SSA and Two SAs?

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Very important...two words that have reminded about what I said on my last entry here. That is, I would write again when something very important happens. In the past couple of weeks, something happened and it’s both good and bad.

What’s keeping me really busy these days for so long is juggling between ministry work and doing all the post-grad required readings and paper. Prior to the beginning of the last semester, I was on the verge of giving up this study and stop completely. I have been so stressed out and felt like its taking the toll on me. However, I was able to come to pass this struggle, thank God. As I continue reading the last few books, I believe God has revealed something to me. Not just one but two books and both are about issues that most people do not want to talk about. First is the Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser, which has greatly and deeply impacted me. I guess from the title itself you already what is it all about. Second is The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. This material is about understanding what sexual abuse is and how a sexually abused person can find healing from the trauma. To understand and learn these complicated issues was all I have expected. Little did I know that there’s something more in store for me.

It took me a long process to finally acknowledge, accept and embrace the same-sex attraction (SSA) that I have only to take it as my cross in obedience to following the Lord Jesus Christ. Of course, there’s a lot of sexual issues related to this such as thoughts, sexual desires, temptations that are unsatisfyingly satisfied through occasional pornography, masturbation and very quite rare sexual intercourse. These are the sins and temptations that I and other people who have decided to chose this less traveled path, have to battle with virtually every day. And for almost 11 years of this journey with Christ, I thought everything is in control, I am doing fine, and on my way to the healing of this sexual brokenness. Unfortunately, I was wrong. God is not contented with where I am in my journey. Occasional slips or relapses of my sexual issues need to be dealt with for God is holy, therefore, we should work hard to be holy. That is very clear in His words when you are set apart for the Lord Jesus.

As I went through the pages reading Laaser’s material, it was like mirroring me as he describes the comprehensive definition and symptoms of sexual addiction (SA). It felt like I was reading about myself. Honestly, this is difficult for me to accept and embrace. Perhaps I was or still in denial for I refused to call my behaviors an SA. I was told already with this by a researcher who took me as one of her subjects but I ignored it. I told myself her assessment was wrong. I kept convincing myself that I was not and I am not. But with all this information and learning I got, I really wanted to cry. I did not know how to process this and do not know what to do. Good thing, I was able to grieve over this at my session today earlier this evening.

The Lord is not done yet with His revelations. As I read Allender’s, I realized through his pretty comprehensive description of sexual abuse about something. That almost all of us have been sexually abused in one way or another. We are not just aware of it. Some of the types of sexual abuse that the author has described happened to me when I was young. I just hope that every memory I remembered are all there is to recall and no more repressed or buried experiences in the unconscious. Similarly, this was also hard to accept but for some reason, it is easier to acknowledge, embrace and deal with. I have been carrying this in my heart heavily.

These revelations from God through these brilliant books cannot be ignored. Besides, it has been a while since the last time God has spoken to confront me. It’s very clear. God is calling me to be not contented and address this issue. Moreover, I realized I have been praying each day that God will heal me. Now, He is obviously responding and I need to take my part. Simply I cannot sit, pray and just wait for Him to do something miraculously. As bright as the sun shines during the day, I need to do my part.

Consequently, it was bad because of this not really new discoveries. It has been lingering around for some time already and I just chose to ignore it. The feelings I have towards these revelations are not good. I feel extremely sad, deeply broken again, and having some self-doubt. On the other hand, it was good because of the acquired deep understanding about these issues. Also, I was able to discover something about myself in which will be another focus of understanding the way I am. It is not only SSA but also SAs. Thus, good and bad. Well, the journey must go on even though this less road traveled is becoming narrower than before. Like what the Bible said that we aim for perfection for God is perfect (Matt. 5: 48). He is holy thus, we need to be holy (1 Pet. 1: 16). All these are possible by the grace of God. We simply have to keep on trusting. Have enough faith...each day.