HIV, Homosexuality or SSA, and Me

In the past couple of months, and again this month, the Lord has constantly placed me in the forefront of His works through these ministries. This explains why it took me a while before I make an entry again in this journal after some time.

Nearly after nine years of working and praying through Channels of Hope (CoH) for evangelical churches to get involved in the HIV&AIDS advocacy, it has finally happened! Well, that was said by my very close friend and mentor of this work. In fact, she supported my travel to Davao last July to share God’s faithfulness, His story of grace through me, to His anointed leaders from all over the country. At the 32nd Philippines Council of Evangelical Churches (PCEC) national assembly, I was given a 45-minute opportunity. Fully relying on God’s wisdom and guidance, I must say that it was the most satisfying, short but precise, and most powerful message I have shared in my entire HIV career! And I thank and praise Lord Jesus for that. 

The issue of homosexuality or same-sex attraction (SSA) is never too far to be a part of the message. It is the cross I got to take daily. After receiving truly mean and outrageously judgmental comments during and after my guesting at DZAS the following week, it became a very strong issue at the CoH workshop that my friend and I have facilitated. Together we went to her best friend’s church somewhere in Camarines Sur to conduct a two-day CoH HIV workshop for their pastors. Regardless of these “tensions”, as always, God never fails to end His works on a very positive, heartwarming notes. The leaders were all grateful for the enlightenment and knowledge they have learned and moved to do something about these issues in their respective areas. God is amazing, is not He? 

Two more things are worth mentioning. Prior to our trip to that workshop, another CoH workshop was held in Naga City for this particular LGU. What amazing was, for the first time, a mayor of the town has not only attended! He also participated in the whole two-and-a-half-day event! Truly his presence graced this learning event. 

Of course, this journal would not be complete without talking about the wonderful experience that my friend and I have experienced. Before that workshop I mentioned above, our host – the best friend of my friend, and her family have treated us to an island hopping in Caramoan! Despite the sunburn and tiresome road trip, witnessing and enjoying the wonderful creation of God was all worth it! What an awesome way to spend that weekend! And what a privilege and a blessing indeed, which comes along with these services accomplished ... all for God’s honor and glory!

Towards the end of August, I will be sharing again God’s story of love, grace, and work in and through my life. Your prayers and support are highly appreciated. Shalom, everyone!

The 700 Club, Logos Hope & NCE

 

Few major things have happened in the past month until last week and the key words as to what are those can be read from the title.

It was my first time to be interviewed on national TV via 700 Club Asia about my journey and struggles with SSA that was aired on second week of Julyat GMA News TV. At first, I thought I got invited to share my views on the Anti-SOGI Discrimination bill but when I got on the set and read the script I was shocked! But then I realized perhaps it was the time the Lord has set for it to happen so it felt like God has set me up for a good purpose without a warning! Asking my friends and prayer to cover me with prayers and the Holy Spirit to lead me, it went very well indeed.

The host Peter Kairuz and the former beauty queen Miriam Quiambiao were the interviewers. Basically I was able to share how I have come up with my decision to “deny” myself and try hard to live the life God has called me for, which is to turn away from the “gay” life. And since it is a Christian program, my views on homosexual issues were the big part of that conversation. Positive feedbacks were received from all the community I am connected with including the former ones. A few of them told me that I was like a professor giving lectures to the two interviewers hahaha! Most importantly, I got some supports and very good comments from my family and relatives.Also, this debut on TV has revealed the real me to old friends and former classmates during high school and college days thus I can say, “I am truly out!”They were all proud of me actually praise God!

For the fourth time since 2012, I have visited the Logos Hope ship docked at San Fernando, La Union and shared the story God has written on my life for the second time to this whole community of young Christian missionaries from all over the world. Not only I have done devotion and workshops on homosexuality but I was also able to do a one on one focused conversation than counseling with some of the ship’s crew. So glad to hear that they were truly blessed with everything I have shared and encouraged to face theirself-issues. This was the part I really enjoyed during this stay. Moreover, I was able to make a new best friend out of my Scottish host from Edinburgh and made friends with his friends and some of the Filipino visitors and volunteers. Similarly, not only they were proud of me but impressed and blessed too with the work God has been doing through my life.

Closely fourteen days after I left the ship, I took the board for NCE or National Counselors Examination to become a licensed practitioner or Registered Guidance Counselor or RGC. Despite of the several challenges we have faced such as time constraint reviewing, application for examination and uncertainties from Professionals Regulations Commission or PRC as to whether our program and school will be approved to take the exam, almost all of us who took from the our school passed the exam! On top of that, one of us placed fifth overall! Personally this is a miracle and truly all by His grace alone for this is how exactly what I have been praying from the beginning of our intention to take the licensure examination. Now my masters’ degree did not only give me a “Pastoral Counselor” ministry title but also earned me a license as RGC. It was really unbelievable for we found the exam difficult like it was impossible to pass especially if you were not able to study well almost 75% of the content. But this is another proof that if you yield everything, trusts and let God…His will prevails! What an unforgettable experience! So to all who prayed for and with us, from the bottom of my heart, my deepest thanks!

So what’s next? Well I need to focus now with our newly formed counseling center and attend to several commitments on seminars, workshops, and counseling that all were put on hold for this NCE. Another thing that happened in the Logos Hope ship, somebody told me…. again…to write a book on my story so I am still praying if it is really one of the direction God is setting me up for. Hmmm not a bad idea so we’ll see, I might start thinking about it seriously. 

Me in Kanazawa Port Japan with Logos Hope

 

Mt. Tateyama

Devotion

Last time I mentioned about my mission going to Japan and below how this trip went on.

Truly this trip last May 15-27 was all God’s since day one. From the denial of my scholarship to International AIDS Conference in Australia, to receiving this email invitation from a friend who extended his work at the ship, to the processing of VISA and getting it surprisingly in three days, to the smooth and safe travel, the whole workshop, the nerve-wracking devotion, down to the feedback and heart-warming responses of the people up to the last minute were simply awesome that I have felt God’s hands in each and every step of the way in accomplishing this project.

