D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Friday, October 5, 2012

When You Seek God’s Presence


This morning during my devotion time as I read God’s words in 1 Cor.10: 1-13 with the worship song “Lord I Give You My Heart” playing on the background, unconsciously, I have expressed my very deep longing for God and He came! As I continue reading His words I simply burst into tears, virtually shaking and nervously felt strongly His very presence!

I have been struggling with same sex attraction and sex not to fall for it on a different level for a few weeks now or probably months and it is making me feel to stop my church life and connecting with Christian friends especially now the first semester is over and the school break just started. Then yesterday I found out from a friend that a certain guy, who looks up to me somehow as a “changed” man, gave me the impression that he got disappointed when he found out through this blog about the incident a couple of months ago that happened where my phone was stolen by this psychotic guy. His words according to my friend was, “he is already with Christ and saw the light so why he is still doing such things?” Honestly I got worried and felt bad at the same time. First, obviously he got caught on the false belief that when you became a child of God, all your sinning will stop and you will be living a “perfect” life. I used to have this impression towards born-again Christians that’s why I did not want to associate myself with them only to find out now that I am a Christian that this is not entirely true. The more you get to know the people and yourself the more you know how much you need God, and living totally a sinless life is an illusion! This is especially true for someone who’s trying to break free from the addiction or bondage of homosexual activities like me. Falling into sin once in a while should be not a surprise for we all have our weak moments. We are not okay all the time!

Second, it saddened me the fact that I have disappointed him and now hoping he will not be stumbled because of me. Lastly, I was hurt; just feel hurt because of all this. Inadvertently, I was able to share this during my interview with a classmate friend for her project and it turned out to be the highlight of my day. As I talked about my sexual struggle with her, the past sins I have committed, how difficult it is for me to say no sometimes, explaining to her that when I choose to sin it is because I love myself more than Jesus that particular moment, how I feel after and what I usually do to get right with God again, that I’d rather die than to commit sin and dishonor Him, words of realization just came out that somehow alleviated my feeling of being down. A Christian will always struggle because he loves Jesus and it will always be a part of this walk with Him perfectly or imperfectly. God has reasons we may not understand why He, the God of impossibilities, is not taking away our struggles, addictions, and all other problems we are dealing with for quite sometime now when He can actually take them away in a snap of His finger!

Lately, I do not know if I have mentioned this already in my previous posts, I have started to comprehend and be thankful to God with all my struggles. For almost five years of my journey with Him, struggles are one of the things especially my same-sex attraction and sexual struggles, which keeping me closer and closer to Him. Struggles are reminders who I am before God while gradually revealing Himself how patient, kind, forgiving, gracious and loving our God is. Struggles in life are one of His platforms for many of His goal for us including growth in Him through transformation towards becoming the person He intended us to be. Most importantly, I, including all these struggles, am nothing apart from Him. God loves me, the whole of me, including my struggles, no matter what happens. And this should be more than enough for me to continue holding on to Him no matter what happens! Again honestly, it is not easy but I cannot imagine myself living without God for life is all about Jesus.

Hopefully, that guy and the rest of the confident and “holy” Christians out there will also realize all these and always look to Jesus and not to their Pastors, Leaders, mentors or any human inspiration. Humans are bound to make mistakes and commit sins Christians or non-Christian. We are all imperfect even God is perfect. We must continue trusting and holding on to Him even if we are living an imperfect life. And we must continue seeking God’s presence always.

“We are called to live as imperfect persons in an imperfect world, to have courage to do the best we are capable of right now and to commit ourselves to our life tasks without evasion or excuse, serving others courageously and sacrificially. We walk a delicate balance of striving for the highest calling of perfect life in Christ but realize that we will never achieve this perfection and must continually find acceptance from God not through our worthiness but through God’s forgiveness.” – Jones & Butman

P.S.To my readers, I am planning and praying to take up to 21 units, that are seven subjects, this second semester. The head of the counseling department and registrar’s office are okay with this including more than half of my classmates I talked to while the professor of the most difficult subject from the seven, which is Theology 1, unfortunately told me not to take his course if I have 18 units already. This is also part of the things God have spoken to me this morning.

“It is not my strength but His strength, not my wisdom but His wisdom and all by His grace. It is my desire to finish the program and so it is also His desire.” I believe these are the words I heard from Him and this simply means to trust Him. Honestly I still have some doubts to go for 21 units or not so please kindly pray for me. Thank you guys and blessings.

6 comments:

stanw said...

