The past seven weeks were so crazy with the schedules. After the Theo Forum, I had to finish the modular class on Gender & Sexuality followed by a two-day retreat on a weekend, class reports, counseling projects, papers, lots of readings, final exams, ministry invitations, and more papers! I only took off a day from all these, which was on my birthday. As of this writing, I still have one more paper to do.
Allow me to talk first about what happened in this class. It was not my first time to hear about homosexual Christians serving the Lord but for some reason, I was totally disturbed and got confused with things I heard such as, “the Bible has no sexual ethics but only love ethics and homosexuality is not the issue but on how the Scriptures inform us to live our lives (Wink, 1996). Then I was remind about a conversation I had with my former mentor that there are same sex couple who are Christians and actively serving the Lord in their church. Moreover she said, who are they to judge or condemn them and deny acceptance to serve God in their congregation. All these thoughts really have tested my values and belief I have carried for more than five years now. If other Christians can allow these, why do I have to struggle and deprive myself from this longing and intimacy with a man? Not only that, I heard one famous Christian speaker on TV proclaiming that we should follow our desires and enjoy life for they are God’s gift instead of suffering! And all these took place when I thought God has finally liberated me from the deep shame of sharing my homosexual struggle where I have felt confidence and conviction speaking about this part of my life for the first time!
Spiritual attack was what all this about according to a very trusted friend. Truly I sought God and His will for me regarding this matter for honestly, there is this small part of me who wanted to follow the desire to be intimate with a guy while serving the Lord and feel not guilty. And He brought me back to where I have experienced Him very intimately and spoke to me about the truth, in which He continuously brings healing to me all by His grace. It was like “this is my will for you and you do not have to think about others beliefs on this issue, it is about what have agreed upon. Simply love them the way I love you.” And for me, loving them is not accepting what they believe but giving it a respect. That was how this confusion settled.
My 36th birthday happened quietly with my family. Well, that was what I thought because a lot of people remembered to greet me even I have removed it from my FB and skype profile. Surprisingly after a couple of days, two very good girlfriends of mine from my last workplace showed up at the school and gave me an Angry Bird balloon and small cup birthday cake as their presents! They have never failed to make my birthday really special.
As for the papers and final exams, I thank God for everything went very well even better than I have expected. I was able to study and confidently able to do the finals two weeks ago and last week. The due papers were done earlier and the last one can wait after this Holy Week to start with for the submission was still eight days after the next month sets in. When it comes to ministry work, I was able to share twice more God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life and do Facilitation Skills and Positive Living training for PLHIV future Learning Group Session (LGS) facilitators.
The SSA and sexual struggles are still there but God is with me all the time even there were times I was not so I will never cease living the life Jesus has given me in the midst of these struggles. What a way to end this semester, almost. Looking forward to relax for a moment and pray for work and finances to continue my studies so please do pray for me.
Blessings to all!