HIV, Homosexuality or SSA, and Me

In the past couple of months, and again this month, the Lord has constantly placed me in the forefront of His works through these ministries. This explains why it took me a while before I make an entry again in this journal after some time.

Nearly after nine years of working and praying through Channels of Hope (CoH) for evangelical churches to get involved in the HIV&AIDS advocacy, it has finally happened! Well, that was said by my very close friend and mentor of this work. In fact, she supported my travel to Davao last July to share God’s faithfulness, His story of grace through me, to His anointed leaders from all over the country. At the 32nd Philippines Council of Evangelical Churches (PCEC) national assembly, I was given a 45-minute opportunity. Fully relying on God’s wisdom and guidance, I must say that it was the most satisfying, short but precise, and most powerful message I have shared in my entire HIV career! And I thank and praise Lord Jesus for that. 

The issue of homosexuality or same-sex attraction (SSA) is never too far to be a part of the message. It is the cross I got to take daily. After receiving truly mean and outrageously judgmental comments during and after my guesting at DZAS the following week, it became a very strong issue at the CoH workshop that my friend and I have facilitated. Together we went to her best friend’s church somewhere in Camarines Sur to conduct a two-day CoH HIV workshop for their pastors. Regardless of these “tensions”, as always, God never fails to end His works on a very positive, heartwarming notes. The leaders were all grateful for the enlightenment and knowledge they have learned and moved to do something about these issues in their respective areas. God is amazing, is not He? 

Two more things are worth mentioning. Prior to our trip to that workshop, another CoH workshop was held in Naga City for this particular LGU. What amazing was, for the first time, a mayor of the town has not only attended! He also participated in the whole two-and-a-half-day event! Truly his presence graced this learning event. 

Of course, this journal would not be complete without talking about the wonderful experience that my friend and I have experienced. Before that workshop I mentioned above, our host – the best friend of my friend, and her family have treated us to an island hopping in Caramoan! Despite the sunburn and tiresome road trip, witnessing and enjoying the wonderful creation of God was all worth it! What an awesome way to spend that weekend! And what a privilege and a blessing indeed, which comes along with these services accomplished ... all for God’s honor and glory!

Towards the end of August, I will be sharing again God’s story of love, grace, and work in and through my life. Your prayers and support are highly appreciated. Shalom, everyone!

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

John Piper and Justin Taylor are the general editors of this wonderful book, which is mostly a collection of now polished talks given at a certain conference by the other six contributors including Joni Eareckson Tada. I got this as a token from Logos Hope through my German brother in Christ and good friend when he invited me a couple of months back as one of the speakers in the CoH workshop. And I was so glad to have and read this book for it gave me a better and brighter view on suffering and God’s sovereignty not to mention that He has spoken to me through some few chapters, which truly touched my heart and brought me to tears, and led me to really pray. I am beginning to be convinced that book is the Lord’s favorite means when He wants to speak to me personally.

Whenever something terrible happens to us, more often than not, we ask ourselves or God Himself the question, “why me?”  Well, I asked this question when I got infected with HIV and when I became a Christian, I asked the same question with my homosexual struggles. Why not ask the other way around like, “why not me?” Surely, nothing bad or evil can come from God but He can ordain or allow it to happen like what happened to Job. Somehow I am already aware of this fact but it was strengthen more by this book and see pains, suffering, sickness, poverty, child abuse of all forms and other difficulties in this world a new light. For obvious reason in my case, I got to know the Lord Jesus Christ through HIV but the tussle really came when I struggled about calling it a blessing or a gift so allow me to share some of the important knowledge I have learned from Piper and his colleagues.

In my five years and six months journey with Jesus, He has shown me God’s sovereignty on everything as in ALL things in this world including ALL the good and the bad things for such work altogether for good to those who believes in Him (Rom. 8:28). C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Clearly in my deafness, God used HIV to call me for His kingdom.

The reality and depth of pain are in the Bible but also we can find in it, hope, hope for the pain and suffering. Most importantly, we are all able to get through all these pain and hardships by and through the amazing grace of God. His grace is abounding and overflowing not during the good times but during suffering, pain and struggles. In my case, Lord’s grace is overflowing each time I fall and be able to get down on my knees, pray and ask for forgiveness and strength. God can raise us out of our hopelessness and meet suffering in His terms in the same way we can meet joy in His terms and not ours so that we can pass hope on to others like what I do in “channels of hope” ministry. Why? All these, HIV&AIDS, homosexual or SSA struggle, all other sins such as pride, selfishness, disobedience, hardships, calamities, sickness, and all the evil things in this world whether it is caused by our own sinfulness or it just happened despite of our obedience to Him, had happened so that you and I would rely not on (myself) but on God who raises the dead (2 Cor. 1:9).

Piper talked about not wasting a cancer for that was the suffering he experienced so I replaced this with HIV and homosexual struggle as I read it. I believe that God can heal me physically, by medicine or miracle, as well as my sexual brokenness so it is right to pray for both healing. HIV&AIDS is not wasted when God heals it for He gets the glory, that’s why HIV&AIDS exists. If not healed, God still gets the glory if we will only cling on to Him because by His grace He will sustain us.

