It was a great week last week for a lot of good things happened to me in spite of being a bummer for almost a month now.
Since I do not have a work, I was able to attend the HBC or Home Based Care Training organized by this NGO for the HIV infected and affected families. Basically it's about taking care of an ill or bed ridden person at home. Information and practical application were shared and demonstrated which made the learning fun and more interesting.
During this event, the Lord did something wonderful. Surprisingly God has allowed me to be a witness to five different persons in just one night! The first person was seeking for answers on how to change and not do the things that brought him the infection.
The second one though did not go well at first. Inadvertently I came across to him in a judgmental and alienating way when we talked about my stand on homosexuality as a Christian. I have learned a lot from this conversation and we parted ways as two mature man.
The third and the fourth person are best of friends. I have met this guy at the mall that night when he smiled at me then we talked and I found out that he used to be a Christian. When I revealed my status to him and to his friend they began to think about their lives now and so grateful that I have shared my life to them. We're good friends now.
God saved the best for last. Before I go to bed that night, I was able to talk to one of my co-trainees. He shared his life and I shared mine and in the end, he accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior!
It was tedious but truly an amazing night! To be used by God to save souls or even just simply plant a mustard seed in an unexpected time and place makes this Christian life even better. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Amazing Grace
Honestly, I am not so happy to blog about the things happened to me in the past few weeks. But of course, this is my journal and I believe I must write them down. Certainly there were lessons learned needs to be imparted.
After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.
Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!
It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!
A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!
In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.
Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.
Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.
Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.
This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.
Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!
It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!
A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!
In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.
Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.
Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.
Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.
This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Abstinence and Risk Avoidance
The group has just finished the training of facilitators and pilot testing of the adolescent reproductive health module I have worked on for the past months through my leadership. In fact, I am still at the venue while I am writing this blog.
Generally, the "Abstinence and Risk Avoidance" for Filipino youth training went well. In spite of the very bad weather caused by the tropical storm "Ondoy", more than the target number of youth participants to participate on the pilot testing came over. Based on the evaluation of all the participants, they have a wonderful and amazing experience and were glad to be a part in learning even one of the five units of the whole module.
For me, the highlight of this event was when the Lord prompted me to tell my life story during the training of facilitators. At first, I have no intention of doing that because this is not Channels of Hope workshop. But when some of these soon to be new facilitators for this program were having a hard time understanding the homosexuality part, I have no choice but to tell them the truth. To ensure that it was really right to share my testimony, I even asked God a clear signal to go and He really gave me one so I did it.
I don't know if all of them were blessed but it does not matter. I believe it touched their hearts as I saw them crying with me as I shared my life to them. Some of them gave me a hug and a pat on my back. One of them has decided to name her grandchild after me to my surprise! I said wow! I was almost speechless and elated at the same time when this jolly woman approached me to ask if it's alright with me.
Every time I talked about the Christian truth about homosexuality, it always creates a lot of questions out of bewilderment. If you can remember, the same thing happened when I was invited to be a resource speaker in Sri Lanka last year on their HIV and AIDS national youth conference to talk about this issue.
All I can say is that, God has been and will always be good and faithful to me in this journey. Truly I have experienced His strong presence in me during these times which depict the peace and happiness I have in my heart.
Some of them might have understood it and accepted the Christian view on homosexuality through my life but still there are a few who were left unconvinced and confused. Well, that's all I can do for now and I will let God speak to them personally regarding this matter.
Undeniably, this program has a touch of my life on it and I would understand if some of them will leave out the homosexuality part when they began teaching it because it is not easy to comprehend and to grasp in one seating; that's what I told to these new facilitators.
My contract will end three days from now and I have no idea what will happen next. I have made plans already accompanied with prayers of course but I do not know what His plans are for me. Not worried I must say but excited and looking forward to what God will be doing next.
I just want to thank the Lord and praise Him for this successful event. He's truly with me and us all throughout on this. Thank you Jesus and I give you back all the honor and glory. Amen
Generally, the "Abstinence and Risk Avoidance" for Filipino youth training went well. In spite of the very bad weather caused by the tropical storm "Ondoy", more than the target number of youth participants to participate on the pilot testing came over. Based on the evaluation of all the participants, they have a wonderful and amazing experience and were glad to be a part in learning even one of the five units of the whole module.
