A Worth-Remembering Lesson

Journaling, writing, blogging or whatever we may desire to

call it nowadays for me has become spontaneous like tonight. Perhaps I got inspired by the New Year’s Eve holiday. I feel nostalgic to reflect back on the most important lesson that is worth-reminiscing that took place in the past year. THE ACT OF FORGIVENESS.

First, it is truly a HUMBLING experience. Forgiving someone whom you have thought to be the last person to deeply hurt you by his unsubstantiated claims was really hard. With his gentle but blatantly throat-cutting words, I felt judged, worthless, and untrustworthy. He’s the greatest influencer in my eleven years’ journey with the Lord Jesus Christ. I am who I am today largely because I have internalized his teachings and principles from the scriptures! Again, those words were entirely groundless and pure assumptions. He was like a mentor to me! I look up highly to him! I believe you got my point.

Second, the act of forgiveness is truly a PROCESS. The offense took place virtually a year ago when I was moved by the Holy Spirit to do it. My heart was protesting but my mind and body were united to go against it. Honestly, I still cannot believe he did that and I am still hurting until today whenever I think of it.

But I am glad God did it because lastly, the act of forgiveness when you are deeply wounded can only be done by His GRACE. Whenever I think of those words he said, until this moment I fail to understand how or why he did that. It cost our intimate relationship. However, I chose to forgive him almost every day with a little hope that restoration towards a sweeter relationship will happen soon. It taught me what an elder told me a few times. The amount of grace you have received from the Lord is the same grace you can bestow to others especially to those who hurt you the most. Indubitably, I am so grateful to the abounding grace like an ocean that God Himself has bestowed upon me over and over again. So, who am I not to do so? But then again, it is difficult, however, by His grace it is possible.

Yes, through forgiveness reconciliation has taken place and largely, to a certain degree, it has freed me from negative and unhealthy thoughts about him. Nevertheless, as I tread on the path of 2019 towards my twelve years with Christ Jesus, my prayer is that the Lord will allow me to see the remaining pain in a different light. A new perspective that will usher me to become more like Him. That is to do what is right always despite my pain and sinfulness simply because I love Jesus above all. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to see the SILVER LINING through hurt and for teaching me more about humility and grace through the act of forgiveness, especially when my heart says no. Truly, this is a lesson worthy of living and remembering. A Blessed Happy New Year to all! 

Good or God?

“Great hearts can only be made by great troubles.” - Charles H. Spurgeon

That was exactly how my heart felt as I read and finished the book "Good or God: Why Good Without God Isn’t Enough" by John Bevere. I have to say that not only I can relate to virtually every page of this book. But also, I strongly believe God has spoken to me a few times! I was positively disturbed and moved to pray and call out to Him upon revelations after revelations. The answers to most of my "why's?" have been discovered in here. I was amazed how it felt like as if God Himself was speaking to me as I read through the pages. It was like..." see my son, this is all you have to do..." The meaning of GOOD, GRACE, and most importantly the FEAR of the LORD...these three things came into the light like WHOA! YES! LORD! My heart was positively TROUBLED and yet JOYFUL! There were accumulation and accommodation of new and true meaning of these three things! Through Mark 8:34-35, the Lord spoke to me to give up my gay life and desires. Since then, it has become the "cross" I have to take up and carry each day until today. That's where the enemy always attack me as I speak the truth about this issue including HIV&AIDS to churches and Christian communities. There were times I have wanted to give up. STRUGGLE is REAL! However, through my church and closest friends in the ministry, I was able to hang on and continue this journey with the Lord Jesus Christ. For going back is never an option. A long time ago, I have come to realize that apart from God I am nothing. Thus, there's no point of going back but to keep holding on and move forward with the Lord Jesus. 

Now, learning or seeing GRACE as an empowerment has empowered me already! This is not just a saving amazing grace. This is the meaning when God told Paul that His grace is sufficient. Because the grace itself is the power that helps us in our weaknesses. What seems impossible for us is very possible with God through the power of His amazing grace! So, giving ALL to God is possible! For as Christ follower and a believer, it has to be ALL of our life...or NOTHING. God wants all and not just a portion of us. That’s why He is a jealous God! And it is for our own good, for His love for us!

