My Pastor and I had our not so regular accountability meeting finally after several months because of our busy schedules with our own ministry work. Only then I was able to give him an update on what's happening or what I have been through, also now is the only time I will confess these things on my blog.
Everything started when I came back from Busan when my curiosity got opened again to the new things for me on gay sex which I found out from casual conversation with my gay friends and new people I met during this conference in Korea.
I told myself I will just try it once or twice then that's it and I will quit, so I joined again on this gay website just to find out that many people are really now into party (or partee) and play or pnp for short. It's having sex after taking E or ecstasy and for some I also learned that they use "ice" or shabu instead. And my roller coaster journey began.
The promise of doing the pnp once or twice did not happen though for the fact that what I've heard is true. That the feeling when you are high with its effect makes the act very pleasurable that you will definitely ask for more! It's kind of addictive that you want it whenever you want to have sex. Later on I met a Dutch guy who asked me to have a pnp with him and we unexpectedly hit it off which started from what we have in common and that is being HIV+. For the first time he never felt that accepted and comfortable with someone after a very long time according to him. He shared a lot of pain in his life which he have hidden in his heart for quite some time that I can relate to mostly and he said he never felt that free to be himself when he's with me. As for me, I honestly felt his pain and God's love flowed through my heart for him as he shared that we became even closer than we expected until he offered me the life once I was dreaming of as a gay person before! He was planning to marry me and settle in Europe!
Well I must admit that was very tempting, flattering and honestly I love it too but it also reminded me that it was not the path towards the realization of God's promise to me more than a couple of years ago. I have to choose between him and Jesus! Knowing all the truth from His words and through the guidance of my church, friends and Pastor, even it was too painful for me to choose the Lord and die to my desire, I did choose Jesus. Yes I broke his heart and mine as well twice with this decision. It hurt me that I have hurt him and it hurt that I hurt myself. It was almost an unbearable pain that I was crying for two days. I never thought I would fall for and miss someone whom I have been "together" for only two weeks.
I know I made the right choice and I have done a favor for both of us. This was confirmed by my Pastor last night. He also made me realized that God was crying also in pain with me that very moment and that God poured so much grace upon me on this to come up with the right decision! My Pastor, my boss at work and a very close girlfriend of mine were all very proud of me. But the best part, God is also very pleased. By the way, I have deleted my account on that gay website two days after "breaking up" with him to end all these foolishness.
Also it made me realize how He loves me and still I can't believe how I can allow myself to go this far. Indeed this event thought me a great lesson in my journey with the Lord that no matter what, I have to stand right with God.
When we choose to go either to the right or the left instead of walking straight to the path God set for us, things happen such as meeting people. Unexpected things happen in the process of knowing them and sometimes ending up liking or even loving them. As Christ's follower, we are mandated to love him and love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Hence, even these people we meet does not conform with our beliefs and principles based on God's words, we have no choice but to love them still even to the point of hurting them if necessary and even more painful....to the point of hurting ourselves by leaving them for a certain period of time just to stay within His will. But the saddest part is that, that the person might go astray more from Him. Truly dying to ourselves and to our own desires can be our greatest sacrifice for Christ, though it's incomparable to His suffering on the cross just to save and transform us, as evidence of our love for Him. Lord please forgive this son of yours and may these people forgive me too.
All these happened in the past five months in the midst of doing the ministry and now I am moving towards my fifth year in this journey with the Lord Jesus, excitedly looking forward to great things that God has in store for me. I am so grateful that God saved me and always faithful to me so thank you Lord so much.