When I arrived at the ship and met the whole team, they have told me that they were all praying for the VISA and for my safe travel. Obviously it worked! As for the project, which is called S-Project where S stands for Sex or Sexuality, it was a combination of morning devotions and workshop on issues around S such as gender, marriage, purity, lust and other stuff with more focus on homosexuality. We did an approximately twelve one-hour workshop on SSA or same-sex attraction where I have to share my journey and personal struggles with the goal of helping them to understand how a person with SSA struggles from the beginning up to the present. Also we have discussed the practical ways of dealing with people who has SSA as Christians or God’s people. I did the biblical perspectives on homosexuality in my morning devotion where, again, I got wonderful positive responses. Literally, I felt like speaking before nations for my audience were missionaries from different parts of the world. Although, there was a point towards the last few days where I felt the stress of giving out myself through being honest and open with my life journey for more than 200 people that I want to cry. Yes I was getting great feedback and encouraging responses but I realized the this form of “self-emptying”, if done several times in a day or two, can be really stressful! But then again, I felt the Lord was just there to help me go through with all these by sending people just to talk with and pray for me and most of them were couples or families! There was a certain group of participants, the engine men of the ship whom I see as the tough strong men as a man with SSA get usually intimated with, where I got more like of an affirmation from the Lord. One tough guy said, “you are the real man of God” for my openness, honesty and courage to be real to them. I heard exactly the same feedback from another engine guy later on. What an affirmation from God! Young and old, single and married, struggling with SSA or not, came to me just to say how blessed they were, ask questions, seek little counseling, or even just having a mere conversation. There were people who wish to see all, including leaders, to walk without our masks on and it was a blessing for them to see someone as truthful and vulnerable as I am. I have visited and stayed in the ship a couple of times already but it was the longest time I have stayed in the ship and this one has given me a bit heavy heart when I left. God has greatly done an amazing job through us.

According to some of the leaders and few people, my visit was very timely that it was about time to talk about these issues that still apparently affect our life as God’s servants. Understanding the struggle of each persons, creating a safe environment for people to be honest and open, and bearing or struggling with one another were the key messages left in the hearts of people, which will all help to have a victorious walk with Jesus as we serve His kingdom. Truly, God uses our weaknesses and struggles for His glory that is why He is not taking some of them away.

On a lighter side of this trip, one Filipina missionary brought us to this world cultural heritage called Hida Shirakawago, a very nice and peaceful village where a 400-year-old Kanda House can be found. Unexpectedly, she also took us to Mt. Tateyama through Tateyama Kurobe Alpine Route where I got to see snow-ice formation up to the top of this mountain very close. Although I was not able to touch it for it was raining when we went there but at least I got to see for the first time snow ice! This was a beautiful surprise indeed so thank you Lord!

Before I left, they told me that they want me back next year to do it again. I guess we all have to wait for God’s signal on that. I surmise, like my friend said few days before I depart for Japan, with this unique calling God will surely carry me through. And like him, they have seen God in my eyes. Thank you to all who prayed for this trip and Lord this was all for your honor and glory. Praise God! Shalom!

P.S.

This coming Saturday, I will be doing the same workshop to this church in Manila for a group of young people. Please kindly pray for me. Thanks.

Sexual Healing

This book written by David Kyle Foster is truly a biblical guide to finding freedom from sexual sin and brokenness!

He talked about the specific sexual sin areas such as the cause of homosexuality confusion, child sexual abuse, sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation. Also he discussed what brings healing to all this sexual brokenness. These comprise the second part of the book.

Laying the foundations for healing sexual brokenness was covered on the first part as well as the root sources for aberrant sexual development and the divine intent for sexuality.

I was appalled by the revelations I got for myself while reading it. First, I know I am living under grace but not completely to my astonishment! For more than two years of my journey with Christ, I've been praying for deliverance from this struggle and purity when actually I don't really and utterly want it. This explains my habit of entertaining good looking guys and past unforgettable sexual encounters occasionally in my head as well as the hidden desire to try other "stuff which I have not tried" on sex before changing fully. What a self-deception!

Second, I have finally acknowledged that I am obeying God because I was supposed to and not because I wanted to. This is being performance oriented rather than living totally by His grace!

Lastly, this book made me comprehend what idolaters really is and why do we keep giving in to temptations with those foolish and unequivocally non-biblical justifications for those actions. Now I know what God truly is saying in Romans 1:22-28 and why I keep on falling. This realization was intensified with last Sunday's preaching about "Lordship", that Jesus must be the only one Lord of our life. He must not be contending with others especially with our own selves!

Evidently, God revealed all these things to me and I was bewildered and feel so lost at first. But I am glad He did and I am thankful because now I have changed my prayer and became more conscious if what I am saying to God is actually what's inside my heart. I am asking Him to renew a steadfast spirit within me and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me and change wholly, Psalms 51:10-12.

I have decided to believe in God's grace and live out of it instead of just trying to perform to earn God's favor by trying to obey Him because I want to. As a Christian, all my actions and decisions must be simply motivated by love, love for our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.

With faith and hope, one day I believe God will deliver me completely from this SSA struggle, from this brokenness and any related "dirty habit" that I will not go back. Those toxic, filthy rags I'd been holding onto will be replaced with something that is infinitely more valuable such as a glorious robe of righteousness.

The prime directive in accomplishing this is developing an intimate relationship with God. In that place of intimacy, God reveals to us the hidden mysteries of bondage and imparts power to us to overcome sin. I already have experienced this. I just need to strengthen it and choose to love Jesus more. In God's perfect time, I will become the man that He wanted me to be in the name of Jesus.

God is a God of second chances. 2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9.

Root Cause

I had my one on one with my spiritual counselor last week and then I talked and opened up my life to our church leader and it revealed me two things. Though I am well aware of these things, it's just this time only when I realized that it is really deep and should be fixed as soon as possible. It's not that easy that's why I am praying to God on this.

My struggle as a Christian is my same sex attraction and the flashbacks of my past life that comes along with it from time to time. It's like a war or battle in the mind that sometimes triggers my sexual or physical desires to burn up. I became HIV positive because of my homosexual struggle which I thought at first that engaging into gay lifestyle will free myself and make me happy only to end up empty, depressed, dirty and worst of all sick with a life-threatening disease. Now that I am living a Christian life and doing God's work in a ministry, I came to a realization that I need to address these two things which I am pretty sure will greatly affect positively to my healing sexually.

First thing I realized is that I have experienced those difficulties and failures because of disobedience to God and not having a personal relationship with Him, though I have mentioned this in my previous postings already. Now that I have surrendered my life and accepted the Lord as my personal Lord and Savior 7 months ago to be exact, the second thing I realized that I need to restore is my relationship to my father and then eventually to the whole family. These are the root cause of everything that happened to me and it's alright because in God's time everything will be restored the way it should be.

I praise and thank the Lord for turning my life upside down, shifting it to a 180 degrees turn. I am now enjoying my life as a Christian and happy doing God's work or ministry while blessing other people's lives every time I give my testimony to them whether on HIV & AIDS workshop that I am doing or on TV or radio invitations. I am glad and blessed that God send people into my life that will help me live the kind of life He wanted me to be.

