D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Saturday, December 5, 2009

ED or not ED?

"Let's not continue doing this, it will all over be the same again. It feels good and happy on the first few weeks but will end up sooner or later, with each other being left hurt and heart broken."

These are the words uttered by this guy to my surprise and astonishment in the middle of our cuddling and kissing that day. Oh yes! I almost did it again just the other day. This person is the same guy I have sinned with the third and last time. I met him during the HBC training and we became close friends. He was broken hearted then and need someone to talk to whom he can truly trust. I have offered because honestly, I am attracted to him. I took the chance to know him personally so the mystery of attraction will melt away like what I usually do. Unfortunately this time, it did not work. The more I get to know him, the more I want to be with him that's why since then we became closer. Lord knows I do not want this and I did not expect this to happen.

I have been through with the entire possible struggle that is sex related, from flirting to cruising, masturbation, voyeurism, casual sex and pornography. I never thought that I would have to go through with ED or emotional dependency as well because it is more difficult according to those who have experienced it. I surmise this friendship I have with him can possibly develop into that if I did not put some action plan to stop it. We're both happy when we're together and we miss each other when we're apart.

When I confessed this to one of my pastors and counselors from the church, he said I need to set some boundaries or limitations. Good thing that this friend of mine have made a stand that he don't want me to go back to my old life completely for him; that I am already on the right track of my life and happy with it. He's right with that because from the very beginning I already told him my stand on homosexuality, all the things I have learned why I am trying to live my life away from it and that I am a Christian who is currently going through the process of being change by God.

I think I am falling for him that's why that moment I think I am ready to go with him and backslide. He did not want that but instead, he wants me to fulfill the promises which God has made for me and stick with it.

My counselor advised me that I do not have to evade him completely. Since he made a stand, he believed that I can lead him to Christ only I need to control myself, set limitations and pray for him. I need to follow that because in the first place, the reason why I befriended this guy honestly is to show him that living and suffering for Christ is way much better than living in slavery.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians5:1. Gay lifestyle is living in slavery, sexual addiction, relationships and other habits which make the person more addicted to it, depressed and feeling empty in the end without realizing it.

Thank God that He's truly in control and He's still protecting me despite of my wrong decisions in life. Praise G
od Almighty!

13 comments:

stanw said...

Man, you are sure struggling with this. From my experience I know that for me I couldn't still see a guy if I had slept with him. All the decisions and resolve to never let it happen again would all of a sudden dissolve when alone with him. Emotional co-dependency would definitely be a factor. This is just my opinion but I think it would be best to explain to him that you will pray for him and refer him to others who are stronger and you know will stand with him.

Take good care of yourself my friend. You have a caring heart, God will use it.

E L R o i said...

Thanks for the confirmation Stanw and for the advise, I guess that's the best thing to do but I believe I need some time to do that but definitely I will. I just need to set the limitations and be firm with them but yes I have to introduce him to other Christian friends that I have who are willing to befriend him.

You also take care and God bless you always. Thanks again. :)

Shangyih Y said...

We have been taught to win over life. Life competition is won by one with the greatest endurance. Setbacks even excite us to revenge a defeat. When I failed in the 2009 exam, I admitted my faults without any excuse. Forget the past, and go ahead to get through the 2010 bar exam by the way of no return.

E L R o i said...

Forget the past and go ahead...that's very nice Shangyih Y! That's what I am doing. Thanks a lot and God bless!

Giraffe Pen said...

El Roi, it's so sad to hear that you fell again but in many ways it's also reassuring to hear that you're aware of your weaknesses and repentant. If God weren't with you, you would feel neither of those things. Working out the signs before the pothole arrives is critical, as the saying goes: 'Know Thyself'. If you don't know yourself, then you'll keep falling into the same traps all the time.

I found it a bit worrisome (for want of a better word) that you said that you sinned 'for the third and last time'. Those words 'last time' are deceptive, and people in addiction who can't escape their addictions always make absolute statements like that. How many smokers have 'smoked their last'? How many drug addicts have said 'Never again!' It's good to be realistic and admit that there's a very good chance that you will slip again unless you do particular things and adhere to a wise strategy that will keep your feet from falling. If you make absolute commitments like 'last time', you're only going to set yourself for more self-loathing, deprecation, and misery and more doubt in yourself the next time you fall. The Devil will be there to wear you down with his mocking laughter, saying "He said he'd never do it again and NOW look at him!"