HIV and SSA sharpen my awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of my life. If you are following this blog, you are a witness of this. In the testing ground of evils, our faith becomes deep and real, and our love becomes purposeful and wise (Powlison).

Satan designs to kill and destroy us, and our love for Christ but God designs to deepen our love for Christ. HIV&AIDS does not win if I die; it wins if I fail to cherish Christ. Satan meant it for evil but God meant it for good (Gen. 50:20, Piper). A great, life-threatening illness like HIV or life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for me to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others (Powlison).

My HIV is not a waste for I believe it was designed (or ordained) for me and led me to seek comfort from God, think about death, cherish Christ and deepen my relationship with Jesus, treat sin like never before, have hope, and use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ. Finally, therefore, I have fully accepted that HIV may seem to be a curse at first but now that God has turned it into a blessing, I am now okay to call it a gift. The blessing comes in what God does for us, with us, and through us. He brings His great and merciful redemption onto the stage of the curse (Powlison) like what He has done to me. I made my greatest advances in holiness on the hardest days of my life. It brings me to His presence, not to be sinless but to sin less, which makes suffering (like my SSA, sexual and other struggles in life) meant to wean me from sin and strengthen my faith. This thought made me most satisfied in Him where He is most glorified as Taylor said.

I was so blessed by Piper’s conclusion for it was my sentiment so allow me to end this entry with that.

“God, if you love your glory infinitely and you are more glorified in me when I am more satisfied in you, and my sin is being manifest by the slowness of my being satisfied in you totally, then it must be that the struggle that I am having with my own sin will somehow in someway cause me to be more satisfied in you. Someday, I’ll look back on my own sin when I’m in heaven and say, ‘How could such grace have carried on with me?’ and I’ll love His grace more than I ever would have, had I made progress more quickly.”

That’s terribly dangerous to say for it might lead us to sin more but the Bible has warned us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect. And everyday that we fail, be in our face giving thanks to the cross of Christ.

If someone will ask, “Why there are so much suffering and why the process of sanctification so slow?” It is because we (and the whole world) are so evil but God is sovereign. He can do whatever He wants for His glory for He is God.

If you want more, get and read this book and be blessed. Shalom!

Living Normally as HIV+

There are three things I would like to share regarding the title of this particular blog. First, more than three weeks ago, one of the persons who have founded our church needed blood donations to help him to survive as my Pastor announced right after the service (though eventually he died a few days later). Many have volunteered and to my surprise, about two people approached me and invited me to donate blood. I said I cannot do that for obvious reason! They have somewhat forgotten my HIV status! We laughed and they apologized......and it made me realized how people are treating me very normally!

Second, just last week, my close and closest friends from the office where I ended my contract gathered together and surprised me with a send off party! I just did not know how to react for it was truly unexpected. Before we began the food fellowship, each of them uttered heart warming messages and prayers. They were all a bit sad with my decision to leave hoping it is just temporary but at the same time happy for my new endeavor as a full time student. Another dream has just started to come into reality.....how normal is that!

Speaking of this new endeavor as a full time seminary / bible school student....lastly, let me share that finally it sank into me the fact that I am unemployed now and totally relying on the savings I have for my study. Honestly, it made me feel a little worried financially but then I realized this time it's different! I was in this situation before and it was a time before Christ came into my life but I have somehow survived.....now that I have Jesus I am even more confident that I have nothing to worry about for our God is a faithful God and He will always provide! I have proven that for more than a couple of years already during those times I was jobless. And now my days are beginning to get busy with assignments, reading, studying and I am kind of doing all these with joy in my heart, anticipation with new things to learn and excitement. This is called a normal and blessed student life!

"The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19a.

Living with HIV is a life that can be lived normally, for the Lord Jesus Christ! 

HIV Progression and Testing Part 3

Relationship Between Health Status, Viral Load and CD4 Count

It is very important to know the CD4 count and the viral load to manage a person living with HIV and AIDS effectively. A high CD4 count and a low viral load implies that the person may be in an earlier stage of HIV infection and thus likely to remain asymptomatic and looks very healthy.

As soon as the viral load increases and the person's CD4 count decreases, he may start to experience symptoms in the form of opportunistic infections. At first it would be infrequent and mild infections such as skin infections or mouth infections, but as the viral load goes extremely high and the CD4 count drops to below 200, the person is likely to become ill with more severe opportunistic infections. Now the person has AIDS and death normally follows within 16 months to 3 years, unless the person has access to ARV or antiretroviral drug therapy.

There are two things to note at this stage. A person with a high viral load (shortly after infection and in the final stage), would also be likely to have high levels of HIV in their semen or vaginal fluid and therefore they may be more infectious. It is also important to note that if a person's CD4 count drops below 200, it does not mean they will become ill; it simply means that their chances of becoming ill are greater. Some people remain quite healthy until their CD4 count drops as low as 10-20!

