D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Saturday, September 19, 2020

Now @ Wordpress


Maintaining two blogs is not practical. I believe most of yo
u would agree. The reason for my transfer to WordPress is the new venture, which I believe God has called me. 

Blogspot is where I had started pouring out my thoughts and emotions when I was rising from rock bottom. Since then, so many things had happened that I am very grateful for. From an HIV patient to being a peer counselor and educator to becoming a local and Asia HIV facilitator, to being a pastoral counselor, and now nearing to obtain my Ph.D. degree as a mental health professional. It has been 12 years in my journey here.

The last post I have here before this one is about my new e-book. It is the new platform I believe the Lord has called me to do at this point in my journey with Him. At first, my motivation was to have an extra source of income. However, my expectation when it comes to sales did not happen. God has made me realized that my motivation is not noble enough. I, too, believe it was kind of selfish. I have come to realize this as soon as I was writing my second e-book. 

I had prayed early this year that He gives me a platform where I can share the knowledge, experiences, learning, and skills I have acquired from either out or in-formal schooling or training. In short, everything I have learned in life that God will lead me to share. When I came across this e-book idea middle of this year, my heart is at peace when I tried starting writing and began watching webinars to educate myself on how to do it.

Thus, to make my content relevant and focus, I have decided to make another one dedicated to this. And yet, I will keep sharing my thoughts, feelings, and new endeavors that are aligned to the theme of my writings. That is being true to yourself. Hence, I called my new website or blog, Simply TRY or Simply The Really You. It is the first step towards mental wellness. Being the real you include all your experiences in life, both good and bad. It is where the tag line "Every Experience Matters" came from. Because it is the truth, take it from a long-term HIV survivor like me and now, a mental health practitioner. Sometimes, I do psychotherapy, but more often, I do counseling and psycho-educational workshops to my clients.

So, to all my dear followers here, please kindly visit my new website through the link below. Do not forget to follow me there and like my post. Thank you for journeying with me here fellow pilgrims. May God bless us all. Soli Deo Gloria!

https://simplytrytherealyou.wordpress.com/



Sunday, July 26, 2020

Wellness And Waiting Season


Are you wondering when your situation that seemingly hampers your once active life is going to end? Like a quarantine due to a pandemic caused by Covid-19, are you waiting longer than you have expected for it to be lifted and the virus disappear? Are you waiting uncertainly for something in your life? Does this long waiting drag you down that it makes you feel hopeless or lonely? Then, this book is for you. Waiting does not have to be a burden. You can turn things around and make things happened while waiting!
All of us are in waiting situations only differently. Perhaps you are waiting for the right job opportunity, waiting for a call on a job interview, or simply waiting to get in the workplace again after some time. While people are waiting for the right person to be in a relationship with, some are waiting for their annulment or divorce to be finalized. We wait for a storm to pass, natural or personal. Of course, these are examples of major waiting in life.
You can buy this eBook by clicking the link below. Thank you for the purchase! Use the 25% discount by sharing and referrals. Enjoy reading and be blessed.

(Originally posted at the website below.)

Thursday, May 7, 2020

The Harrowing Holy Week

It has been a month since that day happened. April 7th, Holy Tuesday, the 23rd day of enhanced community quarantine for our safety from COVID-19, when the unimaginable took place. What had made it more painful is this. It was the second time in our family after my younger brother did exactly the same thing 19 years ago.

All of us in the family was home. We have been doing our daily quarantine routine. Reflecting, I have noticed that there’s a bit of a difference from the usual. I ignored it somehow. When I was about to take my lunch, I got up and was about to walk away from my laptop. As I was about to take a step while looking at my wristwatch, I heard a very loud sound. At first, I simply wondered what was it. Suddenly, my older brother came rushing inside the house telling me that our father shot himself. Automatically, I recognized the sound was a gunshot. I rushed outside to see him lying on his stomach while the fresh blood flows out of his right head. Crying already, I immediately checked his pulse hoping that we can still save him...he’s gone. Just like that.

