The Day A Dream Turned Into A Reality

Today is Black Saturday and it has been more than a week since the most anticipated event in this season of my life has happened, my graduation day. This and few things have kept me busy for the past couple of months and looking back, I still can’t believe that everything has been done.

After I have sent the letters for sponsors that I have entitled “Road to Graduation,” I have started working more on my thesis while waiting for responses. Many have responded positively! There were a few who immediately deposited the amount they have pledged and there were some who gave it to me personally. I did not realize that there are people who actually believe in me and in the ministry that God has called me for. Although there were a few who said that they would pledge but perhaps they have forgotten and that’s all right.Virtually, I was able to raise the amount I have stated in the letter and pay and bought the things needed to meet my graduation requirements.

The defense was not as nerve-wracking as I have expected. In fact, it was very relaxed and I only got a few but somewhat long revisions so in short, I passed! Additionally, we had photo shoot for graduation, graduation process such as clearance, exit interview and personal preparations. And then we had our Baccalaureate Service, submission of the final copy of my thesis, graduation practice and eventually the big day, which is our graduation ceremony! All these had happened in less than two months!

Well reflecting back, I can still feel the excitement, happiness and also of the sadness for another chapter of my life has ended. Honestly, there is also doubt and at the same time hopeful for new opportunities that might come my way…open doors that God has for me. Before graduation I never had a plan and now it has been more than a week and I still do not have a plan. Although, I have hopes and dreams of serving the Lord again through the “Channels of Hope” work internationally and use all that I have learned from the Bible graduate school. There is one thing that I cannot really run away from now that I got my degree, the very thing that I asked the Lord not to let me do…preaching! I had my first unforced preaching last Sunday and it was indeed a blessing for the few people of that small church community in Caloocan. Their Pastor even has sent me a text message thanking me for the Word of God I have imparted for it still ministering to him after a couple of days.. I still can’t believe that I have finished it for once it was only a dream confirmed by a prophecy and now it has become a reality! Praise the Lord!

In the next few months, I will be updating my resume, look for possible work opportunities, have my regular check up and get my medical treatment supplies, attend to workshops where I was invited to speak, go out with friends, take review classes for Guidance and Counseling board exam, and continue praying for the path God has set for me. In the midst of the temptations and struggles in this pilgrimage, God has been and will always be faithful. He never faltered revealing new things on His everlasting love for us.

Thank you for continuously reading my entries here and God bless us all! Shalom!

And That Pride Has Yielded...Finally

Recently, I was going thru a lot of challenges, relationships within the family, personal tussles, and financial issues. And because of all these, I felt so down, broken and driven-less since last Christmas until just last week… I have been moved to reach out to my family in the Lord Jesus Christ after pouring my heart out to God through praying. The most pressing concern among these challenges is my finances. This “moved” by the Spirit has begun mid last year but because of my “pride” issue…it took me months to finally obey Him.

As you may have known by now (or probably not) that I am on the last two months of the journey God has given me four years ago here at the Bible graduate school. And since mid 2012 after my contract with this NGO has ended I have faithfully depended on Him on everything especially the financial aspect while serving as a volunteer and being humbled thru the HIV&AIDS ministry and giving messages of hope thru speaking, teaching and counseling to different types and groups of people.

Now, I am praying to God for His financial provision as I end this chapter in my life in a couple of months. Being out of work for almost three years now and studying and serving to God’s community full time was a bit tough although it has taught me to really rely on Him, for finances has been always one of my issue in trusting Him…there is always doubt. This has somehow affected my attitude spiritually towards God, my Pastor, and church in the past several weeks. But this time now that my bank account is almost gone, He “moved” my heart and has confirmed several times already since last year thru some people in the church that it is about time for me to obey Him, forget the pride and do this. So with a bit of hesitation just to be honest...I have sent letters asking for financial support just until graduation to some people God has lead me to approach. In the letter, an email actually, I have invited them to be a part of this journey I am treading on as I finish this season of training and equipping.

Virtually this was also the content of my letter and it’s been four days since I have emailed it. I have already received responses from them and still waiting for some. I trust God will provide the amount I have stated through His people in His perfect timing. Honestly, I still have little doubts and still feel ashamed but I guess it’s just normal. What matters most is that I have finally took a leap of faith, which I should have done a long time ago through this step.

Please, I also ask for your prayers. First, that God would continue to lead and provide me wisdom and strength as I finish my thesis and the whole program…that I may be filled with our Lord’s Spirit, that I will be small and Christ be more evident to the people who I am encountering with. Lastly, that our Lord will take over my being and surrender myself that I can be a conqueror. Blessings to all! Shalom!