I pray that the Lord will help me and continue to shower me with the blessings of His wisdom and courage to carry out His works. Also I pray that He will make a way and touch the lives of other HIV positive people I know to come to God and build a relationship with Him through Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

What Is Bagong Pag-asa?

Bagong Pag-asa is a Christ-Centered Ministry designed to help people struggling with homosexuality leave their past lifestyle and to fully embrace their true identity in Jesus Christ.

Bagong Pag-asa or BP has two principal goals. One is to rescue which means to present the truth to all who listen. It means to nurture those who will surrender to the will of the Lord Jesus Christ, befriending them and pointing the way to change. Two is to prepare a place which means to educate the church on how to meet the needs of those making such a life-altering decision through special seminars for counselors and Christian workers.

BP upholds God's standard of righteousness and holiness which declares homosexuality is sin, but also affirms that His love and redemptive power is able to bring wholeness and restoration to the entire individual, including his or her sexuality.

It is BP's wish that former homosexuals find a home in the Christian family called the church. There they will find new relationships to replace those relationships that were so destructive to their lives.

Group meeting for men provide support, new friendships and godly healing relationships, not built on sensuality. Support group meetings are run regularly.

BP began at the 1990 Exodus Conference held San Antonio, Texas when Frank and Anita Worthen were appointed missionaries to the Philippines. The ministry began in 1991 and was turned over to Filipino leadership in 1994.

BP Ministries is located at: 10-M Burgundy Corporate Tower
252 Sen. Gil Puyat Ave. Makati City
(632) 886 4441
www.bagongpagasa.org
info@bagongpagasa.org

Homosexuality Part 14

Walking In The Light

Now that I have shared to you every chapter of the book "This Way Out" by Frank Worthen as well as my own "gayness", I hope you will have now a better understanding why you have become queer and why do we need to step out of it and restores our original sexuality. We're down to the final step which is walking in the light. In this chapter, I will talk about Jesus so if this may sound or read religious and preachy it's inevitable this time.

Jesus is known as the "light" as He is the "light" of men. Walking in the light has much to do with the conduct of our lives. If you have believed everything you have read in this blog about homosexuality and decided to leave it, ask forgiveness and accept Him as your personal Lord and Savior; it must be your heart's desire now to be like Him. If we walk in the Holy Spirit we will not gratify the flesh. This is a walk of faith, trusting that God has provided for us a way out for all temptations and trials.

Walking in the light is like desiring to be like Jesus and being faithful and loyal to Him. It is also seeking to become a mature Christian, shrinking from sexual vice, controlling one's body in purity and ordering our conversation.

We must know how to handle temptations and build new responses on it. When we are tempted, it is important that we stop everything and ask ourselves these questions: What am I doing? Where will this lead? What do I really want? In doing so, we will be less likely to make an unwise and impulsive decision that we will regret later. We will find that we really don't want to jeopardize all that God has done for us by engaging in some personal sexual encounter. The agony of temptation is in the indecision. We want it, but we can't have it. If we build a pattern of indecision, we will always have to go through the torments that ambivalence brings. There is always a split second where we can accept or reject the temptation so we must make a very fast judgment.

Speaking of sexual encounter, of course we must avoid that now and any form of sexual activity including masturbation. Since masturbation is usually fueled by lustful thoughts and dirty fantasies, it automatically becomes a sin. There is a natural build-up of stored fluid in the reproductive system and it brings strong desire for sexual release, so how on earth are we going to do that with no sinful encouragement behind it? God designed our bodies and He has provided natural way for release of these fluids. It is not mentioned in the book what natural way but a friend of mine told me that it could be the wet dreams and the other is sex in marriage when you're ready. If we are walking in the Spirit, we will have the patience and self-control we need during those times. As for me, I have chosen to celibate and somehow I am happy about it. Like I have said, I don't know until when I can do this but I think God is working on it.

Receiving affirmation from same sex Christians is part of walking in the light and it includes affection but up to what extent? For us coming out of the gay lifestyle, touching means stimulation and sensuality; which stems from a non sexual root from early childhood when we're denied this form of affection. For this reason, we might avoid at all costs any kind of intimate relationship. Affection is a vital part of the healing process so we must face the hugging or any skin to skin contact without sensualizing it. All we need is to trust God that He is going to make it possible for us to receive this kind of affection.

Our goal now is to grow up as a Christian struggling in same sex attraction. This is the only way to find inner peace and joy that will carry us through many hardships and it only comes from obedience. If we did not grow up, we are in great danger of slipping back. So expect suffering for being obedient coz it will help us grow mature. Walking in the light is walking in wisdom, forsaking the easy way and doing what pleases God. It is trying to be Holy for without holiness no one will see the Lord. Holiness is obedience to God.

You will be called now a new name; it is no longer "slave" or "prisoner" of this world but a "freed man." Walking in the light means now you are under the authority and the power of God, controlled by the Holy Spirit. We don't have to wait until we no longer have any response for same sex people for God has broken our relationship with the past. Things are different now and will never be the same again.

Walking in the light is acknowledging that God has changed us, is in the process of changing us, and will continue to change us until we stand beside Him. We are to rejoice in what God has done for us.

Homosexuality Part 13

Displacement

Sorry for the interruption of the series on homosexuality, I just can't ignore everything that happened to me yesterday so albeit I'm a bit tired and sleepy I have posted it here last night.

After submission, displacement is the next step. It means putting off old ways that will affect the change that you want and putting on new ways or things that will greatly help us to really change. Displacement is the idea that one thing pushes out or dislodges another.

I know it is impossible to simply put something out of our lives without another thing taking its place for there is no neutral ground; we are in a battleground of two opposing forces. But please also think that you have the brain to determine which is right from wrong or which is evil from good. Since you have decided to leave homosexuality, you need to remove all things in your life that has something to do with this lifestyle and replace it with something new. Yes it will definitely include leaving gay friends which I exactly did, especially those who are saying that I can not do it. I have replaced them with new Christian friends who are in the same situation like mine; who will help me to be triumphant in this walk with Jesus Christ.

You need to stop chatting through guys4men or other gay websites, throw away all your collections of gay porn magazines, DVD or VCD; stop cruising in the mall for SEB and going to gay bars. You need to remove in your life everything that contributes to your gay lifestyle and replace it with new things. What are these new things? I think I have mentioned them in Part 6 and these are bible study, prayer, fellowship and service, concern for others, and scripture memorization. It is God's words that we used against temptations. It is also vital that we have both spiritual and social interaction with our fellow Christians. Social times must not be neglected but only with the right people.