HIV Progression and Testing Part 2 - CD4 Test

Impact on CD4 Cells (T-lymphocytes)

Another test that is very important in the management of a person living with HIV and AIDS is the CD4 count. CD4 is a protein molecule found almost exclusively on the surface of the T-lymphocytes. For this reason, these cells are also called CD4 cells. The terminology is very often used interchangeably.) This molecule is crucial for HIV's attack on the body - the HI virus attaches onto this molecule to enter the T-lymphocytes cell.

Before being infected with HIV, a person would normally have 800 - 1200 T-cells or CD4 per milliliter of blood. Shortly after infection, this number drops dramatically due to the high number of HI viruses present.

As the viral load is brought under control, the CD4 cell count returns close to normal. But over the next eight to ten years, there is a gradual reduction in the CD4 cell count as the HIV manages to destroy more and more of these cells.

When I learned that I am positive with HIV and asked to have my CD4 count test, it was 331 only as of February 2007. It was my baseline and I never had my CD4 test again yet after a year of taking ARV. An HIV positive person with 350 and below CD4 count is advised to take the ARV or antiretroviral by the world standard to lessen the side effects of the drug. You will learn more on that on my next posts. Well, I will have my test next month.

Note: Information was excerpt from the "Channels of Hope" manual.

HIV Progression and Testing Part 1

Understanding the HIV Viral Load and Antibodies

We often think tend to think that if someone gets infected with HIV, the number of HI viruses will slowly increase until the person's death. This is not the case. Immediately after a person has been infected, the virus multiplies very quickly in the blood. Within a few days there will be a million HI viruses per milliliter of blood. This implies that there is now a very high concentration of the HI virus in the person's blood. We also call this a high viral load.

About a week to ten days after having been infected, the person's body starts producing antibodies. These antibodies are designed by the body to attach only to the HI virus and basically operate like mini-landmines. They attach to newly formed HI viruses and "blow up" the viruses. Partly as a result of this, there is a severe drop in the initial high concentration of viruses. The antibodies remain in the blood in high concentrations.

During the next eight to ten years the viral load remains at a relatively low concentration of between 1000 to 10000 viral copies per milliliter. During the following two to three years the virus starts winning the battle in the body and the viral load increases dramatically. This is the stage at which AIDS starts to develop, and at which the person starts to become sick.

Note: Information was taken from the "Channels of Hope" manual. I am so sorry if there are topics in between that are not related to each other for sometimes I really need to write my thoughts and feelings about how's going on with my Christian walk.

HIV Opportunistic Infections

A person with HIV is very vulnerable to different illnesses or infections especially if he's unaware that he's HIV positive and not taking any treatment such as ARV or simply having a healthy lifestyle.

There are all kinds of infections that can attack a person whose body has been weakened by HIV. We call such infections opportunistic infections because the HI virus has destroyed your immune system, they have the perfect opportunity to attack your body. These infections will not usually be found in a person with a normal, healthy immune system.

Opportunistic infections can include swollen glands, mouth infections, skin conditions, brain infections, lung infections and serious weight loss. Let's take a look at these in more detail.

Swollen glands or enlarged glands can occur in the earlier phase of infection, but then disappear again completely. This swelling is an indication that the person's body is fighting the HI virus and is not due to the glands being infected. During the fourth phase however, lymphomas or glandular cancers can develop. There are different types of glandular cancers. The types of lymphomas most commonly associated with HIV infection are called non-Hodgkin's lymphomas or B-cell lymphomas. In these types of cancers, certain cells of the lymphatic system grow abnormally. They grow rapidly growing into tumors.

Thrush is an ailment that commonly occurs in perfectly healthy babies. But when the effect of the HI virus seriously affects their immune system, adults also tend to develop thrush. It is quite normal to find these yeast-like fungi in the mouth, skin, intestinal tract and vagina, but they usually do not make people ill. However, when a person's immune system is suppressed, these fungi can start growing like wildfire to cause thrush of the mouth. The infection can even spread the body and result in death.

People with AIDS may develop brain infections, including meningitis, toxoplasmosis and tuberculosis. Others contract infections which attack the eye nerves, causing the person to gradually go blind. One of the most feared brain diseases is dementia. It is a disease most commonly found in older people, but people with AIDS also suffer from it. The symptoms of dementia are as follows: the person's mental state deteriorates; they have a very short attention span and cannot concentrate or remember.

A wide variety of condition affecting the skin can occur. These vary from athlete's foot in the early stages of HIV infection (it is very common for people with a healthy immune system to get athlete's foot - people with HIV infection are affected much more often and severely) to Kaposi's sarcoma - a kind of skin cancer resulting from AIDS. Shingles is another opportunistic infection. It is caused by the same virus that causes chicken pox in children and is extremely painful.

Most AIDS patients die as a result of one lung infection or another. The most common lung infection in developed countries is pneumocystis carinii pneumonia or PCP. More than three quarters of all people with HIV will develop PCP if they do not receive treatment to prevent it. It is characterized by chronic fatigue and exhaustion from the slightest exertion. It can easily be identified by X-ray. TB also commonly occurs as an opportunistic infection. Not everybody who becomes infected with the germ that causes TB will develop the disease. Someone who has healthy immune system and becomes infected with the TB germ has a 10% chance of developing TB as a disease during the course of their life. Someone who is HIV positive and who becomes infected with TB however has a 10% chance every year of developing the disease TB because of his weakened immune system.

