Brokenness Or Way Of Sorrow
When I have learned that I am HIV positive and can no longer migrate to another country for greener pasture, I have felt hopeless. After losing more than half a million pesos in a scam, my entrepreneurial venture did not worked out, my modeling career did not took off, then stuck in a call center job, I guess there's no reason for me to live anymore. My dream of becoming wealthy enough to experience a luxurious kind of life and giving my parents or family a well-off kind of lifestyle will not going to happen or very far from happening in this country has been shattered and I have felt like I was broken in to million pieces and do not know how to make it whole again. Like I said I have thought several times of committing suicide it's just that I can't do it. Then I began searching for the reasons on everything that happened to me. Out of this brokenness, I began searching for the meaning and purpose of my completely wrecked and already sentenced life until I have found God. God is the answer for all of this.
Since I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, I must be born again spiritually. The old I have to die and the new me now is trying to emerge and live for I have decided to walk in light with Him. After receiving God and the Holy Spirit, the conviction of all my sins took place then repentance must follow. But what is the real meaning of repentance? It means a change of mind, a change of direction and in the final analysis, sorrow that initiates actions. It is not enough to be in sorrow over the loss of a comfortable lifestyle, nor is it enough to think good thoughts about God while continuing to walk in darkness. One must have deep sorrow for all his wrongdoings for he has grieved the Holy Spirit and a resolve that this will not continue to happen.
The action that repentance initiates may be leaving a lover, separating from friendships, leaving a job and yes, leaving homosexuality and moving to new, unfamiliar surroundings. The death of a dream is a sad thing. It is hard for the former homosexual to set aside the fantasy that someday the right person is going to come along and bring the fulfillment he has sought for so long. But as long as this dream lives, change is blocked. As of this writing, I just turned away from Alex, the man I have waited for several months to see again and be with him. I like him a lot and liked him even more when we've met and talked three days ago. But I have to give him up coz it was wrong, I told Alex that friendship is all I can offer. What makes it worst is that he likes me a lot too! Well, I need to follow God coz that is the right thing to do; yes it is painful.
Before Christ's glorious resurrection, Jesus had to walk the lonely and painful way too; the way of sorrow. So if we have decided to change and are able to be in close relationship with Jesus and guided by the Holy Spirit, we cannot escape the cross. Romans 6:3-4 says don't you know that all of us who where baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
New life emerges from the power of the Cross. In the times when Jesus lived, everyone knew the expression "take up your cross" meant "you're on your way to death." There is finality about death and we must view the old lifestyle with that same finality. Any remnant of our former way of life will block the new from emerging.
As a surgeon searches for every trace of cancer so that no new problem will be generated from the old, so must the former homosexual remove all remnants from his past: all pornography materials like magazines and DVD of gay porn movies, website accounts, and other materials or keepsakes that draw the mind back to former times. These things must be completely eradicated. If our job compromise our Christian standards and affects our Christian walk or the change that we want in our life, then it must be wise to change jobs also.
Friends who negatively affect our lives must be kept from exerting influence over us too, for they will not understand our change of ways. Spiritual things sound like foolishness to those who are perishing according to 1 Corinthians 1:18. In my case I have changed my phone number and retain those whom I thought would understand me. Now that I have entrusted my self to God, I must free myself from the pressures the world places on me. If we have the courage and determination to do this, we will grow spiritually.
We must also learn to forgive people. We tend to blame others for what had happened to us but we must take responsible for our actions. When we gave up to homosexuality it's our choice and not them. Most probably all the bad things including the guilt feelings, emptiness, anger, ridicule, and emotional pain that comes along with it are merely the consequences of those actions we took and we should be accountable for it as well. It is not easy to let go of such hatred and resentment especially if we have been molested or overpowered. But forgiveness is a sacrifice and a painful readjustment in our emotional make-up. Difficult as it may be, it is a doorway to healing.
Again, change is born out of brokenness. If you have decided that homosexuality is a sin and that you have grieved the Holy Spirit by your actions, and then a deep sorrow for it must follow. There must be an abandonment of your old ways, your desires and your will. Before we find peace and joy, there must be a time of grief. There are sacrifices are to be made gladly since the exchange is all in our favor.
James 4:8-10. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.
Next, I am going to talk about the need for a Savior to make the change happen.