The Adversity of Waiting

It's been 3 months now since this job I've applied and prayed for was offered to me back in Bangkok.

The person in charge flew to Thailand then from the country where he is based to personally talk to me about it and I was very excited because I felt like God created this job and have chosen me to specifically do this work for his kingdom.

A week after I came home I was phone interviewed by him just to formally go through with the process and was informed to be notified in a month regarding the status of my application. It is the normal time frame for international job application according to him.

One month had lapsed and I never heard anything from them. God can give anything to us but He can also take them away anytime He wants. I have been thinking whether God was just teaching me to be patient or He decided to take this job away from me because of the sexual fall I had back in Bangkok or of the sinful desires in my heart which kill me everyday. These are the things that were going through in my head. Good thing I was busy doing the Hope ministry, doing interviews and meetings and attending trainings then.

Another month had passed and this time I was and still busy doing nothing, idle and getting a little impatient. And then I received an email from my contact person that I still need to wait a call now from the HR at the local office here in the country. Two weeks of waiting went by and the same things I mentioned above keep going through my mind. Actually it got worst that somehow I became a bit sloppy with my walk and fell into sexual sin again. Honestly, I really felt bad even after my confession to God and asked for His forgiveness. My accountability partners and pastor won't be happy about this.

Now I've got no choice but to stay with Jesus although I failed him once again, pray and still wait. I do not know but I feel like God is playing with me. I truly feel awful about myself because of what happened, a little edgy and frustrated. I feel like God is taking this job away from me. Will God simply do that because of my stupid mistake? Is our Father like that? Do you think He'll do that as a consequence?

Frankly speaking, I deem of letting go and take control of things but I am well aware that this is wrong. This is not God-dependence. I have to convince myself that this is another test of faith and continue clinging on to Jesus albeit I don't feel like it no matter what.

In my two years and five months Christian journey, I have been fed and learned a lot from my pastors, counselors, friends, Christian books, trainings, seminars, ministry and especially from God's word. The only thing left are the proper application of these knowledge.

Truly from with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief, Ecclesiastes 1:18.

Basta Lovelife

This book by Kuya Kevin is all about making wise relationship decision. I believe this is his first published book here in the country.

Kevin Sanders answers virtually all the most frequently asked questions about love, sex and relationships. Each topic or subjects were presented in a short but very clear way that you can finish reading the whole book in one sitting. It was done very nicely I must say, very easy to read and comprehend.

Here you will understand how's a man or woman should be in a relationship. He talks about the male sex drive, common mistakes women commit, why self control is important and why purity really matters, and other relationship issues.

You can also find ways on how to overcome rejection and break-up and other relationship dilemmas. Kevin also talked about lifestyle issues such as on-line dating, living in and same sex relationships, the truth behind all these things.

In short, it can be a guide on how to have a Christ centered relationship. Yes, the bottom line, loving God first and having an intimate relationship with Jesus by obeying Him for you to have a God-centered relationship. A relationship that is blessed and according to His will.

So get your copy now! Be pure, be wise and be blessed like what Kuya Kevin said!

Nazirite Phase 3 - Hunger

I am grateful to God for He allowed me to attend the third installment of this training by my pastor held in Baguio City at PBTS last week.

Getting more intimate with God and hungry with Him is the key principle of this phase. Real fasting and praying, intercession and worshiping, meditating on God's word were some of the significant things I have learned which must be a lifestyle of a true follower of Jesus Christ. First phase started with humility all the time followed by holiness, which by the way the greatest experience I had on this training, and then intimacy with our Creator through Jesus.

Honestly, I never really had an encounter with God during this phase unlike in holiness where God had truly spoken to me as early on our first night. My pastor told me then it was the best testimony he ever heard from me because I uttered words of encouragement to young people. I remember I was very inspired by the Holy Spirit while delivering those words. It was also the time when my feelings for this beautiful lady became passionate. By the way, the last time I checked she's getting married late this year. I never got the chance to tell her how I feel. Obliviously she's hurting me but I am alright, God shielded my heart from too much pain.

