The past two weeks were not normal for me as I have been sick for a week, I am so lost with my Christian walk that I have found it hard to trust and know God with all my heart, my sister have chosen to live with her boyfriend without getting married making my mother felt very bad with it and then only to lose the baby thru miscarriage last night. All of these predicaments made me feel so low emotionally and spiritually.
Totally I have felt so lost with my Christian journey for I don't know myself anymore and I can't seem to fathom what's going on with me. I am reading the bible everyday and yet it is still hard for me to know God by heart, my prayers were left unanswered and still trying very hard to be patient thinking I am still in my own "three days" and feeling lost that I have no idea what am I gonna do with my life. It feels like that I am in the middle of nowhere and afraid to take big steps and decisions in life. Then yesterday, I think God has spoken to me through my dear friend J.
J asked me how I was and I said I am physically alright but emotionally and spiritually devastated. At first, I refused to open up myself because I am sick and tired of being comforted by other people which makes me feel useless in some ways since I became a Christian but eventually I have decided to pour out myself to him. I am glad that I did it for he made me understand very clearly what I have been going through by telling me his personal story.
I have learned that knowing God through our own mind is not enough to put our full trust to Him. It's hard to trust someone you do not know by heart and it will take time and leap of faith to do that. I told J that part of my everyday prayers is asking God to reveal himself because I want to know Him more, to trust Him more, to serve Him and to love Him more. My friend said that God is listening to my prayers and all I need to do is to allow Him to reveal himself on His way and not on my terms. I must admit that I am asking God to speak to me through my dreams for I am having a hard time discerning His words through the bible and people around me sent by Him. The silence I am receiving from God made me feel at lost with myself and alienated in this world for I have no idea what to do and where to go.
God is not like a genie who will grant our prayers instantly. He has his own ways of answering our prayers. Sometimes God wants us to open a door to receive the answer to that prayer or He would ask us to clear some paths before us able to get to the answer God has prepared for us. Instead of direct answer to our prayers, God sometimes gives directions and guidance for us to get what we asked for.
When J told me his pains and sufferings with his own journey and relating them to all these things, he made me understand what faith really is. Trusting God does not mean simply knowing Him with the mind, submitting ourselves to Him and praying. Faith is seeking God with all our heart and taking bold steps and doing something that we are truly unfamiliar with and lifting them up to the Lord. Getting involve into something we already knew is not faith. Faith is stepping into the unknown and allowing God to work on it.
Upon learning that my sister lost her two month old baby last night, it ripped my heart for I know how my sister wanted to have a baby to the point of committing a lot mistakes just to have it. I grieved for the lost but this time instead of feeling disheartened to the Lord, it made me feel closer to Him and simply lifted up this to Him. I have prayed that God will give my sister enough courage and strength to get through with this and hopefully this will become the way of giving herself to the Lord. I must admit I am still weeping right now for I know how it is hard to lose something that you really want just like that. I hope God has something better in store for my beloved sister.
I am so glad and thankful that God has sent people that will help me understand all the things that I've been going through like J. Taking a leap of faith is not easy but nothing is impossible with God.