Fireproof

Have you seen this movie "Fireproof"? If not, you better get a copy and watch it. The film depicts on how a virtually lost marriage can be saved. It was very moving and inspiring!

Well, I can only say these things after watching it unintentionally last night and I even started at the half of the movie for I have seen it already two years ago. Since then for me, it was just a very great film for couples especially married couples with a very good soundtrack that lead me to write a blog about the song on May 2010.......until last night.

Seeing the husband wooing his wife just to save their marriage even though He's against it at first and ready to give up in the middle of the required 40 days as advised by his father for he's not receiving any response from the wife, until something happened inside of him which took him to go beyond 40 days, made me feel very emotional.

When they are finally together I cried again but it was the scene where the couple was renewing their vows that made me really weep! I felt like it was the Lord whispering to me saying, "That's how I love you my bride".

He is wooing me like that of the husband even I do not respond sometimes or whenever I choose going out with a guy I like instead of Him and that He will never stop pursuing me. Our "vow" or covenant with Jesus is always renewed every time I confess my sins, ask His forgiveness, accepts and continuously live under His amazing grace! With these revelations, I can't help but to weep so deeply thanking and praising the Lord!

It's been quite a while since I felt His strong presence like this and this time God has reminded me that our "marriage" is fireproof.

God's Promise for 2012

When I was still a very new Christian, I often hear words of promises from the Lord through the gifted prophet's prayer in our church. After more than four years, almost all of them have happened already except for one promise which I think will take a little bit more of time.

The promise of becoming a father (either spiritually or physically) is the only one left to still happen out of those promises I received a couple of years ago, a promise that I hold on to when I want to give up during times of failures and testing. In fact, this was the promise used by God to remind me when I was struggling over a virtual long term commitment / relationship back in December 2011. Anyway, this year I received another word from Him because I asked for it.

The Lord will take away the hardness in my heart. He will remove my stone heart and replace it with a flesh heart. He will turn me to a man after His own heart like King David. These are the words of His promise for me that all I can remember. The person who released it even asked me if I prayed this prayer then I remember that I have prayed once or twice nearly a little over two years ago that I want to be like David, a man after God's own heart.

God will break my heart with things that breaks His as I understood it and He will give me finally a wise and discerning heart! Clearly another promise where I can rest and hoped for in this journey with Christ!

All we got to do is ASK. Ask and He will answer, Seek and you will find and Knock and surely He will open the door!

The Year That Was

2011 was a great year for me generally speaking. It was a year of acceleration I remember as our church called it and indeed it was.

The ministry the Lord entrusted me has reached five countries from three. After my Bangkok trip on February, I was grateful to visit Singapore for communications training and spent time with my best friend. Together with most of my colleagues from the team, we attended training on Islam on May and saw the Petronas Tower in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I went to Cambodia to visit some of the projects on HIV and was blessed to see the Angkor Watt in Siam Reap on June. My abstract entree to the 10th ICAAP successfully granted me a trip to Busan, Korea on August and finally, my Pastor asked me to take part on the E21 event in Jakarta, Indonesia. God set a platform to all these places for me to share how HIV & AIDS bring the ultimate glory He always deserves to His name!

On the other hand, the struggle and temptations has also increased which virtually turn my direction into the wrong path in the last five months of the year. Its culmination, which I still can't believe up to this time, was that I nearly got married to a Dutch guy! Through all these failures and sins, God has been faithful and poured out an ocean like amount of grace. It made me realize once more that I cannot truly live my life without Jesus so I stick with Him no matter how painful it was. I am just glad that all these are over now.

But the best thing ever happened to me in 2011 was the very recent revelation I got from the book "Cat & Dog Theology" by Bob Sjogren and Dr. Gerald Robison. It helped me to rethink my relationship with God and made me understood at last the phrase "pleasing God over pleasing self and people". Life is not design by God to revolve around us but it was designed to be a series of opportunities to point to and reveal God's glory! God has created and planned everything as in "all" including the good, worst and even the extremely painful events in our life and in this whole world only to bring pleasure and greatest glory to Him and His name! What a revelation! It's all about HIM! That is what a "Dog" Christian is and will work my way of becoming one all the time in every aspect of my life.