As a son, I have this sense of guilt. In my three weeks stay at home, I had witnessed what my mother kept telling me. My father was not easy to live with. Small things that irritate him can get easily blow up big time. In no time, every person in the house is either stupid or brainless. He was not proud of any of us his children. We are all big disappointments in his eyes. We are all good for nothing. He had angrily verbalized all these sentiments. I could not blame him. By the world standard, although employed, all of us are not successful. Myself, on the other hand, is a freelancer through God’s ministry calling while finishing my doctorate and surviving barely. For him, it appeared that money is everything. We all just have enough. If only he had learned to be grateful for what he had instead of always looking for more.

Through my eyes, he had lived a very comfortable life. He had stopped working 25 years ago. Yet, he had continued with his alcohol and cigarette vices without falter. He could go out with his friends nearby whenever he wanted to. He had eaten very decent meals and two snacks every day. Aside from going to the market rarely, cooking at times, cleaning a bit the courtyard with murmuring, he would spend his day normally with sleeping and watching TV. This had been his daily routine until his last day. As a Christ-follower, I had learned to accept and love him as he was. However, when in his drunkenness, he physically had hurt my mother I was saddened and irritated simultaneously. Then, I had wished and prayed that God could get him if his absence will bring peace in our verbally abusive home.

As a mental health practitioner, I could not help but blame myself to a certain degree.  One of the topics I have taught many times to people was “Understanding Depression.” Looking back upon the last three weeks of his life, I had seen all the signs and symptoms. He has no energy, lost his appetite, and had eaten barely, sleeping longer during the day than usual, sleepless nights, and never drink or smoke less. He could not go out because of the quarantine. Yes, he can lose his temper quite easily but he had been more irritated than usual. On the contrary, most of the time he appeared sickly. All these I had seen but missed miserably. We had downplayed it. I had downplayed all these for I was so irritated myself with our situation at home emotionally. Witnessing the fights with shouting between my parents more than once a day every day at home was not a good place to be in during quarantine.

Seemingly, he had planned it. His drinking buddies had recounted to us that he often mentioned wanting to die a long time ago. A couple of times, I also heard him wishing that God take him already. He had wished to die first according to my mother. She also had realized in the last few days about the instructions that he had kept saying repeatedly to her as well as to my elder brother. None of us had expected that he could do such a thing. We did not even know that he still had that gun. Now he’s gone. His action may be his sole responsibility. Yet, undeniably, we partly have our share that had driven him to take his own life. This makes it difficult to take the advice of dear friends not to take the blame.

As a Christ-follower, I am struggling with remorse. I had failed as God’s witness to him. Yes, perhaps I had shared with him the good news once or twice. However, I could have tried harder. The only thing I had done was to gather my entire family to debrief them from this traumatic event. On the first of only two nights of his burial after debriefing, I led the family by reading a few verses from the Bible first and closed in prayer for him and all of us. If this would count as a funeral service, then, this was my first to do one.

Two days after we buried him, the house was so quiet. We were grieving in our own ways. For almost two weeks, I would catch myself crying before I sleep at night or after I woke up in the morning. Any scene on TV or movies I was watching that includes father, I cried. Yes, he may be annoying more often than not. Yet, I could not deny the fact that I miss his presence. Yes, I had wished him to be gone but not this way. Deep down inside, I believed what my friend told me, that I love my father. Sadly, he won’t see me graduating and getting my Ph.D.

The home quarantine and COVID-19 fear could be factors too for what happened. But this and all other questions I have in mind does not matter. This loss amid crisis and uncertainty, I have chosen to hold on to my faith. Trusting God more than ever is all I could ever do. Acknowledging these feelings of bewilderment and melancholy while crying out to Him my grief and sorrow are the only way to respond. Only God knows when will I ever get used to this new normal. Losing a loved one or loved ones perhaps is normal and it could have been easier to accept if he died naturally. Irrespective, dealing with a loss will never get any easier. Nevertheless, moving forward from that harrowing Holy week while allowing God to carry me through is the best way I know how to go on and continue to live.

