D R . E L R O I


Sunday, May 4, 2008

Who Am I?

This is actually a title of a Christian song sung by Casting Crowns. When my good friend J, whom I've met during the Channels of Hope training, asked me this question today and of course he said "who are you?" I can't find the right answer. We spend the whole afternoon together at the mall in Mandaluyong after the Sunday church service. I was telling him about what I've been through the past three days that I feel like I am having a shabby walk as a Christian and how I have contemplated the idea of going back to my old self. It's like I am living a double life, well, that's what I thought but today God has spoken to me thru J and our church Pastor.

Yes I must admit that at this point of my life, I can say that my trust to God is not whole and He knows that and I am well aware that it should not be the case for I have entrusted my life to Him. I still have the tendency to take control over things in my life. Since I have wanted to obey God to show that I love Him, I keep on waiting and I always pray that He'll wait for me too to make that trust full. All these confusions in my mind were enlightened by God today that's why I am so thankful and happy.

The preach was about Saul and the three days in the history of the world in which the famous is the death of Jesus Christ and when He lived on the third day. All of us will experience or currently experiencing our own three days in our life. This is the waiting period from where we asked something from God until the time He fulfilled it. It could be three days or three months or three hours or even three years or most of the time, longer than that. In this period where our faith is being test by God, is the time when He is preparing us for something before He finally gave what we asked for. He's teaching us to be patient during this time. God wants us to be ready to accept what we actually prayed for. During this period, God wants us to give Him time for He can do a lot in three days. Our prayers will be answered directly or indirectly in His time; it could be exactly what we prayed for or it could be a direction the path He wants us to take. All we need to do is to give Him time and be patient.

Another thing is we need to pray for a change. Most of the time, we think we are actually praying but the truth is we're actually complaining about our situation. We should pray that God would change our situation instead of being crabby. We must discern the reason why God is delaying or allowing other things to happen instead of giving exactly what we prayed for.

Finally, God is teaching us to be humble. Humility is a virtue that every people should carry. We need to be honest with God when we pray that we can't do it anymore and we need His help. Remember that God wants us to be fully dependent on Him. Unless we have learned what God really wants to teach, He will keep delaying the answer to our prayers.

When I have become a Christian and decided to leave homosexuality behind, I always pray every night that God will stop my sexual desire on attractive men and He will keep them away from me. Also, I always pray that He will immediately change my views on men coz I don't know until when I can do this celibacy. I don't want to commit mistake again but the temptation is everywhere and my prayers remain unanswered. I keep praying that He will continue to work in my life for I have given all of me to Him and use me according to His purpose of my life in this world. It includes the job and ministry that I have asked for, though something is happening but for me it's taking too long. All these issues were answered today praise the Lord!

My friend J do not use the term homosexual or gay to someone who has left it and became a Christian. He said that when a person was born again spiritually and became a Christian, the old person has died and the new one is trying to emerge. I think I have mentioned this in my first few postings but somehow it slipped off my mind. So when he asked me the question "who are you?'" as a person in terms of sexuality, here's the right answer.

I am a man and a Christian with a struggle in same-sex attraction; presently on my three days learning humility and discerning God's direction for my life. Actually, I answered J first that in scale of 1-10 and 10 being the real man and 1 as gay I said I am in 2.5 or 3. My reason was that I can still feel same sex attraction and lust though I can turn my back away from them to avoid sex but it's really a struggle, then I said I am still gay. Then he made me realize that now I am an ex-gay, that's the reason why I don't use this term on my postings here regarding homosexuality. If the person chooses to leave the gay lifestyle and decided to walk in light with the Lord, that person is identified as an ex-gay and a Christian man struggling with same sex attraction. That's me, my true identity.

Who are you?

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