D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Homosexuality Part 1

A Brief Look At Homosexuality

This Way Out. Understanding Homosexuality, Embracing Freedom is the whole title of the book written by Frank Worthen about homosexuality and how to get out of it. The first chapter tackled a brief look at homosexuality and according to him; homosexuality is a misguided search for love and affirmation.

Why on earth are homosexual people so determined that they were born gay? Personally, I have met other guys who used to be straight and began indulging into homosexual acts when someone took advantage of them sexually and they have liked it. Hence, they prefer having sex with guys also. Some of them are married to a woman to hide their homosexuality and some of these straight acting gays prefer someone like them, not the so effeminate, girly type, typical gays. That's why today, it's so hard to distinguish if a guy is really straight or not because most of them are not pretty obvious and hiding behind their well built physique and masculine behaviours. What I am saying is that, not all homosexual are gay since the beginning as they have told.

First, the idea that a choice exists as to whether or not they remain homosexual is both frightening and threatening. The gay person has a real investment in his identity. Many gay people like me, have struggled with homosexuality feelings for years before accepting the label "homosexual" on their lives. As for me, I was 25 when I have finally accepted it. By accepting this identity, they put to rest this hard struggle and feel a sense of relief that this traumatic time in their life has passed. The thought of returning to these times of uncertainty is very threatening and undermines their confidence in their very identity.

Secondly, most gay people cannot remember a time when they did not have homosexual feelings. They actually believe they were born gay. What research has proven is that the paths we take are laid down at a very early age. It is said that a child knows if he is wanted or not by the time he is 6 months of age. During the period from 18 to 36 months, his or her "gender identity" is formed and becomes difficult to change from this point on. So it is not surprising that the message from the gay community that a person is "born gay" is accepted at face value.

The deepest root of homosexuality is a break in the relational bonds within the family, producing a lack of a sense of belonging or lack of affirmation. The security of a child depends on a 3 way bond: mother to child, father to child and the often overlooked and neglected bond of father to mother. Any break in this triangle will produce insecurity in the child, whom is affected by the way he or she reacts to disruptions in the family unit.

A male child has certain needs that only his father can fill, the same is true of a female child with her mother. The male role is to initiate, the female role is to respond. These are to be the predominate traits although there will be a natural cross-over. It is vital for the male child to develop an active rather than a passive personality. Under his father's covering, he feels free to explore his world and learn by trial and error. The strength, power and protection of his father make this possible. He enjoys his relationship with his father, knowing that his father desires him to possess these traits for himself, rather than being always dependent on his father for them. These good feelings about his father transfer into love, affirmation and a sense of belonging. He is secure in his father's identity and accepts that identity for himself.

Why is it that causes gay people to go out on the streets looking for a sexual partner? Although, most have little awareness of this, their search is not for sex, but for intimacy. They seek in another male person the elements of parental love that was denied them. Much of the homosexual search is a father replacement search like mine, an attempt to find strength, power and protection from a male figure.

The deepest roots of homosexuality are ergo non-sexual. The desire for sexual interaction comes along after the simple desire for love, security, affirmation and just someone who will say "You're ok." If the child has had an absent or emotionally-absent father, a certain amount of vulnerability is felt by the child. There is a tendency to withdraw and it produces 3 negative side effects: fear, isolation and envy.

Fear of abandonment, is one of the major causes of personality disturbances. An emotionally absent father has abandoned his children as much, or more than a totally absent father. This is the case of most of the gay people, it explains while they are looking this loving and caring from other male that a father should have given to them.

The lack of a same sex role model creates problems with one's peer group. If a male child has only his mother's influence in his life, he will react to the world in the way he thinks his mother would react. Sadly, his peers will quickly pick up on his effeminacy or difference and ridicule him, excluding him from their inner circle. Thus isolation is forced on him. One of the major underlying problems of homosexuality is a lack of sense of belonging or affirmation. Peer rejection can play a major role in affirming a child's difference, and unacceptability. A rejected child will feel different and will purposely choose isolation, since social interaction brings pain and rejection.

It is only natural that the child who has felt the sting of rejection comes to envy the accepted one. A process begins that, if carried to its conclusion, will lead to what gays call their "orientation." Beginning with simple comparison of one's self with others, one makes the decision and admission that one is then not equal with one's peers. The realization comes that one cannot meet the standards of one's peer group. This gives rise to admiration of those who are better in some way. They may be more handsome, better built, or more intelligent; a host of other things. Predominantly admiration is felt for those who are not afraid to initiate, those who have the courage and strength to maintain their worth against the attacks that come their way. Somewhere along the way, this admiration slips into envy and a strong desire to possess. Usually there is one special person that is the object of this envy and admiration. Decades later, the homosexual person may still be on a replacement search for this "first love." He strongly desires for this person to be his best friend. He fantasizes about being alone with this person and being able to relate intimately with him.

