That feeling of being on your last year of a certain decade of your life (30’s this time) was felt once again…that mixed emotions of looking forward but with a little bit of fear about getting old.I have these feelings when I was 19 and 29 but I noticed that the fear is slowly increasing or getting stronger and the excitement or looking forward is somewhat steady. Yes I got to admit that especially if you are single like me and “unsuccessful” by this world standard. While my batch mates and longtime friends are living and building their own homes, driving their own cars, buying real estates and raising a family...here I am still renting, commuting, and getting by financially one day to a month at a time. Am I envious or do I long for those things too? Well I’d be fooling myself if I say NO even just for a bit however I guess it is just normal…a bit envy and just enough desire. However believe it or not, whenever I ask myself if I am happy in its real sense and contented, I can confidently say YES I am. I believe that is the beautiful mystery of knowing who you are in the eyes of God and living the life that God has called us to live for. Moreover, I believe this is the true “joy” in life in the midst of life’s struggles and worries wherein God has specifically revealed something to me through an article online and a text message respectively its meaning just recently.
Honestly, I do worry more often than I thought from big decision making to the smallest daily choices…finances, my freelance work (or applying for an 8-5 work for temporary security), food to eat, clothes to wear, and other small or big stuffs, name it. After my hospitalization and experiencing the faithfulness of the Lord in the areas of relationships, health in all aspects and especially on financial concerns, I thought I have changed and would not worry anymore for the way God has demonstrated how He has moved during that recent affliction was pretty amazing and overwhelming! Then I caught myself worrying again about finances and my health (despite of that miraculous healing!) a little over a week ago and this is what He has told me. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6–7)” According to this article by John Piper (the shortest version), anxieties and worries are forms of pride, a form of unbelief and does not like to trust in God’s future grace! “And one way to be humble is to cast all your anxieties on God. Which means that one hindrance to casting your anxieties on God is pride. Which means that undue worry is a form of pride!Faith admits the need for help. Pride won’t. Faith banks on God to give help. Pride won’t. Faith casts anxieties on God. Pride won’t.Therefore the way to battle the unbelief of pride is to admit freely that you have anxieties, and to cherish the promise of future grace in the words, “He cares for you.” Whoa! What a revelation (and a rebuke)! As a result…I posted this verse on a sticky note on my laptop and later on my fridge so I would stop or at least try not to worry but simply TRUST and have FAITH in HIM.
Not hundred percent sure yet if this is really the reasons or meaning of what I have been through but these were the words I received from a couple of friends during my sickness. “Embrace your calling boldly and with humility. Do not fear! Many are called but few are chosen and you have been called and chosen. Trust God will accomplish His purpose for you if you OBEY and take a LEAP of FAITH. You will see how God will work in your life. HE BREATHED NEW LIFE in your body, soul, and spirit. (No eye has seen no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. But God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. 1 Cor. 2:9-10.) The other one was on my birthday that says, “It’s truly a new season for you. God has refined you in the fire, you’ve come out as gold. Get ready for the blessings and greater adventures from our Lord!” Both of these words I believe has something to do with the life struggles I have been through and still going through.
Always, I am praying for a deeper and more intimate walk and relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the recent event and these words could be “it” or simply the beginning of “IT”. In spite of the same struggles in life (my SSA and all related issue, HIV or health concern, and other usual challenges) I felt God has truly “breathed a new life” in me that made me feel like a new person again after that “miraculous healing” experience! All these lead me to seek more and desire more of Him than ever before! So I guess my last words would be, “bring it on!”