Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Adversity of Waiting
It's been 3 months now since this job I've applied and prayed for was offered to me back in Bangkok.
The person in charge flew to Thailand then from the country where he is based to personally talk to me about it and I was very excited because I felt like God created this job and have chosen me to specifically do this work for his kingdom.
A week after I came home I was phone interviewed by him just to formally go through with the process and was informed to be notified in a month regarding the status of my application. It is the normal time frame for international job application according to him.
One month had lapsed and I never heard anything from them. God can give anything to us but He can also take them away anytime He wants. I have been thinking whether God was just teaching me to be patient or He decided to take this job away from me because of the sexual fall I had back in Bangkok or of the sinful desires in my heart which kill me everyday. These are the things that were going through in my head. Good thing I was busy doing the Hope ministry, doing interviews and meetings and attending trainings then.
Another month had passed and this time I was and still busy doing nothing, idle and getting a little impatient. And then I received an email from my contact person that I still need to wait a call now from the HR at the local office here in the country. Two weeks of waiting went by and the same things I mentioned above keep going through my mind. Actually it got worst that somehow I became a bit sloppy with my walk and fell into sexual sin again. Honestly, I really felt bad even after my confession to God and asked for His forgiveness. My accountability partners and pastor won't be happy about this.
Now I've got no choice but to stay with Jesus although I failed him once again, pray and still wait. I do not know but I feel like God is playing with me. I truly feel awful about myself because of what happened, a little edgy and frustrated. I feel like God is taking this job away from me. Will God simply do that because of my stupid mistake? Is our Father like that? Do you think He'll do that as a consequence?
Frankly speaking, I deem of letting go and take control of things but I am well aware that this is wrong. This is not God-dependence. I have to convince myself that this is another test of faith and continue clinging on to Jesus albeit I don't feel like it no matter what.
In my two years and five months Christian journey, I have been fed and learned a lot from my pastors, counselors, friends, Christian books, trainings, seminars, ministry and especially from God's word. The only thing left are the proper application of these knowledge.
Truly from with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief, Ecclesiastes 1:18.