In puberty, as the sexual desire starts to emerge, this desire simply settles in on what has already been the focus of the child's life, that which was the object of their admiration and envy. Thus, envy becomes eroticized. In many lives, this process does not proceed to this end, but for a homosexual person, this sexual desire for someone of the same sex seems completely natural since it began as a non-sexual desire.

So we find that the pattern of homosexuality develops over a long time span from infancy to adolescence. Because of its early beginnings, it may appear to be inborn. Somewhere in puberty, the person becomes aware that this interest in people of the same sex is not normal and that his peers are moving ahead into heterosexual interests.

Panic often sets in as the discovery is made that this is not just a phase that will pass but may be a lifetime condition. This revelation is sometimes followed by what can only be described as a grief process. There is a period of disbelief and denial. Following this may be a time of almost total isolation, crying, and severe depression. It is at this point that many who have never been religious will turn to religion to seek an immediate change in their life or just accept it, find other homosexuals to be with the same crowd and live a homosexual lifestyle; which is the case of today.

I was 25 years old when I have eventually accepted and live with it and then because of the never ending unwary quest for sexual satisfaction or partner, I got infected with HIV. Now that this happened, I have decided to fix the root cause of this endless and tiresome search for love or affirmation which turned out to be wrong in the first place. Then I came to a point of looking for the purpose of my messy life until I found the Lord Jesus Christ. Ever since, I really don't want to be homosexual; even during the times when I was acting out my homosexual desires. It's just that it was very hard to control then and I was so driven by my unwanted sexual need. It's different now that I am with Jesus Christ, I can control it now though it's really hard not to mention the temptation in every corner; and I have decided to correct what is wrong.

Next topic, is homosexuality a sin?

2 comments:

stanw said...

Hi,
I've been reading some of your older posts. This one mentioned abandonment and I just had to respond. Not many weeks ago I found out in real time the power and devastation of abandonment.

The first 12 years are pretty much blank in my memory except what pictures and a few scant memories reveal. I was given up for adoption a few months after my birth. In my reading I saw that even at that stage of life my life was adversely affected by even that one event. I would have connected some way with my birth mother and then her leaving me would have caused confusion in my young mind and affected my emotions. I don't recall much in the intervening years but at 12 years of age I again was confronted with abandonment, and sexual abuse. First off the hired man sexually molested me and not long afterward my mother up and left with no warning or indication if she'd return. The following months after are really blurry but in my young mind I decided that what I tho't was "love" was too scary and unpredictable and hurt far too much to endure the future possibility of facing that again. My dad during that time drank so much so he was not one I could turn to.

I didn't make that decision to not trust "love" with a clear thought as to what it would eventually mean for me. It hurt so much that I just went with the resulting emotional mindset. Consequently it wasn't until not many weeks ago (as I alluded to earlier) that I saw how that mindset had affected my life so negatively. Since I had experienced such a crisis concerning "love" I turned to sexual acting out and fantasizing to try and escape the feelings inside. You see I was suspect of anything that love seemed to offer and so what I found was sex (the enemy took advantage of a young boys confusion, that is why I hate him so much...I fell for a lie), I'm sure inflated by what the hired man did to me. I didn't see the scope that not trusting love would do to me. So a few weeks ago as I knelt beside my bed I had such an emotional panic attack that it felt like even God was abandoning me. As I cried out to God I spoke the words, "God, don't leave me," and moments later the words, "God, I'm not letting go of you!" God was love and He was showing me that I could trust His love. He had proved that He would never leave me and that I could trust Him. As the days passed I soon realized (with help from a couple really good articles I read) what my negative attitude toward love had cost. I had not let others love me or I love them. Today God is restoring the right attitude toward love. After all He is love, I could have never made it without His love. I had a vision of Jesus standing by my crib as that little baby and He picked me up and held me. I saw how over and over He had protected me so many times during my life and He has been so gentle and loving. His love broke through. I had to revoke that feeling (could even call it a vow) that I made back as a 12 year old concerning love. As an older worship song says, "Oh how He loves you and me!"

God knew I had to see the truth concerning love so I could live, really live. Only He can purify and heal the pain and hurt. He really does work in our lives to draw us to see Him as He wants us to see Him and trust Him completely.

E L R o i said...

Hey Stan, Wow thanks for sharing that thought! It was pretty painful I must say but obviously God has healed you somehow on this. The fact that you were able to share it is the proof of it. With the blurry part, well perhaps you chose unconsciously (together with other memories we had) to bury them. Or it could be that God has a purpose why He is not allowing you to remember it... a lot of reasons.But I guess that did not matter, you are already in a the journey towards healing and have come so far! When it is necessary, you might remember it. That experience is a clear demonstration how the enemy steal, kill and destroy but hey, you are well and very much alive! And yes, only God can purify and heal us. Like I always say to my counselees, all our experiences no matter how good or worst they are, would never be wasted. God has a plan for all of it to reveal more of His glory and character and also to reveal more of our self and His purpose. God bless you brother!