15th Month

Last June 20th marked the 15th month of my vow to Jesus to consecrate myself for Him.

For some people, what I am doing seems to be incredulous and peculiar but all I can say is that it is indeed really possible by God's grace alone. No one can celibate on his own, God's intervention is highly involved.

I must admit as well that I miss having sexual intimacy with a man I am physically attracted to and God knows that for I always tell it to Him and ask Him to turn these sinful desires into a fire burning for Jesus. It is very hard and I almost came to the point that I want to give in to temptations but thank God for His grace is sufficient.

Again I don't know until when I could do this for Jesus but I hope and pray until I get married simply because I don't want to grieve the Holy Spirit by committing this detestable act. Oh God but you know that I still have this desire for this certain man and I yield it to you for I do not want it.

Thank you God for all the blessings for I do believe I have a life God truly blesses. Shalom!

Faith Extender

This is the title of the book I have just finished reading written by Dr. John F. Avanzini.

It is all about faith and thinking beyond what we can see on the real world. It is seeing by imagination what God really wants for us despite of the reality we are facing and then declaring it aloud as if we're very sure that what we have pronounced will going to happen. That is faith.

What struck me most is the faith of healing whether it is physical or emotional or sexual healing. 1 Peter 2:24 says that by Jesus Christ's wounds we have been healed. Also in Isaiah 53:5, it says by His wounds we are healed. We need to pronounce in a loud voice that we are healed from whatever sickness we have in this world including sexual brokenness.

So I say out loud that "I am healed and I am going to be the man that God has originally created me to be! I am going to be the real man of God!" Whoa! That feels great! I feel very positive.

Hebrews 11:1 says faith is the substance of the things we hoped for; the evidence of things we do not see.

Hence, I am going to practice the faith extender and I encourage you brothers and sisters to do the same. God bless you all.

Cebu Trip and COH in CDO 2

Two weeks ago I was in Cebu with my friends and officemates for a workshop which is part of my work as ARH Specialist.

I had a great time for I have learned a lot. Also I took the chance to see the Magellan's cross and the beauty of the city. Only after this the bulk of my work will now start but prior to getting myself very busy with that, together with the other COH facilitators, I was able to lead another "Channels of Hope" workshop to our field office staff in Cagayan De Oro City the week after that Cebu trip.

Again, guided by the Holy Spirit, participants were moved and blessed with my friend's and my testimony when we talked about the phases being gone through by people living with HIV. This makes the whole workshop different from the others for it really strike the hearts of the people aside from its holistic approach on this pandemic.

Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for incessantly using me in your Kingdom notwithstanding of my struggles and flaws in this Christian life I am trying to live out.

My Struggle

For the past several weeks my struggle on sexual desire to guys I am attracted to kills me. Because of this, I did some foolish stuff that could really pull me back to my old gay habits.

Whenever I am passing through the malls, some times I can't help but to cruise and then flirt! I even came to the point of getting their numbers! I know this is wrong and I should not have done that on the first place. Sometimes I just talk to them just to get to know them a little bit so that my attraction will go away. Also one time I was riding in a bus and then this guy sat beside me then he let me touch his crotch! OMG! I know I should have controlled myself but I was too weak that time. I already asked God's forgiveness on these sinful acts and desires.

Lord knows that I have no intention of having sex with some of these guys but I do with the others whom I really attracted to. I am not giving in because if you can remember, I made a promise to God that I will never get myself into any sexual activity especially sexual intercourse! I promised already to Him that I will practice celibacy as long as I can through His grace. I must admit though that it's extremely difficult.

I don't really understand why I am still like this. I know it is blatantly wrong but I am still allowing myself instead of controlling it. My mind is screaming out loud that I don't want to have sex but my heart and flesh desires for it every time a handsome guy or some guy with a nice physique captures my attention.

I am still celibate up to now but I do not know until when for my self control is dwindling gradually. Please pray with me as I struggle to break free from this stupid flirting and cruising addiction. Thanks my dear brothers and sisters in Christ!