My father had lived for 70 years. He could have lived longer for he was healthy. Sometimes I still wonder. What if I get up even for a few seconds earlier, could I have stopped him? Depression, left unnoticed or downplayed, kills. Truly, the complexities of life can never be fully grasped. Truly, life is too short. Truly, the more reason to trust God. And truly, the more we should live for Jesus no matter what. Yes, I am convincing myself to move forward from this tragedy as a better child of God.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Fighting HQ Challenges

Home quarantine (HQ) is not the kind of vacation we all wanted. The threat of Covid-19 and many other factors in which could be the sources of stress (or trauma for some) is present. As a mental health practitioner, I got this burden to do something while staying at home. I was moved to write this article that could assist people in facing some challenges while in HQ. 

We are only on the tenth day of home quarantine. There are twenty days more to endure if it will be lifted as scheduled. Depending on your personality and coping skills, you may or may not enjoying anymore this containment. If you are an indoor and introverted person, this quarantine is something you maximize and enjoy like I do. Unfortunately, some people are already feeling bored or sad about the situation. Home quarantine could be stressful to many that it can cause fear, anxiety and some degree of depression. What can we do to overcome these three major challenges? Here are some of my thoughts. 

Fear is common to everyone at this point. There are many different kinds of fears we might be feeling but people in quarantine have this fear of uncertainty. Of course, front liners and those who remained faithful serving their communities also feel the same way. Uncertainty is quite challenging to handle for it means, more often than not, waiting. DO NOT LET FEAR TAKE OVER YOU. This is the best time to DWELL IN YOUR FAITH. We have more time to read devotionals and PRAY. We might feel uncertain but God is not. He knows exactly what is happening. We may not fully understand what is going on but God remains in control. 

Anxiety is closely related to fear because of uncertainty. The period of waiting in an uncertain period like home quarantine can cause some anxiety to some especially to those who are not used to staying at home. STAY CALM AND DO NOT FOCUS ON UNCERTAINTIES. If you choose to dwell in your faith, staying calm would be a lot easier. Watching the news and reading from social media remain helpful only when it is there to inform you. When it begins to scare you, stop watching and reading and FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO WHILE WAITING. You said you have no time for many things that you want to do before the quarantine. God has heard you. Use it wisely for you may never get another chance like this.

Depression could happen from prolonged sadness and other symptoms. Two weeks of feeling and showing such symptoms (Google it DSM 5 MDD) could result in minor to severe depressive disorder i.e. if you did not do what I have said above and the recommendations below. A quarantine period can trigger a relapse to those who already have experienced it. Now that you have exercised your faith that supposed to be giving you calmness, BE CONFIDENT IN YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN GO THROUGH THIS. Think of those difficult times you have personally overcome. Now is the time to gather strength from such experiences. Experiences of others similar to what we are going through today are also helpful to revisit and learn from it. Read Exodus in the Old Testament – the plague stories and you may see the almost similarity of today’s scenario. In the end, God has delivered those who obeyed and stayed at home. So, how to fight these HQ challenges?

  1. Dwell in your faith and do not let fear take over you.
  2. Stay calm and do not focus on uncertainties. 
  3. Be confident that this too shall pass.

Perhaps you might be wondering that these three suggestions are too broad. Well, below are the practical recommendations that you and your household can do. 

DWELL IN YOUR FAITH
  1. Read devotionals (alone or as a family if they are open to it) and pray each day of the quarantine period.
  2. Read the Word of God and other inspirational books.
  3. Pray incessantly but make sure you take time to LISTEN TO GOD. Attend to the online service of your respective churches.

STAY CALM AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO
  1. Do debriefing with each other with your family and friends. Ask what are their thoughts, how they are feeling, and discuss possible things that you can do each day of the quarantine period. For people with pre-existing mental health issues, you may want to set an appointment online with your counselor or if you need one.
  2. Connect with friends, colleagues, families, and relatives that you have not talked to for a while. God has allowed the world to develop a technology like the Internet. Use it wisely to connect with people. We are only physically separated but can remain socially connected.
  3. Revisit those hobbies and try on new things. Read books, cook, bake, play online games, do art, sing karaoke, watch movies and series online, have coffee, plant trees in a pot (if you do not have enough empty land), smell the flowers, and watch or listen to the chirping birds. If you have a thing for cleaning every corner of your house, what are you waiting for? Go and clean every dust!

