This morning during my devotion time as I read God’s words in 1 Cor.10: 1-13 with the worship song “Lord I Give You My Heart” playing on the background, unconsciously, I have expressed my very deep longing for God and He came! As I continue reading His words I simply burst into tears, virtually shaking and nervously felt strongly His very presence!
I have been struggling with same sex attraction and sex not to fall for it on a different level for a few weeks now or probably months and it is making me feel to stop my church life and connecting with Christian friends especially now the first semester is over and the school break just started. Then yesterday I found out from a friend that a certain guy, who looks up to me somehow as a “changed” man, gave me the impression that he got disappointed when he found out through this blog about the incident a couple of months ago that happened where my phone was stolen by this psychotic guy. His words according to my friend was, “he is already with Christ and saw the light so why he is still doing such things?” Honestly I got worried and felt bad at the same time. First, obviously he got caught on the false belief that when you became a child of God, all your sinning will stop and you will be living a “perfect” life. I used to have this impression towards born-again Christians that’s why I did not want to associate myself with them only to find out now that I am a Christian that this is not entirely true. The more you get to know the people and yourself the more you know how much you need God, and living totally a sinless life is an illusion! This is especially true for someone who’s trying to break free from the addiction or bondage of homosexual activities like me. Falling into sin once in a while should be not a surprise for we all have our weak moments. We are not okay all the time!
Second, it saddened me the fact that I have disappointed him and now hoping he will not be stumbled because of me. Lastly, I was hurt; just feel hurt because of all this. Inadvertently, I was able to share this during my interview with a classmate friend for her project and it turned out to be the highlight of my day. As I talked about my sexual struggle with her, the past sins I have committed, how difficult it is for me to say no sometimes, explaining to her that when I choose to sin it is because I love myself more than Jesus that particular moment, how I feel after and what I usually do to get right with God again, that I’d rather die than to commit sin and dishonor Him, words of realization just came out that somehow alleviated my feeling of being down. A Christian will always struggle because he loves Jesus and it will always be a part of this walk with Him perfectly or imperfectly. God has reasons we may not understand why He, the God of impossibilities, is not taking away our struggles, addictions, and all other problems we are dealing with for quite sometime now when He can actually take them away in a snap of His finger!
Lately, I do not know if I have mentioned this already in my previous posts, I have started to comprehend and be thankful to God with all my struggles. For almost five years of my journey with Him, struggles are one of the things especially my same-sex attraction and sexual struggles, which keeping me closer and closer to Him. Struggles are reminders who I am before God while gradually revealing Himself how patient, kind, forgiving, gracious and loving our God is. Struggles in life are one of His platforms for many of His goal for us including growth in Him through transformation towards becoming the person He intended us to be. Most importantly, I, including all these struggles, am nothing apart from Him. God loves me, the whole of me, including my struggles, no matter what happens. And this should be more than enough for me to continue holding on to Him no matter what happens! Again honestly, it is not easy but I cannot imagine myself living without God for life is all about Jesus.
Hopefully, that guy and the rest of the confident and “holy” Christians out there will also realize all these and always look to Jesus and not to their Pastors, Leaders, mentors or any human inspiration. Humans are bound to make mistakes and commit sins Christians or non-Christian. We are all imperfect even God is perfect. We must continue trusting and holding on to Him even if we are living an imperfect life. And we must continue seeking God’s presence always.
“We are called to live as imperfect persons in an imperfect world, to have courage to do the best we are capable of right now and to commit ourselves to our life tasks without evasion or excuse, serving others courageously and sacrificially. We walk a delicate balance of striving for the highest calling of perfect life in Christ but realize that we will never achieve this perfection and must continually find acceptance from God not through our worthiness but through God’s forgiveness.” – Jones & Butman
P.S.To my readers, I am planning and praying to take up to 21 units, that are seven subjects, this second semester. The head of the counseling department and registrar’s office are okay with this including more than half of my classmates I talked to while the professor of the most difficult subject from the seven, which is Theology 1, unfortunately told me not to take his course if I have 18 units already. This is also part of the things God have spoken to me this morning.
“It is not my strength but His strength, not my wisdom but His wisdom and all by His grace. It is my desire to finish the program and so it is also His desire.” I believe these are the words I heard from Him and this simply means to trust Him. Honestly I still have some doubts to go for 21 units or not so please kindly pray for me. Thank you guys and blessings.