D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Adversity of Waiting


It's been 3 months now since this job I've applied and prayed for was offered to me back in Bangkok.

The person in charge flew to Thailand then from the country where he is based to personally talk to me about it and I was very excited because I felt like God created this job and have chosen me to specifically do this work for his kingdom.

A week after I came home I was phone interviewed by him just to formally go through with the process and was informed to be notified in a month regarding the status of my application. It is the normal time frame for international job application according to him.

One month had lapsed and I never heard anything from them. God can give anything to us but He can also take them away anytime He wants. I have been thinking whether God was just teaching me to be patient or He decided to take this job away from me because of the sexual fall I had back in Bangkok or of the sinful desires in my heart which kill me everyday. These are the things that were going through in my head. Good thing I was busy doing the Hope ministry, doing interviews and meetings and attending trainings then.

Another month had passed and this time I was and still busy doing nothing, idle and getting a little impatient. And then I received an email from my contact person that I still need to wait a call now from the HR at the local office here in the country. Two weeks of waiting went by and the same things I mentioned above keep going through my mind. Actually it got worst that somehow I became a bit sloppy with my walk and fell into sexual sin again. Honestly, I really felt bad even after my confession to God and asked for His forgiveness. My accountability partners and pastor won't be happy about this.

Now I've got no choice but to stay with Jesus although I failed him once again, pray and still wait. I do not know but I feel like God is playing with me. I truly feel awful about myself because of what happened, a little edgy and frustrated. I feel like God is taking this job away from me. Will God simply do that because of my stupid mistake? Is our Father like that? Do you think He'll do that as a consequence?

Frankly speaking, I deem of letting go and take control of things but I am well aware that this is wrong. This is not God-dependence. I have to convince myself that this is another test of faith and continue clinging on to Jesus albeit I don't feel like it no matter what.

In my two years and five months Christian journey, I have been fed and learned a lot from my pastors, counselors, friends, Christian books, trainings, seminars, ministry and especially from God's word. The only thing left are the proper application of these knowledge.

Truly from with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief, Ecclesiastes 1:18.

4 comments:

stanw said...

ELRoi,

Patience is something that is hard to master especially when you want something so bad, as the job. God is not out to punish you every time you sin or fall short. You don't have to walk on pins and needles with God, as you might have had to do with others who have been in your life. He is working in your life to help you to trust Him and submit it all into His hands. Praying you will have peace in your heart. Just be honest with the acc. partners and pastor, they too should react in love and support and continue to be available. Praying things will work out for the good in your life. You are precious in God's sight. Love you brother.

E L R o i said...

Hello Stanw, thank you very much for these words I really appreciate it for the simple reason that it helped me a lot. You are right, God is not like that so thanks for reminding me brother. And yes I am at peace and will be honest with my pastor and accountability partners. Thanks a lot my dear brother for prayers. I pray that you're doing great! God bless and love you too.

Rajsh said...

Thought I'd share this with you... Very comforting:

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them." -Heb 7:25

Will be on praying for you and with you, kapatid! Ü

E L R o i said...

Thanks Rajsh I will meditate on this verse. God is good! Thanks sa prayers and also praying for our project. I'll probably fast for it and perhaps you and join can fast too. God bless. :)