People with AIDS tend to lose an enormous amount of weight. Weight loss is due to an opportunistic infection. However, some people develop what is known as "wasting syndrome." The HIV wasting syndrome involves involuntary weight loss of 10% of normal body weight, plus either chronic diarrhea (two loose stools per day for more than 30 days) and documented fever (for 30 days or more, intermittent or constant) without the person having an illness or condition other than HIV infection that would explain the condition.

Just remember that these infections are because of a weak immune system - just because someone has some kind of infection or is very thin does not mean he has AIDS! These opportunistic infections or OI can be avoided by means of the ARV or antiretroviral treatment; it gives the HIV positive person a chance to live a normal and much longer life. More information about ARV on my next posts.

Note: Information was excerpt from the "Channels of Hope" manual.

The Stages of HIV Infection

AIDS is the fourth stage of HIV infection. A person is said to have AIDS when he has HIV infection and subsequently develops one of a long list of conditions that usually only occur in people with a severe immune deficiency. A CD4 cell count below 200 per milliliter blood in the presence of HIV infection also constitutes an AIDS diagnosis.

The period between infection with HIV and the onset of AIDS averages 8-10 years. In some cases, it is longer, in others, shorter than this. People with AIDS often suffer infections of the lungs, brain, eyes and other organs, and frequently suffer debilitating weight loss, diarrhea and a type of cancer called Kaposi's sarcoma. Without antiretroviral treatment or ARV, most people with AIDS die within 2 years of developing infections or cancers that take advantage of their weakened immune systems.

The World Health Organization or WHO divides the course of the disease into four stages. Primary HIV infection is the first stage. From the time of infection with the virus until the antibodies are manufactured in the blood. A mild cold, night sweats, etc., could accompany this phase. This phase also covers the window period which is 3 months.

Asymptomatic stage is the second stage. The person is as healthy as can be, as his immune system is still strong enough like me. This stage can be prolonged for more than 20 or 25 years or sometimes even longer with the help of ARV. The person takes this lifetime medication to live a normal healthy lifestyle.

The third stage is the symptomatic HIV infection. Person has occasional mild mouth sores, skin infections or night sweats. The person receives treatment for the infections and they are completely healed. Months later, he may pick up another infection. These mild infections indicate a slight degree of immune suppression. It means the HI virus has already damaged the immune system to the point that it can no longer perform its normal functions.

The last stage is the progression from HIV to AIDS or AIDS stage; regular incidences of serious opportunistic infections such as TB, PCP or serious opportunistic lung infection, diarrhea and Kaposi's sarcoma which is a kind of skin cancer. There is a progressive deterioration in health, ultimately resulting in death. In this last phase you could say that the person has AIDS.

It is only in the last phase that a person's condition deteriorates to the extent that he will no longer be able to work. This phase lasts about 16 to 18 months. With some people this period is even shorter. The media have created the impression that the deterioration continues for years, with the person having to remain at home or in hospital. This actually only applies in the last few months of the fourth phase. For most of this period the person is healthy enough to continue working. It obviously varies from one person to the next. Some people are inclined to be chronically ill for longer, while others display the symptoms of AIDS for a long time while still being able to function normally.

There are also cases where a person positive to HIV has very low CD4 cell count and yet still looks healthy and very normal, while some suffers from different infections. I will discuss about testing, opportunistic infections, and treatments on my next posts.

How Does HIV Attack The Immune System?

Our body is protected by the immune system made up of white blood cells or WBC. These WBC have only one job and that is to keep us healthy. We could say that they are our body's army or police force.

We are surrounded by all kinds of viruses and germs that attack our body and make us ill. The WBC fights these viruses and diseases, usually manage to keep us healthy and protect us from disease. Sometimes though, in the case of more serious illnesses such as pneumonia or tuberculosis (TB), we need medication to help the white blood cells destroy these diseases. However, these white blood cells, with the help of the medication would normally get us healthy again.

HIV is totally different. It does not attack the body but it attacks the white blood cells that protect us. So what happens is that HIV slowly but surely kills our whole army or police force. After some years, our body will not have enough WBC left to protect itself; which means that it has no defenses against all the other diseases such as pneumonia, TB, cancer and skin infections that can make us ill. When that starts happening, we say that someone has AIDS. He now has an acquired immune deficiency syndrome.

But if he dies, what does he die of? Not of AIDS. Yes, he may have AIDS but that only means that his body no longer has an army or police force to protect itself. That is why he will become ill easily, and why it is diseases such as pneumonia, TB or cancer that will ultimately kill him.

For much deeper explanation, your blood contains different types of white blood cells: T-lymphocytes, B-lymphocytes, killer T-cells and macrophages. The most important WBC in the body is the T-lymphocyte or the CD4 cell. The CD4 cell or T-lymphocyte basically acts as the commanding officer or commander of the body's army. If any virus or germs arrives in the body, it is the CD4 cells that identify these viruses. They emit a chemical signal which activates all the other WBC. The other WBC reacts to the chemical signal of the CD4 cell and destroys the viruses or germs.