A change of mind must also be done. Feed your mind with stuff that will help you grow as a new you to displace your old mind frame. Returning to old haunts, listening once again to gay conversations, remembering past sexual encounters; all this brings on hopelessness, a feeling of failure that things will never really change. Even if a sexual encounter has not taken place, just returning to the old environment exposes one to vibes which can strongly influence and reinforce old attitudes and desires.

Remember always that God always forgives us when we stumble, but this does not waive the penalty that our actions have brought upon us; displacement is clearly our responsibility. Ambivalence must be seen as an enemy to change so the option of homosexuality must be firmly closed.

The book also said that the music you listen to should be replaced also, at first I disagreed. But when I listened to Christian music that expresses praise, joy and the power of God, there is a great healing. It gives new positive associations that build our faith. Just give up worldly music that contains explicit sexual languages and just listen to wholesome songs ok? As for me, I love and enjoy Christian music now whether you believe it or not.

Self-pity indicates self-centeredness. You should wholeheartedly follow the first commandment which is to love God above all. Put God on the throne and not our lives for putting self on the center destroys our lives. God must be our first priority and His interests. If that happens, much healing takes place.

Immaturity must be changed to maturity. We should not avoid the trials that bring growth in our lives, tough decisions must be made. Maturity is standing for the Lord against others at times and often against our own selfish desires. Yesterday our pastor in his preaches told us that in this world, everybody is in two kind of suffering. You can choose to suffer for the Lord just to live righteously or the world suffering which is more of suffering for yourself.

We have not been given a spirit of fear, so fear not for the Lord is with us. We have been given the power over the enemy which is the power of Christ. We are to use this power and not hide in fear, we need to take charge.

Lastly are resentments. Forgiveness includes forgiving others and ourselves as well. Anger, hostility, resentment and the desire for retaliation have no place in the new life that we want which is the Christian life.

Perhaps the hardest thing to put off is the homosexual identity. Remember that we have chosen this identity because this is what we think who we are; but deep inside of our hearts we are really against it. If you think that the gay identity held comfort and security, I don't think you can let it go but it must go now. It must be cast off and the identity "Christian" put on.

Displacement is about building a new lifestyle. As long as we look to the old lifestyle as a source of pleasure, acceptance, entertainment, or an anchor for our identity, change will not take place. The new lifestyle is built on simple things like having a positive spirit and welcoming Jesus into all areas of our lives. It takes more than a small amount of courage to walk into the unknown, face tough decisions and build a dependent relationship with Jesus Christ.

Our lives will change to the degree that we encourage growth, filling our minds with the things of God. If we lack wisdom as to what things need to be changed, God will amply supply that also.

Homosexuality Part 12

Submission

It means yielding and surrendering, or to resist no longer or to give way and to yield to authority and admonition. Submission for a gay person who has decided to step out of it means surrendering himself to God. It means yielding our total selves to Him including our body, our hearts, our mind, our will, our goals and our desires for ourselves. It means allowing God to work on our lives, to take the wheel and lead the path He originally planned us to take. Yes it also means letting Him to take charge of our homosexual issue to make the change we want possible in His time for we cannot do it on our own.

When I had my first sexual encounter, I have felt a sudden guilt. My conscience told me it was wrong and that's the role of our conscience; to make rightful judgment with what we're doing. I just tend to ignore it because I let my flesh desires to take over me and control me for the past 6 or 7 years. Simply I did not obey God and still continued to indulge in lots of casual sex and look what I've got, HIV. It's ok coz it's a consequence of my wrong actions and I need to take responsibility for it, all of us need to. At first I must admit that I have blamed God for letting this to happen and ruined my whole life, but now that I have become a Christian I realized that if only I did not disobeyed Him this horrendous thing would not happen.

Having said that, obedience is also submission. We all know from the start that we should follow God's commandments and His words; instead we opted to live with the standards of this world. We tend to take control of our lives and make self-rule. Based on my experience, my self was not a good ruler and I have learned that our self-rule is far more destructive than our sexual entanglements. Probably you cannot see this for now coz you might be successful or relatively happy as a gay person; but this the reason why God allows us to wallow in our sin until we come to the end of ourselves. That was exactly what happened to me.

Submission is also to acknowledge that we are all God's property; unless you believe that you have evolution from a monkey that I cannot force you. Since we're His property, our lives are His problem and not ours. We stop controlling our lives and letting Him to be responsible for it. It does not mean avoiding responsibility to our selves but it is trusting God.

This may sound scary for you but its quite understandable for stepping into an unknown area is really uncomfortable and really scary. But why do we resist absolute submission to God and refuse Him to allow directing our lives according to His plan? We don't fully trust God and we are sinners. We don't want to give up sex, going to gay bars, watching gay porn movies, cruising in malls or parks and other things we love to do even though we're aware that it was wrong. In short, we want to settle for garbage. These things do not make me really happy and you can ask yourself, so I am trying my best now to avoid all of these. We are worried coz we think that if we do submit ourselves to God and walk with Him, we will have an unhappy life. Well, I cannot say that I am happy now but I can say that I have never felt free and peaceful in my entire life as an adult. Probably because I have some issues that I need to resolve but I am alright and not sad. If you submit to the Lord and obey Him, it means returning some of the love God has showered on us.

So what will happen when you submit? Will you always walk in victory? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. Some have surrendered to the Lord and have never again engaged in homosexual practices or any sexual activities, it was final. God took control, and although they felt temptation from time to time, the power to resist was there in ample proportions; temptation had lost its control. This is true coz sometimes I get tempted to hook up but for some reason, I will avoid it in the end so I won't do it.

Not only are we to submit to God but to His representatives as well like our pastors or spiritual counselors. It's important that we hold accountability to others for they are part of the church that will help us to make this change possible.

Look, all of us will be called by God at a certain point of our life. It's up to us if we're going to respond whether we will accept Him and walk with Him or not. When that time comes, you cannot bypass submission and go on your independent way. Submission is death to self-interest and birth to God's interests. As we build a love relationship with God, obedience will flow from that relationship.

Homosexuality Part 11

The Belief Principle

When you have decided to change and leave homosexuality, you have to believe in yourself that you can do this through God and not with just your own self. After you have received God's forgiveness and accepted Him as your personal Lord and Savior, you have to believe that the change you want is possible. You need to have faith and hope in yourself and in God; yeah I know it sounds easy to say than done but for me it's the only choice I've got if I want to live a happy and normal life. If Frank Worthen have done it, so can I and you.

You need to believe that God has really spoken about homosexuality as a sin. If you are going to open up your bible and read Leviticus and Corinthians, you will find that it is mentioned there a couple of times so believe that it is indeed a sin. I always go back to this bible verses which I mentioned in my previous postings, every time I am being tempted to think about having sex with a guy. Then I will pray that God will continue to protect me.