BE CONFIDENT THAT THIS TOO SHALL PASS
  1. Stay home and be safe by obeying the protocols instructed by the authority.
  2. Stay healthy – eat well, drink plenty of water, sleep well, take health supplements, do a home workout, and exercise.
  3. Be a responsible citizen and do your part to protect not just yourself but for others too. Of course, pray for the welfare of the front liners globally. 

The list of suggestions above is not exhaustive. You can add more. The content of this article came from my workshop presentations, readings, and devotionals that I can only remember as I type. If you need professional help, do not hesitate to call your counselor for an online appointment. 

REMEMBER THIS. God has a purpose for this Covid-19 and HQ. We may not know exactly what it is but we can TRUST GOD. Our plans for this year are all messed up however, Proverbs 19: 21 says, “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” In case you find this article helpful, please feel free to share it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Abounding Grace for Forty-Three Years

Four decades and three years but who is counting? Well, we are taught to number our days (Psalm 90: 12) so, yes, I am counting. I am just grateful to God for keeping me alive for forty-three years...and two days now. Without a doubt, the past 43 years has been a reflection of His amazing and abounding grace. Acknowledging the fact that I could have died twice already makes me speechless and in awe about how good and faithful our Almighty Father was and He will remain to be...I guess, even I have been and will be unfaithful at times. Hey, I’m just being real here.

The older I get the more I realize that I need Christ more than I usually do. For this reason, I have only one prayer request from the Lord Jesus on my birthday from this day until the end, that He gives me a heart that loves Him above else. I need a heart that loves Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength that also fears Him, a wise and discerning heart. Consequently, I would live this life only according to His will and purpose continually. Every single moment every day, I may live this God-given life simply to honor and glorify Him.

God’s love is reckless, merciful, and never-ending. He is a good good Father. Simply that is who He is and by the grace of God, I am who I am. With that loving heart, I strongly desire what the Apostle Paul has said (Galatians 2: 20). That in the coming days or years, it is Christ that truly lives in me and no longer I...and incessantly become a channel of His blessings of love, faith, and hope.

Monday, December 30, 2019

HIV and Me – A Flashback Of The Past Decade


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Before the new decade and a new year come, let us take a quick look at some of the highlights in the past ten years of this God-blessed life.

2010 marked the beginning of my two-year work project with WVI in the Asia Pacific Region and the Philippines. Working as the Channels of Hope (CoH) HIV Coordinator has given me opportunities to work in a multicultural and international environment. It has become a training ground that enhanced my facilitation and speaking skills. Also, it has brought me to New Delhi and Jaipur City in India, Nairobi, and Mombasa in Kenya, Singapore, Malaysia, Cambodia, Busan in South Korea, Indonesia, and back in Bangkok, Thailand and Chennai, India.

My four-year journey at Asian Theological Seminary has begun in 2011. Taking up my masters’ degree in Pastoral Counseling was almost every single moment, truly a joy. Also, counseling is both a calling and a passion that God has placed in my heart.

Towards the end of 2013 was another encounter with God where He took away the shame out of being true to myself as I speak and teach about His goodness and faithfulness throughout my life. It was the year when God has shown me how I was taking the glory and honor away from Him whenever I keep untold a part of His precious story through my life where His amazing grace is so much abounding! What a tough call, however, rewarding and liberating!

The following year, 2014, was the launching of that tough call. God has sent me to Kanazawa, Japan to teach and speak the truth in love about the unrelenting issue of same-sex attraction (SSA) to more than 200 missionaries from around the globe for three consecutive weeks! It has become another training ground for honing the said gifts and fighting spiritual battles.

2015 can be considered the highlight of this decade. Three significant things took place. First, I finished my masters’ degree. Second, I passed the Guidance and Counseling licensure exam miraculously. Third, our counseling center was instituted! There was a bonus. In July of that year, I have appeared as the guest resource person in CBN Asia’s The 700 Club. I was invited to share my knowledge and research on the issue of SSA on national TV!

The beginning of 2016 was a war between life and death. I stayed in the hospital for 25 long days as I combat a number of stomach illnesses such as appendicitis, gastrointestinal infections, and pelvic abscesses to name a few. However, it was miraculous healing for God has answered my prayer to be healed without being opened! Moreover, it was a revelation of where my faith or lack thereof that has elevated my journey with the Lord Jesus to the next level. He has demonstrated through this tragic event how His Christian communities should be coming together to help someone who was sick and could be dying.

