“Sayang” (What A Waste!)

If there is one reaction that irritates me the most each time someone finds out about my broken masculinity, it is that word “sayang” or the phrases, “Sayang ka, ang gwapo mo pa namang lalaki, (What a waste, you’re such a handsome dude).” That is a very typical response that I often heard when a good-looking guy confessed that he is attracted to the same sex. Not only that it seems very insulting to me. Also, it makes me feel that my entire being is a trash, useless, and good for nothing. Actually, I found it rude. Honestly, there were times I have reacted silently this way, “How could you say that? For all we know, your life could even be more pathetic than mine and my existence could be a whole lot more valuable than yours!” As if I would fall for them if I have become totally straight! Sadly, there were a couple of times I have really said that. Forgive me but I lost my control. Truly, that is how irritating and insulting these reactions are to me.

People who are reacting usually this way towards a gorgeous man or woman who unfortunately likes another man or woman are totally clueless regarding its implication to the person. Evidently, it affects negatively our self-esteem. However, I would like to consider some of the possibilities on why they are saying “sayang or sayang ka?”

One probability is that he or she, usually a she, is feeling bad for herself because her options to have a beautiful boyfriend have diminished. Well, this happens more often when the person who shockingly got the bad news is single and chasing after the last jaunt towards marriage. For parents, they could be lamenting for their own single daughters. If this were you, okay I would take no offence. But don’t you think it is a little selfish?

Normalcy in life could be another possibility. It sounds like this, “Sayang naman, hindi magiging normal ang buhay mo. (What a waste! Your life will never be normal.)” Or allow me to be extreme on this especially for those who are self-righteous, “You will burn in hell when you die.” Oh yes, I heard these feedback at least once in my entire life. Only men and women who are attracted to the opposite sex are normal for them. Thus, when you go beyond that, you are not normal. Nowadays, everything seems to be normal anyway so what’s the big fuss? Why would you mean that if this were you? Perhaps we could reevaluate our definition of what is truly normal in this life of being a real man and a woman.

After saying, “What a waste!” automatically this statement comes up. “Your beautiful race would not spread.” Is it panic about the dearth of seeing numerous physically attractive people in the future? Or is it fear for the person that his / her winsome genes would not be passed on to the next generation and just stop? My guess is it could be both. Who says we did not want to have children of our own? And it does not mean it is impossible especially with the modern ways we have today. Extending our beautiful race through having offspring is a choice. Personally, I must say that it is more of a calling. Therefore, you may want to stop meaning that if you could. Would you?

Another insinuation of that disappointing reaction could be misery. There is a truth in this actually. Being “not normal” by having an attraction with the same-sex is not a joke. But unfortunately, for centuries, people with same-sex attraction (SSA) have been the butt of jokes. It got even worst when you are “blamed” for something tragic that happened. You have become the “curse.” The truth of the matter is, people who react this way have very little or no idea at all having this feeling. Next time, you may want to switch place with the person and experience how it feels to be “not normal” before responding in this manner. Having a bit of empathy would be very helpful and encouraging.

A friend of mine who happens to be single, smart, and have a pleasing personality, experienced the same response shared this with me. For her, “sayang” suggests you are incomplete as a person. Then I realized, yes it also could mean like that for a single but normal man and woman. Yet, it does not make any sense. No one is whole or completely whole if there’s such a thing. Everyone is broken in various ways whatever you are in this life. However, you could attain that certain degree of wholeness when you have found your purpose in life. By the love and grace of God, I have found mine. And so far I feel complete. But have you found yours?

Look, perhaps you have other reasons that I have not mentioned here. But whatever it is, I hope you do realize this by now. Using the expression “sayang” to a gorgeous guy or gal who likes and sometimes prefers the same, or to someone who remains single is not healthy. Otherwise, you would create more sadness to the already wretched emotion. You may bring despair instead of hope. And you could be breaking the previously broken self of the person.

Every life of a person is valuable whoever or whatever he or she maybe. Not having the “normal” things in this world that most people have does not mean that his or her life is “sayang.” Once you have found and live the very purpose of your God-given life for and through Jesus, it will never ever be a wasted life. As a matter of fact, not only you would feel complete but also you would have that sense of inner peace, joy in the midst of life struggles, and contentment. How could I say all these? Like I said earlier, I have found mine and praise the Lord for I have lived and am still living it.

So next time, please exert a little bit of an effort to control yourself. Promise, it would not kill you. Refrain from using “sayang” as a reaction to a handsome and beautiful SSA-ed man and woman. And also to “normal” and attractive single people. Who knows, his or her life could be a lot better than yours. What do you think?

The Job

Hello brothers and sisters in Christ!

Do you remember when I posted here about the discrimination incident happened to me when I applied for a certain position related to HIV & AIDS on this Christian non-government organization? Well, they offered me a job and I started last Monday. I am holding a position which has something to do with adolescent reproductive health.

My friends told me that I was vindicated and the justice has been finally served. There's a truth in it partially but I do not want to look it that way. I just want to be thankful to God for this blessing that at least now I have a work for the next 6 months. I believe that somehow this is just a start of God's promise to me last January, when I was prophesied to speak the truth in love to young generation for I understand what they are going through.

My first week was quite alright and still in the adjustment mode of working again for 5 days a week and entails traveling. I pray that the Lord pour out on me his wisdom, knowledge and physical strength to carry out the tasks of this position. Thank you Jesus and God bless you all.

Stigma & Discrimination 4

Self stigma is something very familiar within the HIV and AIDS field. Often someone who test HIV positive believes that he or she is not valuable anymore. They fail to accept themselves, or over-blame themselves. They believe that they are incompetent, useless and even dangerous to other people. They believe that they will be dying soon, that they are too bad, too dirty, and too sinful to be accepted and/or to be forgiven.

