that I believed God has a reason and has a different plan for me why He did not allow my plans to succeed and let this tragic thing happened to me. I have started to look at the brighter side because that's the best thing that I can do in my present situation. I began to ask not only myself but her as well as to what is the purpose of my life, why am I here if God will only hurt me by not giving me all that I have wanted even though He witnessed that I worked so hard for all of it. Then my Christian doctor told me that I am a candidate to be a born again Christian. She told me that the Lord wants me to completely surrender my life to Him and leave the kind of life I used to have and I have dreamed of. She prayed over me and instructed to ask forgiveness with all my heart from God, and to accept Jesus Christ to be my personal Lord and Savior, while weeping. I was very emotional that time that I cried for like half an hour coz I have felt I have nowhere left to go but only to Him. It was December 2007.
She gave me a book as an early Christmas present written by Anne Graham-Lotz entitled Just Give Me Jesus, after I have finished, it was then I have truly understand all the sufferings on the cross by our Lord Jesus Christ. He did it for mankind's salvation. He wants us to live according to His words and accepts Him to be our personal Lord and Savior. He wants people to submit their lives and be totally dependent on Him and live a true Christian living. Follow God's word, and live in a godly way. The book was really nice and has truly pierced my heart the way the author described in details Jesus Christ's suffering that I wept while reading some chapters of it.
According to my new Christian friend, it was my spiritual birthday, the day when I was born again. After that prayer by my Christian doctor, nothing dramatic change took place in me. She invited me to attend to their church on Sundays and I started reading the bible guided by "Our Daily Bread". It was then I realized that if I want to follow the Lord and live the Kingdom living, I need to think and act in a Christ way. Meaning, I need to kill the old me since all my sinful ways has been washed away when I accepted the Lord. This was the start of my spiritual battle, and the hardest for me was avoiding and stop having sexual encounter with men and totally leave behind the homosexual life and be an ex-gay.
Ever since I was a kid, I believed in God. John 14:12-14 says, I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
I took this words literally, so my prayers to Him every night were consist of giving thanks, asking forgiveness, asking for what I want in my life like for instance; the fast and positive result of my visa application, and asking God to take care of me and every aspect of my life. I became so close to Him. Around this time when my homosexual activity toned down more than a little but what I forgot was I did not addressed it to the Lord. From the start, even though I have not read it from the bible yet just from heresy, I have no idea why I have this feeling that having sex with a man or men if you're a guy is simply not just right. It explains why I have a sudden feel of guilt every after encounter. Yes like I have said it was toned down but never stops. Still I have continued to search and look for men that will satisfy my sexual need until I got employed to this call center in early 2006. It was not as frequent as before because I have worked on a graveyard shift, and I know that deep down inside of me I really have wanted to cease. Actually, I thought my prayers were answered when the Australian Embassy asked me to complete my medical exam via mail that's why I have decide to get a job while waiting. Only to lead me to another predicament, this in turn will change my entire life and eventually lead me to Lord Jesus Christ.
Late 2007 when my visit to my Christian doctor became frequent and every time she asked me how I am doing, always I retorted I want to make something good out of my condition. I told her that I believed God has a reason and has a different plan for me why He did not allow my plans to succeed and let this tragic thing happened to me. I have started to look at the brighter side because that's the best thing that I can do in my present situation. I began to ask not only myself but her as well as to what is the purpose of my life, why am I here if God will only hurt me by not giving me all that I have wanted even though He witnessed that I worked so hard for all of it. Then my Christian doctor told me that I am a candidate to be a born again Christian. She told me that the Lord wants me to completely surrender my life to Him and leave the kind of life I used to have and I have dreamed of. She prayed over me and instructed to ask forgiveness with all my heart from God, and to accept Jesus Christ to be my personal Lord and Savior, while weeping. I was very emotional that time that I cried for like half an hour coz I have felt I have nowhere left to go but only to Him. It was December 2007.
