D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Friday, June 12, 2009

My Struggle

For the past several weeks my struggle on sexual desire to guys I am attracted to kills me. Because of this, I did some foolish stuff that could really pull me back to my old gay habits.

Whenever I am passing through the malls, some times I can't help but to cruise and then flirt! I even came to the point of getting their numbers! I know this is wrong and I should not have done that on the first place. Sometimes I just talk to them just to get to know them a little bit so that my attraction will go away. Also one time I was riding in a bus and then this guy sat beside me then he let me touch his crotch! OMG! I know I should have controlled myself but I was too weak that time. I already asked God's forgiveness on these sinful acts and desires.

Lord knows that I have no intention of having sex with some of these guys but I do with the others whom I really attracted to. I am not giving in because if you can remember, I made a promise to God that I will never get myself into any sexual activity especially sexual intercourse! I promised already to Him that I will practice celibacy as long as I can through His grace. I must admit though that it's extremely difficult.

I don't really understand why I am still like this. I know it is blatantly wrong but I am still allowing myself instead of controlling it. My mind is screaming out loud that I don't want to have sex but my heart and flesh desires for it every time a handsome guy or some guy with a nice physique captures my attention.

I am still celibate up to now but I do not know until when for my self control is dwindling gradually. Please pray with me as I struggle to break free from this stupid flirting and cruising addiction. Thanks my dear brothers and sisters in Christ!


4 comments:

stanw said...

My dear friend, I only know too well about what you are talking about and I pray you will be strong. I feel at the same place as well at times, especially on weekends for some reason. We are physical guys who desire even just a touch and doesn't take much to get our minds going and wondering, 'if only.' Take courage in that you are not alone - we have to stand together. We may be a long ways apart but we can reach out and touch through prayer and an encouraging word. You are loved. Remember you are of amazing value and have lots to contribute in this broken world. Take good care.

E L R o i said...

Whoa! Thank you very much for this encouraging words...I feel so empowered...thanks for the prayers and you will be in my prayer too...God bless!

Courage Philippines said...

Hi bro!

How are you na? I read this post of yours about struggling and I can definitely identify with this. Being a follower of Christ will not shield us from these temptations. In fact, it seems they're always after us, but our faith in Jesus is our best defense against these attacks of the enemy. We should continually strive to be faithful to Him no matter what and He will deliver us.

Praying for you,

Courage Philippines

stanw said...

Good morning, it's just after 7 a.m. here and I got up early to prepare for a trip/holiday to Florida, USA leaving tomorrow morning. Things are good with me and appreciate your valuable prayers. I agree with what you said to keep our eyes on Jesus, and that for me needs to be a constant focus; easy to get our eyes on present circumstances which can easily distract. Great articles on CP, thanks for directing me to it - Joseph N says a lot of valuable things.

Take good care and will message after July 2nd when I get back. God bless.

Stan