Holy Week 2012 Reflections & Revelations

Thank God for the six days long weekend holiday for me. It had given me time to really relax, get longer sleep, read a book, eat a lot but do exercise as always, play with my niece and nephew and do my favorite past time lately which is movie marathon! But the best of all, I was able to spend time with the Lord which was unfortunately pushed by my frustrations with my walk with Lord Jesus.

Last night I was browsing through the blog I have been following and I was so blessed with the article written and posted by Thorn of http://www.signsofastruggleblog.com entitled "The Line Between Almost and Always". I can actually relate when he said that as a child, Easter was an odd celebration because I felt the same way. But after celebrating the resurrection of Lord Jesus as a Christian for almost five years now, God gave me a different view and reflection on this most important event of our history. Christ died, defeated death and rose again. It is reality and not words, to save us as a demonstration of the greatest love of all! We all know this truth and believed.

As I reflected upon on the latest event of my journey with the Lord, it went beyond this reality I guess. With regards to my frustrations, for me God has not only conquered death. He also has shown to all especially to the enemy that He always win! He will do everything for His people to bring honor and glory to His precious name! It is never about us but it's all about Him!

So even if I make wrong choices or choose to follow myself, God's plan has not changed and will never change. He can turn the most disastrous event in my life and all the temptations which come always on my way, into something that will change me towards becoming the man that He wants me to be and at the same time will give glory and honor to Him!

As I continue my walk with Jesus Christ, I know I will continue to struggle with same sex attraction and sexual intimacy. I have failed or sinned a few times already this year and always plead to Him as I pray for forgiveness and total freedom. Last Wednesday night as I begged to God to help me and free from this bondage I cried and cried for several minutes and then have felt God's presence. He knows how much I have wanted to pursue holiness and obey Him without any doubts or questions but full trust. And I strongly believed in my heart that He assured me that very soon as I go to the point of dying to myself, there will be tears but also joy at the same time in honoring God with this death.

Additionally, the Lord clearly have spoken to me that Easter is not only about rising alone. But it also means finishing up this race God has called me for to finish by rising up again and again each time I fall and move forward till the end no matter what! God reminded me of this with Derek Redmond's video and story as I read "More Than Conquerors - A Call to Radical Discipleship" by Simon Guillebaud. I remember I was truly touched and have cried when I first saw its video and as I pictured in my mind whilst reading it from this book, I can't help but to cry again and I know its God! Derek got injured and was in great agony in the middle of the race at the 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games. He stopped running, but in excruciating pain did not drop out of the race. With the cheering of the crowd wondering if he could finish it, his trainer and Dad at the same time helped him and they made it together to the finishing line.

Just like Derek's father, Jesus is the only one who can help me to finish this race. Only Jesus is the one who knows what I have been through and what lies ahead. Similarly, Jesus comes alongside each of us to carry us the rest of the way as Guillebaud said. With His help, I will finish the race!

Now I am excited and recharged for the coming weeks and months knowing this assurance from the Lord! Die, rise again and finish the race.

35th Birthday and Chennai Trip

Before I left for Chennai, India a little more than two weeks ago to lead training on Channels of Hope (CoH) for the second time, my office closest friends surprised me with a birthday cake and balloons to celebrate my 35th birthday!

Honestly, I was not so keen on celebrating it. In fact I have hidden my birth date in almost all of my online accounts so nobody can remember. Well, my true friends knew when it is and still have received a lot of greetings and few gifts from them which I was so thankful about! It made me realized that these people are God's gift and His way of reminding me that I am surrounded by His love through all of them.

Perhaps I was just afraid a bit that I am officially on my mid 30's but still single with the same SSA or same-sex attraction struggle and have not accomplished so much. This could be the reason why I was not into celebrating it and was a bit grumpy that day. Nevertheless, I can say confidently that I am happy and contented with how's this God-given life going on and I believe that's the most important thing. Looking back exactly five years ago since I have celebrated my very first birthday with the Lord Jesus Christ, He has done a lot of great things in my life in spite of my unworthiness and in the midst of all my struggles. The past five years are more than enough to be grateful and happy about my 35 years of existence. Surely I have failed and sinned so many times either sexually, selfishly or pride-fully but will continue to press on and live under His amazing grace and testify!

Exactly that's what I did on this almost two weeks trip in Chennai! It was my first international trip this year and the Lord was there I can tell and will always be. Although the team have struggled a bit for we have not met the minimum target of participants, God led us in such a way that His name will still be honored and glorified in the end so thank you Lord!

We were able to visit and see a couple of beautiful tourist places near the area in Mahabalipuram and took some pictures from it. I also had a great time to work with old friends I have met the first time I came to this country and had a fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ from different parts of the world. Truly it was another wonderful and blessed trip!