She gave me a book as an early Christmas present written by Anne Graham-Lotz entitled Just Give Me Jesus, after I have finished, it was then I have truly understand all the sufferings on the cross by our Lord Jesus Christ. He did it for mankind's salvation. He wants us to live according to His words and accepts Him to be our personal Lord and Savior. He wants people to submit their lives and be totally dependent on Him and live a true Christian living. Follow God's word, and live in a godly way. The book was really nice and has truly pierced my heart the way the author described in details Jesus Christ's suffering that I wept while reading some chapters of it.
According to my new Christian friend, it was my spiritual birthday, the day when I was born again. After that prayer by my Christian doctor, nothing dramatic change took place in me. She invited me to attend to their church on Sundays and I started reading the bible guided by "Our Daily Bread". It was then I realized that if I want to follow the Lord and live the Kingdom living, I need to think and act in a Christ way. Meaning, I need to kill the old me since all my sinful ways has been washed away when I accepted the Lord. This was the start of my spiritual battle, and the hardest for me was avoiding and stop having sexual encounter with men and totally leave behind the homosexual life and be an ex-gay.
Monday, March 24, 2008
My Journey To Jesus Christ 1st Part
Prior to the decision of eventually submitting and entrusting my whole life to Lord Jesus Christ and accepting Him as my personal Lord and Saviour, my life was in a total darkness, emptiness, loneliness, and yes, truly meaningless after accepting the fact that my so called life has been sentenced by that medical result. Apparently, I am a dead-man walking and trying to appear alive doing the things normal people would normally do. I was still employed that time. My life was totally lifeless for the next two months after that realization. As previously posted, I have no idea what to do after accepting the bad news and digested it into my system. I have confessed this dilemma to some few trusted friends and I was so blessed for they accepted and did not judged me. One of them even helped me out to refer to her friend working in a non-government organization that helps people like me. I thought about committing suicide for several times. I even pictured myself lying on the way of the train waiting for it to come and finally end my life for more than a couple of times. I just can't do it because I have seen how painful it was for my parents to loose a son when my brother took his life. Simply, I just can't do it because I am well aware that it is a mortal sin to take one's life especially my own life! I think this is the real reason why God has allowed that tragic event in our family to happen a few years ago, to made me realize all of these and not do it to myself.
The first doctor I have talked to about my health condition told me that there's an organization consists of people living with HIV or PLWH who can relate to me and gives me moral support that I will need. She introduced me to the president of Pinoy Plus Association Inc. He helped me to get access for free medical check-up in this government hospital in Manila, where I met the Christian doctor who guided me on my search to the true meaning of life which will eventually lead to Lord Jesus Christ.
Our immune system is the ultimate target once the HIV virus entered into our body. You can never tell who is positive to the virus just by looking at person physically unless he or she will tell you. If you're going to look at me most probably you would not believe that I am positive simply because I look perfectly healthy. Like I said in my previous blog, I have nice body built due to regular work out, nice healthy skin, and I weighs exactly just right for my height and age. To determine my current health status, I was asked to do the CD4 test. This lab test will show the count of CD4 cells which composed the immune system and ascertains if it's time for me to the take anti-retroviral drugs or ARV. This medicine will prolong the life of an HIV patient for it diminishes the increase of virus in the body hopefully to the point that it can no longer be detected when a viral load test is done. That's the test which defines how much virus a person has in his body; it's quite expensive though and better be done after a year of taking ARV. By the world standard, a person with a CD4 count of 350 and below is required to take the ARV. It's still the patient's prerogative if he wants to start taking the medicine coz it has numerous side effects, but the higher the CD4 count like 200-350 the better coz the lesser side effect a person