You also need to know that belief comes from a simple hope, a hope that things might possibly change. If that hope grows, it will become reality. We do not have what it takes to bring it about only if we will place it on Jesus. Hey! I really hate to sound or read so preachy or religious but this is a serious matter. When something is serious, most of the time we turn to Him especially if it is a matter of life and death. So I guess you better live with it man!

In the health services field, it is known that a severely ill patient who is filled with hope has a better chance of survival than a slightly ill patient who is depressed and has lost all hope. Believe it for it's true.

When I have accepted Jesus Christ into my life and asked Him to take charge, I know that I have to change my lifestyle and abandon homosexuality. Did I turn from homosexual to a straight guy in a matter of a few minutes? No, but the foundation was laid and I was filled with hope. I have experienced the changes in me when the Holy Spirit began to work within me. Whether you believe it or not, my sexual desire with men became less that I can manage now to turn away from them when they approach me. Yeah I still tend to get attracted to good looking guys especially with well-built physique but it's just end there. I can now resist the temptation to pursue them and simply just walk away. One day I believe that my prayers to God of changing my view with men will happen.

If you have decided to change but do not believe that it is impossible because of the temptations out there, then it will not going to happen. Disbelief will block all the changes we want to take place and at the same time, it also blocks all that God wants to do in our lives.

Be firm in your belief especially during the tough times for it tests our faith that we can do this with Him. Trusting God with our lives, being assured that change will come and that God will do what the world considers impossible is the kind of belief that you and I should have.

Homosexuality Part 10

Correcting Our Image Of Self

Our own image is quite imperative to the change that we want to achieve; it is definitely included in the process. Now that we knew how valuable we are to God and how we should look and feel for other people, it's time to hold a correct image of ourselves coz it is somehow intertwined with the two. Only when we love God, submit ourselves to Him, share His love to others can we feel right about ourselves. Again, I don't want to sound or read preachy and religious but the spiritual component cannot be overlooked for it is primary consideration. Most of us, if not all of us believe in God so might as well dig into it much deeper for it is the only source of true miracle.

Whether you believe it or not, low self-image or self-esteem is what you have as a homosexual person. Well, that's according to the book and it made me realize that it is true. That is the result of the rejections, ridicule and isolation we often received as we grow up. Most gays tend to cover up this low self-esteem once he have found a group that would accept him and most of the time it is with the homosexual lifestyle.

Significance and security are the two things needed for a good self-image. Significance means that we have worth with what we are and what we do have value. Gays find value or worth with the people with the same sexual orientation though it usually won't last for a long time. Other gays support gay rights causes to justify their identity to be significant. Security can be found in being accomplished in some skill, or simply collecting friends and people that will bring them both value and security. The reality is that, it is not easy to find these things in a gay lifestyle. Usually, you tend to compensate the loss of a secure friendship or relationship with material things. There may be amassing possessions like gadgets, clothing or just wealth in general to silence the deep insecurity or low esteem inside. Others exude arrogance, proud and aggressive attitude to mask low self-esteem. But I guess the worst is when you allow others to determine your self-worth. Gays build up this protection wall to conceal the insecurity that lies within. If you continue to do this for a long time, the consequences will always be failure, depression, and isolation.

I had suffered this consequences after living a homosexual lifestyle for six years, and some of you might still continue to do the same thing coz probably you're still enjoying it. Whether you admit or not, the truth that you feel these things within you whenever you are alone is undeniably there. You just chose not to confront it and simply ignore it, but it will keep hunting you down believe me.

Not because I got infected with HIV, I have decided to stop homosexual activities. In fact it took me more than a year before I have come to that decision. Because of the series of failures I've got, if you have read all my previous postings, depression and isolation; I have started to look for the meaning and purpose of my life because this is not the kind of life I have dreamt of.

In my quest for the true meaning of life, I have found Jesus Christ through my Christian doctor. These failures that I have has directed me towards Him coz Jesus loves failures. It took me these failures to end my self-rule and has become the launching pad of my new overcoming life. Jesus Christ has raised my self-esteem; He's the only one who can clear up the picture we hold of ourselves. I did not have decided to stop doing homosexual stuffs; it just happened when I have accepted God's forgiveness and accepted Him as my personal Lord and Savior. Again I must confess, it's not easy to leave the kind of life I used to live but I am aware that from the start it was wrong and I just have chosen to get into it when I thought it was alright. Unfortunately, that choice led me to devastation, emptiness and depression. Now that I am in the process of change, I always seek Him for guidance and direction especially when temptations are just right there. Temptations are always there and it will never go but as long as I chose to walk away from them I know I'll be safe, it's not easy but God is there to protect me.

Our self worth must come from the value that God has placed on us. It is God's love and the knowledge of this love that will give us a sense of worth and value. After we have come into a right relationship with God, He will use the people of His Body which is the church as His instrument of love, bringing affirmation that we're longing for and healing. Romans 8:31 says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Homosexuality Part 9

Correcting Our Image Of Others

Now if you're convinced that God has an unconditional love for all of us and always ready to forgive all our wrong doings no matter how big or small it is, the next step is for us to hold a correct image of other people.

There must be an admission that our images of other people have been incorrect, warped and twisted by this world and we should put it in a correct perspective. As homosexuals, we must realize that we have selfishly used others for our own gratifications most especially with our own sexual needs. Back in my previous posts, I have tackled that homosexuality has been developed at a very early age and so as with the way we see other people around us. We had image of others distorted by both parental and peer influence and later on the gay lifestyle as well. The way our parents brought us or the way we have witnessed the family relationships has an influence on how we think about ourselves as well as others. For instance, if an emotionally or physically absent father had been in his rightful place, the mother's influence would have been counterbalanced and an unhealthy dependence on mother would not have developed. The parental or family influence on us would be altered much by the peer influence past puberty; for both good and bad, it is a normal part of growing up. Homosexual people usually have had little peer interaction during this stage and have missed much of the crossroads experience with the same sex and opposite sex peer group. Because of this, he will retain many of his parents attitudes and expectations though it wanes when he step out into the real world. When a gay person is already in college or working, this is the point when the gay lifestyle influenced him much of his behavior and the way he thinks and thinks about others.

Having said that, if you have decided to change and be normal expects that there is not going to be any overnight change. Change is a long process and is going to come slowly, I don't want to sound very religious on the postings I make but it's the truth; change will indeed take place through the power of the Holy Spirit or through Jesus Christ. I strongly believed that every person homosexuals or not, always call God when he has a problem or whenever he's down and helpless. So why don't we seek Him sincerely to make the change possible and doable?