For me, the highlight of this event was when the Lord prompted me to tell my life story during the training of facilitators. At first, I have no intention of doing that because this is not Channels of Hope workshop. But when some of these soon to be new facilitators for this program were having a hard time understanding the homosexuality part, I have no choice but to tell them the truth. To ensure that it was really right to share my testimony, I even asked God a clear signal to go and He really gave me one so I did it.
I don't know if all of them were blessed but it does not matter. I believe it touched their hearts as I saw them crying with me as I shared my life to them. Some of them gave me a hug and a pat on my back. One of them has decided to name her grandchild after me to my surprise! I said wow! I was almost speechless and elated at the same time when this jolly woman approached me to ask if it's alright with me.
Every time I talked about the Christian truth about homosexuality, it always creates a lot of questions out of bewilderment. If you can remember, the same thing happened when I was invited to be a resource speaker in Sri Lanka last year on their HIV and AIDS national youth conference to talk about this issue.
All I can say is that, God has been and will always be good and faithful to me in this journey. Truly I have experienced His strong presence in me during these times which depict the peace and happiness I have in my heart.
Some of them might have understood it and accepted the Christian view on homosexuality through my life but still there are a few who were left unconvinced and confused. Well, that's all I can do for now and I will let God speak to them personally regarding this matter.
Undeniably, this program has a touch of my life on it and I would understand if some of them will leave out the homosexuality part when they began teaching it because it is not easy to comprehend and to grasp in one seating; that's what I told to these new facilitators.
My contract will end three days from now and I have no idea what will happen next. I have made plans already accompanied with prayers of course but I do not know what His plans are for me. Not worried I must say but excited and looking forward to what God will be doing next.
I just want to thank the Lord and praise Him for this successful event. He's truly with me and us all throughout on this. Thank you Jesus and I give you back all the honor and glory. Amen
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Major Fall
I hope I am not getting worst with the recent trials I have failed to win in the past few weeks of my Christian journey.
First, I got myself into a little flirting and cruising at the malls though they were all unintentional. Second I went to kissing and hugging guys during those times that I can't resist them, without having sex of course and then this sexual release for the first time after a little more than seventeen months of celibacy happened. After that I tried masturbating. And then last Saturday night I guess I had a major fall.
This guy followed me all the way to the ride station going to our house in the province. It turned out that he's attracted to me and well I am also attracted to him. Though I told him that I am a Christian and I have stopped having sex with guys he's very persistent of seeing me and befriending me that I cannot ignore him anymore. Eventually I said yes and I went out with him and have dinner at their house. I know this was a wrong decision because he's alone that time and it was not a safe place for the two of us and yet I still accepted his invitation.
We ate, talked and laid down together at the sofa (again wrong move!) then it happened. We started kissing and hugging each other and then I came to a point that I can no longer resist him and have finally succumbed to the desires of our flesh. I even mentioned to him that I am HIV positive and it's alright with him. There's no penetration happened because I did not want to. After that I said sorry to him and to God.
That night before I went to bed, I told God that this is too much and I hate it. What really stunned me was that, once again I did not feel a huge guilt or if ever I have guilt feelings, it was not strong. I did not understand that until last Sunday when I confessed and talked about this to one of my friends in the church. By the way, I have confessed it to my pastor and other counselors.
When I talked to this friend of mine about all of this, she said that it was the grace of God. Jesus Christ took away the shame and guilt and God allowed me not to feel that. At first I was confused but she told me that's how God love me so much and we're so intimate now that He did not allow me to feel that way. Of course He's against it and grieved over it but the tears I cried during the altar call last Sunday were tears over His presence I have been longing during the time when it's all happening. It's easy for me to ask forgiveness and go back to Him but honestly if I would not be careful, this could lead me to abusing His grace without knowing and I do not want that.