can get or sometimes nothing. Besides, a lot of counseling session from the doctor is required to discuss everything such as the real deal with HIV, ARV and its side effects, do's and don'ts, and other concerns. According to my CD4 test, I need to start taking the medicine coz the result of my lab test was 331 so I have decided already after weighing the pros and cons. It's a lifetime medication so the best judgment must be made. The reason why it took me 5 or 6 counseling session was, my doctor insisted me to tell my condition to my parents. At first, I was so firm with my decision to handle everything all by myself and not telling it to anyone especially to my family. Eventually, I was convinced by her and also I realized that they have all the right to know for the simple reason that they are my family no matter what so I told them. I told it to my sister first, of course she cried, and requested her to give my letter where I told everything to our parents. Sorry but I can't afford to see them hurting because of what happened to me that's why I opted to mention every details of it through a letter, in that way I will not miss out anything. It was 8 months after I was diagnosed when I have finally decided to break the bad news to my sister, then to my parents. I was in Manila coz I am still working that time when they got the letter so when I came home a week after, we never talked about it but I was surprised when they replied with a letter also. Well, we're not the type of family who are so blatant of what we feel or what we think. We all know that we really loved each other; it's just that we're not vocal and showy about it. The content of my parent's letter, well they wrote to me separately, was enough for me to face this dilemma dauntlessly. The line where my father told me that he's willing to take my place if that disease can only be transferred brought so much tears to my eyes and my mother reassured their love for me through that reply. Praise the Lord! I was blessed with a very understanding, caring, and loving family!
June 2007, I started the trial of ARV for 14 days and nothing has happened to me. No side effects have occurred, not until on the 20th day when I was home already. For the next 10 consecutive days, every morning and evening after eating my meal I just threw them up. Most of the time, I was nauseated and felt weak. After those 10 days, I felt better and my feeling went back to normal. Aside from my doctor's advice to quit my call center job with unhealthy working schedule, I was forced to resign due to my absences. Well, that was the worst side effect I have experienced so far after taking ARV for more than 9 months now. Currently, the side effect which occurring to me is the skin irritation and peeling around my finger nails on hands and feet. I thought it was syphilis but after the test, it was not.
August 2007 when I have started to bum around, I just stayed at home with my parents. My regular check up is once a month every Thursday to see if there are possible opportunistic infections and to get the ARV. So far, aside from that skin problem I mentioned I am very well ok. During this idle time of my life when I began to contemplate on everything I have been through ever since I became independent and took control of my life. I came to a realization that all my actions and decisions have been motivated by my stupid ambition to be wealthy, to be recognized, and to find a partner. But most of the time, I was driven by my desire to have more money! Well, I just want to give my parents somehow a luxurious life after all the sacrifices they have done for us children, travel and visit some parts of the world and the country with them, to have a condo unit of my own and a car, and probably my own business. There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but I was so consumed by all of these desires that somehow I forgot about God! Yes I have thanked Him and asked forgiveness every time I prayed to Him every night, but I guess it was not enough.
Every time I visit my Christian doctor for my check up and counseling, she always asked how I am. I told her that I believe there's a reason why this horrible thing happened to me and I was so determined to discern that reason.
The first doctor I have talked to about my health condition told me that there's an organization consists of people living with HIV or PLWH who can relate to me and gives me moral support that I will need. She introduced me to the president of Pinoy Plus Association Inc. He helped me to get access for free medical check-up in this government hospital in Manila, where I met the Christian doctor who guided me on my search to the true meaning of life which will eventually lead to Lord Jesus Christ.
