Five years ago today, I was at the lowest, totally hopeless, and darkest point of my life that the only way I can think of was death. With a flickering fear that have prevented me from taking my own life, God have intervened and met me through one of His daughters who happened to be also a “healer” and had been seeing me for almost a year then. That was the day when I have yielded my life to God the Heavenly Father and asked Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior.
A lot of things have taken place in the past five years of my journey with the Lord. It was not a bed of roses kind of road for some of these events were tough challenges and disciplines. But irrefutably, most of them were huge blessings and breakthroughs in my life. Just to name a few, God have entrusted me a quite challenging ministry on HIV&AIDS through Channels of Hope as His ambassador, which I have done, and still doing very passionately. Sharing or testifying God’s faithfulness, abounding mercy, love and grace in my life was not an easy task but I felt so blessed that God has chosen someone as broken, dirty and unworthy like me to be a channel of His Hope to many. And through this ministry, God made one of my dreams came true and that is to travel not only in the country but also in some parts of the world too, with the blessing of carrying and spreading His words for the people. Presently, who would have thought I would be in a Bible School to study Pastoral Counseling? Is not that amazing? Now I am in my second year and truly enjoying it.
How about my struggles as a Christian having attraction with the same sex and all other sexual sins that are associated with this brokenness? Did it disappear or at least have progressed immensely and turned me more holy than the others? Or have I completely healed or cured from HIV and at the same time have totally become heterosexual? Probably, these are the questions I might encounter from people if ever I will have my own “press conference.”
Well, perhaps you will be sad to know that I still struggle with the same sex attraction and other sexual sins that come with it such as pornography and masturbation. Although, I have to say that God has been so merciful and gracious to me to have more victory over this battle than loss. I am more of in control (or God) over this selfishness than before. More importantly, this brought me closer to and made me hungrier for Jesus for all our struggles in life made me realize that we are absolutely nothing apart from Him. I guess the Lord is not going to take it away very soon but I will never stop seeking Him more and praying to grow more in Him through this. I surmise this, too answers the question on my heterosexuality. Do not fret if I am still HIV+ because I strongly believe that God is healing me on His own way. My viral load count remains undetectable, my CD4 count is still very close to normal and most of all, I am virtually healthy!
Aside from the church and ministry friends I already have, the new friends whom I can be really my self with the warts and all, I have gained from the Bible school were all great blessings and that I am so grateful with the Lord, not to mention all the new learning and skills I have been acquiring from my classes. And like God, the church that adopted me as part of the believing community who remained supportive and faithful to me is something I also should be thankful for.
Finally, all of these did not make me holier than others but turned me into a more mature and better believer in Christ and as a person. Confidently I can say that I am not the person that I used to be five years ago for God has changed a lot in me. God is not yet done with me, He still changing me, working behind my back to make the man He wanted me to become for I am not yet that man. Struggles in life, which is incomparable to the suffering on the cross Jesus took in our place, that comes in this journey with the Lord Jesus is part of the deal for it is the place where God can transform us into His likeness.
So no matter how you feel unworthy or undeserving of your self or of your life, or whatever situation you are in at this moment, just turn to God and entrust your life to Jesus for He is the only way, the truth and the life. There may be difficulties but there are also lots of blessings in journeying with Him and those life events are God’s platform where He can transform us and live this life to the fullness He intended for us.
Like what I always say every time I speak before a group of people in the workshops or training, the past five years of my life with Jesus is much better and joyful compared to my life before I get to know Him. God sacrificed His own son for us to be in the most wonderful relationship with Him. An everyday surrender and small sacrifice from our part to honor and worship Him in exchange to a greater, blessed and full life is nothing compared to the greatest love of all He have shown to us. And all of these make this life wonderful, adventurous and worthy to live! Though I still have dreams and desires, I can say I am happy and contented and will continue live for God’s purposes and for Him alone.
If you have not took that step yet of giving up your right to govern your life to Jesus for He’s far more worthy to do it, you can do it now and begin this amazing relationship with our Creator through Him. It could be the one and only reason why have you come across this blog whether accidentally (though I don’t believe on accidents) or intentionally, and read up to this point so go! He is excitedly waiting for you!