D R . E L R O I
A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN WHO IS POSITIVE WITH HIV
"Depressed people love to gather around you because you radiate hope. You are able to put a boundary that you do not get into their despair and that is a gift. God has given you that gift because He has faith in you and you have faith in people! When they say that they want to give up, you will simply say that 'you can do it'! You give hope to people."
These may not be the exact words but this is what it sounds like when our guest preacher last Sunday looked at me and asked me to stand up, stared deeply into my eyes when she released these prophetic words to me. Her ministry partner now called me the "man of hope". Everyone now in our church calls me the "man of hope".
I was so blessed that Sunday and somehow I have expected it because I have prayed for it. Boldly I asked God to speak to me that day and He did! He never fails every time I implore Him to talk to me, He's so faithful and truly an awesome God!
I surmise this has something to do with the ministry I have been doing for almost two years now which is the "Channels of Hope". What exactly I will be doing in the next several months or few years, that I have no idea. As long as God will continue to use me in the HIV and AIDS ministry to give hope to the hopeless and be a light, forever I will be grateful and blessed.
Man of hope, that's me and will always be being me.
Praise the Lord for another successful COH workshop early this week held at the Samaritana. Nineteen God's men and women have been trained to be equipped on the HOPE initiative for churches on HIV and AIDS.
I believe these are two of the many things God is teaching me nowadays and it made me realize that patience and faith go together most of the time or probably all the time.
For the past several weeks, I have been praying to the Lord to help me increase my faith and believe in Him and be patient enough to wait for His instruction and direction. It seems like that God is indubitably into it when it comes to the job I've been praying for and the breakthrough I've been waiting for in my Christian journey.
We all know that it's a little difficult to wait especially if you're waiting for quite some time now but for some reason, God has put in my heart peace and joy while going through this stage I guess merely because that's how I feel. Like He said in Psalm, be still and know that He is God. My pastor told me that the Lord is preparing me to do something big and I feel the same way too.
At this point, I am still hoping for the best that I will land the job I have been fasting and praying for in His perfect timing as well as the breakthrough in my walk. I just need to be patient and have faith in Jesus that He's at work.
While I am waiting, I shrewdly use my time in reading the scriptures more, watching my favorite TV shows, working out and volunteering in the church and to my old work.
God bless you all. Shalom!
Year 2009 started off my second year as a Christian and I have decided to start my third year remembering what happened in the past year and writing a few resolutions for 2010.
First and foremost, I am very thankful for the faithfulness and incomparable love God has shown me. Being allowed to meet a lot of people in the Christian community and minister then be a blessing to them while doing the "Channels of Hope" in the HIV and AIDS ministry is truly a joyful and wonderful experience. Regardless how exhausting it was but the transformation of the participants and the passion it created into their hearts after learning the truth about this pandemic is an utmost importance in reducing the stigma and discrimination. Some of them began executing their plans.
I am grateful for each opportunity that God gives me to share what He has done into my life whatever the result maybe. I am thankful that God is continuously using me in this ministry. This is the first thing I asked from Him when I became His son more than a couple of years ago.
The Lord has allowed me to work for a few months in this Christian NGO and I have learned a lot from this job. I believe this is just a preparation for something better and bigger.
I had an incredible time and experience doing the adolescent reproductive health with HIV & AIDS awareness program and spearheading its pilot testing and training the first batch of facilitators.
Though the latter part of the year was not good, still I am thankful for the things God had taught me through these failures. From falling into a series of sexual sins after almost seventeen months of celibacy, going through an emotional co-dependency for the first time which I am still working out, up to waiting for a new job after my contract has ended; God has been with me all through out even I was not with Him.
The imperative lesson I have learned is that, everyday is a day of submission to God Almighty and never trusting my self especially on the area of my SSA struggle. Yielding to Him every part of my life and believing that He is at work even when I am not faithful is a must.
God has taught me to be more patient and incessantly seek direction and instructions from Him. Lastly, God has reminded me that in all things He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose for I am more than a conqueror. Romans 8:28.
Before the year has ended, God has spoken to me through my life net group. The Lord has given me Deuteronomy 31 which can be summarized into this, "be courageous and strong for you must go with this people into the land God has promised and the Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you so do not be terrified and discouraged." I believe this has something to do with the discipleship that He's asking me to do.
He also gave me Joshua 3, "consecrate yourself for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things in you." This one is telling me that I must take my Christian walk very seriously, be transformed by the renewing of my mind so that I will be able to test and approve His good, pleasing and perfect will for me as mentioned in Romans 12:2.
God knows there are few risky things in the gay lifestyle which I have not tried that I am curious to try and I surmise, God wants me to give it up and totally offer myself as a living sacrifice. Well I have decided to surrender it to Him, remove it from my mind and not do it and made a promise to consecrate myself for Him but this time to be fully dependent and trust in Him.
Lord grant that this year I may be more holy and walk more closely than ever in all holy conversation. I earnestly desire to be filled with thy holy thoughts to be carried out in holy affections, determined by holy aims and intentions and governed in all my words and actions by holy principles. Oh that golden thread of holiness may run through the whole web of this year.
This is Matthew Henry's New Year's prayer, this is my prayer and may this be yours too. Happy New Year to all!
Merry Christmas to all!
This could be my last blog post for this year so let me share the beautiful message to our church for this season which is aptly titled "Why God Chose Mary?"
God chose people according to His own purpose. It is not whom men choose but whom God chooses. God will choose people who will make a difference in your life. God is still choosing "Mary's" today, so why Mary? Why you or why me?
First, Mary established God-values in her life that were immovable. She has unquestionable values-convictions. According to my pastor, the following must be every Christians' convictions in life: the Bible will be my infallible guidebook for living, the main reason I exist is to serve God's purposes and it's not about me, God's plan are always better than my own, and obedience to God is what He will use to grow me and fulfill His best for my life.
