After that inadvertent release of sexual urges a couple of weeks ago and realized that the promise I made to God has been broken, the enemy has lured me to another which is masturbation. This is my first masturbatory emission after more than seventeen months of celibacy and not having any natural release through wet dreams.
Alright I masturbated three or four nights ago trying to experiment if I can do it without thinking lustfully. Honestly, the only picture which came into my mind while doing it was kissing a guy with a blurred face but it was just a very fleeting moment. I have concentrated on touching and caressing parts of my body until I came.
Did I feel any guilt after? Sorry but I did not feel any guilt having this thought that it is possible to masturbate without lustful thoughts. I have a friend who's a Christian leader of this ex-gay ministry and according to him it is possible indeed that's why I tried it. Moreover, you must be disciplined so you will not be obsessed to it.
Why did I do it? I was tempted to have sex with a guy and I don't want to do it. In addition to that like I mentioned above, I just want to try it if it's possible and then see if I will feel culpable after.
A couple of nights ago, I was feeling the urge again but instead of getting into it I opted to pray and surrender it to Him and then tried to get to sleep. The enemy really knows when to attack because right after that prayer and lying on my bed, the guy I wanted to have done with it sent me a text message but I ignored it and went back to sleep. Also I have decided not to resort to masturbation having the fear that I might be addicted to it.
I have met a person who believes and earnestly advises that masturbation is for married people only. It becomes a sin because usually it is being done with lustful thoughts. The bible does not directly refer on this matter so it is viewed not inherently wrong. Well I guess I will try my best to abstain from doing it and pursue a holy and pure life with Jesus as long as I can with God's grace of course.