I believed I have received this book as a gift last month in a very perfect timing. Reading it was like the second wind from the Lord for me. Moreover, I realized I was very gentle in loving our “neighbors” that I fail to share the message completely! That speaking the truth through warnings, rebuking and encouraging in love was also an eye-opener for me! I was CONVICTED! The way I teach and speak the message will now definitely change to include these elements with love.

Truly, what appears good, pleasant, and desirable for men maybe not good for God. Everything from God is good, but not everything good is from God. I suggest you get a copy and read this book. Some of your questions with your journey with the Lord could find some answers here. God bless.

Christmas 2010

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6

Last December 13 marked my third year as a real Christian, the time when the Lord Jesus was born into my heart. A lot of amazing things happened in the past three years, a lot of prophecies have turned already into reality.

One of the prophetic words I have received back then was that I will speak before different nations and share God's goodness and faithfulness. It started to happen back in 2008 and God has put me in a position this year where I will constantly do that for two years.

Another prophetic word I received was the restoration of my relationship to my father, it actually happened early this year when I got my first embrace from him after our heart to heart talk with the whole family.

One of those prophecies I am still waiting to happen is the time when I will become a father either physically or spiritually. I still remember that I can't believe upon hearing those words from one of our elders in the church. God knows when I will be ready for that so I am not in a hurry.

Christmas is actually a prophecy by Isaiah which was anticipated and waited by the people in the Old Testament for hundred years. Then it happened more than two thousand years ago, the birth of the blessed child Jesus, the Lord and Saviour of mankind.

God definitely has a plan for each and every one of us. All we have to do is to surrender everything to Him and fully trust Him with all our hearts, then all His plans (Jeremiah 29:11) including those prophetic words we have received and will be receiving surely will turn into reality.

Have a blessed and a Christ-centered Christmas celebration everyone! Merry Christmas!

World AIDS Day & The Church

As people who believe in God, today is an important time to reflect on HIV and our belief that all people are created in God's image whether you are living with HIV, living with someone who is / are HIV positive, are not infected nor affected by it.

We must remain grounded in the spiritual foundation as the Lord Jesus Christ has shown that calls all of us to work for justice and treat all people as our brothers and sisters as we work to promote and protect the rights of PLWH or affected by HIV as well as those who are vulnerable to infection.

First we need to remember we are all broken people and sinners saved by grace. (Romans 7:15-25, Ephesians 2:8-9)

Second, Christ sets the example in Luke 15. Like the father in the parable of prodigal son, we are all asked to bestow the same courtesy to our brother and sisters no matter how bad they have been were. God has full of compassion and slow to anger. (Psalm 145:8-9)

Lastly, God is calling us to function as one body. (1 Cor.12:12-13). We are called to respond as a church but our response should be more than only a spiritual response of evangelism and prayer. We should clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience especially to those who are outcast and oppressed by the society. (Col. 3:12-14)

Our spiritual should be balanced by bringing HOPE in a very practical way to people living with HIV or directly affected by it. Let's remember this day by being channels of God's HOPE to everyone.

Nazirite Phase 3 - Hunger

I am grateful to God for He allowed me to attend the third installment of this training by my pastor held in Baguio City at PBTS last week.

Getting more intimate with God and hungry with Him is the key principle of this phase. Real fasting and praying, intercession and worshiping, meditating on God's word were some of the significant things I have learned which must be a lifestyle of a true follower of Jesus Christ. First phase started with humility all the time followed by holiness, which by the way the greatest experience I had on this training, and then intimacy with our Creator through Jesus.

Honestly, I never really had an encounter with God during this phase unlike in holiness where God had truly spoken to me as early on our first night. My pastor told me then it was the best testimony he ever heard from me because I uttered words of encouragement to young people. I remember I was very inspired by the Holy Spirit while delivering those words. It was also the time when my feelings for this beautiful lady became passionate. By the way, the last time I checked she's getting married late this year. I never got the chance to tell her how I feel. Obliviously she's hurting me but I am alright, God shielded my heart from too much pain.

The best thing that happened to me on this training was when the boys of the participants, mostly member of our church worship team, asked me to join them on their bonding moments. I really felt I belong to this group of male, just one of the boys having fun! They did not treat me as "gay" but as their respected older brother instead! It feels great to be just one of the guys praise the Lord!