Honestly, I have never been excited like this in my entire life for something I am totally clueless about! If there is one thing I am sure of is that 2012 will be way better than 2011 for I will start living passionately for the glory of God! Whatever I do, I'll do it for His pleasure and glory!

A blessed New Year to all!

Going Four Years - God's Enabling Grace

Yesterday December 13 marked the fourth year of my existence as a born again Christian!

My Pastor and I had our not so regular accountability meeting finally after several months because of our busy schedules with our own ministry work. Only then I was able to give him an update on what's happening or what I have been through, also now is the only time I will confess these things on my blog.

Everything started when I came back from Busan when my curiosity got opened again to the new things for me on gay sex which I found out from casual conversation with my gay friends and new people I met during this conference in Korea.

I told myself I will just try it once or twice then that's it and I will quit, so I joined again on this gay website just to find out that many people are really now into party (or partee) and play or pnp for short. It's having sex after taking E or ecstasy and for some I also learned that they use "ice" or shabu instead. And my roller coaster journey began.

The promise of doing the pnp once or twice did not happen though for the fact that what I've heard is true. That the feeling when you are high with its effect makes the act very pleasurable that you will definitely ask for more! It's kind of addictive that you want it whenever you want to have sex. Later on I met a Dutch guy who asked me to have a pnp with him and we unexpectedly hit it off which started from what we have in common and that is being HIV+. For the first time he never felt that accepted and comfortable with someone after a very long time according to him. He shared a lot of pain in his life which he have hidden in his heart for quite some time that I can relate to mostly and he said he never felt that free to be himself when he's with me. As for me, I honestly felt his pain and God's love flowed through my heart for him as he shared that we became even closer than we expected until he offered me the life once I was dreaming of as a gay person before! He was planning to marry me and settle in Europe!

Well I must admit that was very tempting, flattering and honestly I love it too but it also reminded me that it was not the path towards the realization of God's promise to me more than a couple of years ago. I have to choose between him and Jesus! Knowing all the truth from His words and through the guidance of my church, friends and Pastor, even it was too painful for me to choose the Lord and die to my desire, I did choose Jesus. Yes I broke his heart and mine as well twice with this decision. It hurt me that I have hurt him and it hurt that I hurt myself. It was almost an unbearable pain that I was crying for two days. I never thought I would fall for and miss someone whom I have been "together" for only two weeks.

I know I made the right choice and I have done a favor for both of us. This was confirmed by my Pastor last night. He also made me realized that God was crying also in pain with me that very moment and that God poured so much grace upon me on this to come up with the right decision! My Pastor, my boss at work and a very close girlfriend of mine were all very proud of me. But the best part, God is also very pleased. By the way, I have deleted my account on that gay website two days after "breaking up" with him to end all these foolishness.

Also it made me realize how He loves me and still I can't believe how I can allow myself to go this far. Indeed this event thought me a great lesson in my journey with the Lord that no matter what, I have to stand right with God.

When we choose to go either to the right or the left instead of walking straight to the path God set for us, things happen such as meeting people. Unexpected things happen in the process of knowing them and sometimes ending up liking or even loving them. As Christ's follower, we are mandated to love him and love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Hence, even these people we meet does not conform with our beliefs and principles based on God's words, we have no choice but to love them still even to the point of hurting them if necessary and even more painful....to the point of hurting ourselves by leaving them for a certain period of time just to stay within His will. But the saddest part is that, that the person might go astray more from Him. Truly dying to ourselves and to our own desires can be our greatest sacrifice for Christ, though it's incomparable to His suffering on the cross just to save and transform us, as evidence of our love for Him. Lord please forgive this son of yours and may these people forgive me too.

