D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A Series of Poor Judgments

After that wonderful reunion with my friends last week, a series of poor judgments on my part happened. There are some lessons learned even without making mistakes but definitely inevitable for one event.

I have confessed this already to my few church friends including the pastor who disciples me. I became close to this guy I met during the HBC training. He's also HIV positive and he's broken hearted. In short, I became the rescuer of this person which should not have happened. We frequently talk to each other after that training until last Friday; I have spent a night with him at his place supposedly just to talk. We slept in one bed and then you probably know what took place the following morning, which makes him the fourth on the list. I believe I must stop counting because it's not doing me any good.

The poor judgment is when I decided to spend the night and sleep with him. Honestly, I came up with that decision because I myself feeling kind of lonely that time which made me vulnerable enough to loose self control. We should never trust our flesh for it remembers every pleasure we have experienced in the past that we want to forget and that's my mistake. I felt very disappointed and at the same time frustrated.

Confession to BP brothers during the support group last Saturday happened and then on Sunday to my church friends. Second poor judgment is when I still made the decision to meet this guy whom I also met during that training. Well I must admit I am attracted to him, he's the trainer in the session hall next to ours. We had a casual talk and we exchanged numbers. Wait! That's another poor judgment; I should not have done that! Sorry but can't help it.

Anyway, we had a dinner last Sunday with the intention of knowing the person a bit to melt away the mystery of attraction to him. I am quite disappointed for the following reasons. First, he's not the person I thought he was. Secondly, our conversation did not turn out the way I planned it because of how he had expressed himself. Supposedly, I was going to share some part of my life including my health condition but unfortunately it never happened. God has only shown me that there's no Mr. Right Guy to a guy.

The Lord knows in my heart that I am expecting him to come and then I will backslide. It will always be like this so I must stop this illusion and learn my lesson! Though I must say that there's still a physical attraction but I have surrendered it to God praying that it will simply go away. I am not planning neither to get in touch with him nor see him again.

Last poor judgment is when I talked to the guy who flirted with me on my way home that night. Nothing sinful happened but nevertheless I should have never entertained him. I was able to share my Christian life and how I became one and he was able to share his life to. I advised him not to get into a same sex relationship and go back to his wife; yes he's married with two kids.

God has only revealed to me through these events that same sex relationship is really out of his design and I must put an end to all these playing with my boundaries! We prayed for the consecration last Monday at the JREV night and I hope and pray that this will really straighten up my Christian walk for I am so sick and tired of falling into sexual sin over and over again and then asking for forgiveness.

I have no idea what God must be thinking but I still thank Him for His grace and mercy, and unconditional love. I will try harder to obey His teachings and ways according to His words. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray with me. Thank you.

7 comments:

stanw said...

I know exactly what you are talking about - "sick & tired of falling into sexual sin...then asking for forgiveness." I pray that you will have the strength and courage to do what you know you must do, it is hard, really heard. Guard you heart and mind. I know I must do this also and be diligent, feel so weak in these things. Take good care.

E L R o i said...

Thanks Stanw....Yeah I am thinking of fasting and praying about it. God bless and take care brother!

m said...

"When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it roams through waterless places looking for rest but doesn't find any. Then it says "I'll go back to my house that I came from. And when it arrives, it finds the house vacant, swept, and put in order. Then off it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and settle down there. As a result, the man's condition is worse than the first. That's how it will also be with this generation" Matthew 12:43-45

Hi there. I came across this passage today and I think I need to share it with you. This is the mystery why we still sometimes fall again with the same sin. Once GOD clean our hearts and thoughts, the evil will not accept his defeat and he will send more temptation along our way to make us unholy again. Good thing is that GOD knows our heart well and he will give us always a way out. He is merciful and loving GOD.

I will pray for you brother that GOD give you the strength that you need. You are almost near in the light. Believe. Keep focus.

det said...

God loves you brother, that's why He let his Son Jesus Christ die on the cross, so you can be with Him in heaven.. but are you ready to love God back? if yes, then sacrifice your desires, let these bible verses carry you.. God bless you.. I love you my brother in Christ :)

Romans Chapter 12

1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, THAT YOU PRESENT YOUR BODIES A LIVING SACRIFICE, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

E L R o i said...

Thanks Det and for asking me that question... I am thinking about it and my answer is I want to love God back but how I wish it's that easy to sacrifice all these desires when I am facing them. Anyway, it's very clear formt he bible verses you mentioned and I do really have to do some re-evaluation of myself. Lord knows how much I have wanted to obey Him and love Him. This struggle is incomparable anyway to what Jesus did on the cross and I must be reminded with that all the time so thank you. Thanks for visiting my blog. God bless!

E L R o i said...

It's only now I noticed your comment for this post "m" and I thank you....what a wonderful reminder of God's love to us. I really appreciate it. God bless you.

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