Our immune system is the ultimate target once the HIV virus entered into our body. You can never tell who is positive to the virus just by looking at person physically unless he or she will tell you. If you're going to look at me most probably you would not believe that I am positive simply because I look perfectly healthy. Like I said in my previous blog, I have nice body built due to regular work out, nice healthy skin, and I weighs exactly just right for my height and age. To determine my current health status, I was asked to do the CD4 test. This lab test will show the count of CD4 cells which composed the immune system and ascertains if it's time for me to the take anti-retroviral drugs or ARV. This medicine will prolong the life of an HIV patient for it diminishes the increase of virus in the body hopefully to the point that it can no longer be detected when a viral load test is done. That's the test which defines how much virus a person has in his body; it's quite expensive though and better be done after a year of taking ARV. By the world standard, a person with a CD4 count of 350 and below is required to take the ARV. It's still the patient's prerogative if he wants to start taking the medicine coz it has numerous side effects, but the higher the CD4 count like 200-350 the better coz the lesser side effect a person can get or sometimes nothing. Besides, a lot of counseling session from the doctor is required to discuss everything such as the real deal with HIV, ARV and its side effects, do's and don'ts, and other concerns. According to my CD4 test, I need to start taking the medicine coz the result of my lab test was 331 so I have decided already after weighing the pros and cons. It's a lifetime medication so the best judgment must be made. The reason why it took me 5 or 6 counseling session was, my doctor insisted me to tell my condition to my parents. At first, I was so firm with my decision to handle everything all by myself and not telling it to anyone especially to my family. Eventually, I was convinced by her and also I realized that they have all the right to know for the simple reason that they are my family no matter what so I told them. I told it to my sister first, of course she cried, and requested her to give my letter where I told everything to our parents. Sorry but I can't afford to see them hurting because of what happened to me that's why I opted to mention every details of it through a letter, in that way I will not miss out anything. It was 8 months after I was diagnosed when I have finally decided to break the bad news to my sister, then to my parents. I was in Manila coz I am still working that time when they got the letter so when I came home a week after, we never talked about it but I was surprised when they replied with a letter also. Well, we're not the type of family who are so blatant of what we feel or what we think. We all know that we really loved each other; it's just that we're not vocal and showy about it. The content of my parent's letter, well they wrote to me separately, was enough for me to face this dilemma dauntlessly. The line where my father told me that he's willing to take my place if that disease can only be transferred brought so much tears to my eyes and my mother reassured their love for me through that reply. Praise the Lord! I was blessed with a very understanding, caring, and loving family!
June 2007, I started the trial of ARV for 14 days and nothing has happened to me. No side effects have occurred, not until on the 20th day when I was home already. For the next 10 consecutive days, every morning and evening after eating my meal I just threw them up. Most of the time, I was nauseated and felt weak. After those 10 days, I felt better and my feeling went back to normal. Aside from my doctor's advice to quit my call center job with unhealthy working schedule, I was forced to resign due to my absences. Well, that was the worst side effect I have experienced so far after taking ARV for more than 9 months now. Currently, the side effect which occurring to me is the skin irritation and peeling around my finger nails on hands and feet. I thought it was syphilis but after the test, it was not.
August 2007 when I have started to bum around, I just stayed at home with my parents. My regular check up is once a month every Thursday to see if there are possible opportunistic infections and to get the ARV. So far, aside from that skin problem I mentioned I am very well ok. During this idle time of my life when I began to contemplate on everything I have been through ever since I became independent and took control of my life. I came to a realization that all my actions and decisions have been motivated by my stupid ambition to be wealthy, to be recognized, and to find a partner. But most of the time, I was driven by my desire to have more money! Well, I just want to give my parents somehow a luxurious life after all the sacrifices they have done for us children, travel and visit some parts of the world and the country with them, to have a condo unit of my own and a car, and probably my own business. There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but I was so consumed by all of these desires that somehow I forgot about God! Yes I have thanked Him and asked forgiveness every time I prayed to Him every night, but I guess it was not enough.
Every time I visit my Christian doctor for my check up and counseling, she always asked how I am. I told her that I believe there's a reason why this horrible thing happened to me and I was so determined to discern that reason.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Series of Unfortunate Events
HIV positive! It did not surprise me that much but it was the last thing I have expected! I knew I had a few unprotected sexual encounter that's why it was really possible coz I did not know too well those guys I had encountered with. Well, my initial reaction was to wail to God and asked why me? I never hurt anyone nor stepped on to anyone just to get what I want. I have showed respect and kindness to everyone especially to my family and friends, I have stolen nothing, and I never killed anyone. Most of all, I showed respect to God. (Or did not I really?).When I was a kid, I go to church every Sunday and as often as possible when I was working. I always pray every night to give thanks to God, and ask for His forgiveness for the wrong I have done. But what went wrong for me to deserve this? There were lot of homosexuals, or let me call it perverts out there, who were far worst than what I did but why me? For a couple of minutes I was so mad at God that I even reprimanded Him! But then I realized that I was wrong and should not have done that so I immediately asked for His forgiveness, said sorry, and prayed even harder to take care of me. Look, it was my last hope to have a better life and it will never happen because of that stupid HIV!
