Revelations@39

That feeling of being on your last year of a certain decade of your life (30’s this time) was felt once again…that mixed emotions of looking forward but with a little bit of fear about getting old.I have these feelings when I was 19 and 29 but I noticed that the fear is slowly increasing or getting stronger and the excitement or looking forward is somewhat steady. Yes I got to admit that especially if you are single like me and “unsuccessful” by this world standard. While my batch mates and longtime friends are living and building their own homes, driving their own cars, buying real estates and raising a family...here I am still renting, commuting, and getting by financially one day to a month at a time. Am I envious or do I long for those things too? Well I’d be fooling myself if I say NO even just for a bit however I guess it is just normal…a bit envy and just enough desire. However believe it or not, whenever I ask myself if I am happy in its real sense and contented, I can confidently say YES I am. I believe that is the beautiful mystery of knowing who you are in the eyes of God and living the life that God has called us to live for. Moreover, I believe this is the true “joy” in life in the midst of life’s struggles and worries wherein God has specifically revealed something to me through an article online and a text message respectively its meaning just recently.

Honestly, I do worry more often than I thought from big decision making to the smallest daily choices…finances, my freelance work (or applying for an 8-5 work for temporary security), food to eat, clothes to wear, and other small or big stuffs, name it. After my hospitalization and experiencing the faithfulness of the Lord in the areas of relationships, health in all aspects and especially on financial concerns, I thought I have changed and would not worry anymore for the way God has demonstrated how He has moved during that recent affliction was pretty amazing and overwhelming! Then I caught myself worrying again about finances and my health (despite of that miraculous healing!) a little over a week ago and this is what He has told me. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6–7)” According to this article by John Piper (the shortest version), anxieties and worries are forms of pride, a form of unbelief and does not like to trust in God’s future grace! “And one way to be humble is to cast all your anxieties on God. Which means that one hindrance to casting your anxieties on God is pride. Which means that undue worry is a form of pride!Faith admits the need for help. Pride won’t. Faith banks on God to give help. Pride won’t. Faith casts anxieties on God. Pride won’t.Therefore the way to battle the unbelief of pride is to admit freely that you have anxieties, and to cherish the promise of future grace in the words, “He cares for you.” Whoa! What a revelation (and a rebuke)!  As a result…I posted this verse on a sticky note on my laptop and later on my fridge so I would stop or at least try not to worry but simply TRUST and have FAITH in HIM.

Not hundred percent sure yet if this is really the reasons or meaning of what I have been through but these were the words I received from a couple of friends during my sickness. “Embrace your calling boldly and with humility. Do not fear! Many are called but few are chosen and you have been called and chosen. Trust God will accomplish His purpose for you if you OBEY and take a LEAP of FAITH. You will see how God will work in your life. HE BREATHED NEW LIFE in your body, soul, and spirit. (No eye has seen no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. But God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. 1 Cor. 2:9-10.) The other one was on my birthday that says, “It’s truly a new season for you. God has refined you in the fire, you’ve come out as gold. Get ready for the blessings and greater adventures from our Lord!” Both of these words I believe has something to do with the life struggles I have been through and still going through.

Always, I am praying for a deeper and more intimate walk and relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the recent event and these words could be “it” or simply the beginning of “IT”. In spite of the same struggles in life (my SSA and all related issue, HIV or health concern, and other usual challenges) I felt God has truly “breathed a new life” in me that made me feel like a new person again after that “miraculous healing” experience! All these lead me to seek more and desire more of Him than ever before! So I guess my last words would be, “bring it on!”

25 Days of Life “Interruption” and a Miracle

Nobody would like to start their year off with something that halt a daily life routine especially if you got loads of plans and lists of things to do in your calendar. Unfortunately when sickness hits you and it requires you to be confined in a hospital bed for 25 long days, there’s nothing you can do about it but allowed your life to be “interrupted.” This interruption can be both good and bad depending on how you look at it. Of course, the suffering and pain while being treated is a thing that we are all or at least I was trying to avoid not mentioning the trouble I have caused to my family especially to my parents. But the good part of it is something the most people have failed to recognize and experience so allow me to share a number of selected “good stuff” I have perhaps personally desired and experienced in an unpredicted way.

If it were your first time to be confined that long in a hospital like me, you would be able to experience and everything that comes along with it! I have not been hospitalized in my entire life until the past almost four weeks (January 17 to February 11 to be exact). After my first and second CT Scan, the doctors could not tell whether my appendix has been ruptured or not for it remained visible according to the latest images. But according to friends and family who visited and witnessed the pain that I have been through…it was appendicitis. And if it was…truly it’s a miracle that I was and still alive! Well, the surgeons and physicians who looked after me told me that it was “medical management” what they have employed to avoid open surgery, which could result to longer recovery and other complications. Regardless, I am simply grateful that I am home.