The HI virus is different. The moment it enters the body, it begins to attack the T-lymphocytes or CD4 cells. It penetrates the CD4 cell and uses them as a factory where it manufactures hundreds of new viruses. These new viruses are then released into the blood, in the process destroying the CD4 cells.

The longer a person is HIV positive, the more rapidly the HI viruses multiply, and the more CD4 cells are destroyed. Your body is constantly manufacturing new CD4 cells, but the virus multiplies so rapidly that there ultimately comes a time when the CD4 cells are destroyed more quickly than your body can manufacture new ones.

This process can take up to 8-10 years, but it means that the body's defense system is gradually being worn down. In other words, the commanders of the army, the ones that give the command to attack are being destroyed. The body's alarm system is being switched off. All the other WBC are still there and they can still do their job, but now there is no one to tell them to attack. So the body's immune system is neutralized.

Your body is now susceptible to all kinds of diseases, because there is no longer a defense system to protect you. Now all the other diseases can cause chaos in the body. This condition is AIDS. In other words, your body is susceptible to all sorts of opportunistic infections that will eventually become so serious that you will probably die of them.

A normal person has between 800-1200 T-lymphocytes or CD4 cells per milliliter of blood. When an HIV positive person has fewer than 200, there are no longer enough CD4 cells to set off the chain reaction. The person falls ill easily. By definition, this person now has AIDS.

Note: Information was excerpt from the "Channels of Hope" manual.

Kingdom Living

Kingdom Living or Christian Living is God's answer to HIV/AIDS according to Joy and Ray Thomas and I firmly believe and support that, I hope this will become my work and my ministry as well at the same time.

It means living God's way, following God's words which is the bible; the manual of our lives. Living God's way simply means abstinence before marriage, and being faithful after marriage, with condoms reserved for those in situations where they have no choice. The last resort which is the condom, I don't personally support that one 100%. There is always a choice; it's just that more often than not, people make the wrong choices. I strongly believe that HIV/AIDS is wholly preventable if only we will take our choices seriously.

According to the authors, the ABC program in Uganda (Abstinence first, Be faithful next, and use Condoms only for those who cannot or will not choose the first two) has successfully turned the tide in the progression of AIDS. It all started in Africa, Uganda, a country with a Christian President, was already thinking this way with this program. In the hospital where I have my regular check up, the number of patients increased every year. As a matter of fact, last year's total number of patients has been more than doubled compared to 2006. Though I was diagnosed then, it was in 2007 when I became legally part of their list. What's really sad about this is that most of the newly diagnosed were very young like 18 or 19 years old only! What's make the situation worse is that, the non government organizations that give social support to us promote the use of condoms. There's nothing wrong with that if you're going to look at safety alone but for me, it's like encouraging them to still engage in to casual sex and it's just ok as long as you're protected by this man-made rubber. I have read from the bible, I just can't remember what chapter and verse in the old testament, God said that if people will turn their back away from Him and continue to sin He will create diseases that is not written on this book; so HIV is one of them most probably. Now that I have decided to walk in light with Jesus Christ, living a true Christian life is a must and engaging in casual sex is not part of it. The church in the Philippines seems so quiet with regards to this matter, that's why this is I want to promote; the Kingdom Living.

The Kingdom of God promises salvation and eternal life. As we repent of our sins and receive forgiveness we can leave our old life behind and step to His kingdom. It is a kingdom of righteousness where we receive the blessings of heaven on earth in exchange for our selfishness and our worldly values. Here we have the power of the Holy Spirit to enable us to change from worldly to kingdom values. No longer are we at the center of our world, which is very lonely and dangerous place. As we seek His kingdom and place Him at the center of our lives, so He promises that all the needs we worry so much about will be provided by a Father who knows exactly what we really need.

God's gift of sexuality was given for the purpose of procreation and recreation only. Recreation is the giving of intense and deep pleasure to one another with which we are bound in the relationship of one flesh by marriage, and not with all and sundry but only with our one flesh partner. If we are promiscuous, it is though the "one fleshness" becomes diluted. We seem to leave parts of our "inner selves" scattered in different places with many different people. Flee from sexual immorality. It says in 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, do you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God; therefore honoring God with your body. This is Kingdom Sexuality conforming Kingdom Living.

If we live God's way we will put God first. Matthew 6:33. Seek first the Kingdom of God. We will turn away from our sin, Matthew 3:2; repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is near. Follow Kingdom Sexuality by enjoying it with our marriage partner, 1 Corinthians 6:18; flee from sexual immorality.

For homosexuals like me, homosexual acts like same sex relationship is the sin and God hates the sin not the homosexuals. Through Jesus Christ, a gay can restore his sexuality into its original state and be an ex-gay. I'll talk more about it on my next post coz like I've said this is my spiritual warfare that I need to win all the time.

If we all live this way HIV/AIDS will stop and we can give the future generation a world without it. Kingdom Living is God's answer to HIV/AIDS.

I'm Not At Risk - Am I?