This kind of stigma is very dangerous as it is often "invisible" - family members and friends might not even be aware of the feelings of this person. And as along as societal stigma related to HIV and AIDS exists, self-stigma will be a reality for many people. If we can eradicate societal stigma, we might be able to minimize self stigma!

This form of stigma was what I have experienced and it's really difficult to overcome with. But thank God we have Jesus Christ to save us and give another chance, another new life!

Self stigma is the reason why a lot of people tested HIV positive hides in the closet. If they continue to do this, they will never know what they are missing.

Next post I will discuss the impact of HIV related stigma.

Source: "Channels of Hope" workshop manual.

Stigma & Discrimination 3

Like I have said there are two types or forms of stigma. The first one is the stigma which happens in the society called societal stigma.

We observe people being isolated, insulted, judged and blamed. People talk and conduct themselves in ways that make other people feel devalued, ashamed, worthless, and guilty or discriminated against. This often happens to people who are HIV positive or are battling with HIV related illness.

In some instances not only one person is stigmatized but a whole family can suffer because they are associated with the person who is stigmatized. We call this "stigma by association". Another example of this form of stigma is when a person is discriminated against because of their association with a specific group of people, e.g. the family the person belongs to, or clan, or even the church he belongs to. In the same way, a whole family can experience stigma when one member tests HIV positive. Children often experience stigma when their parents fall ill or die because of HIV.

People can also be stigmatized because of their appearance, what they look like or even their occupation. How often has it happened the people who were falling ill or were losing weight were stigmatized because people thought they might be HIV positive!

And then there is something called "self stigma" which I will talk about on my next post.

Source: "Channels of Hope" workshop manual.

Discriminated or Not?

Before I continue with the topic let me share with you the verdict of my job application to this Christian NGO.

Last Wednesday, this person who interviewed me summoned my presence to their office just to explain their reason why they came up with the decision not to accept me to fill in the position of HIV & AIDS Coordinator.

She said that it was not discrimination on their part and their decision has nothing to do with my HIV status. It's just that they are afraid that while I am doing the duties and responsibilities of the job, something bad and health related might happen to me due to the long working hours and the workload. They have this culture that the employees tend to work and work and work for long hours and probably they thought that this might affect my health condition.

Ok. I am functioning normally and I am feeling very healthy. In fact I don't feel anything bad or abnormalities physically. In short, I am perfectly alright. Perhaps they don't want to take responsibility if something happened to me, but what about the meaningful involvement of PLWH to the advocacy programs? Besides, the working lifestyle depends on the person and I believe I am capable of having a healthy working lifestyle. In addition to that, they can choose not to give me too much load on work if that is their dilemma. I have seen the job description and I guess I can perform them within the normal working hours and a little beyond that if it calls for it.

Well, I have decided not to hold any grudges or bad feelings or thoughts towards them and their decision. I strongly believe that the Lord has something bigger and better for me where He can use me more and where I can serve Him better and reach out to many people. I still thank God for this and all the blessings. Jeremiah 29:11 says, for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Am I discriminated or not? Be the judge.

Stigma & Discrimination 2

What does stigma mean? It is an imputation attaching to character, moral spot or stand or brand. Stigmatize is to cast an imputation. In simple term, it is a label usually negative given to a person.

The word "stigma" is often associated with discrimination, negative feelings and attitudes. Stigma is something negative in your mind but when acted on that something either verbally or physically then that is discrimination.

For instance, when you learned that a person is HIV positive more often than not if you're not educated with the right information on HIV & AIDS and it's mode of transmission probably you would think that this person is promiscuous or a prostitute; that is stigma. When you said something bad towards the person fueled by that thought or you simply avoid him or isolated him then that is discrimination.

There are two types of stigma, the self stigma and societal stigma or stigma by association. I will discuss it on my next post.

Source: "Channels of Hope" workshop manual.

Stigma & Discrimination 1

What really kills people living with HIV and AIDS all over the world is not the opportunistic infections that attack the body when the immune system is already depleted, it's the stigma and discrimination feels and experience by HIV positive people. But before I talked about what is stigma and discrimination in the context of HIV & AIDS, let me tell you my own experience of stigma and discrimination.

I applied for a position related to HIV & AIDS in this Christian non-government organization. The result was negative, though it was not final yet according to my friends there, due to my HIV status! At first I was really hurt because for the very first time, I was discriminated against because of my health condition. I cried for a couple of minutes but I asked the Lord why, then I began to understand that perhaps these people are just concerned about my health coz they are afraid I might not able to do all the responsibilities of the position. Apparently, it is still plain and simple discrimination and it's against the RA8504.

I was amazed by the support and trust given to me by my friends there and sooner than I thought, I felt better and trust the Lord that He has something far better for me. So after a few minutes of that negative feeling, I was truly alright and it did not bother me at all.

The Lord only showed me that not all Christians exude true Christianity or Christ-likeness to themselves. It's like a warning to me that I must be really careful to whom I will reveal and entrust my status at the same time. Honestly, I have nothing against with that organization or to any people from that group. In fact, I will be still willing to help them in their HIV & AIDS project and I will treat them the same way I treated them before that incident happened.

Anyway, it is not a closed book yet I guess and only God knows what will happen next. It really feels good to trust God with all my heart. It feels great to know that the Lord will take care of every aspect of my life especially on the areas like this.

Stigma and discrimination will not kill me and should not kill other people living with HIV. The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in Him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. That is Psalm 28:7. So if you are living with HIV like me and feel stigma and discrimination, I would encourage you and suggest surrendering yourself to Lord Jesus Christ and everything will be alright coz He will take charge.

Next post, what is really stigma and discrimination?