For the past few weeks, I have felt that I was drifting away from God. I have been immersed in God's ministry for a couple of years now or more. In fact I just started my two year contract with this organization to serve Him continuously on the HIV and AIDS Ministry. That made me even busier.
I said I felt I was slipping away from God because I have committed the same mistake again a few times during the same weak moments which I have been experiencing lately. The unworthy feeling and convictions I am feeling is awful and somewhat devastating.
"iCan" posted his thoughts on his blog which entitled "Idol" and he referred to ten but he focused on the one he can relate to. That is pleasure. His post have spoken to me simply because it made me realize that it is also becoming an idol of mine unaware even if I do or have done it occasionally!
Like the people of Israel who grew impatient and started to worship a "golden calf" idol made by them, I felt I am beginning to be like them. Sometimes I caught myself rationalizing and saying that probably it's alright to fall into a sin occasionally because I am serving God big time! How selfish I am to think that way!
Jesus Christ follower can not have both worlds. There are sacrifices must be made and those sacrifices out of love for God must be, will turn me into the person He intended me to be. It will only going to happen if I stay in the path and direction He set for me instead of slipping away to here and there. And idolatry to pleasure is not only a sin but also being foolish and selfish.
Work in process, I know I am still and most of us are in this situation. But I must learn how to control myself and thrive towards holiness and purity because our God is holy.
Let me borrow my friend's thoughts. I am so blessed to have a God who loves me enough to show my weaknesses and help me to want to give them to Him. It is a journey and I pray I will keep my eyes on God who knows me much better than I could ever know myself no matter what. God knows what I need. I am prone to think I know what I need but I certainly do not.
No longer can I still live my life without Jesus and no matter how many times I fail and fall, I will stand and ask God's forgiveness and then continue this journey with Him. This was also my Pastor's advice and my decision. I am a child of God and I am a Christian whatever happens!
God knows exactly when and where I will fall in the future whether through my SSA struggle or through my other area of weaknesses. Like I said in my previous posts of confessions, this maybe not the last time I will commit the same sin but I will continually hang on to His grace and mercy and pray for God's strength to win this battle in the midst of allowing Him to use this God given and very blessed life for His glory!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3a.
Thank you Stanw for your post and God bless us! :)