Now we're closer and have more passion for Jesus! What a wonderful experience back there, thanks to Him!

When I got back to Manila, I was put to test by the enemy but God's grace is sufficient for me to choose Him over the temptations he had set. It was hard I must admit but God will always provide a way out. All I have to do is to decide to get out.

It's time to put into practice everything I have learned from the beginning and live the Nazirite lifestyle, walking in humility and holiness very intimately with God.

The Battleground of Mind

According to the book written by Francis Frangipane entitled "The Three Battlegrounds" there are three arenas of spiritual warfare; the mind, the church and the heavenly places. Let me share what God taught me with the battleground of mind.

My friend counselor asked me to read this book when I confessed to him the recent sins I have committed which happened early last month. Well I'm quite over it for more than three weeks now, thank God for His grace and mercy! He said that everything starts in the mind so he lent me this book and I have learned a lot!

Victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips. It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our hearts.

I have learned that as a Christian, the goal is Christ-likeness and not warfare. We are called to be transformed into Christ's likeness and not for anything else. It will start with an honest heart before God and maintaining it which is the greatest defense we can have against the devil. Therefore it's being humble at all times. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble, James 4:6. Then in verse 7 it continues, "Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Humility is the first step for it is the stronghold of the godly.

When the enemy (Satan) accuses us of some sin or flaw, agree with thine adversary then turn to God in humility. Satan fears virtue so he is terrified of humility for it is submission to the Lord.

Pulling down all the strongholds is the demolition and removal of these old ways of thinking so that the actual Presence of Jesus Christ can be manifested through us. In doing this we need to take every thought captive to Christ to the obedience of Him, 2 Cor. 10:5. Arrest the thought "I am just a sinner!" by replacing it with the confession of our faith that now we are a beloved child of God and though we occasionally still sin, Christ's blood cleanses us of all unrighteousness through confession, 1 John 1:9. We are a new creation for the old has gone and the new has come, 2 Cor. 5:17.

Focusing on God's highest purpose will bring us peace during the warfare for God is a God of peace and it will soon crush Satan under our feet, Rom. 16:20; only then we can rule in the midst our enemies!

Let us pray: "Lord Jesus, I submit to You. I declare, according to the Word of God, that because of Your power to subject all things unto Yourself, the weapons of my warfare are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds (2 Cor. 10:3-4). I repent for using the lie, "I will never be like Jesus," as an excuse to sin and compromise my convictions. In Jesus' name I renounced my flawed, sinful old nature and, by the grace of God and the power of Your Spirit, I pull down the stronghold of unbelief that exists in my mind. Because of the perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I am a new creation. And I believe that I will go from glory to glory, being continually transformed into Christ's image as I walk with God in Jesus name I pray. Amen."

I copied this prayer from the book and have decided to apply what I have learned; praying not to fall on the same sin over and over again and that the victory in me will be consummated by Jesus' nature in my heart.

Remember, victory begins with the name of Jesus on our lips. It is consummated by the nature of Jesus in our hearts.

Why Mary? Why Me? Why you?

Merry Christmas to all!

This could be my last blog post for this year so let me share the beautiful message to our church for this season which is aptly titled "Why God Chose Mary?"

God chose people according to His own purpose. It is not whom men choose but whom God chooses. God will choose people who will make a difference in your life. God is still choosing "Mary's" today, so why Mary? Why you or why me?

First, Mary established God-values in her life that were immovable. She has unquestionable values-convictions. According to my pastor, the following must be every Christians' convictions in life: the Bible will be my infallible guidebook for living, the main reason I exist is to serve God's purposes and it's not about me, God's plan are always better than my own, and obedience to God is what He will use to grow me and fulfill His best for my life.

Second, Mary was still in the process of learning more everyday. In Luke 1:34, her answer is "How can I cooperate with you?" She's willing to obey and she's prepared. God chooses those who are willing to obey even if they do not agree with Him. That is obedience. Pride is the greatest hindrance for us to be used by God.

Christians are both saved and being saved, still learning through convictions. We are saved and are still under God's work. We are all still being saved for new things are happening, Mary was not just saved but also still being saved that's why she could hear correctly from God. Probably you and I are in our situation because we heard from God before and we just obeyed.