Also, I need to mention that I have believed in the mendacity of the enemy that since I have broken my promise to God there's no use of controlling myself anymore that's why I let myself that night. I have been feeling miserably over resisting the temptations for the past several weeks which I did not understand at first why I have been bombarded by temptations anywhere which I surmise is not normal. I missed being happy. Then later on I found out that it has something to do with my prayers to Him and all these are just part of the test and somehow I did not managed to pass.
I have learned my lessons and I have to stand up, stop believing the enemy's deceptions, dust myself off and continue walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I just hope and pray that this will be the last and painstakingly to be wiser next time to come up with the right decision. I have decided to be with Jesus no matter what happens for He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will stop being performance or goal oriented with my Christian walk because it's not doing me any good.
"Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson is the last book I read and it seems like I did not learn anything from it so I guess I have to read it again and this time put it in my heart. The book helps the reader to understand who we are in God and as a child of God and how to walk victoriously. I will share my review on this book in the near future here in my blog after finishing it for the second time.
First, I got myself into a little flirting and cruising at the malls though they were all unintentional. Second I went to kissing and hugging guys during those times that I can't resist them, without having sex of course and then this sexual release for the first time after a little more than seventeen months of celibacy happened. After that I tried masturbating. And then last Saturday night I guess I had a major fall.
This guy followed me all the way to the ride station going to our house in the province. It turned out that he's attracted to me and well I am also attracted to him. Though I told him that I am a Christian and I have stopped having sex with guys he's very persistent of seeing me and befriending me that I cannot ignore him anymore. Eventually I said yes and I went out with him and have dinner at their house. I know this was a wrong decision because he's alone that time and it was not a safe place for the two of us and yet I still accepted his invitation.
We ate, talked and laid down together at the sofa (again wrong move!) then it happened. We started kissing and hugging each other and then I came to a point that I can no longer resist him and have finally succumbed to the desires of our flesh. I even mentioned to him that I am HIV positive and it's alright with him. There's no penetration happened because I did not want to. After that I said sorry to him and to God.
That night before I went to bed, I told God that this is too much and I hate it. What really stunned me was that, once again I did not feel a huge guilt or if ever I have guilt feelings, it was not strong. I did not understand that until last Sunday when I confessed and talked about this to one of my friends in the church. By the way, I have confessed it to my pastor and other counselors.
When I talked to this friend of mine about all of this, she said that it was the grace of God. Jesus Christ took away the shame and guilt and God allowed me not to feel that. At first I was confused but she told me that's how God love me so much and we're so intimate now that He did not allow me to feel that way. Of course He's against it and grieved over it but the tears I cried during the altar call last Sunday were tears over His presence I have been longing during the time when it's all happening. It's easy for me to ask forgiveness and go back to Him but honestly if I would not be careful, this could lead me to abusing His grace without knowing and I do not want that.
Also, I need to mention that I have believed in the mendacity of the enemy that since I have broken my promise to God there's no use of controlling myself anymore that's why I let myself that night. I have been feeling miserably over resisting the temptations for the past several weeks which I did not understand at first why I have been bombarded by temptations anywhere which I surmise is not normal. I missed being happy. Then later on I found out that it has something to do with my prayers to Him and all these are just part of the test and somehow I did not managed to pass.
I have learned my lessons and I have to stand up, stop believing the enemy's deceptions, dust myself off and continue walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I just hope and pray that this will be the last and painstakingly to be wiser next time to come up with the right decision. I have decided to be with Jesus no matter what happens for He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will stop being performance or goal oriented with my Christian walk because it's not doing me any good.
"Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson is the last book I read and it seems like I did not learn anything from it so I guess I have to read it again and this time put it in my heart. The book helps the reader to understand who we are in God and as a child of God and how to walk victoriously. I will share my review on this book in the near future here in my blog after finishing it for the second time.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Masturbation
After that inadvertent release of sexual urges a couple of weeks ago and realized that the promise I made to God has been broken, the enemy has lured me to another which is masturbation. This is my first masturbatory emission after more than seventeen months of celibacy and not having any natural release through wet dreams.
