Abounding Grace for Forty-Three Years

Four decades and three years but who is counting? Well, we are taught to number our days (Psalm 90: 12) so, yes, I am counting. I am just grateful to God for keeping me alive for forty-three years...and two days now. Without a doubt, the past 43 years has been a reflection of His amazing and abounding grace. Acknowledging the fact that I could have died twice already makes me speechless and in awe about how good and faithful our Almighty Father was and He will remain to be...I guess, even I have been and will be unfaithful at times. Hey, I’m just being real here.

The older I get the more I realize that I need Christ more than I usually do. For this reason, I have only one prayer request from the Lord Jesus on my birthday from this day until the end, that He gives me a heart that loves Him above else. I need a heart that loves Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength that also fears Him, a wise and discerning heart. Consequently, I would live this life only according to His will and purpose continually. Every single moment every day, I may live this God-given life simply to honor and glorify Him.

God’s love is reckless, merciful, and never-ending. He is a good good Father. Simply that is who He is and by the grace of God, I am who I am. With that loving heart, I strongly desire what the Apostle Paul has said (Galatians 2: 20). That in the coming days or years, it is Christ that truly lives in me and no longer I...and incessantly become a channel of His blessings of love, faith, and hope.

HIV and Me – A Flashback Of The Past Decade

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Before the new decade and a new year come, let us take a quick look at some of the highlights in the past ten years of this God-blessed life.

2010 marked the beginning of my two-year work project with WVI in the Asia Pacific Region and the Philippines. Working as the Channels of Hope (CoH) HIV Coordinator has given me opportunities to work in a multicultural and international environment. It has become a training ground that enhanced my facilitation and speaking skills. Also, it has brought me to New Delhi and Jaipur City in India, Nairobi, and Mombasa in Kenya, Singapore, Malaysia, Cambodia, Busan in South Korea, Indonesia, and back in Bangkok, Thailand and Chennai, India.

My four-year journey at Asian Theological Seminary has begun in 2011. Taking up my masters’ degree in Pastoral Counseling was almost every single moment, truly a joy. Also, counseling is both a calling and a passion that God has placed in my heart.

Towards the end of 2013 was another encounter with God where He took away the shame out of being true to myself as I speak and teach about His goodness and faithfulness throughout my life. It was the year when God has shown me how I was taking the glory and honor away from Him whenever I keep untold a part of His precious story through my life where His amazing grace is so much abounding! What a tough call, however, rewarding and liberating!

The following year, 2014, was the launching of that tough call. God has sent me to Kanazawa, Japan to teach and speak the truth in love about the unrelenting issue of same-sex attraction (SSA) to more than 200 missionaries from around the globe for three consecutive weeks! It has become another training ground for honing the said gifts and fighting spiritual battles.

2015 can be considered the highlight of this decade. Three significant things took place. First, I finished my masters’ degree. Second, I passed the Guidance and Counseling licensure exam miraculously. Third, our counseling center was instituted! There was a bonus. In July of that year, I have appeared as the guest resource person in CBN Asia’s The 700 Club. I was invited to share my knowledge and research on the issue of SSA on national TV!

The beginning of 2016 was a war between life and death. I stayed in the hospital for 25 long days as I combat a number of stomach illnesses such as appendicitis, gastrointestinal infections, and pelvic abscesses to name a few. However, it was miraculous healing for God has answered my prayer to be healed without being opened! Moreover, it was a revelation of where my faith or lack thereof that has elevated my journey with the Lord Jesus to the next level. He has demonstrated through this tragic event how His Christian communities should be coming together to help someone who was sick and could be dying.

On the brighter side, 2016 was also the year where HIV Channels of Hope took off again locally through WVDF and has reached the Bicol region and Pangasinan, some parts of Visayas, and Mindanao. In addition, I got my first experience to become a part of the training team of AIDS Link International (ALI) when the seven-days CoH certification training was held in Kuala Lumpur.

Another milestone happened in 2017 when I started my doctorate studies in Clinical Christian Counseling at Asia Graduate School of Theology! Another tough call in which I have to say yes. Through Narramore Christian Foundation’s scholarship, I have a little over a year left to get my Ph.D. and be an excellent God’s “channel or agent” of healing and transformation to His people as a Counselor/Psychotherapist and Psycho-educator. Furthermore, another certification training by ALI was held in Cebu where I got my first diving experience!

In 2018 and 2019, more organizations have come to seek our partnership through our counseling center such as Philippine Retirement Authority, Church Strengthening Ministry, other programs of CBN Asia, schools, and churches. And finally, after 13 years of my diagnosis, I have shared God’s story through my life in the World AIDS Day celebration at San Lazaro Hospital before 250+ people from all walks of life! What a way to cap the year and the decade off!

