D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Monday, June 14, 2010

Again?

Honestly, I was really hesitant if I'll write about this here or not. Perhaps I am afraid what people who read and follow my blog might think or say about me.

But then it does not matter because first and foremost, this is my personal journal and I am doing this for God. He knew it anyway and I'm accountable to Him prior to anyone. I just want to share how I feel after I fell again sexually last week.

Instead of guilt, what I felt was rage against me. I said "shit" several times to myself, cannot believed that I have done it again! In spite of God's goodness and being truthful to His promise, this was how I have treated Him back.

Then the Lord made me realized this. "Son it's just waiting to happen. You know very well in you heart and in your mind that you still have a plan to do it. You're holding on to the contacts of some few guys whom you'd like to meet and have it done with. Also you still want to go back to a couple of guys in your past even you already knew that it was wrong and will never satisfy your needs, only it will bring you back to your old self. Let them go and yield it to me my son. Do you want those promises to happen and eventually become a man I have always wanted you to be? Then let go and obliterate the things from your past and cease holding on to them. Or else, it will gradually pull you down and separates us."

God has forgiven me graciously I know. Almost I heard Him audibly just to help me realized that. Truly there's nothing we can conceal from God. This directed me to destroy the things I am holding on to which could lead me into sexual sin. It includes deleting the contacts and changing my other number. Temptations I've been facing everyday merely just from walking off to work or in mall are strenuous already and holding on to such things and making it an option is too much.

Sometimes I cry out to Jesus to help me find a joy in carrying this daily cross of mine, denying myself and dying to all of my homosexual desires. The Lord knows how much I've wanted to stop, not to fall to any sexual sin over and over again. Avoid looking at it as an option whenever I feel vulnerable (feels alone, tired and sad) and utilize the authority, the strength He has bestowed upon me over this weakness. So I offer this prayer to our Heavenly Father which He has shown me during one of my daily devotion.

"Heavenly Father, I desire to walk in purity with you. Fill me with Your holiness as I pursue a life that is free of sexual sin, in Jesus name Amen."

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

why torment yourself? you think our all loving and all compassionate god made you gay then would deny you enjoyment of your sexuality? i used to be like you but it just left me tormented and miserable. i went to church everyday, rosary, confessions -in short all the works. until i realized that there is nothing wrong with being gay and with acting out your sexuality so long as you put in within certain limits that you know god in his infinite wisdom can be proud of. i know you dont share this view but i can tell you with a sincere heart that i am much much happier person now. take care.

pinoybkkian

E L R o i said...

Thanks brother for the comment....I am happy too and I have a better life now that I have Jesus compared before that I do not have Him. Also neither I am miserable nor tormented believe me so sorry if it seems like that. Having said that, there are sacrifices must be made to be a true follower of Christ. It's obeying God's word from the Bible even if its hard because of love for God. God did not make us gay and no one was born like that, but it does not mean you have to live a gay lifestyle. According to His words, homosexual offenders will not inherit the kingdom of God(1 Cor.6:9-11). I already suffered a consequence and that made me decided to stick with God's word even if it's not easy for God's grace and love is enough. The Lord knows our capabilities of sinning and that's what Jesus have died for. Anyway, take care too and thanks again. God bless you. :)

stanw said...

Dear friend,

It must of been hard to share this but glad you did, there is value in being honest, especially before God who knows it anyway and still loves you unconditionally. Good as well that you made it clear in your response that you are not miserable nor tormented, just sticking to what God wants you to do. Standing together with you, and praying.

E L R o i said...

Your words my dear brother were truly encouraging so I really appreciate it. People like you are God's sent for me to stand firm to His words. Hope meet you someday personally. Thanks and blessings to you bro! :)

Rajsh said...

Kasama mo kami ni john sa pananalangin for you Dr.Elroi! Thanks for sharing this...

Romans 7:14-25
1 John 1:9
Ephesians 6:10-18

Mwuah! =)

E L R o i said...

Hello Rajsh thank you for being a faithful sister in Christ....love u and blessings! I usually read Romans 7 to make me feel better but thanks for reminding me the Ephesians because I believe that's what I'm lacking of. I used to do that (as in with action hehehe) before leaving the house everyday but it stopped so I guess I have to practice doing it again so thanks. :)

Rajsh said...

Wala yun!

Thanks din sa encouraging words mo sa email... Salamat, salamat!

Stay blessed and a blessing. See you soon! hehe.

Mwuah! :-*

Anonymous said...

offering a prayer that you will have the strength to resist the temptation.

E L R o i said...

thanks anonymous...God bless you :)

Courage Philippines said...

Denying one's self and carrying the cross is obviously not easy, but it is the way that leads to eternal life. It is the hard and narrow way that we who struggle with SSA strive hard to follow. Yes there will be falls. Just stand up and press on. It is part of the journey. Every time you stand up and take the lessons to heart, it means you are actively engaging in the battle. We are in a battle and we are most likely to get wounded along the way. The only time you will lose is when you give up the fight and raise the white flag of surrender.

Christ has already won this war for us. We just need to stick it out with him until the end.

One who truly loves God is willing to endure the pain, the trials, the sacrifices - everything it takes, so keep loving and keep fighting for what is right.

God bless you brother.

E L R o i said...

Very well said bro and very encouraging. People like you are the Jesus on this earth. Like what God says in Hebrews 10:24-25, let us keep on encouraging each other so thank you very much I really appreciate it bro. God bless you and the works of your hands. :)