D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Consequence

We always thought that because God is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love and faithfulness (Exodus 34:6), we can get away with the consequences of the wrong things we have done in the past not to mention that we have confessed it already and ask forgiveness for it.

If you are thinking that way then I have to say I am sorry but you are wrong. We need to remember that our Almighty God is also JUST (Psalm 9:16, 11:7). The consequence of that wrongdoing may come sooner than we think or may come later, like after a few weeks or several years. We'll never know for only God knows.

Well, I am able to say or write this because it's very true. If you can recall and go back to my previous posts last year where I confessed my sexual fall, now I believe I am reaping its consequence. Prior to this post I mentioned that my skin rashes were not PR or Pityriasis Rosea. The cause of these rashes is secondary syphilis which the doctor confirmed more than a month ago.

At first, I was so upset and thought that God was so unfair to discipline me like this but I realized a little later that God is God. He can do whatever He wants and I have sinned against Him. I thought He's unfair because for quite some time I've never had sex and when I fell into it, it happened only 2 or 3 times that year alone which is quite a progress for someone who used to live with that as a lifestyle and still in the process of moving away from it!

One of my closest friends accused me of not walking the talk and I really felt bad because there's a truth in it. She's referring to my advocacy of correct and consistent use of condom when you can't control yourself. She understands my SSA struggle and she's quite disappointed because of this. But I am grateful to her for having the guts to confront me and tell it to my face which reminds me that I am slipping away and must have to pull myself back together right away!

If you're disappointed too I am very sorry, I hope you can understand and be able to forgive me as well. That moment when I failed to use protection, it scared the hell out of me too and utter to myself that I will never do it again. Actually I asked the only two guys I have sex with and they both told me they are negative to syphilis that's why I am still wondering from whom I got it? In addition, I used protection for both of them though with the last one, it's not all throughout. Both of them are HIV+ also which makes it even more dangerous! What on earth was I thinking to do that? Alright, enough with the details because this is what I've got. Now I am almost healed from this infection after a month of medication thank God.

According to Hebrews 12, God disciplines His Sons and ask us not to lose heart when He rebukes us because the Lord disciplines those He loves and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son like a father (v5b-6).

It took me a lot of courage to confess it to my Pastor and mentor in the church for it's truly embarrassing but I have to, and also here. And I am glad that he's thankful for my honesty and promised to be there for me whenever I need him, is not that great? God has really blessed me with people who can journey with me unconditionally in this life no matter how many times I fail. The Lord is always there all the time for us for He'll never let go even if we chose to let go of Him. That's how He amazingly loves us!

This recent event made me realize that truly I do not deserve to serve God in His ministry. But I asked for it 3 years ago and He has chosen me, a chief sinner and a very unqualified broken person saved by His grace. There's no turning back now so I have to bounce back and continue what He asked me to do but this time only with more submission to His power that will carry me through.

I thank the Lord for giving me the courage to live this life and to move forward. I chose to stay with Jesus for it's the only way to live.

Jehovah Shammah!

3 comments:

stanw said...

My dear brother,

None of us can stand and say we are better than you, I know I sure can't. When I look back I shudder to think what I subjected myself to and the possible consequences that could have been. The majority of the time it was without protection and reading your words makes me realize what could have been. I hang my head in shame at my foolishness, seemed like all common sense went out the window when sexual urges took over. Choosing to stay with Jesus is our salvation, you said it so rightly.

I am not disappointed in you, how could I. We are brothers on a common journey out of a life that had us trapped. Day by day we have to stand together in prayer, I feel that so strongly. I love you in Jesus, and I pray each day you will feel His strength and power to be strong.

"Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. So not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

E L R o i said...

Dear Brother Stan,

I am really glad that you do understand for you have explained it very well. At first I was afraid of posting this for people might misunderstood and judge me but I don't care. It is between me and God at the end of the day and will always be.

Thanks for journeying with me and you have no idea how grateful I am for all your prayers. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for that verse too....it's been the words of God I keep receiving for a couple of years now. And thank you for the affirmation brother.....may the Lord continue to uphold us.

God bless you bro and again thanks a lot. :)

Anonymous said...

to completely abstain from sex is impossible, whether str8 or gay, yes, you should always use condom, whether the partner is poz or not, whether you are doing oral or anal, those are the rules of universal precautions, now going to the medical issues, are you seeing an infectious disease doc??? it is SOP to check RPR as well as other STD ALWAYS, so i dont understand why it took so long for the doc to diagnose it, given that you are hiv poz , may need to rule out neurosyphilis ( diagnosed by lumbar puncture)- my advise , you need a smart( meaning well trained ) , aggressive and proactive infectious disease doctor