Second, Mary was still in the process of learning more everyday. In Luke 1:34, her answer is "How can I cooperate with you?" She's willing to obey and she's prepared. God chooses those who are willing to obey even if they do not agree with Him. That is obedience. Pride is the greatest hindrance for us to be used by God.
Christians are both saved and being saved, still learning through convictions. We are saved and are still under God's work. We are all still being saved for new things are happening, Mary was not just saved but also still being saved that's why she could hear correctly from God. Probably you and I are in our situation because we heard from God before and we just obeyed.
I obeyed Him two years ago when He called me and now I am still learning and being saved. Happy birthday Lord Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas to everyone! God bless!
Last Sunday, December 13 marked my second year as a Christian. Reminiscing the past two years of living for the Lord Jesus Christ, I realized that I have been through a lot.
The Lord had given me a ministry on HIV and AIDS which is the "Channels of Hope". He allowed me to speak before the young people in and out of the country. I have learned so many things from my SSA struggle which I am still scuffling with up to present. But most importantly, I have come to know God more through all of these and still in the process of knowing Him deeper and getting more intimate with the Lord Jesus Christ.
It was also a day for water baptism in our church. It's very timely for the celebration of my spiritual birth but I must admit that I was hesitant at first whether I am going to do it or not. I felt that I am not worthy of it because of the recent happenings in my Christian life. But praise the Lord for He made me realize once again who really I am for Him through the words I heard from my close Christian friends. In short, I have decided to be baptized that afternoon praying that God will truly renew my whole being, leaving my old self and living truthfully a new life.
Baptism is an act of obedience. The scripture said that it is dying to old way of living and being resurrected to a new life. When we are baptized we confirm externally that we are the beloved children of God and He takes pleasure in us. In short, it is a public declaration or confession of our faith in Jesus to all including the demons in this world and in the spiritual realm.
Testing of faith will surely come and I pray that God will strengthen me more to choose Him all the time.
By the way, I have made a decision to gradually stopped seeing and talking to this guy I have an ED with as my counselors, friends and Pastor told me. Yes it is quite difficult because of the compassion in my heart I have for him but it is the best for both of us. I will continue to pray for him that he will truly seek God so the change he wants to happen in his life will indubitably take place.
"Let's not continue doing this, it will all over be the same again. It feels good and happy on the first few weeks but will end up sooner or later, with each other being left hurt and heart broken."
These are the words uttered by this guy to my surprise and astonishment in the middle of our cuddling and kissing that day. Oh yes! I almost did it again just the other day. This person is the same guy I have sinned with the third and last time. I met him during the HBC training and we became close friends. He was broken hearted then and need someone to talk to whom he can truly trust. I have offered because honestly, I am attracted to him. I took the chance to know him personally so the mystery of attraction will melt away like what I usually do. Unfortunately this time, it did not work. The more I get to know him, the more I want to be with him that's why since then we became closer. Lord knows I do not want this and I did not expect this to happen.
I have been through with the entire possible struggle that is sex related, from flirting to cruising, masturbation, voyeurism, casual sex and pornography. I never thought that I would have to go through with ED or emotional dependency as well because it is more difficult according to those who have experienced it. I surmise this friendship I have with him can possibly develop into that if I did not put some action plan to stop it. We're both happy when we're together and we miss each other when we're apart.
When I confessed this to one of my pastors and counselors from the church, he said I need to set some boundaries or limitations. Good thing that this friend of mine have made a stand that he don't want me to go back to my old life completely for him; that I am already on the right track of my life and happy with it. He's right with that because from the very beginning I already told him my stand on homosexuality, all the things I have learned why I am trying to live my life away from it and that I am a Christian who is currently going through the process of being change by God.
I think I am falling for him that's why that moment I think I am ready to go with him and backslide. He did not want that but instead, he wants me to fulfill the promises which God has made for me and stick with it.
My counselor advised me that I do not have to evade him completely. Since he made a stand, he believed that I can lead him to Christ only I need to control myself, set limitations and pray for him. I need to follow that because in the first place, the reason why I befriended this guy honestly is to show him that living and suffering for Christ is way much better than living in slavery.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians5:1. Gay lifestyle is living in slavery, sexual addiction, relationships and other habits which make the person more addicted to it, depressed and feeling empty in the end without realizing it.
Thank God that He's truly in control and He's still protecting me despite of my wrong decisions in life. Praise God Almighty!
The Lord has been very good as for another successful "Channels of Hope" workshop was held last week in Baguio City.
It was a two days training for ADP staff and church partners consist of mostly pastors. There are 106 participants who came from different parts of northern and central Luzon. We have people from as far as Cagayan Valley and Isabela. Since the workshop is designed for a maximum of 30-35 participants, we divided them into three according to the area they are working.
Based on their evaluation and facial expressions, they are all blessed and happy to be a part of it. As for me, if they are blessed I am more blessed! Though the enemy was trying to steal some moment when he made me tripped off the stairs, butt first as I went to the other group to share my testimony! Well he can't stop me; I am alright though it gave me a bruise and now it's colored purple.
My mother and sister went with me to church last Sunday. They met everyone in the church including my adopted mother from Palawan and brother, and of course my Pastor and his wife. They have enjoyed the service and hopefully this will be the start of their journey with Christ.
God truly answers prayers. As a matter of fact, I am about to send my application to this job opening directly related to what I am currently doing for His kingdom. A church friend of mine informed me regarding this job via text message while I was in Baguio, hopefully this is God's answer to my prayer and I claim it in Jesus name.
To God be all the honor and glory! Amen.