To correct our image of other people, we need to forgive all those who have negative influences on our lives including the person who molested us or our emotionally absent fathers or people whom we thought made us gay. It is true that they did greatly affect our life but this does not release us from our responsibility. I know it's hard to forgive but it's possible with God. We can't change our emotions but surprisingly God can. I must admit I used to be emotionally hard on people who have grieved me but I realized that it's a better feeling when you're not carrying any heavy emotions in your heart, suffice to say it's kind of a rewarding.

God has said that He considers His people to be precious jewels and priceless treasures, and so must we. We must hold this view even when others are imperfect and do hurtful things to us. Others are not to be objects of our lust or simply a sex object that will gratifies our sexual need. Again, I know this is difficult but with the Lord it is doable and it will take time before we totally eradicate this kind of feelings to same sex or others.

The second commandment stated that "Love your neighbor as yourself." Neighbor here refers to people around us and we are told to love them as we love ourselves. We must see people through God's eyes that they are all our brothers and sisters in Christ. God loved us before we came to Him and He loves others in the same way. In the bible 1 Corinthians 13, we are told that love is not self-seeking and does not keep records of the wrongs of others and rejoices in truth.

A friend of mine's comment on my postings here is that, it was preachy. As much as I don't want to read or sound like one, it's hard coz I am just speaking or writing about my own experience and what I have learned from Worthen's book. I must confess it's difficult and I am still in the process of the change, that's why I always read the important points of this book and pray very hard. I always pray to God that He change my views on men especially to those who are physically gifted coz I don't want to fall again for it feels very horrendous after.

Remember that Jesus Christ said that, "What you did to others you also did it to me." This thought is sometimes enough for me to keep myself from falling into sexually attractive men.

Homosexuality Part 8

Correcting Our Image Of God

At first, I have no idea what does the author meant by correcting God's image. All I know is that God is the creator of heaven and earth and everything in there including us human, that He is super powerful and nothing is impossible to Him. What Frank meant is that, aside from those facts I mentioned; God has certain qualities which we're not aware of. Qualities that we need to know in order for us to have an intimae relationship with Him and to make the change we want in our life possible.

Without a doubt, much of the world has a corrupted image of God and it is essential to have that image be corrected especially for homosexuals. Back to my previous posts, I have mentioned that homosexuality is not born with us as we originally thought; well that's according to Frank and I believe him. Again, homosexuality rooted from our early childhood and usually caused by emotionally absent father like in my case, growing up fatherless, molestation and other past circumstances that have affected our original sexuality. Ergo, it's not right to blame God that He created us to be gay. In my experience it was my choice to indulge to this kind of lifestyle and self identification and I am pretty sure it's your choice too. We all know that God has created man and woman and no one in between and that is the truth so we need to live with that reality.

We also need to consider that the world we are all living in right now is not the kind of world God has originally intended to create. It became distorted since the time when Eve and Adam disobeyed God and it was the start of all evilness up to present. Why? Have you realized that all the problems we encounter everyday and every evil thing in this world comes from the wrong choices? So as with Adam and Eve and so are we. So it's our choice not to obey God's word, to do everything in our own way, to become homosexual, and now if we want to change; it's also our choice to correct everything that went wrong.

There are lots of God's qualities that we need to consider and very important for us to know for the change we want to happen. These qualities are all according to Bill Bright's book entitled "The Joy of Trusting God." God is all-powerful and nothing is too hard for Him no matter what we might be facing, I guess that is enough reason to entrust our lives to Him and obey Him. God is ever-present; He is everywhere and walks with us, gives us strength and understands our pain. He knows everything about us, our desires, motives, and thoughts. Our Lord knows us perfectly and intimately. God is sovereign for he is the king of all kings. Since He has created all of us, definitely He has already made a plan for us. He has a purpose for each and every one of us and you need to find out what is it. I think I have found mine. God is holy and is the absolute truth. Truthfulness that will free us to live as He has intended, the truth will set us free right? God is righteous and just. He delays His judgment because He patiently provides an opportunity for repentance. God is love; it is absolutely unconditional and merciful. The kind of love close to this we know is the love of a mother for her children. Because He is merciful, He forgives all our sins when we confess them sincerely. Finally, God is faithful. He has promised to be near to all who call upon Him. This is the God, our Father who does not expect us to earn His approval. Once you come to know this Father, your life will never be the same again like mine. Yeah it's hard I must admit but I know God's there for me.

God desires the best for all of us for He already knew us before we were born according to Psalm 139:15. God already has a plan for each and every one of us according to Jeremiah 26:11-14, they are all good plans so becoming homosexual is definitely not a plan for us. Homosexuality enslaves us with our physical and sexual needs, and once we pray to Him to free us from this slavery He will listen and end it in His time. All we need to do is to seek God, accept Him as our personal Lord and Savior, ask forgiveness and repent, He will work in our lives and gives what we need including the change we want to happen. The change is not abrupt like what is going on with my life now but in God's time it will come.

So it is necessary to see God as He really is; His majesty, unlimited power, and everlasting love. Our misconception of God must go for they block God's power from working in our lives. As we desire to fulfill the first commandment, to love God with all our being, He in His great mercy makes this possible.

Homosexuality Part 7

Spiritual Warfare

Of course, if you have decided to leave homosexuality just like what I did there will always be a spiritual warfare going on inside and outside of us. The enemy will not stand idly by while we form a new, godly lifestyle and every step we take will be challenged. He will try to snatch away each truth, bringing doubt, disbelief and confusion. But we need to be reminded constantly that we have been given the authority over the enemy.

We need to think positive all the time that we can do this. Now that I know that I can't get any satisfaction with any sexual encounter or relationship from the same sex, I am pretty sure that the next attractive guy that will come my way will be the same like my past encounters. Oh yes, the moment when you're having sex maybe great and feels good but after that the feeling of guilt, not fully satisfied kind of feeling, empty happiness, and loneliness after wards is always there. This "after the sex encounter" moment for me will make me realize and shift my attention to reality every time I bump into some sexually attractive guy; then I will continue my walk. Believe it or not I must admit; there's a feeling of a little regret whenever I do that but the feeling of being triumphant over the temptation is better and more rewarding. In that way, I can talk freely without any guilt with God and it feels really good.

Christianity is somewhat complicated and sometimes confusing due to the differences in opinion with other Christians. The enemy will use this as a personal attack to us so we must be guarded all the time and must think rationally. Do not let yourself get affected easily by negative behaviors or events with the people around you because you must accept the fact that there is inconsistencies and imperfection in everything including Christianity. We must learn to forgive to keep the enemy from getting the advantage over us.