Seventh on the Thirteenth

Thirteenth day of this month, twelve days on Christmas seven years ago when I gave my life to Christ and have decided to follow and live in submission to Him by His grace and stubborn love.

Virtually each year around this time, the Lord has never failed in revealing to me about His character and indeed He has shown me something very unexpected and surprising exactly on the day that marked my seventh spiritual birth year as a Christian. It is more of a mystery of who He is and the way He works on the lives of people, specifically with my life.

"Mysteriously for some reasons, God can use even the sin situation of a person to bring healing on a certain degree to another person who are also in the same sin situation." 

Astonishingly, this is a very unique revelation the Lord has shown to me that day. And in the midst of the struggles especially the specific CROSS that God has asked me to take each day of this second chance in life He has given me, this remarkable revelation that happened particularly on THIS DAY encourages me to keep holding on to the real source of LIFE the Lord Jesus Christ even there were a lot of times already that I was ready to walk away from HIM. Yes there have been so many times that I just simply want to give up and not continue this walk with Jesus most especially each time I fail Him from the very thing that He asked me to yield…the same sex activities…and this time I did it again out of killing curiosity. Nowadays young and not so young people are getting hooked not just into sex but sex with drugs either E (ecstasy) or Ice (which is actually shabu that is injected or smoked) and they call it party with an e (so partee) and play or pnp for short. And if you are using ice, it is slam partee, which I have tried. Perhaps you are wondering and asking, “Why? You’re a Christian you should not be doing that! What made you do so?” Honestly, I was asking myself the same questions too after I have reflected on it as I endure the emotional and physical pain afterwards. Aside from curiosity that usually leads virtually everyone into any kind of sin, the grave reason was my unconscious frustrations or anger with God about my situation in the past few months such as unanswered prayers, financial challenges and not seeing things happening the way I have expected it. Obviously it was an act of rebellion on my part that led me to some reflective insights.

As I shared this awful sin to few friends not only to confess but to ask for prayers as well, one of them asked me if I had a moment of asking myself in the middle of sinning the question “what am I doing?” I said I did actually but I just ignored it only to be answered by God Himself. This is where that revelation I was referring to took place. Towards the end of that sinning, the guy I was doing it with suddenly has experienced a flashback of his life from the beginning up to the present, which made him broke down. He thought God showed him how is he destroying his life and relationships. Emotionally, he shared the repeated sexual abused he experienced from his yaya when he was young that turned him later on to be gay according to his narrative, how his relationship to his family went from good to bad, and how this partee-ing is destructing his young life. It was a wake up call for him and he has to stop right after us. All throughout I just listened and then encourage him at the end to go for that change and start rebuilding his relationships. He told me that it was his first time to share those hurts and his life to someone. Still having the effect of the drug, I was able to set it aside just to listen and minister to him! Who would have thought that it was even possible! God has twisted the situation for our favor and for His glory for my sin situation was used by Him to bring healing (by intent listening) on a certain degree to this person who was in the same sin situation. We were both grateful to each other after and I was even ashamed but yet more thankful to God for what He has done. Truly God’s grace is amazing! This was one of those rare moments that I have realized how amazing His grace really is and how stubborn, how wide, deep, and how high His love is for us…sinners. I texted him after a week and he told me he is really decided to alter the course of his life for the better so I am keeping him in my prayers.

Perhaps for some, this may sound absurd and foolish and I am also thinking the same thing for I was under the influence of drug. But even after my recovery, I believe in my heart that this was how God has revealed things to me out of this mishap that I got myself into. I maybe have grown in the Lord after seven years and indeed have been too hard on myself with this CROSS. I am not using this as an excuse but where I am coming out of from is an addiction and it is certainly hard and will continue to be for me to deny myself with the desire constantly…at least according to my therapist. It is only through the power of Christ and His grace that I will be able to do it.

So yes I am a CHRISTIAN but honestly I still struggle with SINS. But may the Lord continue to use the SINFULNESS and IMPERFECTIONS in and of me for His purpose as I choose to continue to walk on this journey and live this calling.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Journey Towards The End

It is semester break however, for the first time somehow I can't feel it or it is

quite hard to feel it probably because of the things I need to finish and start with, not to mention the inter-semester course I got enrolled. Well, that's student life.