All these happened in the past five months in the midst of doing the ministry and now I am moving towards my fifth year in this journey with the Lord Jesus, excitedly looking forward to great things that God has in store for me. I am so grateful that God saved me and always faithful to me so thank you Lord so much.

World AIDS Day and CoH

It's more than three years I have been serving the Lord through the CoH or Channels of Hope ministry. I can say that I have grown so much as an HIV positive person and as a Christian in doing this as I tell how the Lord has changed my life and turned my world around and how He is still changing me as a person up to this very moment.

Last week, the team conducted a two day workshop after more than three months and twenty colleagues have participated and finished the learning event. Once again for most of them, it was a life-changing or life transforming event for it not only altered their views on the issue itself but how are they as God's children too. They were so grateful that finally they were able to attend this workshop.

In relation to World AIDS Day theme for 2011 which is "Getting to Zero: Zero new infection; zero discrimination and zero AIDS-related death", Channels of Hope can greatly help to make this ambitious goal into reality. Thank God for this ministry that truly help faith based organizations and churches to respond in a Christ like way on HIV & AIDS.

It's high time the faith leaders must be involved in addressing this issue.

4th Western Visayas AIDS Congress

Attending this conference in Talisay, Negros Occidental last week was my first time in the country and second time as a speaker to present the ministry that God has entrusted me and helped me to be where I am right now in this journey of life.

Similar to my experience in Busan less than three months ago, I was a bit nervous prior to my session, which was cut from 90 minutes to an hour only. It was the third largest audience I had since I began this work, approximately more than a hundred crown including some town councilors and a mayor!

At first, I was thinking of presenting my organization and our HIV ministry which is Channels of Hope and then I will tell my story in the end. When I stood in front, I believed with the leading from the Holy Spirit, I started in reverse. I told my story first and then the technical information of CoH which turned out very good and well received by the audience!

One delegate even told me that it was the best message and session in the whole congress! It was very fortifying, something new to them and truly inspiring! Many people were really blessed especially those who are also living with HIV. Once again, I cannot believe that what God has done and still doing in my life has such a great impact to people. It's like an affirmation that I am a man of hope as my friends calls me. I deemed God did an amazing job again for the nth time!

Prior to my talk, I was given the opportunity to see the city and the famous historical love mansion called "The Ruins". The love story behind this structure was absolutely romantic and sweet. Also I was able to taste the original Bacolod Inasal! Another blessed and wonderful trip indeed!

E21 Jakarta

Indonesia is the ninth country I have visited and was able to see some spots in the city of Jakarta last week.

The reason why I went there was to attend and participate for the first time in a gathering of Christians and Christian Leaders all over Asia. The conference was called Empowered21 Asia which aimed to call God's people to live a Spirit-filled life in this time.

Eight tracks were featured in the three day event with revival night each evening lead by the likes of Cindy Jacobs. I participated mostly in the Empowering the Young Generation Track led by my Pastor and once in Worship Track where I got to see and hear Sidney Mohede of Indonesia, a well-known worship leader and musician in that country. Truly it was an overwhelming and hair - standing experience to worship and praise God with fellow believers from different nations.

The Lord also has given me a chance to share how He changed me and still changing me for a few minutes in one session and I heard that many people were touched and blessed. In fact, one delegate approached me to ask help and guidance on what to do with his friends having the same sex attraction or SSA.

My friend and colleague from Jakarta brought me to city and visited its landmark which is called the Monas, a tower at the heart of the city. We also went to the National Museum to see some relics from the Borobudur Temple, to the fountain monument, and to a couple of malls to do some shopping.

Though I have to be honest that I was not that excited when I am about to go to this trip but then I still had a great time there and realized this was still a blessing from the Lord that I should be thankful for! Even if I did not have a special moment with Him on this trip, which I have expected, I can say that God is always good indeed!