Undeniably, there is so much to be grateful for the past ten years. Certainly, God’s hands were all in it and He will continue to lead the way this coming 2020 and the new decade! “As we sit on the edge of a new year, we are hemmed in by the faithfulness of God. Behind us are his wondrous deeds. Before us are his merciful plans. Both of them are marvelous and more than can be told. The past and the future belong to Him – and most importantly, so do we” (Hubbard, 2019). Soli Deo Gloria!

12 Years of Faith Journey

“Yesterday’s failures do not determine the outcome of today’s battle.” That is according to Brian Hedges. 

Every thirteenth of December marks the day when my faith journey has begun. Similar to the movie called “12 Years of Slave” or  the “12 Tribes of Israel” or the 

 “12 Days of Christmas”, it has been twelve years since I have given and surrendered my life to the one and only God’s sent Lord and Saviour for everyone. Wow! I still could not believe it! What Hedges said in the quote is true. For yesterday’s failure twelve years ago did not determine the outcome of my battles today. It is Christ Jesus who did and still do after twelve years when He found me and I started to live a life dedicated simply to honor and glorify Him.  

Looking back into those years, I could not help but feel joy, sad at difficult times such as sins and failures, and only adoration to who God truly has been and is. For this reason, I have shared this twelve-years of faith journey in more than twelve minutes to this gathering yesterday. It was my first time to speak about how my life has been for the past twelve years (actually thirteen) at World AIDS Day held in Manila yesterday. The theme for this year’s assembly is “Community Makes a Difference”. Thus, it is just fairly right to highlight the most important of all the communities that have made a difference in my life. That is the church community. 

The body of Christ has played a quite significant part of God’s story being written throughout my life. Without the church, along with my family, advocacy, and healing communities, I don’t think I would be able to have the life I am enjoying today – a somewhat happy and contented life in Jesus. From the failures of yesterday, still, I could not believe I was able to accomplish a lot of things I did not even imagine or dream of. Who would have thought that a former licensed electrical engineer would have turned into a Registered Guidance Counselor when he only desired to finish a master’s degree in counseling? Moreover, maybe I have dreamed of becoming a doctor but not a doctorate degree in Clinical Christian Counseling! So, I will be forever grateful to those people who have supported me in all these. Of course, by God’s grace, these people include my colleagues and dear friends from our counseling ministry. All these communities where I got involved with in the past twelve years have made a difference in my life very positively. 

So, not only that I have found my true calling and passion but also the real purpose of life – a God’s agent of healing and transformation for His people, a channel of God’s hope. Hence, do not worry if you have failed. It will not determine the outcome of our battles today but Jesus. Trust Him. Take it from a failure who have made victorious by the reckless and stubborn love of God. Looking forward to the next twelve years in my journey with Him. Thank you, Lord. Soli Deo Gloria!

Overlooking The Offense (Birthday Reflection)

“Accept then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. This will miraculously transform your whole life.” These are words of Eckhart Tolle. Acceptance is an attitude that we often do every day consciously or unconsciously. But when it comes to pain, emotional pain caused by offenses to be specific, acceptance can be quite difficult. You will find yourself struggling between retaliation and forgiveness. This the lesson that God has been teaching me lately.

Retaliation can be in any form. In my case, giving a hard cold shoulder when the person is around and staying away are my ways of being polite. On the other side of the pendulum is overlooking the offense, a Christ-like way. The consequences of the former choice can be detrimental to the relationship. Pain caused by the offense, especially if is not true or sometimes you are clueless, can cloud not only our judgment. The sorrow and worry can also cloud our perception upon the offender. However, the most painful about retribution when we dwell on it is the trouble it can cause us. It has the power to interrupt our day and ruin it even before we know it until we snap our self out of it and move on. In short, inner peace has become elusive. The worst part, the offender did not even know or sometimes care about it.

Overlooking the offense is not easy. If the pain that it caused you is a bit much, forgiving can be a challenge. In my case, through prayers and acceptance, God has led me to overlook the offense and forgive. By His grace and through constant prayer, God has led me to reach out to the person even if my heart did not want to. Moreover, God has shown me how rewarding it was to obey Him. More than the reconciliation of relationship, the blessing of inner peace and joy are found again. The best part, God is honored and glorified.

The key to dealing with offenses is not easy. “We overlook offense by looking up to God” according to Scott Hubbard. By His grace, overlooking the offense is quite possible. I have to realize that this attitude is what God has been chipping out from my heart by His chisel for the past two years. Thus, I can say now that I am grateful to my offender for the pain he has caused me. So, you see. Even people who are difficult to deal with has a purpose in our life. As Charles Spurgeon said, “Great hearts can only be made by great troubles.” Remember, every cloud has a silver lining. Thank you, Lord, once again, for continuously allowing me to see the SILVER LINING through offenses by overlooking it, for teaching me more about humility and grace through acceptance of any situation, especially when my heart says no.