Now I will be preparing for another CoH workshop with Logos Hope at Subic port later this month and perhaps for my fellow staff from the office. I remember a newly found friend asked me once if I face spiritual warfare before and after I testify about God's grace. Of course I said yes so I will be asking for your prayers my dear brothers and sisters who read and follow this online journal of mine. I really appreciate it. God is really awesome!

Channels of Hope at Logos Hope

This love month I have facilitated two Channels of Hope workshop, one in Cebu port and one in South Harbor Pier 15 through the sailing God's community of Logos Hope ship.

I got the opportunity to stay on board for two nights while in Cebu and it was really great. Not only I have met very nice people and made new friendships with them but God's presence was there I can tell! I believe the ship is anointed for I could not think of any sin which I struggle with the whole time I was there!

Anyway, the Logos Hope team and I had such a wonderful experience doing this HIV ministry in both ports. Participants have realized and accepted that HIV is real and a lot of things that they can do. They were touched through my personal experience which I willingly shared to them. Some felt God's presence and believed that God should be put first in everything, it made them recognized that God is good and challenges like this can makes us a stronger and better person as long as we surrender it to Him. For others, it opened their mind to the issue and opened their hearts to God. Some would like to undergo HIV testing. And one participant even said that he wants to put the Lord Jesus Christ in the center of his life! Clearly, this is no longer about HIV! It is now becoming a platform to show God's presence and His glory in the midst of this pandemic!

These are some of the amazing feedback and reflections we got from these two workshops! I am truly and simply grateful to God that He's the One who was exalted and got all the honor and glory He deserves for His goodness and faithfulness in my life! Thank you Lord Jesus.

Another one day workshop will be done once day dock at Subic port on March.

Fireproof

Have you seen this movie "Fireproof"? If not, you better get a copy and watch it. The film depicts on how a virtually lost marriage can be saved. It was very moving and inspiring!

Well, I can only say these things after watching it unintentionally last night and I even started at the half of the movie for I have seen it already two years ago. Since then for me, it was just a very great film for couples especially married couples with a very good soundtrack that lead me to write a blog about the song on May 2010.......until last night.

Seeing the husband wooing his wife just to save their marriage even though He's against it at first and ready to give up in the middle of the required 40 days as advised by his father for he's not receiving any response from the wife, until something happened inside of him which took him to go beyond 40 days, made me feel very emotional.

When they are finally together I cried again but it was the scene where the couple was renewing their vows that made me really weep! I felt like it was the Lord whispering to me saying, "That's how I love you my bride".

He is wooing me like that of the husband even I do not respond sometimes or whenever I choose going out with a guy I like instead of Him and that He will never stop pursuing me. Our "vow" or covenant with Jesus is always renewed every time I confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, accepts and continuously live under His amazing grace! With these revelations, I can't help but to weep so deeply thanking and praising the Lord!

It's been quite a while since I felt His strong presence like this and this time God has reminded me that our "marriage" is fireproof.

God's Promise for 2012

When I was still a very new Christian, I often hear words of promises from the Lord through the gifted prophet's prayer in our church. After more than four years, almost all of them have happened already except for one promise which I think will take a little bit more of time.

The promise of becoming a father (either spiritually or physically) is the only one left to still happen out of those promises I received a couple of years ago, a promise that I hold on to when I want to give up during times of failures and testing. In fact, this was the promise used by God to remind me when I was struggling over a virtual long term commitment / relationship back in December 2011. Anyway, this year I received another word from Him because I asked for it.

The Lord will take away the hardness in my heart. He will remove my stone heart and replace it with a flesh heart. He will turn me to a man after His own heart like King David. These are the words of His promise for me that all I can remember. The person who released it even asked me if I prayed this prayer then I remember that I have prayed once or twice nearly a little over two years ago that I want to be like David, a man after God's own heart.

God will break my heart with things that breaks His as I understood it and He will give me finally a wise and discerning heart! Clearly another promise where I can rest and hoped for in this journey with Christ!

All we got to do is ASK. Ask and He will answer, Seek and you will find and Knock and surely He will open the door!

The Year That Was

2011 was a great year for me generally speaking. It was a year of acceleration I remember as our church called it and indeed it was.

The ministry the Lord entrusted me has reached five countries from three. After my Bangkok trip on February, I was grateful to visit Singapore for communications training and spent time with my best friend. Together with most of my colleagues from the team, we attended training on Islam on May and saw the Petronas Tower in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I went to Cambodia to visit some of the projects on HIV and was blessed to see the Angkor Watt in Siam Reap on June. My abstract entree to the 10th ICAAP successfully granted me a trip to Busan, Korea on August and finally, my Pastor asked me to take part on the E21 event in Jakarta, Indonesia. God set a platform to all these places for me to share how HIV & AIDS bring the ultimate glory He always deserves to His name!

