D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Major Fall

I hope I am not getting worst with the recent trials I have failed to win in the past few weeks of my Christian journey.

First, I got myself into a little flirting and cruising at the malls though they were all unintentional. Second I went to kissing and hugging guys during those times that I can't resist them, without having sex of course and then this sexual release for the first time after a little more than seventeen months of celibacy happened. After that I tried masturbating. And then last Saturday night I guess I had a major fall.

This guy followed me all the way to the ride station going to our house in the province. It turned out that he's attracted to me and well I am also attracted to him. Though I told him that I am a Christian and I have stopped having sex with guys he's very persistent of seeing me and befriending me that I cannot ignore him anymore. Eventually I said yes and I went out with him and have dinner at their house. I know this was a wrong decision because he's alone that time and it was not a safe place for the two of us and yet I still accepted his invitation.

We ate, talked and laid down together at the sofa
(again wrong move!) then it happened. We started kissing and hugging each other and then I came to a point that I can no longer resist him and have finally succumbed to the desires of our flesh. I even mentioned to him that I am HIV positive and it's alright with him. There's no penetration happened because I did not want to. After that I said sorry to him and to God.

That night before I went to bed, I told God that this is too much and I hate it. What really stunned me was that, once again I did not feel a huge guilt or if ever I have guilt feelings, it was not strong. I did not understand that until last Sunday when I confessed and talked about this to one of my friends in the church. By the way, I have confessed it to my pastor and other counselors.

When I talked to this friend of mine about all of this, she said that it was the grace of God. Jesus Christ took away the shame and guilt and God allowed me not to feel that. At first I was confused but she told me that's how God love me so much and we're so intimate now that He did not allow me to feel that way. Of course He's against it and grieved over it but the tears I cried during the altar call last Sunday were tears over His presence I have been longing during the time when it's all happening. It's easy for me to ask forgiveness and go back to Him but honestly if I would not be careful, this could lead me to abusing His grace without knowing and I do not want that.

Also, I need to mention that I have believed in the mendacity of the enemy that since I have broken my promise to God there's no use of controlling myself anymore that's why I let myself that night. I have been feeling miserably over resisting the temptations for the past several weeks which I did not understand at first why I have been bombarded by temptations anywhere which I surmise is not normal. I missed being happy. Then later on I found out that it has something to do with my prayers to Him and all these are just part of the test and somehow I did not managed to pass.

I have learned my lessons and I have to stand up, stop believing the enemy's deceptions, dust myself off and continue walking with the Lord Jesus Christ. I just hope and pray that this will be the last and painstakingly to be wiser next time to come up with the right decision. I have decided to be with Jesus no matter what happens for He will never leave me nor forsake me. I will stop being performance or goal oriented with my Christian walk because it's not doing me any good.

"Victory Over The Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson is the last book I read and it seems like I did not learn anything from it so I guess I have to read it again and this time put it in my heart. The book helps the reader to understand who we are in God and as a child of God and how to walk victoriously. I will share my review on this book in the near future here in my blog after finishing it for the second time.

6 comments:

mac_musings said...

The Christian who sins is the most miserable person on the planet. I think the worst feeling is not even that we fell into sin but that we wounded God's heart. Sin clings so easily to the flesh but the Word says we are no longer slaves to it. Too bad that God did not make us into unthinking robots that automatically obey. He took so much risk when He did that. We willfully commit sin. We also have to willfully decide to love him more than the temporary pleasures of sin. God walks with you through all of these trials. May we just learn to love him more than we love ourselves. The Lord's loving kindness is NEW EVERY MORNING.

E L R o i said...

Well I guess I have to agree with you brother but thanks for these words of wisdom. That's my prayer everyday, to be in love with Him more and more each day. God bless bro!

Rajsh said...

I will be praying for you. Ü

E L R o i said...

Thanks brother Rajsh I really appreciate it. Saw ur profile and I've seen you have read Bondage Breaker by Anderson. I'll buy that book, I have finished Victory Over Darkness but I will read it again. God bless bro!

stanw said...

My dear friend,

I read your very honest post today. The enemy has been working overtime with me as well in the last weeks and I allowed myself to be tempted and I followed that path. I wanted so much to find love and deceived myself into thinking that connecting with another guy was the way to fulfill that desire. Someone has said that FEAR is "false evidence appearing real." That description describes what I came to think I needed so badly. It's a lesson I have found myself needing to face and learn over and over.

I just changed the name of my blog to read, 'iCan.' I want to believe that iCan change, love, etc. and be free to make choices that don't drag me down.

Take care and cheering for you as you pursue being the man you so want to be. Our God is able.

E L R o i said...

Well I can truly relate....i'll be praying for you bro and glad that through this we cwan reach out to each other and be open to one another. I like that FEAR thing thanks, I guess I have to learn that as well.

We can change through God's grace and mercy and we have to believe through faith that God is chaning us everyday. We just need to be patient and faithful as well. I learned that no matter how many times we fall or how huge or small our offenses are, we just supplicate God's mercy and forgiveness. We can never disappoint Him. We just need to be honest and keep clinging to Him. That's what I learned from this fall. BE bold enough to come to the throne of God's grace and mercy because it's finished off by Jesus and we have to believe that and not the lies of the enemy. Bless you always my dear bro and take care.