A Worth-Remembering Lesson

Journaling, writing, blogging or whatever we may desire to

call it nowadays for me has become spontaneous like tonight. Perhaps I got inspired by the New Year’s Eve holiday. I feel nostalgic to reflect back on the most important lesson that is worth-reminiscing that took place in the past year. THE ACT OF FORGIVENESS.

First, it is truly a HUMBLING experience. Forgiving someone whom you have thought to be the last person to deeply hurt you by his unsubstantiated claims was really hard. With his gentle but blatantly throat-cutting words, I felt judged, worthless, and untrustworthy. He’s the greatest influencer in my eleven years’ journey with the Lord Jesus Christ. I am who I am today largely because I have internalized his teachings and principles from the scriptures! Again, those words were entirely groundless and pure assumptions. He was like a mentor to me! I look up highly to him! I believe you got my point.

Second, the act of forgiveness is truly a PROCESS. The offense took place virtually a year ago when I was moved by the Holy Spirit to do it. My heart was protesting but my mind and body were united to go against it. Honestly, I still cannot believe he did that and I am still hurting until today whenever I think of it.

But I am glad God did it because lastly, the act of forgiveness when you are deeply wounded can only be done by His GRACE. Whenever I think of those words he said, until this moment I fail to understand how or why he did that. It cost our intimate relationship. However, I chose to forgive him almost every day with a little hope that restoration towards a sweeter relationship will happen soon. It taught me what an elder told me a few times. The amount of grace you have received from the Lord is the same grace you can bestow to others especially to those who hurt you the most. Indubitably, I am so grateful to the abounding grace like an ocean that God Himself has bestowed upon me over and over again. So, who am I not to do so? But then again, it is difficult, however, by His grace it is possible.

Yes, through forgiveness reconciliation has taken place and largely, to a certain degree, it has freed me from negative and unhealthy thoughts about him. Nevertheless, as I tread on the path of 2019 towards my twelve years with Christ Jesus, my prayer is that the Lord will allow me to see the remaining pain in a different light. A new perspective that will usher me to become more like Him. That is to do what is right always despite my pain and sinfulness simply because I love Jesus above all. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see the SILVER LINING through hurt and for teaching me more about humility and grace through the act of forgiveness, especially when my heart says no. Truly, this is a lesson worthy of living and remembering. A Blessed Happy New Year to all! 

Awakening Desire

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That was the title of the book I just finished reading. It is about encountering the Divine Feminine in the Masculine Christian journey. My former professor gave me this copy, her latest book, perhaps as her way of thanking me for allowing her to include one of my journals as a requirement during my class with her. The content of this book could possibly create some controversies for some especially those who considered themselves conformist. Nevertheless, we got to respect every person’s experience particularly if that experience is about encountering God. Well, my own experience is cited here.

Becoming a part of one of the chapters of Dr. Irene Alexander’s work is truly an honor and a privilege. I felt so blessed. I really appreciate the way she has quoted what I said. This book made me feel that God is truly incomprehensible or beyond our finite mind can understand. And yet, we are called to trust Him even more. Yes, it has moved me to trust Him even more and let go of the stereotypes and concepts I unconsciously have towards God. I guess, I have to read the Bible more and really spend more time digging and reflecting upon His words, which is a bit of a challenge nowadays honestly. So, what desire will or should be awakened? I surmise this is it...to seek more of an intimacy with Him. That is the desire to know God more through seeking His presence and staying in it. That is the desire to get to know Him through reading, studying, reflecting, and allowing His words to speak to me while abandoning myself in Him completely.

Additionally, I have understood more the "liminal experience" she has introduced us years ago through the life of men she has presented in here. For legalistic Christians, this experience is termed “backsliding”, not really a good word if I may add. Simply because I believe that every experience we have both good and bad will all contribute to our transformation. Similarly, God has allowed or ordained some awful things, including sins, to happen. For what? Eventually, all for His glory. Through this book, I have come to realize I did not have to be too hard on myself when it comes to the cross that the Lord Jesus has asked me to carry virtually 11 years ago. My SSA and the remnants of my sexual abuse (which I have unexpectedly discovered recently) and the struggle of sexual addiction (which I also have "discovered" or more have accepted lately) are possibly huge areas of my life that the Lord will do a lot in terms of healing and dealing with my sexual brokenness.

This book came in at the right moment. I have been struggling a lot about my “crosses” lately with no one to turn to and talk about it. However, I thank God for our mandated personal psychotherapy as a postgraduate student. At least initially, I was able to cry out to God through my therapist the pain of these recent discoveries about myself. But I can feel there’s more. What truly important is that, yes, “Awakening Desire” has awakened my desire to encounter God more than ever. As Charles H. Spurgeon said, “Great hearts can only be made by great troubles.”