Let me mention to you the instruments being used by the enemy or by the evil to lure us back into sin as I have learned from the book. First is boredom, normally we use sex as the answer to this. This will remain a great temptation since all people are tempted to return to their old patterns of behavior when they are uncomfortable and in search of escape. Now we are challenged to discover how to use our times alone constructively rather than returning to the easy and sinful solutions of the past. As for me, I read Christian books and I enjoy writing this journal.

Loneliness is the second instrument and a tough one to beat. But did you know that as God's creation, we do not have the right to be lonely? Why do you think is that? Usually, our loneliness is cause by the unmet needs of us which is actually a form of selfishness. For instance is self pity or anger at others or a desire for revenge. These negative thoughts or feelings will be used by evil so you need to be careful. For homosexuals, most of the times we tend to become lonely when we do not have good and intimate relationships with others. Loneliness is quite different from being alone and we can use this time in Bible reading or intercessory prayer, well that's what I do.

Depression, despair and hopelessness were also mentioned in the book. Again for me, these emotions are somewhat related to loneliness which is usually an act of selfishness or self-pity if you're going to analyze deeply. Believe me, at first I find it hard to believe but its true. Sometimes the cause of this is impatience so we need to learn to be patient for it's a virtue as they say. To avoid these emotions, we need to look for the positive things in our life and be happy. I am quite sure that there is always a positive from a negative situation or else there will be no universal balance.

Disbelief in God. Sometimes if we're really in a situation which is very difficult for us to handle, we tend to feel this way. Believe that God is watching us and there's a reason for everything.

Homesickness was also mention as well as cynicism. These are negative emotions and also another ways where we can easily fall short. For homesickness, just be reminded constantly why and what you are for in whatever situation you are and pray. Being cynical will drive people away from you so learn how to gauge and trust people.

A flashback is another instrument that will make us fall again. Go back to the second paragraph of this blog and read it for the second time. So don't be tempted to do it again when you're having flashbacks inadvertently or intentionally with your past life including the sexual encounters.

Do not let your healthy interests outside the church consume so much about your time. When we get caught up in our interests to the extreme like with our job or hobbies, spiritual things begin to seem disconnected from real life. Make your Sunday available for God and always find time to pray and read the bible.

The last instrument that is mentioned is; I can't even believe myself, the thought of having a Christian lover! For me this is ridiculous so since I have decided to follow the Lord and leave homosexuality behind, I do not entertain this kind of idea anymore though I must admit there are lots of good looking Christian guys or gays I must say but it's a no now. So having said that, don't be tempted!

As the temple of the Holy Spirit, we must guard our bodies and minds against all forms of immorality. If we fall, we must accept forgiveness from God and continue our walk with Him by resisting all the temptations around us.

Homosexuality Part 6

Doing The Ordinary

This is the fourth step and the 6th chapter in Worthen's book entitled "This Way Out." God want us to do things like ordinary Christian people do like He want us joined to a body of believers. Once we have made a tough decision to leave homosexuality behind, we must seek the love and support of God's people. Intercessory prayer is essential to bring a new life and a victorious walk, and it can only come from other Christians. To be in Christ and part of Christ, we must also be in and part of His body, the Church.

As of this writing, only my few female friends from the church I go to knew this dilemma of mine. Exposing my real sexuality to male church goers I have met is still in the stage of planning as to when and how am I gonna tell them.

According to Frank, the problem of homosexuality is not so unique and special as we think that's why God does not exempt us from having to do the ordinary expected of all Christians. We do not have to have an isolated Christian life especially from same sex because that is what we need; the affirmation from same sex on a non-sexual level of relationships. One author quoted that homosexuality is difficulty in relating to same sex and not to the opposite sex. Perhaps it's the reason why gays can relate so comfortably with women on a non-sexual level. Having said that, the main root of homosexuality can be healed as a sense of affirmation and belonging replaces that deep sense of alienation through interdependence. It is what the Lord calls us to in the Body of Christ and it is a part of His plan for healing.

Simply attending church regularly won't do it, but this is a foundation for change that must be carefully laid. Bible study, prayer, fellowship and service are also ordinary things which require our attention if we want that change to takes place.

The Bible is the living word and has been supernaturally pieced together by the Holy Spirit. It is the manual of our life as a human and we need to obey it for God will reward our obedience.

Prayer is an imperative part of the change process. We must pray for ourselves and others certainly, but what great change can happen when a group engages in intercessory prayer on our behalf. Also be reminded that we need to be patient, I asked the Lord to change my views on men so that I won't be attracted to them but it will take time. Always, I have to remind myself that a change is a long process and an immediate result from prayers should not be expected. I have learned that I need to obey God's words and will and wait Him to bless my obedience. My friend keeps reminding me that God honors everything that I gave up for Him like turning away from sexually attractive men, I always think that it's not worth it if I gave in to them. The waiting period is a test of our faith so we need to be patient, wait and knowing God is faithful to reward us for our sacrifices, than to build a case against God and suffer the results of separation from God.

Fellowship means taking an interest in others and watching out for one another then rewards will come back in our direction. As part of the body of Christ, we are responsible also with one another. Like what I have learned in the workshop, we need to be the salt or light to others that will give them hope and light in darkness.

God also requires us to serve in churches. At first, I thought that I need to get my act together before I serve the Lord but it should not be the case. In my experience, when I help others with the same struggle that I have whether on homosexuality or other issues it helps me to understand life more and become mature as a Christian. Also, it feels like sharing the same faith with others and it gives joy to my heart.

So find a church where you are comfortable and people whom you can trust and then build a solid rock foundation for the change you want to occur towards a completely healed sexuality. Obedience to His words is the key and God honors our day-in and day-out obedience. So when the storm comes He will protect and upholds us. God's grace will save us from disaster but He won't do it our way. We might have a long wait and doing the ordinary may seem like a waste of time, but every act of obedience moves us farther along in the change process. Most of the time, change comes silently and unobserved. Only when we stop and look back do we realize how far we've come.

Homosexuality Part 5

The Need For A Savior

It is the title of the fifth chapter of Worthen's book entitled This Way Out and the next step in restoring the original sexuality of a homosexual.

Closely connected with brokenness is the acknowledgment of a need for a Savior. There must be an admission that we cannot change ourselves, that we have failed in living a holy life or righteous life and that Christ is the only person who can bring change to our lives.

Most human beings find it difficult, if not impossible, to admit they need help. Nobody wants to say, "I was wrong." Pride, an integral part of our nature, often blocks us from crying out, even when our need is great. Repentance and brokenness mean we have to face our need for a Savior. Without this vital step, change cannot take place. No one else can make this decision for us. It must come from our heart.

