This morning during my devotion time as I read God’s words
in 1 Cor.10: 1-13 with the worship song “Lord I Give You My Heart” playing on
the background, unconsciously, I have expressed my very deep longing for God
and He came! As I continue reading His words I simply burst into tears,
virtually shaking and nervously felt strongly His very presence!
I have been struggling with same sex attraction and sex not
to fall for it on a different level for a few weeks now or probably months and
it is making me feel to stop my church life and connecting with Christian
friends especially now the first semester is over and the school break just
started. Then yesterday I found out from a friend that a certain guy, who looks
up to me somehow as a “changed” man, gave me the impression that he got
disappointed when he found out through this blog about the incident a couple of
months ago that happened where my phone was stolen by this psychotic guy. His
words according to my friend was, “he is already with Christ and saw the light
so why he is still doing such things?” Honestly I got worried and felt bad at
the same time. First, obviously he got caught on the false belief that when you
became a child of God, all your sinning will stop and you will be living a
“perfect” life. I used to have this impression towards born-again Christians
that’s why I did not want to associate myself with them only to find out now
that I am a Christian that this is not entirely true. The more you get to know
the people and yourself the more you know how much you need God, and living
totally a sinless life is an illusion! This is especially true for someone
who’s trying to break free from the addiction or bondage of homosexual
activities like me. Falling into sin once in a while should be not a surprise
for we all have our weak moments. We are not okay all the time!
Second, it saddened me the fact that I have disappointed him
and now hoping he will not be stumbled because of me. Lastly, I was hurt; just
feel hurt because of all this. Inadvertently, I was able to share this during
my interview with a classmate friend for her project and it turned out to be
the highlight of my day. As I talked about my sexual struggle with her, the
past sins I have committed, how difficult it is for me to say no sometimes,
explaining to her that when I choose to sin it is because I love myself more
than Jesus that particular moment, how I feel after and what I usually do to
get right with God again, that I’d rather die than to commit sin and dishonor
Him, words of realization just came out that somehow alleviated my feeling of
being down. A Christian will always struggle because he loves Jesus and it will
always be a part of this walk with Him perfectly or imperfectly. God has reasons
we may not understand why He, the God of impossibilities, is not taking away
our struggles, addictions, and all other problems we are dealing with for quite
sometime now when He can actually take them away in a snap of His finger!
Lately, I do not know if I have mentioned this already in my
previous posts, I have started to comprehend and be thankful to God with all my
struggles. For almost five years of my journey with Him, struggles are one of
the things especially my same-sex attraction and sexual struggles, which
keeping me closer and closer to Him. Struggles are reminders who I am before
God while gradually revealing Himself how patient, kind, forgiving, gracious
and loving our God is. Struggles in life are one of His platforms for many of
His goal for us including growth in Him through transformation towards becoming
the person He intended us to be. Most importantly, I, including all these
struggles, am nothing apart from Him. God loves me, the whole of me, including
my struggles, no matter what happens. And this should be more than enough for
me to continue holding on to Him no matter what happens! Again honestly, it is
not easy but I cannot imagine myself living without God for life is all about
Jesus.
Hopefully, that guy and the rest of the confident and “holy”
Christians out there will also realize all these and always look to Jesus and
not to their Pastors, Leaders, mentors or any human inspiration. Humans are
bound to make mistakes and commit sins Christians or non-Christian. We are all
imperfect even God is perfect. We must continue trusting and holding on to Him
even if we are living an imperfect life. And we must continue seeking God’s
presence always.
“We are called to live as imperfect persons in an imperfect
world, to have courage to do the best we are capable of right now and to commit
ourselves to our life tasks without evasion or excuse, serving others
courageously and sacrificially. We walk a delicate balance of striving for the
highest calling of perfect life in Christ but realize that we will never
achieve this perfection and must continually find acceptance from God not
through our worthiness but through God’s forgiveness.” – Jones & Butman
P.S.To my readers, I am planning and praying to take up to
21 units, that are seven subjects, this second semester. The head of the
counseling department and registrar’s office are okay with this including more
than half of my classmates I talked to while the professor of the most
difficult subject from the seven, which is Theology 1, unfortunately told me
not to take his course if I have 18 units already. This is also part of the things
God have spoken to me this morning.
“It is not my strength but His strength, not my wisdom but
His wisdom and all by His grace. It is my desire to finish the program and so
it is also His desire.” I believe these are the words I heard from Him and this
simply means to trust Him. Honestly I still have some doubts to go for 21 units or
not so please kindly pray for me. Thank you guys and blessings.