As I begin with this journey towards the end of this formal learning phase of my life, I have mixed emotions. There is anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. After the grilling process of thesis proposal defense a couple of weeks ago, the data gathering or field work is now about to start. With no income and depleting savings account, uncertainty of the sampling for this field work, then data analysis and writing, all these bring anxiety. Although, there is excitement for the things that might happen as I perform all these and wait for God's surprises. Of course, anticipation for the fast approaching graduation is there. Taking this Masters degree and enjoying virtually every part of the school training is a dream come true and an answered prayer that the thought of finishing finally also brings anxiety and excitement all at the same time.  Again, anxiety because I do not have any plan yet after graduation though I have been praying and hoping that a door will be open for me to work once again in this NGO that I used to work with. And yes, I am truly excited to graduate and employ everything I have learned in service to God whether in or outside the church setting. But I still love to work on HIV&AIDS and yes I can't believe I am saying this...helping the churches or church community to address their concerns on homosexuality or same sex attraction (SSA) among their members. The stress, worries and other difficulties from all these probably have affected my CD4 count but as long as I am not sick I guess I will be fine praise the Lord!

To all my loyal followers and readers, please forgive me for not writing as often as before. Aside from too much study related works, there's nothing really much going on with my life that is worth-writing in my opinion. In the midst of student life, I still share my testimony whenever I got invitation to facilitate an HIV&AIDS workshop or seminar or on the topic on homosexuality, in addition to church duties and responsibilities as a leader. Thank you for journeying with me and for all your prayers, I really appreciate it. And please do send your prayer requests or questions and I will respond when I am able. Blessings to all of us! Shalom!

Lately...But I Am Good :)

“There is a house, empty, unfurnished that is gradually filled with nice furniture’s until it becomes fully furnished and turned beautifully. It could be real house or you as God’s dwelling place. And there is more to your testimony that God will let you discover.”  

These are the words I have received prophetically last July 22 during our men’s prayer night in the church. Aside from this, nothing much is going on with my life  as a student and full time God's servant although lately I have been struggling a bit more intense with my SSA related issues.

In general, I still believe that I am victorious for I know in my heart that I am and will always be a child of God pursuing relentlessly the life and destiny that the Lord has set for me in the midst of occasional failures (or much appropriate to call it sins) especially in the area of my SSA struggles. Again, I am not saying this like I am proud or something like that but to put a reality of following this calling of the Lord. Honestly, it is pretty obvious that it is very difficult and sometimes frustrating. You will always find yourself in a tug of war within yourself only to fall sometimes.

Long time ago I already made a decision that no matter what happens, I will stay in this journey whatever it takes and never let go. The struggles and hardships especially denying (and dying) to oneself cannot outweigh the peace, hope, joy and love in and of Jesus each day. By His grace and my faith, life has more excitement than frustrations, more real joy than just mere happiness or sadness, more adventure than boring, more victory than defeat, and most importantly…life has more meaning, knowing who you are in God in spite of unworthiness and trying to live the life that God has called you for. This might sound crazy for some but that is all right. I guess, it is just okay and more fun to be crazy with the Lord Jesus in this life.

Hopefully, this will negate the perception that once you are a Christian, you are perfectly okay and not sinning. Unfortunately that is not true especially for someone like who is slowly but definitely coming out of addiction. But what the truth is…a Christian sin less…thank God for the work of the Holy Spirit, for His endless mercy, stubborn love and amazing grace!

Lastly, please do pray for me as I do my thesis and final papers. I am on my last few months of my masters, hoping and praying to finish by March 2015 with flying colors! Also please kindly include financial provisions for it seems God does not want me to work but to focus only with my studies and depend fully on Him financially by faith. To all of my followers and readers, thank you very much and may the Lord’s love, peace and grace be upon you always.

Latest CD4 Count, Studies

After a little more than half a year I was surprised to see the result of my CD4 count. From beyond

normal of 631 CD4 per ml. of blood, it has plummeted to 331. It is a bit less than 50%! This has never happened to me before and I have not seen my physician yet as of this writing. When I shared this to some of my friends, they too were surprised and asked what could possibly be the reason(s) of its drop. Well honestly, I can't think of any except of less hours of sleep than the expected 7-8 hours and probably stress but still that was a lot I guess if these two are the only causes. I have never been sick for a long time already. At first I was a bit scared and confused but I hope, and some of my fellow HIV+ friends affirmed, that this is still normal and eventually it will go up again next time. So dear friends, please kindly pray for me. Although I am really fine as of the moment and the next scheduled visit to my doctor is in October.