Praying for you concerning the decisions you are faced with concerning the # of units to take.

Yes, there are those who don't comprehend that as a Christians we still struggle with things in the past that caused us to sin. Thankfully we can look past their comments and know as we give everything to the Lord He will give us strength to say no and follow His will.

Stay strong my brother. Love to you <3

E L R o i said...

Hello Stan thank you and really appreciate it. You never fail to encourage me.....you are indeed a blessing. God bless brother. Just let me know if you also have some prayer request that I can pray for specifically.

Anonymous said...

As a gay man... you will have same sex attraction for the rest of your life...as long as you are a Christian you will be forever guilty about it...your life will be forever miserable..and God does not want you to live your life like that..living miserably. Life is a GIFT. Homesexuality and Christianity is like oil and water. This is my first time commenting in any blogs..I just cant stand that an educated person is living miserably. Read McVieShow blog.. he talks about Homosexuality and Christianity.---Gian

E L R o i said...

Thank you Gian for your comment and I really appreciate it. I agree that SSA will always be there and I agree that life is a gift but I beg to disagree that my life is miserable like you said. Yes it might seem miserable if you will only based my whole life on this blog. This struggle is just a small part of me and my life and our God is bigger than all of this so whether you believe it or not....my life is not miserable. In fact, comparing my life before when I am living as a "free" gay man with my life now as a totally free in Christ, I will never ever go back to that old life for that was truly miserable and now my life has a purpose, contentment and happy. I have come to admit already that struggles like this is just part of my journey with the Lord and and of our lives and I know He will never leave me nor forsake me no matter what happens. I have come to acknowledge that this is my daily cross that I need to carry because this cannot equal the sacrifice made by Jesus to forgive all of my sins and set me free. This is my way of showing my love for Him when I totally surrendered all of me to Him. Yes there were times I have given in to temptations before and I might fall again, which God only knows how many times in the future, but this is the truth shown to me by God and this is where I have experienced and still experiencing the power of His love for me. I will never ever forget that "encounter" with Him that turned my life into a better and real life. Also, thank you for saying that I am an educated which I assumed you based again on this blog but I hate to break it to you that this also seem made me fool .... yes fool for Christ as mentioned in the Bible. Sorry that you cannot stand this which I assumed led you to make this comment...and life is about choice. You have a choice, we all do have a choice and this is my choice. To each his own as they say.....take care and God bless you Gian.

Anonymous said...

I am also a Christian, but unfortunately, I've given up on my struggles and been living a life in a sinful relationship with a guy. But I would love to comeback to Him someday. When I first became a Christian, I had this inetense fire to know Him better, even going to a Bible school for a year, and doing church works and ministries. for about 4 or 5 years i had this fire in me. But it's been 17 years now that I have been living the "natural man". Often i would feel scared, worried that i've been wasting precious time, and my precious new life. still praying though that it would not be too late to come back and serve the Lord again. By the way, i am not HIV+, and I am pretty much aware of the subject. This is my very first time that i wrote a message to somebody like you. I feel you, brother in Christ, and I wish I could also pray for you, but it is me who needs prayer more. Call me Mac.

E L R o i said...

Dear Mac, thank you so much for visiting my personal blog and really appreciate everything you said. I just want to let you know that God has shown you already the way to a truly peaceful really happy life in the midst of all kinds of struggle in life. I know you know what I am saying :) And for God, it is never too late. The mere fact that you still have that desire to comeback and get your life right with Him with all these realization is already a starting point or could be a huge turning point. All you have to do is to make the right move for the LORD IS SIMPLY WAITING for you and to all who wants to go back. I am glad you understand that being a Christian with the homosexual tendencies all the time is not easy but you know what Mac? I'd rather suffer with this struggle in His presence than to live this life without Him. My life was such a total mess without Jesus and now even though I am struggling and committing sexual sins occasionally....I have hope in Him (our only true source of hope and a constant friend no matter what) that He will deliver me from this perhaps gradually as I am experiencing it. One day I will just smile at this because God has put me in control of this. I do not know when and how but I will simply trust HIM and continue holding on to HIM no matter what because apart from HIM I am really nothing. Mac we can never disappoint God for He knows already when and where are we going to stumble and fall...HE ALREADY KNEW THAT! And He is just there to pick us up...hold our hand and continue walking with HIM...that's what He desires for us in our journey with Jesus. The choice is always ours after we stumble and fall. I will remember you in my prayer MAC and am excited for you! Thanks and blessings my brother dear!