Forty “@40 I Thoughts” @10

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(October 4, 2017)

I thought of writing these thoughts or realizations in life in celebration of my ten years journey with the Lord. For the reason that after all these thoughts have happened, I thought I would feel or think what I thought I would feel or think before they happened. Unfortunately, most of the time I was wrong. So here we go.

I thought when I finished college, I will be successful.
I thought if I landed a good-paying job, I will be rich.
I thought if I am able to help my family, I will be fully happy.
I thought when I quit my job, I will be a businessman.
I thought when I pursued my dreams, I will be fulfilled.
I thought if I have lots of money, I can do and buy anything.
I thought when I am old enough, I know more than enough.
I thought if I am older enough, I can conquer the world.
I thought if I tried everything, there will be no regrets.
I thought when I embraced and live who I really am, I will be free.
I thought when I was diagnosed with HIV, my life has ended.
I thought I could ignore it, but I could not.
I thought I could kill myself, but I could not. 
I thought God is simply up there.
I thought all Christians are self-righteously judgmental.
I thought all Christians are nice and good. 
I thought God does not talk to us.
I thought a human can only love you for what you have.
I thought Christ-like love is impossible.
I thought when I have sinned and sinned, I will be unforgiven.
I thought when I failed, it will be the end of it.
I thought there will be no life after HIV.
I thought I would not be able to travel.
I thought I know myself already.
I thought I could not speak in public and teach.
I thought the Bible was boring and hard to understand.
I thought I am done with studying.
I thought I am done with master’s degree.
I thought another professional license was not going to happen.
I thought putting up a counseling center is just a dream.
I thought living freely is a fantasy.
I thought 24 years ago, I will be married and have children by this time.
I thought I believe in a miracle, not until I experienced it myself.
I thought when I was a child, a 40-year old man is really old.
I thought when I reached 40, I am really and will look old.
I thought aspirations and dreams are for young people.
I thought when I finished my studies, I will stop learning.
I thought when you get older, life is much easier.
I thought it is impossible to attain joy and contentment.
I thought I would not be happy.