I obeyed Him two years ago when He called me and now I am still learning and being saved. Happy birthday Lord Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas to everyone! God bless!

Water Baptism

Last Sunday, December 13 marked my second year as a Christian. Reminiscing the past two years of living for the Lord Jesus Christ, I realized that I have been through a lot.

The Lord had given me a ministry on HIV and AIDS which is the "Channels of Hope". He allowed me to speak before the young people in and out of the country. I have learned so many things from my SSA struggle which I am still scuffling with up to present. But most importantly, I have come to know God more through all of these and still in the process of knowing Him deeper and getting more intimate with the Lord Jesus Christ.

It was also a day for water baptism in our church. It's very timely for the celebration of my spiritual birth but I must admit that I was hesitant at first whether I am going to do it or not. I felt that I am not worthy of it because of the recent happenings in my Christian life. But praise the Lord for He made me realize once again who really I am for Him through the words I heard from my close Christian friends. In short, I have decided to be baptized that afternoon praying that God will truly renew my whole being, leaving my old self and living truthfully a new life.

Baptism is an act of obedience. The scripture said that it is dying to old way of living and being resurrected to a new life. When we are baptized we confirm externally that we are the beloved children of God and He takes pleasure in us. In short, it is a public declaration or confession of our faith in Jesus to all including the demons in this world and in the spiritual realm.

Testing of faith will surely come and I pray that God will strengthen me more to choose Him all the time.

By the way, I have made a decision to gradually stopped seeing and talking to this guy I have an ED with as my counselors, friends and Pastor told me. Yes it is quite difficult because of the compassion in my heart I have for him but it is the best for both of us. I will continue to pray for him that he will truly seek God so the change he wants to happen in his life will indubitably take place.

Holiness Training

Hello readers!

I attended the second phase of the Nazarite training which is about holiness last week from Wednesday to Friday at Teacher's camp in Baguio City.

It was a wonderful experience for I was able to share my testimony to the small group first then to the whole group to give encouragement to the young generation. I can't remember all the things I have said, that is how the Holy Spirit works according to them.

As far as I can remember, I was so moved, touched and hurt by the struggle shared by a couple of delegates and it's more than enough to stand and speak in front of everybody to declare that Jesus can truly heal each and every one of us no matter how disastrous our lives has been! God is absolutely in the business of changing people's lives.

I declared that our generation must not allow the enemy to steal, kill and destroy us but strive harder and continue journeying with the Lord if we want a change of our nation for the better in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have built new friendships and so thankful to God for this great experience. Though I must admit that on the first night alone, I want to go home for I know that the Lord will require me a lot for this training and I was right. God told me that I need to get serious with my Christian walk and must let go of the things I need to let go which are not helpful in my recovery and do the things I need to do to have a clear conscience in order for me to hear His voice very clearly.

I know it's not that easy but I believe that God's grace is good enough for me to accomplish this. God bless to you all!

Be A Lotus

I just want to share this message sent to me by a friend a couple of months ago. It is very nice!

Confucius says and I want to say it too, "be a lotus". It means no matter how ugly, how evil, and how sinful everyone around you might become, do not allow yourself to be stained. A lotus remains beautiful even as it lingers in the filthy waters of the pond. Do not be contaminated nor influenced by worthless means. Remain radiant among the shadows of darkness.

Be a lotus, it has to start with one to fill the pond with more.

Honestly, I was struck by this message. I believe that as a Christian, we have to be like a lotus. We live in a fallen and broken world and evil is present everyday, everywhere. We should not be contaminated nor influenced by them but we need and we must shed our light to those who live in darkness.

To all the Christians out there, let us be a lotus!

Faith

The past two weeks were not normal for me as I have been sick for a week, I am so lost with my Christian walk that I have found it hard to trust and know God with all my heart, my sister have chosen to live with her boyfriend without getting married making my mother felt very bad with it and then only to lose the baby thru miscarriage last night. All of these predicaments made me feel so low emotionally and spiritually.

Totally I have felt so lost with my Christian journey for I don't know myself anymore and I can't seem to fathom what's going on with me. I am reading the bible everyday and yet it is still hard for me to know God by heart, my prayers were left unanswered and still trying very hard to be patient thinking I am still in my own "three days" and feeling lost that I have no idea what am I gonna do with my life. It feels like that I am in the middle of nowhere and afraid to take big steps and decisions in life. Then yesterday, I think God has spoken to me through my dear friend J.