As for my studies, my second to the last semester (hoping and praying) has started and I have just begun writing my thesis proposal. I need prayers on this too as well as financial provisions for I am not sure if I can work and do all my studies at the same time. I am working on finding out the barriers in churches and Christians on addressing the issue of homosexuality or same-sex attraction because I want to know the reasons why we are not able to minister to brothers or sisters and people with SSA effectively or not able to minister at all despite the command of loving one another as Jesus loved and accepted us in order to help the readers and other Christians to understand better the depth of this issue and eventually respond in a Christ-like way. Please kindly pray that this will be approved and become successful and eventually will be very useful for the Christians and churches.

Thank you for visiting my blog and God is good all the time. Praises and honor be to Lord Jesus!

Me in Kanazawa Port Japan with Logos Hope

 

Mt. Tateyama

Devotion

Last time I mentioned about my mission going to Japan and below how this trip went on.

Truly this trip last May 15-27 was all God’s since day one. From the denial of my scholarship to International AIDS Conference in Australia, to receiving this email invitation from a friend who extended his work at the ship, to the processing of VISA and getting it surprisingly in three days, to the smooth and safe travel, the whole workshop, the nerve-wracking devotion, down to the feedback and heart-warming responses of the people up to the last minute were simply awesome that I have felt God’s hands in each and every step of the way in accomplishing this project.

When I arrived at the ship and met the whole team, they have told me that they were all praying for the VISA and for my safe travel. Obviously it worked! As for the project, which is called S-Project where S stands for Sex or Sexuality, it was a combination of morning devotions and workshop on issues around S such as gender, marriage, purity, lust and other stuff with more focus on homosexuality. We did an approximately twelve one-hour workshop on SSA or same-sex attraction where I have to share my journey and personal struggles with the goal of helping them to understand how a person with SSA struggles from the beginning up to the present. Also we have discussed the practical ways of dealing with people who has SSA as Christians or God’s people. I did the biblical perspectives on homosexuality in my morning devotion where, again, I got wonderful positive responses. Literally, I felt like speaking before nations for my audience were missionaries from different parts of the world. Although, there was a point towards the last few days where I felt the stress of giving out myself through being honest and open with my life journey for more than 200 people that I want to cry. Yes I was getting great feedback and encouraging responses but I realized the this form of “self-emptying”, if done several times in a day or two, can be really stressful! But then again, I felt the Lord was just there to help me go through with all these by sending people just to talk with and pray for me and most of them were couples or families! There was a certain group of participants, the engine men of the ship whom I see as the tough strong men as a man with SSA get usually intimated with, where I got more like of an affirmation from the Lord. One tough guy said, “you are the real man of God” for my openness, honesty and courage to be real to them. I heard exactly the same feedback from another engine guy later on. What an affirmation from God! Young and old, single and married, struggling with SSA or not, came to me just to say how blessed they were, ask questions, seek little counseling, or even just having a mere conversation. There were people who wish to see all, including leaders, to walk without our masks on and it was a blessing for them to see someone as truthful and vulnerable as I am. I have visited and stayed in the ship a couple of times already but it was the longest time I have stayed in the ship and this one has given me a bit heavy heart when I left. God has greatly done an amazing job through us.

According to some of the leaders and few people, my visit was very timely that it was about time to talk about these issues that still apparently affect our life as God’s servants. Understanding the struggle of each persons, creating a safe environment for people to be honest and open, and bearing or struggling with one another were the key messages left in the hearts of people, which will all help to have a victorious walk with Jesus as we serve His kingdom. Truly, God uses our weaknesses and struggles for His glory that is why He is not taking some of them away.

On a lighter side of this trip, one Filipina missionary brought us to this world cultural heritage called Hida Shirakawago, a very nice and peaceful village where a 400-year-old Kanda House can be found. Unexpectedly, she also took us to Mt. Tateyama through Tateyama Kurobe Alpine Route where I got to see snow-ice formation up to the top of this mountain very close. Although I was not able to touch it for it was raining when we went there but at least I got to see for the first time snow ice! This was a beautiful surprise indeed so thank you Lord!

Before I left, they told me that they want me back next year to do it again. I guess we all have to wait for God’s signal on that. I surmise, like my friend said few days before I depart for Japan, with this unique calling God will surely carry me through. And like him, they have seen God in my eyes. Thank you to all who prayed for this trip and Lord this was all for your honor and glory. Praise God! Shalom!

P.S.

This coming Saturday, I will be doing the same workshop to this church in Manila for a group of young people. Please kindly pray for me. Thanks.