For the past several weeks my struggle on sexual desire to guys I am attracted to kills me. Because of this, I did some foolish stuff that could really pull me back to my old gay habits.
Whenever I am passing through the malls, some times I can't help but to cruise and then flirt! I even came to the point of getting their numbers! I know this is wrong and I should not have done that on the first place. Sometimes I just talk to them just to get to know them a little bit so that my attraction will go away. Also one time I was riding in a bus and then this guy sat beside me then he let me touch his crotch! OMG! I know I should have controlled myself but I was too weak that time. I already asked God's forgiveness on these sinful acts and desires.
Lord knows that I have no intention of having sex with some of these guys but I do with the others whom I really attracted to. I am not giving in because if you can remember, I made a promise to God that I will never get myself into any sexual activity especially sexual intercourse! I promised already to Him that I will practice celibacy as long as I can through His grace. I must admit though that it's extremely difficult.
I don't really understand why I am still like this. I know it is blatantly wrong but I am still allowing myself instead of controlling it. My mind is screaming out loud that I don't want to have sex but my heart and flesh desires for it every time a handsome guy or some guy with a nice physique captures my attention.
I am still celibate up to now but I do not know until when for my self control is dwindling gradually. Please pray with me as I struggle to break free from this stupid flirting and cruising addiction. Thanks my dear brothers and sisters in Christ!