On the other hand, the struggle and temptations has also increased which virtually turn my direction into the wrong path in the last five months of the year. Its culmination, which I still can't believe up to this time, was that I nearly got married to a Dutch guy! Through all these failures and sins, God has been faithful and poured out an ocean like amount of grace. It made me realize once more that I cannot truly live my life without Jesus so I stick with Him no matter how painful it was. I am just glad that all these are over now.

But the best thing ever happened to me in 2011 was the very recent revelation I got from the book "Cat & Dog Theology" by Bob Sjogren and Dr. Gerald Robison. It helped me to rethink my relationship with God and made me understood at last the phrase "pleasing God over pleasing self and people". Life is not design by God to revolve around us but it was designed to be a series of opportunities to point to and reveal God's glory! God has created and planned everything as in "all" including the good, worst and even the extremely painful events in our life and in this whole world only to bring pleasure and greatest glory to Him and His name! What a revelation! It's all about HIM! That is what a "Dog" Christian is and will work my way of becoming one all the time in every aspect of my life.

Honestly, I have never been excited like this in my entire life for something I am totally clueless about! If there is one thing I am sure of is that 2012 will be way better than 2011 for I will start living passionately for the glory of God! Whatever I do, I'll do it for His pleasure and glory!

A blessed New Year to all!

Going Four Years - God's Enabling Grace

Yesterday December 13 marked the fourth year of my existence as a born again Christian!

My Pastor and I had our not so regular accountability meeting finally after several months because of our busy schedules with our own ministry work. Only then I was able to give him an update on what's happening or what I have been through, also now is the only time I will confess these things on my blog.

Everything started when I came back from Busan when my curiosity got opened again to the new things for me on gay sex which I found out from casual conversation with my gay friends and new people I met during this conference in Korea.

I told myself I will just try it once or twice then that's it and I will quit, so I joined again on this gay website just to find out that many people are really now into party (or partee) and play or pnp for short. It's having sex after taking E or ecstasy and for some I also learned that they use "ice" or shabu instead. And my roller coaster journey began.

The promise of doing the pnp once or twice did not happen though for the fact that what I've heard is true. That the feeling when you are high with its effect makes the act very pleasurable that you will definitely ask for more! It's kind of addictive that you want it whenever you want to have sex. Later on I met a Dutch guy who asked me to have a pnp with him and we unexpectedly hit it off which started from what we have in common and that is being HIV+. For the first time he never felt that accepted and comfortable with someone after a very long time according to him. He shared a lot of pain in his life which he have hidden in his heart for quite some time that I can relate to mostly and he said he never felt that free to be himself when he's with me. As for me, I honestly felt his pain and God's love flowed through my heart for him as he shared that we became even closer than we expected until he offered me the life once I was dreaming of as a gay person before! He was planning to marry me and settle in Europe!

Well I must admit that was very tempting, flattering and honestly I love it too but it also reminded me that it was not the path towards the realization of God's promise to me more than a couple of years ago. I have to choose between him and Jesus! Knowing all the truth from His words and through the guidance of my church, friends and Pastor, even it was too painful for me to choose the Lord and die to my desire, I did choose Jesus. Yes I broke his heart and mine as well twice with this decision. It hurt me that I have hurt him and it hurt that I hurt myself. It was almost an unbearable pain that I was crying for two days. I never thought I would fall for and miss someone whom I have been "together" for only two weeks.

I know I made the right choice and I have done a favor for both of us. This was confirmed by my Pastor last night. He also made me realized that God was crying also in pain with me that very moment and that God poured so much grace upon me on this to come up with the right decision! My Pastor, my boss at work and a very close girlfriend of mine were all very proud of me. But the best part, God is also very pleased. By the way, I have deleted my account on that gay website two days after "breaking up" with him to end all these foolishness.

Also it made me realize how He loves me and still I can't believe how I can allow myself to go this far. Indeed this event thought me a great lesson in my journey with the Lord that no matter what, I have to stand right with God.

When we choose to go either to the right or the left instead of walking straight to the path God set for us, things happen such as meeting people. Unexpected things happen in the process of knowing them and sometimes ending up liking or even loving them. As Christ's follower, we are mandated to love him and love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Hence, even these people we meet does not conform with our beliefs and principles based on God's words, we have no choice but to love them still even to the point of hurting them if necessary and even more painful....to the point of hurting ourselves by leaving them for a certain period of time just to stay within His will. But the saddest part is that, that the person might go astray more from Him. Truly dying to ourselves and to our own desires can be our greatest sacrifice for Christ, though it's incomparable to His suffering on the cross just to save and transform us, as evidence of our love for Him. Lord please forgive this son of yours and may these people forgive me too.

All these happened in the past five months in the midst of doing the ministry and now I am moving towards my fifth year in this journey with the Lord Jesus, excitedly looking forward to great things that God has in store for me. I am so grateful that God saved me and always faithful to me so thank you Lord so much.