After that wonderful reunion with my friends last week, a series of poor judgments on my part happened. There are some lessons learned even without making mistakes but definitely inevitable for one event.
I have confessed this already to my few church friends including the pastor who disciples me. I became close to this guy I met during the HBC training. He's also HIV positive and he's broken hearted. In short, I became the rescuer of this person which should not have happened. We frequently talk to each other after that training until last Friday; I have spent a night with him at his place supposedly just to talk. We slept in one bed and then you probably know what took place the following morning, which makes him the fourth on the list. I believe I must stop counting because it's not doing me any good.
The poor judgment is when I decided to spend the night and sleep with him. Honestly, I came up with that decision because I myself feeling kind of lonely that time which made me vulnerable enough to loose self control. We should never trust our flesh for it remembers every pleasure we have experienced in the past that we want to forget and that's my mistake. I felt very disappointed and at the same time frustrated.
Confession to BP brothers during the support group last Saturday happened and then on Sunday to my church friends. Second poor judgment is when I still made the decision to meet this guy whom I also met during that training. Well I must admit I am attracted to him, he's the trainer in the session hall next to ours. We had a casual talk and we exchanged numbers. Wait! That's another poor judgment; I should not have done that! Sorry but can't help it.
Anyway, we had a dinner last Sunday with the intention of knowing the person a bit to melt away the mystery of attraction to him. I am quite disappointed for the following reasons. First, he's not the person I thought he was. Secondly, our conversation did not turn out the way I planned it because of how he had expressed himself. Supposedly, I was going to share some part of my life including my health condition but unfortunately it never happened. God has only shown me that there's no Mr. Right Guy to a guy.
The Lord knows in my heart that I am expecting him to come and then I will backslide. It will always be like this so I must stop this illusion and learn my lesson! Though I must say that there's still a physical attraction but I have surrendered it to God praying that it will simply go away. I am not planning neither to get in touch with him nor see him again.
Last poor judgment is when I talked to the guy who flirted with me on my way home that night. Nothing sinful happened but nevertheless I should have never entertained him. I was able to share my Christian life and how I became one and he was able to share his life to. I advised him not to get into a same sex relationship and go back to his wife; yes he's married with two kids.
God has only revealed to me through these events that same sex relationship is really out of his design and I must put an end to all these playing with my boundaries! We prayed for the consecration last Monday at the JREV night and I hope and pray that this will really straighten up my Christian walk for I am so sick and tired of falling into sexual sin over and over again and then asking for forgiveness.
I have no idea what God must be thinking but I still thank Him for His grace and mercy, and unconditional love. I will try harder to obey His teachings and ways according to His words. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray with me. Thank you.