J asked me how I was and I said I am physically alright but emotionally and spiritually devastated. At first, I refused to open up myself because I am sick and tired of being comforted by other people which makes me feel useless in some ways since I became a Christian but eventually I have decided to pour out myself to him. I am glad that I did it for he made me understand very clearly what I have been going through by telling me his personal story.

I have learned that knowing God through our own mind is not enough to put our full trust to Him. It's hard to trust someone you do not know by heart and it will take time and leap of faith to do that. I told J that part of my everyday prayers is asking God to reveal himself because I want to know Him more, to trust Him more, to serve Him and to love Him more. My friend said that God is listening to my prayers and all I need to do is to allow Him to reveal himself on His way and not on my terms. I must admit that I am asking God to speak to me through my dreams for I am having a hard time discerning His words through the bible and people around me sent by Him. The silence I am receiving from God made me feel at lost with myself and alienated in this world for I have no idea what to do and where to go.

God is not like a genie who will grant our prayers instantly. He has his own ways of answering our prayers. Sometimes God wants us to open a door to receive the answer to that prayer or He would ask us to clear some paths before us able to get to the answer God has prepared for us. Instead of direct answer to our prayers, God sometimes gives directions and guidance for us to get what we asked for.

When J told me his pains and sufferings with his own journey and relating them to all these things, he made me understand what faith really is. Trusting God does not mean simply knowing Him with the mind, submitting ourselves to Him and praying. Faith is seeking God with all our heart and taking bold steps and doing something that we are truly unfamiliar with and lifting them up to the Lord. Getting involve into something we already knew is not faith. Faith is stepping into the unknown and allowing God to work on it.

Upon learning that my sister lost her two month old baby last night, it ripped my heart for I know how my sister wanted to have a baby to the point of committing a lot mistakes just to have it. I grieved for the lost but this time instead of feeling disheartened to the Lord, it made me feel closer to Him and simply lifted up this to Him. I have prayed that God will give my sister enough courage and strength to get through with this and hopefully this will become the way of giving herself to the Lord. I must admit I am still weeping right now for I know how it is hard to lose something that you really want just like that. I hope God has something better in store for my beloved sister.

I am so glad and thankful that God has sent people that will help me understand all the things that I've been going through like J. Taking a leap of faith is not easy but nothing is impossible with God.

Changes That Occured To Me

A lot of changes happened to me when I became a Christian; it was not abrupt in a way but gradual. My Christian doctor invited me to attend the 10 Wednesday Alpha Course to be held at their church. You can take a look at my previous blogs entitled Alpha Course and My 31st Birthday for detailed information. At first I was hesitant because even though I have surrendered my life to the Lord and accepted Him into my heart as my personal Savior, I thought it's somewhat hard for me to make 180 degrees turn suddenly. Imagine this, I was so used in taking control of my self and now, all of a sudden I have to end that self-rule and be totally dependent to someone I have not seen and sometimes can't even feel! But then I realized, well I have nothing to loose anymore and I guess the worst already happened to me so why not give it a good shot. After all, He created me.

First and foremost, I feel so free right now. I don't feel like perturbing anymore about my future, my career, especially my love life. Currently, I do not have a job or any financial resources but God has proven to me that He provides when there's a need. The Alpha Course entailed me to go to Manila for 12 consecutive Wednesdays, and it cost me more than I have set aside. The Lord worked on it through a Christian friend, he's like a spiritual father to me, who have shouldered some of my expenditures for more than half of the entire session. Now I still have a budget for the next few Sunday services too! God is really good.

Secondly, I began to love reading the Bible and I am guided by "Our Daily Bread". I have become hungry of God's words that I actually spend at least 10-15 minutes a day doing it. What's really amazing is that this time I understand it more than ever unlike before.

Next, my way of talking to God has changed. I learned now how to pray in a Godly manner. I call it "together time" with the Lord where I exalt Him, give thanks especially for my salvation and the free gift of eternal life, confess all my sins and ask forgiveness, ask God to take control of my entire life and surrender my heart, and humbly ask Him to reveal Himself and plans to me, consult the decisions I am about to make, and prayers for other people. It feels good talking to our God freely!