That's the title of the book written by Joy and Ray Thomas, it's about HIV/AIDS and the best defense of mankind against it which is Kingdom Living.

Before I tell you about how's my spiritual battle going on, which is to return my distorted sexuality to its original state as created by God, let me discuss to you my thoughts and the knowledge I have acquired from this book as well as the current situation of HIV/AIDS in the Philippines and a little on the global perspective.

Everyone is at risk most especially if there's lack of knowledge about HIV. This disease is considered to be sexually transmitted because more often than not, you can get it through sexual intercourse which is the most common mode of transmission. Blood to blood contact through transfusion or sharing of contaminated needles is also one way how a person can be infected. Another is the mother to child transfer of virus either in the womb, at childbirth or through breastfeeding. In my case, it was through sexual intercourse, having a promiscuous lifestyle and multiple partners. In some countries including the Philippines HIV has been mainly in the homosexual population, but worldwide, it is overwhelmingly a heterosexual disease.

The reality about HIV/AIDS that everyone should be aware of is that at the moment there is no cure for it and it is lethal. Though there is an anti retro-viral therapy available which gives the patients more years of active life, still it's not a cure. The other reality to be faced is that HIV does lead on into AIDS. The occasional patient who has not yet developed full-blown AIDS like me and most of the found cases right now is very much the exception not the rule. The fact is that if you are HIV positive you will at some stage die with AIDS. However, it is also true that if we will change our sexual behaviour, whether you're gay or straight, then AIDS can be stopped!

When a person is infected with the HIV virus, the body begins to produce the antibodies that are specific for that virus alone. However, it takes up to three months before there are enough specific anti bodies in the blood stream to show up in HIV tests. The time between the times of infection until such time that the blood will be positive for antibodies is called the window period. The time that we test for HIV antibodies is when this period is over. It was not applicable to my case because its part of the whole medical exam for my visa application but the result was positive already. So before I started taking ARV treatment 8 months after that, I got myself tested again to ensure that I am really positive because ARV has serious side effects and some of them are fatal that's why it has a trial period of 2 weeks and must be observed up to 18 months.

Normal reactions to a positive HIV are fear, anger, and guilt. There is also an issue of stigma and confidentiality. Fear can be of illness itself, fear of death, or even fear that a previously hidden sexual relationship may now be made known. There is also fear of loss, of health, job and earnings, home or family, relationship, future, and of death. All of these occurred to me before, especially when I lost my future that is the greener pasture in Australia. Now, I have overcome all of these fears somehow through Jesus Christ. Anger will come also, it could be anger to that person who infected you for the reason that it could be he or she knew already and he did not inform you. It could be anger to oneself for being unwary and irresponsible. I thought about it for a brief moment but in the end it was still me to blame, whether I was deliberately infected or not did not matter at all, besides I will never know and I should be responsible to the consequences of my actions. There is also guilt, in my case because of my promiscuity my family suffers emotionally and perhaps later financially coz we're not wealthy. Thank God for He had given me a very understanding and supportive family and not anyone could have that. The issue of stigma and confidentiality is also present. Due to lack of knowledge and correct information on HIV, people tend to reject those who are infected and this happens most of the time. That's why most patients keep it to themselves and hide it. This could be avoided only if the general level of education about HIV/AIDS was higher. This is also the reason why confidentiality is required to hospitals and to us, there's actually a law governing confidentiality on this matter and anyone who violates it commits a crime and is punishable by that law.

Counseling is imperative to HIV/AIDS patients. There should be pre-test counseling and it is necessary to explore the reason for the test and explain its implications. Knowledge on the disease can be checked as well as to what the test is through this. The reason for testing should be identified; the implications of the result and the medical care and social support available should be discussed also during the pre-test counseling. A post test counseling must take place as well especially if the result is positive, so medical appointments can be arranged, immediate concerns can be identified such as dealing with it and who they turn to for support, to whom and what the patient might tell, how to maintain a healthy lifestyle and not infecting others, questions must be encouraged, reactions of shock, disbelief, and anger must be reassured that they are very common, and most importantly is the follow-up. None of these took place in my experience coz the test was required, but it should be followed especially after the result. Receiving a positive HIV test result is like receiving a death sentence, however, far in the future that death may be. That's why availability of counseling is really important to avoid possible suicide attempt of the patient. I must confess that I thought about it several times, thinking on how am I gonna do it. Good thing that I have a friend who referred me to a social support that eventually lead me to my current Christian doctor and hospital who provides everything to me. So I was saved, and honestly I don't think I can do it actually.

According to Joy and Ray Thomas, HIV can be stopped and all these issues and problems can be avoided. Their solution has not been explored yet in my opinion because a lot of patients I knew still continue to engage in casual sex using condom but that is not the solution. Using a condom does not protect anyone coz it might break and the fluid from the body might leak putting the person in a perilous condition. So how can it be stopped? Through change in sexual behavior is an option but God's answer is Kingdom Living.

I'll talk about it on my next post.