Just take one day at a time, my friend, and keep the absolutes away from your lips. It's better to say, 'TODAY I choose not to sin'. That's what got me out of my addiction: that and not being afraid to kill the friendships with the men that I'd slept with. No friend is more valuable than healing, growth, and godliness, especially if the friendship is killing you. I love you buddy :) xoxoxoxo Keep strong and keep your beautiful heart and handsome looks away from sinful situations and men who can't give the satisfaction that only God can bring you. You're in my prayers :D

Love Haydn.

Giraffe Pen said...

Oh yeah, I'd also like to add that I agree 100% with Stan; emotional dependency, as I see it, is at the very heart of the SSA struggle. Us SSA people were/are so emotionally starved that we'll often do the craziest shit to get the intimacy that we crave so much. We'll even degrade our bodies and do unspeakable, unrepeatable things with our genitals to get it. (There are things that I've done in the past with men that I can never repeat to my wife because it would be way too unhelpful.) You can stop having sex with men, but if you don't deal adequately with your need for emotional connection in a healthy way, then the same heart issue will stay and the addictive cycle can repeat itself with terrible consequences. I managed to overcome my sex addiction for about 12 months with God's strength, but the heart issue remained and I fell again and I was more cut up and self loathing than I was before because I'd so casually assumed that everything was ok. God wants our hearts more than our penises :P

I would have to disagree with your counsellor about keeping close contact with your friend. I would put your friendship on hold for maybe 3 or 6 months (or however long you need to heal) and/or limit your contact, only seeing one another in public with someone else there. Never drive one another home or have one-on-ones, even on the phone.
The reason is that the emotional connection is still there, waiting like a landmine waiting to be tapped. Your feelings for one another have reached a more intimate level and that compromises your ability to communicate the gospel. You can communicate God's love to this guy at a respectable distance, and if you trust God, He will provide someone else to step in and take your place while you have a breather.
Here are some parallels: if a judge is to preside over a case, he/she must recuse him/herself from the case and ask another judge to adjudicate, because any relationship with the litigants outside the court may compromise the objectiveness of the trial.
If a professional counselor or psychologist were to develop sexual and other non-professional feelings and relations with a client or if they hold particular prejudices against the client they're seeing, they too must recuse him/herself from managing that particular client. Doctors need to do the same.

This man is not your responsibility, ultimately, and God is a generous provider. If you know of someone who can give him Christian fellowship while you take some time off that will be much more advantageous. It'll make things awkward in the beginning and he may even be angry with you like almighty heaven, but that would be the price you'd pay for getting too close. Over time, things may heal with him but I would say that it's unwise to minister to this person.
The first boyfriend I had was someone that I was asked to minister to by a friend. We ended up having a sexual relationship going on and we didn't talk to one another for almost 5 years. Now we're good friends again and we never talk about what we did and I can minister to Him. I don't dwell on the stuff that we used to do because God's been working in my heart.
That's not to say the same thing will happen to you, or that you need to completely ignore the guy, but just be very very careful because Satan will use whatever dynamite he can to shatter you.

I love you, El Roi :) You too, StanW :)

E L R o i said...

Thanks Giraffe Pen for all these wonderful insights....what struck me most is the attitude "Today I choose not to sin" .....I believe I must apply this one but to defend myself a little....when I said the last time, I meant it was the last time and not the last time that I wont do it ever again because I am well aware that this statement is quite deceptive but thanks for reminding me.

I guess you're right that I have to meet this guy only in public and to avoid any one on one meetings and communication but I need some time to do this because honestly at this point...I have no strength to stay away from him totally but probably little by little.

Thank you for the prayers and for all the words of wisdom....it really helped me a lot and thank you for the prayers my dear brother....I love you too and God bless!

just a guy living with AIDS, one step at a time ... said...

Gosh -- you are on a rough path.
Being a Christian and Gay seems to be very hard. I don't know how you do it???
But best of luck!

E L R o i said...

Thanks bro! Only living with and for Jesus....because through Him nothing is impossible....God bless you!

Giraffe Pen said...

El Roi, It's worth adding that you're not Christian and gay. You're a Christian who's left his life of sin behind him with the power of God :D That's how you do it: by relying on that strength that's saved you. It's ALL in Titus 2:11-14 :D

big LOVE said...

While everyone of us is struggling from different situations, I am very inspired on how you handle yours. I hope I could be as strong and believe that God is really in control of my life too. You see, I have few doubts about God healing me whatsoever but somehow at the end of the day, I would be convinced that He really does have control. I have been experiencing the same problem since April 2009--the fear of getting or having HIV. Many symptoms have been coming back and I've been getting tested about four times already. I'm still freaking out but I have to continue fighting and trusting God for He is my ultimate end. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and making other people depend on it for strength.

bath mate said...

broken heart is here also

Bathmate

E L R o i said...

sorry to read that....just turn to Jesus and let Him take the burden