The crowd I want to associate myself with now has also changed. Every minute being with my fellow Christians is truly a blessing! It's not that I don't want to be with non-Christian people, but it's more of a putting myself in a situation with people with less temptations. It's like being in a less or none perilous situation. Sadly, temporarily leaving other friends, whom I think would not help to make this whole life change possible and hopefully permanent must be done, like my gay friends. Actually, I have changed my celfone number coz in a way it's a part of the new me.

Prior to my Christian life, I love reading self help books or anything that really interest me. Now, I am fascinated with the books written by Christians. It's really fun learning from other people's experiences. They are inspiring enough to convince myself that entrusting fully my life and having a personal relationship with God is the right and best thing to do more than anything else.

My Sundays are never the same again. Every time I do the church service, I can strongly feel God's presence most especially during the worship. The words shared by the pastors in our congregation are very inspiring and truly applicable to my daily walk with Jesus Christ.

Frankly speaking, I cannot say that my faith to God and to myself is 100 percent because sometimes I worry about on few things inevitably especially when the need is just right there. But I can say that my faith has tremendously increased that I have become more eager to know God in anyway possibly I can. Well I am aware that as a Christian, a 101 percent faith to God and self is a must but I guess it should be developed and cannot be done in an instant in my case. I will get used to it I know.

Lastly and the most important change for me, my self control when it comes to temptations has increased remarkably. As a physically attractive homosexual guy myself, it's really hard to resist most especially if they are just right in front of me and find them attractive as well and aware that they are interested to hook up with me.

Galatians 5:16. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will nor gratify the desires of sinful nature.
James 4:7-9. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
Leviticus 20:13. If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

These are some of God's word that I always remember whenever I am facing a temptation. Also it says in 1 Corinthians 6:9 that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God including the homosexual offenders along with other kind of sinners. Like I said, this is and will be my hardest spiritual battle as a Christian. I have fell short and tempted already more than twice as a Christian and the guilt feeling was far worse than before. That's why I also keep this kind of feeling to my mind when I am in a tempting situation or every time a sinful desire occurs to me mentally or physically. Mind is the hardest to control coz more often than not; I caught myself thinking sinfully and unaware. When I think about this awful feeling, as well as these bible verses, now I can simply walk away from gratifying my sinful desires. The Holy Spirit must be really dwelling in me. I may not be always victorious because still I am a human, but now I need to be more and more responsible for my actions. My spiritual counselors and advisers keep saying to me that when I fell short or were not able to fight a certain temptation and gave in, just come back to God and repent. Of course, I do not want to abuse God's love that's why I need to be on guard all the time. Besides, I just can't remember where, but I read that albeit God's unconditional love took that risk of forgiving us and not forsaking us every time we sincerely comes back to Him; it has a certain limitation and the punishment is severe. What I am saying is that though God always forgives us when we stumble, it does not waive the penalty that our actions have brought upon us. He doesn't want us to be offenders.

My first two months as a Christian was a bit different compared to the last one and a half month of it, and it was due to the Holy Spirit receiving week session happened on the 25th of February. Now, as the days goes by these positive changes is becoming a little bit more intense and I am so happy about it. Of course, some times I still worry about things but now I just pray and talk to God then I will be alright.

I am not saying that I am already the person that I should be but definitely I am not the person that I used to be. It's an everyday work for me to be that person.

When I think of what the Lord has for me in the future, I am excited! I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I do know who holds my future! These are great times to be alive for Jesus! I have never known what was waiting around the next corner.

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

My Journey To Jesus Christ 2nd Part

It was 2005 when I first submitted my whole life to God and started reading the bible with the gospel of John. After that series of unfortunate events occurred and can't even find a job which is good as my first, I returned to my family and did almost nothing for a year. During this time when I tried to recall everything I've been through while waiting for the elusive result of my visa application. I have finished the whole John gospel and have felt that I want to change; it's just that I did not know how.