My first job was great when it comes to salary and benefits but most of the time my work itself sucks. So when the company had decided to cut the overhead cost, they offered an early separation package to those who will voluntarily resign. It was lucrative in a way plus I have savings, not to mention that I am still young and now with job experience for almost 4 years, so I thought it would be better for me to take this chance. Confident that there will be a lot of opportunity for me out there so I resigned. And now, I can try the things I have dreamed about like modeling and putting up my own business, or went abroad if things did not worked out. When I was out from that company, I realized that it was a big mistake and that would be the first of the series of these unfortunate events in my life. It happened in mid 2002.
Back in June 2001, my younger brother took his own life with a gun shot to his head leaving us without any reason why he did that awful thing. This was the first tragic event in the family and I saw how painful it was to my parents especially to my mother coz he's graduating that time in college and he's so young at 20. I even helped my mother to send him to college. Later on, the question why it was happened to us has been somehow answered.
The business I put up with a friend turned out to be futile and I lost almost less than 200,000 for that. I thought if you have the money, it would be easy to put up a business but I was so wrong. It's imperative that it should be your heart's desire and also it would be something that you will be proud of and I was not. Aside from the business technicalities, I also learned that there are people who are meant to be entrepreneurs and I am not one of them. Well, obviously, it cost me a lot to learn those lessons and it's the second in the series. This was in 2003.
In addition, I have learned as well that when you have lots of money time is really gold. So instead of putting most of what I've got in a conservative investment, with the help of trusted friends, I put more than half of it to a risky business deal and later we found out that it was a pyramiding scam. That's the next in the series, and I literally cried for what I've lost. This was in 2003 also.
Then before my first business venture ended, I enrolled myself in a modeling school and started to do some mall fashion shows, promotional tour in bars, go-sees, VTRs for commercial and corporate events. After 3 years of doing this, my modeling career did not take off as I expected so I have decided to give it up and became the fourth in the series. My modeling career started in late 2002 and ended up on the last quarter of 2005.
The reason why I opted to try these things was, I have always wanted to be a professional model and/or a businessman. If I will not try doing such things that time, when will I gonna do it? I don't want to end up asking myself in the future, "what if I tried this? What do I think would happen? Will I be successful? Famous or not?". So might as well try it then and find out the answers than wait for another opportunity, in which I am unsure if there will be another opportunity or that time still will come.
Like I mentioned on my previous blog, I have applied for an immigrant visa for Australia hoping to start a new life there and try to recover all the money I've lost for the past years. While waiting for the whole process to be completed I have decided to get myself employed in a call center which started in early 2006. In the last quarter of the same year, the immigration lawyers asked me to have my medical to be completed so that they can release my visa as soon as possible. Then the fifth unfortunate event in my life took place, according to my medical result, I am HIV positive!
For the next two months after that terrible medical result, I have felt like I am a dead-man walking because I opted to continue working and live my life normally as if nothing happened. After that grieving moment to God and accepted the fact that I am sick and I'll be dead in 12-18 years, I realized that I need to be responsible for the consequences of my actions. After all it's my fault; I became promiscuous and did not take the necessary precautions knowing all the risk. I have violated the biblical law so I guess I deserved this punishment, yes that's what I thought. But it was not, it became the way for me to search for the real meaning of life and it will be God's way of saying, "son we need to talk".
