Honestly, I was really hesitant if I'll write about this here or not. Perhaps I am afraid what people who read and follow my blog might think or say about me.
But then it does not matter because first and foremost, this is my personal journal and I am doing this for God. He knew it anyway and I'm accountable to Him prior to anyone. I just want to share how I feel after I fell again sexually last week.
Instead of guilt, what I felt was rage against me. I said "shit" several times to myself, cannot believed that I have done it again! In spite of God's goodness and being truthful to His promise, this was how I have treated Him back.
Then the Lord made me realized this. "Son it's just waiting to happen. You know very well in you heart and in your mind that you still have a plan to do it. You're holding on to the contacts of some few guys whom you'd like to meet and have it done with. Also you still want to go back to a couple of guys in your past even you already knew that it was wrong and will never satisfy your needs, only it will bring you back to your old self. Let them go and yield it to me my son. Do you want those promises to happen and eventually become a man I have always wanted you to be? Then let go and obliterate the things from your past and cease holding on to them. Or else, it will gradually pull you down and separates us."
God has forgiven me graciously I know. Almost I heard Him audibly just to help me realized that. Truly there's nothing we can conceal from God. This directed me to destroy the things I am holding on to which could lead me into sexual sin. It includes deleting the contacts and changing my other number. Temptations I've been facing everyday merely just from walking off to work or in mall are strenuous already and holding on to such things and making it an option is too much.
Sometimes I cry out to Jesus to help me find a joy in carrying this daily cross of mine, denying myself and dying to all of my homosexual desires. The Lord knows how much I've wanted to stop, not to fall to any sexual sin over and over again. Avoid looking at it as an option whenever I feel vulnerable (feels alone, tired and sad) and utilize the authority, the strength He has bestowed upon me over this weakness. So I offer this prayer to our Heavenly Father which He has shown me during one of my daily devotion.
"Heavenly Father, I desire to walk in purity with you. Fill me with Your holiness as I pursue a life that is free of sexual sin, in Jesus name Amen."