Alright I masturbated three or four nights ago trying to experiment if I can do it without thinking lustfully. Honestly, the only picture which came into my mind while doing it was kissing a guy with a blurred face but it was just a very fleeting moment. I have concentrated on touching and caressing parts of my body until I came.
Did I feel any guilt after? Sorry but I did not feel any guilt having this thought that it is possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts. I have a friend who's a Christian leader of this ex-gay ministry and according to him it is possible indeed that's why I tried it. Moreover, you must be disciplined so you will not be obsessed to it.
Why did I do it? I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I don't want to do it. In addition to that like I mentioned above, I just want to try it if it's possible and then see if I will feel culpable after.
A couple of nights ago, I was feeling the urge again but instead of getting into it I opted to pray and surrender it to Him and then tried to get to sleep. The enemy really knows when to attack because right after that prayer and lying on my bed, the guy I wanted to have done with it sent me a text message but I ignored it and went back to sleep. Also I have decided not to resort to masturbation having the fear that I might be addicted to it.
I have met a person who believes and earnestly advises that masturbation is for married people only. It becomes a sin because usually it is being done with lustful thoughts. The bible does not directly refer on this matter so it is viewed not inherently wrong. Well I guess I will try my best to abstain from doing it and pursue a holy and pure life with Jesus as long as I can with God's grace of course.
Alright I masturbated three or four nights ago trying to experiment if I can do it without thinking lustfully. Honestly, the only picture which came into my mind while doing it was kissing a guy with a blurred face but it was just a very fleeting moment. I have concentrated on touching and caressing parts of my body until I came.
Did I feel any guilt after? Sorry but I did not feel any guilt having this thought that it is possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts. I have a friend who's a Christian leader of this ex-gay ministry and according to him it is possible indeed that's why I tried it. Moreover, you must be disciplined so you will not be obsessed to it.
Why did I do it? I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I don't want to do it. In addition to that like I mentioned above, I just want to try it if it's possible and then see if I will feel culpable after.
A couple of nights ago, I was feeling the urge again but instead of getting into it I opted to pray and surrender it to Him and then tried to get to sleep. The enemy really knows when to attack because right after that prayer and lying on my bed, the guy I wanted to have done with it sent me a text message but I ignored it and went back to sleep. Also I have decided not to resort to masturbation having the fear that I might be addicted to it.
I have met a person who believes and earnestly advises that masturbation is for married people only. It becomes a sin because usually it is being done with lustful thoughts. The bible does not directly refer on this matter so it is viewed not inherently wrong. Well I guess I will try my best to abstain from doing it and pursue a holy and pure life with Jesus as long as I can with God's grace of course.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Life God Blesses
This book by Gordon MacDonald talks about how we can weather the storms of life that threaten our soul. Here he compared our Christian life to a sailing boat and its foundation which is the keel below the waterline.
We often set out on life's voyage with little regard to the quality of our vessel. We are more concerned with our ship's appearance than we are with what lies below the waterline - the all important soul that acts as a keel to keep us afloat should the waters turn tempestuous.
Living out of the soul is the term he used to depict how we as Christians give high importance to the quality of our soul. We should have a soul shaped by mission and guides to have a beautiful soul of which I have shared earlier in this blog. I will share later on the mission we must have as Christians and soul's liturgy to be pondered on a daily basis to stay communing with God in our own moment of silence with Him.
The life God truly blesses is simply living in full dependency on Him for protection, wisdom and for resources with deep humility of which will made all the difference according to MacDonald. The soul is meant to be the energy center far below the waterline that provides the power to breakthrough circumstances and situations bogging down the ordinary person.
God Himself comes to dwell in the soul of people who open their lives to Him in faith. That is living out of the soul, a life God blesses. I highly recommend this book to everyone so I must thank my adopted mother from Palawan for giving me this book because I am truly blessed. Thank you mom for this book.
Friday, August 28, 2009
A Broken Vow?
For the past seventeen months, I never had an actual sexual encounter because I have made a promise to God that I will try my best not to indulge myself into it.
Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.
What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.
I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.
After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.
I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.
To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.
Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.
What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.
I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.
After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.
I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.
To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.
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