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Very important...two words that have reminded
about what I said on my last entry here. That is, I would write again when
something very important happens. In the past couple of weeks, something
happened and it’s both good and bad.
What’s keeping me really busy these days for
so long is juggling between ministry work and doing all the post-grad required
readings and paper. Prior to the beginning of the last semester, I was on the
verge of giving up this study and stop completely. I have been so stressed out
and felt like its taking the toll on me. However, I was able to come to pass
this struggle, thank God. As I continue reading the last few books, I believe
God has revealed something to me. Not just one but two books and both are about
issues that most people do not want to talk about. First is the Healing the
Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser, which has greatly and deeply
impacted me. I guess from the title itself you already what is it all about.
Second is The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender. This material is about
understanding what sexual abuse is and how a sexually abused person can find
healing from the trauma. To understand and learn these complicated issues was
all I have expected. Little did I know that there’s something more in store for
me.
It took me a long process to finally
acknowledge, accept and embrace the same-sex attraction (SSA) that I have only
to take it as my cross in obedience to following the Lord Jesus Christ. Of
course, there’s a lot of sexual issues related to this such as thoughts, sexual
desires, temptations that are unsatisfyingly satisfied through occasional
pornography, masturbation and very quite rare sexual intercourse. These are the
sins and temptations that I and other people who have decided to chose this
less traveled path, have to battle with virtually every day. And for almost 11
years of this journey with Christ, I thought everything is in control, I am
doing fine, and on my way to the healing of this sexual brokenness.
Unfortunately, I was wrong. God is not contented with where I am in my journey.
Occasional slips or relapses of my sexual issues need to be dealt with for God
is holy, therefore, we should work hard to be holy. That is very clear in His
words when you are set apart for the Lord Jesus.
As I went through the pages reading Laaser’s
material, it was like mirroring me as he describes the comprehensive definition
and symptoms of sexual addiction (SA). It felt like I was reading about myself.
Honestly, this is difficult for me to accept and embrace. Perhaps I was or
still in denial for I refused to call my behaviors an SA. I was told already
with this by a researcher who took me as one of her subjects but I ignored it.
I told myself her assessment was wrong. I kept convincing myself that I was not
and I am not. But with all this information and learning I got, I really wanted
to cry. I did not know how to process this and do not know what to do. Good
thing, I was able to grieve over this at my session today earlier this evening.
The Lord is not done yet with His revelations.
As I read Allender’s, I realized through his pretty comprehensive description
of sexual abuse about something. That almost all of us have been sexually
abused in one way or another. We are not just aware of it. Some of the types of
sexual abuse that the author has described happened to me when I was young. I
just hope that every memory I remembered are all there is to recall and no more
repressed or buried experiences in the unconscious. Similarly, this was also
hard to accept but for some reason, it is easier to acknowledge, embrace and
deal with. I have been carrying this in my heart heavily.
These revelations from God through these
brilliant books cannot be ignored. Besides, it has been a while since the last
time God has spoken to confront me. It’s very clear. God is calling me to be
not contented and address this issue. Moreover, I realized I have been praying
each day that God will heal me. Now, He is obviously responding and I need to
take my part. Simply I cannot sit, pray and just wait for Him to do something
miraculously. As bright as the sun shines during the day, I need to do my part.
Consequently, it was bad because of this not
really new discoveries. It has been lingering around for some time already and
I just chose to ignore it. The feelings I have towards these revelations are
not good. I feel extremely sad, deeply broken again, and having some
self-doubt. On the other hand, it was good because of the acquired deep
understanding about these issues. Also, I was able to discover something about
myself in which will be another focus of understanding the way I am. It is not
only SSA but also SAs. Thus, good and bad. Well, the journey must go on even
though this less road traveled is becoming narrower than before. Like what the
Bible said that we aim for perfection for God is perfect (Matt. 5: 48). He is holy thus, we
need to be holy (1 Pet. 1: 16). All these are possible by the grace of God. We simply have to keep on trusting. Have enough faith...each day.