In connection with that “miracle”, I have to say that it is a miracle for I remembered that I have been praying to experience a miraculous healing long before this interruption. Moreover, when I started to feel the pain intermittently on the appendix part several months ago, I told God over and over that I am scared and do not want to undergo any surgery. But it was more of the former so when a close friend and colleague of mine offered their family friend who has a gift of healing through prayer, immediately I said yes! It was the second day of February when this Bishop, together with other three Pastors or “prayer warriors,” came to pray for me and it was an experience I would never forget. Because of this unforgettable “miraculous healing” that have occurred to me I have learned a few things about my faith, about God and His miracle.

In one of my devotions few days before I was discharged, God has confirmed what transpired during my miracle healing. For a miracle to take place it requires my participation, which explains the unbelief in my heart that it could happen to me. Yes I want to experience a miracle healing but I have to…no I must pray to God to help me overcome my unbelief! Second it needs a quick response so after cleansing through praying for forgiveness and then praying again to overcome my unbelief, I was ready to be prayed for. Lastly, it needs a relationship and experience with Jesus that is very personal in which I already have for more than eight years. Voila! I got my miracle! No surgery needed. Although I still feel some slight pain as of this writing, the impression I have in my heart is to continue declaring each day that I am healed.

Another reflection I have was the probable cause of this very unexpected affliction. I have been praying for a much deeper and more intimate relationship with Jesus and more or less…this has become His way. John Piper said affliction helps takes the glibness of life away and makes us more serious so that our mindset is more in tune with the seriousness of God’s word. It forces us to rely more on God, which brings us more in tune with the aim of the word. It makes us search the Scriptures with greater desperation for help, rather than treating it as marginal to life. Affliction brings us into the fellowship of Christ’s sufferings so that we fellowship more closely with him and see the world more readily through his eyes. Affliction mortifies deceitful and distracting fleshly desires, and so brings us into a more spiritual frame in which fits God’s word more. All these I have felt and realized as I was talking to God each day in the hospital especially the last one for I believe this was also a spiritual attack. Oh yes my SSA struggles were and will always be a part of the bigger picture as I continue to strive living “holy” for Jesus. This “interruption” has moved me to remove and throw off things that hinders and sin that easily entangles and exert extra effort to truly fix my eyes on Him (Hebrews 12:1 -2).

These reflections are on the top of the “good” things that came out of this affliction. Aside from these reflections and learning, I have seen how God has moved in responding to my needs. The Lord has brought and mobilized each family or community He has put me in from the beginning. My church, the NGO where I have started, the Bible school where I graduated, my Amara family, and dear friends from the positive community, all of them were represented that almost everyday I have visitors to cheer me up. Moreover, through these families I have, the Lord has provided financial support that covered beyond the total hospital expenses! It felt great to be loved this way! Overwhelming!

What an unforeseen way to begin my 2016. Please continue to pray with me for complete recovery and regaining not only my strength but also the over 20 pounds I have lost! Likewise, continue to declare with me that “I am healed” for I believe in my heart that I am and truly no surgery is needed ever! Praise the Lord for another wonderful experience with Him! Thank you Jesus…thank you my dear followers and readers. Blessings!

The Consequence

We always thought that because God is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6), we can get away with the consequences of the wrong things we have done in the past not to mention that we have confessed it already and ask forgiveness for it.

If you are thinking that way then I have to say I am sorry but you are wrong. We need to remember that our Almighty God is also JUST (Psalm 9:16, 11:7). The consequence of that wrongdoing may come sooner than we think or may come later, like after a few weeks or several years. We'll never know for only God knows.

Well, I am able to say or write this because it's very true. If you can recall and go back to my previous posts last year where I confessed my sexual fall, now I believe I am reaping its consequence. Prior to this post I mentioned that my skin rashes were not PR or Pityriasis Rosea. The cause of these rashes is secondary syphilis which the doctor confirmed more than a month ago.

At first, I was so upset and thought that God was so unfair to discipline me like this but I realized a little later that God is God. He can do whatever He wants and I have sinned against Him. I thought He's unfair because for quite some time I've never had sex and when I fell into it, it happened only 2 or 3 times that year alone which is quite a progress for someone who used to live with that as a lifestyle and still in the process of moving away from it!

One of my closest friends accused me of not walking the talk and I really felt bad because there's a truth in it. She's referring to my advocacy of correct and consistent use of condom when you can't control yourself. She understands my SSA struggle and she's quite disappointed because of this. But I am grateful to her for having the guts to confront me and tell it to my face which reminds me that I am slipping away and must have to pull myself back together right away!

If you're disappointed too I am very sorry, I hope you can understand and be able to forgive me as well. That moment when I failed to use protection, it scared the hell out of me too and utter to myself that I will never do it again. Actually I asked the only two guys I have sex with and they both told me they are negative to syphilis that's why I am still wondering from whom I got it? In addition, I used protection for both of them though with the last one, it's not all throughout. Both of them are HIV+ also which makes it even more dangerous! What on earth was I thinking to do that? Alright, enough with the details because this is what I've got. Now I am almost healed from this infection after a month of medication thank God.

According to Hebrews 12, God disciplines His Sons and ask us not to lose heart when He rebukes us because the Lord disciplines those He loves and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son like a father (v5b-6).