My Journey To Jesus Christ 1st Part

Prior to the decision of eventually submitting and entrusting my whole life to Lord Jesus Christ and accepting Him as my personal Lord and Saviour, my life was in a total darkness, emptiness, loneliness, and yes, truly meaningless after accepting the fact that my so called life has been sentenced by that medical result. Apparently, I am a dead-man walking and trying to appear alive doing the things normal people would normally do. I was still employed that time. My life was totally lifeless for the next two months after that realization. As previously posted, I have no idea what to do after accepting the bad news and digested it into my system. I have confessed this dilemma to some few trusted friends and I was so blessed for they accepted and did not judged me. One of them even helped me out to refer to her friend working in a non-government organization that helps people like me. I thought about committing suicide for several times. I even pictured myself lying on the way of the train waiting for it to come and finally end my life for more than a couple of times. I just can't do it because I have seen how painful it was for my parents to loose a son when my brother took his life. Simply, I just can't do it because I am well aware that it is a mortal sin to take one's life especially my own life! I think this is the real reason why God has allowed that tragic event in our family to happen a few years ago, to made me realize all of these and not do it to myself.

The first doctor I have talked to about my health condition told me that there's an organization consists of people living with HIV or PLWH who can relate to me and gives me moral support that I will need. She introduced me to the president of Pinoy Plus Association Inc. He helped me to get access for free medical check-up in this government hospital in Manila, where I met the Christian doctor who guided me on my search to the true meaning of life which will eventually lead to Lord Jesus Christ.

Our immune system is the ultimate target once the HIV virus entered into our body. You can never tell who is positive to the virus just by looking at person physically unless he or she will tell you. If you're going to look at me most probably you would not believe that I am positive simply because I look perfectly healthy. Like I said in my previous blog, I have nice body built due to regular work out, nice healthy skin, and I weighs exactly just right for my height and age. To determine my current health status, I was asked to do the CD4 test. This lab test will show the count of CD4 cells which composed the immune system and ascertains if it's time for me to the take anti-retroviral drugs or ARV. This medicine will prolong the life of an HIV patient for it diminishes the increase of virus in the body hopefully to the point that it can no longer be detected when a viral load test is done. That's the test which defines how much virus a person has in his body; it's quite expensive though and better be done after a year of taking ARV. By the world standard, a person with a CD4 count of 350 and below is required to take the ARV. It's still the patient's prerogative if he wants to start taking the medicine coz it has numerous side effects, but the higher the CD4 count like 200-350 the better coz the lesser side effect a person can get or sometimes nothing. Besides, a lot of counseling session from the doctor is required to discuss everything such as the real deal with HIV, ARV and its side effects, do's and don'ts, and other concerns. According to my CD4 test, I need to start taking the medicine coz the result of my lab test was 331 so I have decided already after weighing the pros and cons. It's a lifetime medication so the best judgment must be made. The reason why it took me 5 or 6 counseling session was, my doctor insisted me to tell my condition to my parents. At first, I was so firm with my decision to handle everything all by myself and not telling it to anyone especially to my family. Eventually, I was convinced by her and also I realized that they have all the right to know for the simple reason that they are my family no matter what so I told them. I told it to my sister first, of course she cried, and requested her to give my letter where I told everything to our parents. Sorry but I can't afford to see them hurting because of what happened to me that's why I opted to mention every details of it through a letter, in that way I will not miss out anything. It was 8 months after I was diagnosed when I have finally decided to break the bad news to my sister, then to my parents. I was in Manila coz I am still working that time when they got the letter so when I came home a week after, we never talked about it but I was surprised when they replied with a letter also. Well, we're not the type of family who are so blatant of what we feel or what we think. We all know that we really loved each other; it's just that we're not vocal and showy about it. The content of my parent's letter, well they wrote to me separately, was enough for me to face this dilemma dauntlessly. The line where my father told me that he's willing to take my place if that disease can only be transferred brought so much tears to my eyes and my mother reassured their love for me through that reply. Praise the Lord! I was blessed with a very understanding, caring, and loving family!

June 2007, I started the trial of ARV for 14 days and nothing has happened to me. No side effects have occurred, not until on the 20th day when I was home already. For the next 10 consecutive days, every morning and evening after eating my meal I just threw them up. Most of the time, I was nauseated and felt weak. After those 10 days, I felt better and my feeling went back to normal. Aside from my doctor's advice to quit my call center job with unhealthy working schedule, I was forced to resign due to my absences. Well, that was the worst side effect I have experienced so far after taking ARV for more than 9 months now. Currently, the side effect which occurring to me is the skin irritation and peeling around my finger nails on hands and feet. I thought it was syphilis but after the test, it was not.

August 2007 when I have started to bum around, I just stayed at home with my parents. My regular check up is once a month every Thursday to see if there are possible opportunistic infections and to get the ARV. So far, aside from that skin problem I mentioned I am very well ok. During this idle time of my life when I began to contemplate on everything I have been through ever since I became independent and took control of my life. I came to a realization that all my actions and decisions have been motivated by my stupid ambition to be wealthy, to be recognized, and to find a partner. But most of the time, I was driven by my desire to have more money! Well, I just want to give my parents somehow a luxurious life after all the sacrifices they have done for us children, travel and visit some parts of the world and the country with them, to have a condo unit of my own and a car, and probably my own business. There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but I was so consumed by all of these desires that somehow I forgot about God! Yes I have thanked Him and asked forgiveness every time I prayed to Him every night, but I guess it was not enough.