Ever since I was a kid, I believed in God. John 14:12-14 says, I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

I took this words literally, so my prayers to Him every night were consist of giving thanks, asking forgiveness, asking for what I want in my life like for instance; the fast and positive result of my visa application, and asking God to take care of me and every aspect of my life. I became so close to Him. Around this time when my homosexual activity toned down more than a little but what I forgot was I did not addressed it to the Lord. From the start, even though I have not read it from the bible yet just from heresy, I have no idea why I have this feeling that having sex with a man or men if you're a guy is simply not just right. It explains why I have a sudden feel of guilt every after encounter. Yes like I have said it was toned down but never stops. Still I have continued to search and look for men that will satisfy my sexual need until I got employed to this call center in early 2006. It was not as frequent as before because I have worked on a graveyard shift, and I know that deep down inside of me I really have wanted to cease. Actually, I thought my prayers were answered when the Australian Embassy asked me to complete my medical exam via mail that's why I have decide to get a job while waiting. Only to lead me to another predicament, this in turn will change my entire life and eventually lead me to Lord Jesus Christ.

Late 2007 when my visit to my Christian doctor became frequent and every time she asked me how I am doing, always I retorted I want to make something good out of my condition. I told her that I believed God has a reason and has a different plan for me why He did not allow my plans to succeed and let this tragic thing happened to me. I have started to look at the brighter side because that's the best thing that I can do in my present situation. I began to ask not only myself but her as well as to what is the purpose of my life, why am I here if God will only hurt me by not giving me all that I have wanted even though He witnessed that I worked so hard for all of it. Then my Christian doctor told me that I am a candidate to be a born again Christian. She told me that the Lord wants me to completely surrender my life to Him and leave the kind of life I used to have and I have dreamed of. She prayed over me and instructed to ask forgiveness with all my heart from God, and to accept Jesus Christ to be my personal Lord and Savior, while weeping. I was very emotional that time that I cried for like half an hour coz I have felt I have nowhere left to go but only to Him. It was December 2007.

She gave me a book as an early Christmas present written by Anne Graham-Lotz entitled Just Give Me Jesus, after I have finished, it was then I have truly understand all the sufferings on the cross by our Lord Jesus Christ. He did it for mankind's salvation. He wants us to live according to His words and accepts Him to be our personal Lord and Savior. He wants people to submit their lives and be totally dependent on Him and live a true Christian living. Follow God's word, and live in a godly way. The book was really nice and has truly pierced my heart the way the author described in details Jesus Christ's suffering that I wept while reading some chapters of it.

According to my new Christian friend, it was my spiritual birthday, the day when I was born again. After that prayer by my Christian doctor, nothing dramatic change took place in me. She invited me to attend to their church on Sundays and I started reading the bible guided by "Our Daily Bread". It was then I realized that if I want to follow the Lord and live the Kingdom living, I need to think and act in a Christ way. Meaning, I need to kill the old me since all my sinful ways has been washed away when I accepted the Lord. This was the start of my spiritual battle, and the hardest for me was avoiding and stop having sexual encounter with men and totally leave behind the homosexual life and be an ex-gay.

My Journey To Jesus Christ 1st Part

Prior to the decision of eventually submitting and entrusting my whole life to Lord Jesus Christ and accepting Him as my personal Lord and Saviour, my life was in a total darkness, emptiness, loneliness, and yes, truly meaningless after accepting the fact that my so called life has been sentenced by that medical result. Apparently, I am a dead-man walking and trying to appear alive doing the things normal people would normally do. I was still employed that time. My life was totally lifeless for the next two months after that realization. As previously posted, I have no idea what to do after accepting the bad news and digested it into my system. I have confessed this dilemma to some few trusted friends and I was so blessed for they accepted and did not judged me. One of them even helped me out to refer to her friend working in a non-government organization that helps people like me. I thought about committing suicide for several times. I even pictured myself lying on the way of the train waiting for it to come and finally end my life for more than a couple of times. I just can't do it because I have seen how painful it was for my parents to loose a son when my brother took his life. Simply, I just can't do it because I am well aware that it is a mortal sin to take one's life especially my own life! I think this is the real reason why God has allowed that tragic event in our family to happen a few years ago, to made me realize all of these and not do it to myself.

The first doctor I have talked to about my health condition told me that there's an organization consists of people living with HIV or PLWH who can relate to me and gives me moral support that I will need. She introduced me to the president of Pinoy Plus Association Inc. He helped me to get access for free medical check-up in this government hospital in Manila, where I met the Christian doctor who guided me on my search to the true meaning of life which will eventually lead to Lord Jesus Christ.