The last in the series of these misfortunes was, when my doctor asked me to resign from my call center job coz the working hours is now a threat to my health. For the reason that I want to live longer and make the most out of it and finally decided to look for the purpose of my life, I did resigned. Now it had given me so much time to contemplate on things and eventually decided to turn over a new leaf and make that big change in my life......to follow the Lord Jesus Christ.
My first job was great when it comes to salary and benefits but most of the time my work itself sucks. So when the company had decided to cut the overhead cost, they offered an early separation package to those who will voluntarily resign. It was lucrative in a way plus I have savings, not to mention that I am still young and now with job experience for almost 4 years, so I thought it would be better for me to take this chance. Confident that there will be a lot of opportunity for me out there so I resigned. And now, I can try the things I have dreamed about like modeling and putting up my own business, or went abroad if things did not worked out. When I was out from that company, I realized that it was a big mistake and that would be the first of the series of these unfortunate events in my life. It happened in mid 2002.
Back in June 2001, my younger brother took his own life with a gun shot to his head leaving us without any reason why he did that awful thing. This was the first tragic event in the family and I saw how painful it was to my parents especially to my mother coz he's graduating that time in college and he's so young at 20. I even helped my mother to send him to college. Later on, the question why it was happened to us has been somehow answered.
The business I put up with a friend turned out to be futile and I lost almost less than 200,000 for that. I thought if you have the money, it would be easy to put up a business but I was so wrong. It's imperative that it should be your heart's desire and also it would be something that you will be proud of and I was not. Aside from the business technicalities, I also learned that there are people who are meant to be entrepreneurs and I am not one of them. Well, obviously, it cost me a lot to learn those lessons and it's the second in the series. This was in 2003.
In addition, I have learned as well that when you have lots of money time is really gold. So instead of putting most of what I've got in a conservative investment, with the help of trusted friends, I put more than half of it to a risky business deal and later we found out that it was a pyramiding scam. That's the next in the series, and I literally cried for what I've lost. This was in 2003 also.
Then before my first business venture ended, I enrolled myself in a modeling school and started to do some mall fashion shows, promotional tour in bars, go-sees, VTRs for commercial and corporate events. After 3 years of doing this, my modeling career did not take off as I expected so I have decided to give it up and became the fourth in the series. My modeling career started in late 2002 and ended up on the last quarter of 2005.
The reason why I opted to try these things was, I have always wanted to be a professional model and/or a businessman. If I will not try doing such things that time, when will I gonna do it? I don't want to end up asking myself in the future, "what if I tried this? What do I think would happen? Will I be successful? Famous or not?". So might as well try it then and find out the answers than wait for another opportunity, in which I am unsure if there will be another opportunity or that time still will come.
Like I mentioned on my previous blog, I have applied for an immigrant visa for Australia hoping to start a new life there and try to recover all the money I've lost for the past years. While waiting for the whole process to be completed I have decided to get myself employed in a call center which started in early 2006. In the last quarter of the same year, the immigration lawyers asked me to have my medical to be completed so that they can release my visa as soon as possible. Then the fifth unfortunate event in my life took place, according to my medical result, I am HIV positive!
For the next two months after that terrible medical result, I have felt like I am a dead-man walking because I opted to continue working and live my life normally as if nothing happened. After that grieving moment to God and accepted the fact that I am sick and I'll be dead in 12-18 years, I realized that I need to be responsible for the consequences of my actions. After all it's my fault; I became promiscuous and did not take the necessary precautions knowing all the risk. I have violated the biblical law so I guess I deserved this punishment, yes that's what I thought. But it was not, it became the way for me to search for the real meaning of life and it will be God's way of saying, "son we need to talk".
The last in the series of these misfortunes was, when my doctor asked me to resign from my call center job coz the working hours is now a threat to my health. For the reason that I want to live longer and make the most out of it and finally decided to look for the purpose of my life, I did resigned. Now it had given me so much time to contemplate on things and eventually decided to turn over a new leaf and make that big change in my life......to follow the Lord Jesus Christ.
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