On the brighter side, 2016 was also the year where HIV Channels of Hope took off again locally through WVDF and has reached the Bicol region and Pangasinan, some parts of Visayas, and Mindanao. In addition, I got my first experience to become a part of the training team of AIDS Link International (ALI) when the seven-days CoH certification training was held in Kuala Lumpur.

Another milestone happened in 2017 when I started my doctorate studies in Clinical Christian Counseling at Asia Graduate School of Theology! Another tough call in which I have to say yes. Through Narramore Christian Foundation’s scholarship, I have a little over a year left to get my Ph.D. and be an excellent God’s “channel or agent” of healing and transformation to His people as a Counselor/Psychotherapist and Psycho-educator. Furthermore, another certification training by ALI was held in Cebu where I got my first diving experience!

In 2018 and 2019, more organizations have come to seek our partnership through our counseling center such as Philippine Retirement Authority, Church Strengthening Ministry, other programs of CBN Asia, schools, and churches. And finally, after 13 years of my diagnosis, I have shared God’s story through my life in the World AIDS Day celebration at San Lazaro Hospital before 250+ people from all walks of life! What a way to cap the year and the decade off!

Undeniably, there is so much to be grateful for the past ten years. Certainly, God’s hands were all in it and He will continue to lead the way this coming 2020 and the new decade! “As we sit on the edge of a new year, we are hemmed in by the faithfulness of God. Behind us are his wondrous deeds. Before us are his merciful plans. Both of them are marvelous and more than can be told. The past and the future belong to Him – and most importantly, so do we” (Hubbard, 2019). Soli Deo Gloria!

Friday, December 13, 2019

12 Years of Faith Journey

“Yesterday’s failures do not determine the outcome of today’s battle.” That is according to Brian Hedges. 

Every thirteenth of December marks the day when my faith journey has begun. Similar to the movie called “12 Years of Slave” or  the “12 Tribes of Israel” or the 
 “12 Days of Christmas”, it has been twelve years since I have given and surrendered my life to the one and only God’s sent Lord and Saviour for everyone. Wow! I still could not believe it! What Hedges said in the quote is true. For yesterday’s failure twelve years ago did not determine the outcome of my battles today. It is Christ Jesus who did and still do after twelve years when He found me and I started to live a life dedicated simply to honor and glorify Him.  

Looking back into those years, I could not help but feel joy, sad at difficult times such as sins and failures, and only adoration to who God truly has been and is. For this reason, I have shared this twelve-years of faith journey in more than twelve minutes to this gathering yesterday. It was my first time to speak about how my life has been for the past twelve years (actually thirteen) at World AIDS Day held in Manila yesterday. The theme for this year’s assembly is “Community Makes a Difference”. Thus, it is just fairly right to highlight the most important of all the communities that have made a difference in my life. That is the church community. 

The body of Christ has played a quite significant part of God’s story being written throughout my life. Without the church, along with my family, advocacy, and healing communities, I don’t think I would be able to have the life I am enjoying today – a somewhat happy and contented life in Jesus. From the failures of yesterday, still, I could not believe I was able to accomplish a lot of things I did not even imagine or dream of. Who would have thought that a former licensed electrical engineer would have turned into a Registered Guidance Counselor when he only desired to finish a master’s degree in counseling? Moreover, maybe I have dreamed of becoming a doctor but not a doctorate degree in Clinical Christian Counseling! So, I will be forever grateful to those people who have supported me in all these. Of course, by God’s grace, these people include my colleagues and dear friends from our counseling ministry. All these communities where I got involved with in the past twelve years have made a difference in my life very positively. 

So, not only that I have found my true calling and passion but also the real purpose of life – a God’s agent of healing and transformation for His people, a channel of God’s hope. Hence, do not worry if you have failed. It will not determine the outcome of our battles today but Jesus. Trust Him. Take it from a failure who have made victorious by the reckless and stubborn love of God. Looking forward to the next twelve years in my journey with Him. Thank you, Lord. Soli Deo Gloria!