Changing who we think we are is really hard and we must take note that a change is a process, more often than not it's a very long one. When you have decided to leave homosexuality and accepted Christ as your Savior, you must not rely on your own strength. Jesus is the center of your life now and He's now in charge. This is the meaning of the first in the Ten Commandments, putting God first before everything. That is how we love God more than anything; the Lord wants us to be very dependent on Him. If we do this, the change we are longing for will take place on its own.

Look, it is a three way battle between God, Satan who represents Evil, and us. When evil is in control, we make dumb mistakes and our actions are not even in our best interests. When we join with God and depose Satan, we have two possibilities as to who will run our lives: God or ourselves. The wise individual will review his life and realize that his record as boss is not the greatest. For instance is myself, I was in total control of everything in my life for the past ten years and look what happened. I have lost almost everything. So I opted to let God take control and so far, so good. This laying down of weapons and submitting is not usually done gladly, but with great effort and in small segments.

The fool goes on to win his battle with God. This is a hollow triumph for there is no real victory when we win against God. Eventually, evil re-emerges and takes control from us. When we are dealing with super powers, there is no hope for us to win a lasting victory.

All of us need to remember that God has a perfect plan for our lives and if we thwart this plan, we come out second best. Again as homosexuals, we need to admit that we have this problem to Him and we have inability to manage it on our own. It's a minute by minute dependence on Jesus everyday for the rest of our lives. God's plan is that we seek Jesus in every decision, and in every avenue our life takes.

In 2 Corinthians 1:9, it is mentioned that we should not trust in ourselves. I know this is a hard lesson to learn coz ever since when we're young, we have been taught to trust in ourselves and be confident. But hey! We are God's creation and property. Don't you think it's just right that God will take control of every move and decision we make with our lives? Besides, we owe our lives to Him right? Though God has given us free will as a gift, it causes us the most trouble and is most frequently questioned. Why does God give us this ability? Why are we free to receive Christ or reject Him? Obviously, God wants a people that have accepted Him by choice, not by being forced into a decision. Now, if we've chosen God, how much will we allow Him to influence our lives? If we are wise, we'll let Him have free reign since He is our Maker and knows what is best for us. God will make us what we ought to be, and our lives will be greatly blessed for it.

Again, brokenness must be so complete, that we no longer have any penchant to regain control of our lives, but allow God and the Holy Spirit to lead. Victory is dependence on Jesus.

Next step is about doing the ordinary.

Homosexuality Part 4

Brokenness Or Way Of Sorrow

When I have learned that I am HIV positive and can no longer migrate to another country for greener pasture, I have felt hopeless. After losing more than half a million pesos in a scam, my entrepreneurial venture did not worked out, my modeling career did not took off, then stuck in a call center job, I guess there's no reason for me to live anymore. My dream of becoming wealthy enough to experience a luxurious kind of life and giving my parents or family a well-off kind of lifestyle will not going to happen or very far from happening in this country has been shattered and I have felt like I was broken in to million pieces and do not know how to make it whole again. Like I said I have thought several times of committing suicide it's just that I can't do it. Then I began searching for the reasons on everything that happened to me. Out of this brokenness, I began searching for the meaning and purpose of my completely wrecked and already sentenced life until I have found God. God is the answer for all of this.

Since I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, I must be born again spiritually. The old I have to die and the new me now is trying to emerge and live for I have decided to walk in light with Him. After receiving God and the Holy Spirit, the conviction of all my sins took place then repentance must follow. But what is the real meaning of repentance? It means a change of mind, a change of direction and in the final analysis, sorrow that initiates actions. It is not enough to be in sorrow over the loss of a comfortable lifestyle, nor is it enough to think good thoughts about God while continuing to walk in darkness. One must have deep sorrow for all his wrongdoings for he has grieved the Holy Spirit and a resolve that this will not continue to happen.

The action that repentance initiates may be leaving a lover, separating from friendships, leaving a job and yes, leaving homosexuality and moving to new, unfamiliar surroundings. The death of a dream is a sad thing. It is hard for the former homosexual to set aside the fantasy that someday the right person is going to come along and bring the fulfillment he has sought for so long. But as long as this dream lives, change is blocked. As of this writing, I just turned away from Alex, the man I have waited for several months to see again and be with him. I like him a lot and liked him even more when we've met and talked three days ago. But I have to give him up coz it was wrong, I told Alex that friendship is all I can offer. What makes it worst is that he likes me a lot too! Well, I need to follow God coz that is the right thing to do; yes it is painful.

Before Christ's glorious resurrection, Jesus had to walk the lonely and painful way too; the way of sorrow. So if we have decided to change and are able to be in close relationship with Jesus and guided by the Holy Spirit, we cannot escape the cross. Romans 6:3-4 says don't you know that all of us who where baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

New life emerges from the power of the Cross. In the times when Jesus lived, everyone knew the expression "take up your cross" meant "you're on your way to death." There is finality about death and we must view the old lifestyle with that same finality. Any remnant of our former way of life will block the new from emerging.

As a surgeon searches for every trace of cancer so that no new problem will be generated from the old, so must the former homosexual remove all remnants from his past: all pornography materials like magazines and DVD of gay porn movies, website accounts, and other materials or keepsakes that draw the mind back to former times. These things must be completely eradicated. If our job compromise our Christian standards and affects our Christian walk or the change that we want in our life, then it must be wise to change jobs also.

Friends who negatively affect our lives must be kept from exerting influence over us too, for they will not understand our change of ways. Spiritual things sound like foolishness to those who are perishing according to 1 Corinthians 1:18. In my case I have changed my phone number and retain those whom I thought would understand me. Now that I have entrusted my self to God, I must free myself from the pressures the world places on me. If we have the courage and determination to do this, we will grow spiritually.

We must also learn to forgive people. We tend to blame others for what had happened to us but we must take responsible for our actions. When we gave up to homosexuality it's our choice and not them. Most probably all the bad things including the guilt feelings, emptiness, anger, ridicule, and emotional pain that comes along with it are merely the consequences of those actions we took and we should be accountable for it as well. It is not easy to let go of such hatred and resentment especially if we have been molested or overpowered. But forgiveness is a sacrifice and a painful readjustment in our emotional make-up. Difficult as it may be, it is a doorway to healing.

Again, change is born out of brokenness. If you have decided that homosexuality is a sin and that you have grieved the Holy Spirit by your actions, and then a deep sorrow for it must follow. There must be an abandonment of your old ways, your desires and your will. Before we find peace and joy, there must be a time of grief. There are sacrifices are to be made gladly since the exchange is all in our favor.

James 4:8-10. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Next, I am going to talk about the need for a Savior to make the change happen.