Every time I visit my Christian doctor for my check up and counseling, she always asked how I am. I told her that I believe there's a reason why this horrible thing happened to me and I was so determined to discern that reason.

Series of Unfortunate Events

HIV positive! It did not surprise me that much but it was the last thing I have expected! I knew I had a few unprotected sexual encounter that's why it was really possible coz I did not know too well those guys I had encountered with. Well, my initial reaction was to wail to God and asked why me? I never hurt anyone nor stepped on to anyone just to get what I want. I have showed respect and kindness to everyone especially to my family and friends, I have stolen nothing, and I never killed anyone. Most of all, I showed respect to God. (Or did not I really?).When I was a kid, I go to church every Sunday and as often as possible when I was working. I always pray every night to give thanks to God, and ask for His forgiveness for the wrong I have done. But what went wrong for me to deserve this? There were lot of homosexuals, or let me call it perverts out there, who were far worst than what I did but why me? For a couple of minutes I was so mad at God that I even reprimanded Him! But then I realized that I was wrong and should not have done that so I immediately asked for His forgiveness, said sorry, and prayed even harder to take care of me. Look, it was my last hope to have a better life and it will never happen because of that stupid HIV!

My first job was great when it comes to salary and benefits but most of the time my work itself sucks. So when the company had decided to cut the overhead cost, they offered an early separation package to those who will voluntarily resign. It was lucrative in a way plus I have savings, not to mention that I am still young and now with job experience for almost 4 years, so I thought it would be better for me to take this chance. Confident that there will be a lot of opportunity for me out there so I resigned. And now, I can try the things I have dreamed about like modeling and putting up my own business, or went abroad if things did not worked out. When I was out from that company, I realized that it was a big mistake and that would be the first of the series of these unfortunate events in my life. It happened in mid 2002.

Back in June 2001, my younger brother took his own life with a gun shot to his head leaving us without any reason why he did that awful thing. This was the first tragic event in the family and I saw how painful it was to my parents especially to my mother coz he's graduating that time in college and he's so young at 20. I even helped my mother to send him to college. Later on, the question why it was happened to us has been somehow answered.

The business I put up with a friend turned out to be futile and I lost almost less than 200,000 for that. I thought if you have the money, it would be easy to put up a business but I was so wrong. It's imperative that it should be your heart's desire and also it would be something that you will be proud of and I was not. Aside from the business technicalities, I also learned that there are people who are meant to be entrepreneurs and I am not one of them. Well, obviously, it cost me a lot to learn those lessons and it's the second in the series. This was in 2003.

In addition, I have learned as well that when you have lots of money time is really gold. So instead of putting most of what I've got in a conservative investment, with the help of trusted friends, I put more than half of it to a risky business deal and later we found out that it was a pyramiding scam. That's the next in the series, and I literally cried for what I've lost. This was in 2003 also.

Then before my first business venture ended, I enrolled myself in a modeling school and started to do some mall fashion shows, promotional tour in bars, go-sees, VTRs for commercial and corporate events. After 3 years of doing this, my modeling career did not take off as I expected so I have decided to give it up and became the fourth in the series. My modeling career started in late 2002 and ended up on the last quarter of 2005.

The reason why I opted to try these things was, I have always wanted to be a professional model and/or a businessman. If I will not try doing such things that time, when will I gonna do it? I don't want to end up asking myself in the future, "what if I tried this? What do I think would happen? Will I be successful? Famous or not?". So might as well try it then and find out the answers than wait for another opportunity, in which I am unsure if there will be another opportunity or that time still will come.

Like I mentioned on my previous blog, I have applied for an immigrant visa for Australia hoping to start a new life there and try to recover all the money I've lost for the past years. While waiting for the whole process to be completed I have decided to get myself employed in a call center which started in early 2006. In the last quarter of the same year, the immigration lawyers asked me to have my medical to be completed so that they can release my visa as soon as possible. Then the fifth unfortunate event in my life took place, according to my medical result, I am HIV positive!

For the next two months after that terrible medical result, I have felt like I am a dead-man walking because I opted to continue working and live my life normally as if nothing happened. After that grieving moment to God and accepted the fact that I am sick and I'll be dead in 12-18 years, I realized that I need to be responsible for the consequences of my actions. After all it's my fault; I became promiscuous and did not take the necessary precautions knowing all the risk. I have violated the biblical law so I guess I deserved this punishment, yes that's what I thought. But it was not, it became the way for me to search for the real meaning of life and it will be God's way of saying, "son we need to talk".

The last in the series of these misfortunes was, when my doctor asked me to resign from my call center job coz the working hours is now a threat to my health. For the reason that I want to live longer and make the most out of it and finally decided to look for the purpose of my life, I did resigned. Now it had given me so much time to contemplate on things and eventually decided to turn over a new leaf and make that big change in my life......to follow the Lord Jesus Christ.