Honestly, I am not so happy to blog about the things happened to me in the past few weeks. But of course, this is my journal and I believe I must write them down. Certainly there were lessons learned needs to be imparted.
After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.
Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!
It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!
A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!
In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.
Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.
Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.
Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.
This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.