It took me a lot of courage to confess it to my Pastor and mentor in the church for it's truly embarrassing but I have to, and also here. And I am glad that he's thankful for my honesty and promised to be there for me whenever I need him, is not that great? God has really blessed me with people who can journey with me unconditionally in this life no matter how many times I fail. The Lord is always there all the time for us for He'll never let go even if we chose to let go of Him. That's how He amazingly loves us!

This recent event made me realize that truly I do not deserve to serve God in His ministry. But I asked for it 3 years ago and He has chosen me, a chief sinner and a very unqualified broken person saved by His grace. There's no turning back now so I have to bounce back and continue what He asked me to do but this time only with more submission to His power that will carry me through.

I thank the Lord for giving me the courage to live this life and to move forward. I chose to stay with Jesus for it's the only way to live.

Jehovah Shammah!

Dengue

Dengue is one of the possible illness experiences by someone who is positive with HIV if he has a fever that keeps coming back for a certain period of time like in my case.

I started to have a fever last Saturday night and the highest temperature I have registered on the thermometer was 38.9 and last night I had 38.4 probably because I was exposed to a very cold temperature in the bus on my way home after my check-up. My last CBC lab test result is ok especially my platelet which is very normal now, that's why my doctor and I is wondering what could be the reason why I have a fever. Anyway, as of the moment I don't have a fever and I am feeling alright. In fact, I was able to do my regular work-out this morning and other household chores. Probably God have answered my pleading prayers last night to heal me and spare from this disease for I have lots of preparations to do with the Channels of Hope training for Bagong Pag-asa.

I am just kind of a bit afraid coz there are patients in the hospital where I have my regular check up who have dengue and experienced the same kind of fever I've got. The difference only is that, mine is not very high and my CBC result is far better than theirs though it's a bit off from normal. Well, I just hope and pray that God will spare me from this and He continues to heal me physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. Of course, even I am sick I still have to continue my walk as a Christian and this is one of those tough times that I need to go through and it's fine with me. The Lord is always with me and will never abandon me.

Living with HIV is difficult in such a way that whenever you got sick even a simple cold and fever, you need to be alarmed and find out the reason why especially if it's repetitive. Unlike when you are normal, you can easily never mind a simple flu or fever. The worst part is aside from the ARV or antiretroviral drugs I am taking, there are lots of other medicines I need to take like antibacterial or antibiotics to prevent the disease from taking place that sometimes I feel nauseated due to these oral drugs.

In my next posts, I am going to share my knowledge on HIV and AIDS for you to be able to get basic information and prevent from getting infected with this wicked virus.

Fly Like A Bird

Since Saturday I've been sick and feeling kind of sad. I had fever last weekend but now it's gone. My doctor asked me to do the CBC lab test yesterday and the result was a bit off from normal. She asked me to do it again today and the result has a very little improvement, some of the parameters were ok while the others were not. Though the important parameters were within normal limits such as hemoglobin, I look pale and feel weak probably because of some irregularities in the result. I need to get plenty of rest.

Normally after Sunday church service, I am spiritually uplifted and strong but last Sunday was different. The answer to my prayer for a job has not come yet and I am running out of money. Yesterday my sister has confirmed that she's pregnant without the father planning to marry her for a stupid reason that he's not the first guy who had sex with her! I told my sister that, that stupid moron does not love her coz if he does her past should not be an issue. That is a fact that my poor sister can't seem to understand. I don't want to think that she's stupid or crazy but she knew from the start all of this and yet she got herself pregnant by that stupid guy! I have prayed this to God even before but perhaps God has other plan and now, we don't know how are we going to deal this stupidity in time. Currently, I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually weak and drained. Last night, I cried for all of these to God and begged Him to talk to me while I was talking to my good friend doctor on the phone. She even prayed for me and reminded me that I need to take care myself and not think too much stressing myself.

"Lord I know you are well aware of everything about me and all of these sufferings and it's ok; coz I have you and you're with me. Please give me enough strength and wisdom on how to face all of these. May you oh Lord show me the right direction to take and please forgive me if I was disheartened by your silence even though you already informed me two Sundays ago that I am in my own "three days" and I have to wait. This is a test of my faith to you oh God and I am very sorry if I am becoming impatient. Please heal me from my sickness for you are a God of healing. I am lifting up to you my Lord all of my needs and all of me, in Jesus name I prayed. Amen."

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Trust Him. Somehow I know that there's a place up above with no more hurt and struggling, free of all atrocities and suffering. Because I feel the unconditional love from one who cares enough for me. To erase all my burdens and let me be free to fly like a bird, take to the sky. I need you now Lord, carry me high. Don't let the world break me tonight I need the strength of you by my side. Sometimes this life can be so cold, I pray you'll come and carry me home. He said, "He will never forsake you or leave you alone." Trust Him. I need you right here right now, Lord. I need you right here by my side. Keep your head up to the sky, with God's love you'll survive. Carry me higher Jesus.