Our immune system is the ultimate target once the HIV virus entered into our body. You can never tell who is positive to the virus just by looking at person physically unless he or she will tell you. If you're going to look at me most probably you would not believe that I am positive simply because I look perfectly healthy. Like I said in my previous blog, I have nice body built due to regular work out, nice healthy skin, and I weighs exactly just right for my height and age. To determine my current health status, I was asked to do the CD4 test. This lab test will show the count of CD4 cells which composed the immune system and ascertains if it's time for me to the take anti-retroviral drugs or ARV. This medicine will prolong the life of an HIV patient for it diminishes the increase of virus in the body hopefully to the point that it can no longer be detected when a viral load test is done. That's the test which defines how much virus a person has in his body; it's quite expensive though and better be done after a year of taking ARV. By the world standard, a person with a CD4 count of 350 and below is required to take the ARV. It's still the patient's prerogative if he wants to start taking the medicine coz it has numerous side effects, but the higher the CD4 count like 200-350 the better coz the lesser side effect a person can get or sometimes nothing. Besides, a lot of counseling session from the doctor is required to discuss everything such as the real deal with HIV, ARV and its side effects, do's and don'ts, and other concerns. According to my CD4 test, I need to start taking the medicine coz the result of my lab test was 331 so I have decided already after weighing the pros and cons. It's a lifetime medication so the best judgment must be made. The reason why it took me 5 or 6 counseling session was, my doctor insisted me to tell my condition to my parents. At first, I was so firm with my decision to handle everything all by myself and not telling it to anyone especially to my family. Eventually, I was convinced by her and also I realized that they have all the right to know for the simple reason that they are my family no matter what so I told them. I told it to my sister first, of course she cried, and requested her to give my letter where I told everything to our parents. Sorry but I can't afford to see them hurting because of what happened to me that's why I opted to mention every details of it through a letter, in that way I will not miss out anything. It was 8 months after I was diagnosed when I have finally decided to break the bad news to my sister, then to my parents. I was in Manila coz I am still working that time when they got the letter so when I came home a week after, we never talked about it but I was surprised when they replied with a letter also. Well, we're not the type of family who are so blatant of what we feel or what we think. We all know that we really loved each other; it's just that we're not vocal and showy about it. The content of my parent's letter, well they wrote to me separately, was enough for me to face this dilemma dauntlessly. The line where my father told me that he's willing to take my place if that disease can only be transferred brought so much tears to my eyes and my mother reassured their love for me through that reply. Praise the Lord! I was blessed with a very understanding, caring, and loving family!

June 2007, I started the trial of ARV for 14 days and nothing has happened to me. No side effects have occurred, not until on the 20th day when I was home already. For the next 10 consecutive days, every morning and evening after eating my meal I just threw them up. Most of the time, I was nauseated and felt weak. After those 10 days, I felt better and my feeling went back to normal. Aside from my doctor's advice to quit my call center job with unhealthy working schedule, I was forced to resign due to my absences. Well, that was the worst side effect I have experienced so far after taking ARV for more than 9 months now. Currently, the side effect which occurring to me is the skin irritation and peeling around my finger nails on hands and feet. I thought it was syphilis but after the test, it was not.

August 2007 when I have started to bum around, I just stayed at home with my parents. My regular check up is once a month every Thursday to see if there are possible opportunistic infections and to get the ARV. So far, aside from that skin problem I mentioned I am very well ok. During this idle time of my life when I began to contemplate on everything I have been through ever since I became independent and took control of my life. I came to a realization that all my actions and decisions have been motivated by my stupid ambition to be wealthy, to be recognized, and to find a partner. But most of the time, I was driven by my desire to have more money! Well, I just want to give my parents somehow a luxurious life after all the sacrifices they have done for us children, travel and visit some parts of the world and the country with them, to have a condo unit of my own and a car, and probably my own business. There's nothing wrong with that I guess, but I was so consumed by all of these desires that somehow I forgot about God! Yes I have thanked Him and asked forgiveness every time I prayed to Him every night, but I guess it was not enough.

Every time I visit my Christian doctor for my check up and counseling, she always asked how I am. I told her that I believe there's a reason why this horrible thing happened to me and I was so determined to discern that reason.