The best thing that happened to me on this training was when the boys of the participants, mostly member of our church worship team, asked me to join them on their bonding moments. I really felt I belong to this group of male, just one of the boys having fun! They did not treat me as "gay" but as their respected older brother instead! It feels great to be just one of the guys praise the Lord!

Now we're closer and have more passion for Jesus! What a wonderful experience back there, thanks to Him!

When I got back to Manila, I was put to test by the enemy but God's grace is sufficient for me to choose Him over the temptations he had set. It was hard I must admit but God will always provide a way out. All I have to do is to decide to get out.

It's time to put into practice everything I have learned from the beginning and live the Nazirite lifestyle, walking in humility and holiness very intimately with God.

Learning The Hard Way

Honestly, I am not fond of reading true to life stories before. When I became a Christian I have read the amazing stories from the likes of Brother Yun, Franklin Graham, Dennis Byrd and a few others.

Knowing how God had moved to the lives of His people got my interest in reading them now. The miracles, the healing and the unimaginable twist and turns God allowed in someone's life bring inspiration and help my faith to grow more and cling into Jesus steadfastly.

This book by Kuya Kevin Sanders is a compilation of stories contributed by Filipinos. The lives of these people had been touched by God in different ways but shared with one denominator, falling into sexual sin.

Sexual sin does not come in one form and there are many factors around us that could put anyone at risk of falling into it when the person is oblivious and imprudent. The body is not meant for sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:13) but for the Lord. God is abounding in love but also just and definitely there are consequences for all our sinful actions and most of it is severe.

There are eighteen heart breaking testimonies where you can learn from on this book. But moreover, you can see God's goodness and faithfulness when they started to yield their circumstances to Jesus. God is truly a God of second chances and real hope can only be found in Jesus!

This book also speaks about the reality that is happening inside our churches. It only shows that Christians are really not immune to temptations or sins and also capable of making wrong decisions. Disobeying God or living a life without Him could definitely lead into catastrophe. But what matters most is how you get up after falling just to continue the race God asked us to run, an attitude reflected in virtually all the stories here.

My favorite stories are "Sexual Sin and Stronghold" and "Confessions of a Porn Addict". Not only I can relate to these people but I was simply amazed on how God turned their lives around. My story was featured last entitled "Living with HIV". It's available at PCBS, National Bookstore and Power books.

"Our journey is one of faith. The Lord's glory is often hidden from our sight. While it may seem dark as we struggle along the darkness can also be a door into union with the Lord if we allow Him to walk with us in our journey. Walking with Him gives us hope and peace."

Ministry and Me

It's been more than six months since I've got a regular job. But the good news is that God remains faithful, and will always be, when it comes to my daily needs and in answering my prayers even the small ones.

Somehow the Lord loves keeping me busy with the ministry He had entrusted me especially the past week.

Last Thursday, I went to the hospital to get my ARV and checked out the result of my latest CD4 count; from 448 it had increased to 521!

After that, I met Kuya Kevin and recorded a radio (podcast) interview with him on his program "Basta Love Life". I am a follower of his blog but it was the first time I personally saw him. He's an incredibly wonderful guy with a heart for young Filipinos. To listen to that interview and know Kuya Kevin more, you can click the links below.

http://kuyakevin.libsyn.com
KuyaKevin.com

My doctor and I, together with the other facilitator, had conducted the two day COH workshop to her (my doctor) church. She's so happy that it finally happened and God truly moved the hearts of the participants!

Two days ago I had attended my first HIV summit in Manila. It was nice to see good friends I have not seen for a long time there and meet new people working in the HIV and AIDS ministry.

Lastly yesterday, I gave an orientation of "Channels of Hope" program to the youth of this church in northern Manila. The response was great and I think they have enjoyed it.

After that, I had decided to go home and take some rest. I was able to finish Kuya Kevin's "Learning the Hard Way" book while in the bus on my way home. The last story featured was mine (Living with HIV) and I'll be fair with my review which I will post here soon.

These are all great blessings from God and words are not enough to thank Him. But thanksgiving to God must be never ending (1 Thessalonians 5:18) so thank you Lord and praise you!

I am excited with the amazing things God is about to do next! He's simply the best!

Sexual Healing

This book written by David Kyle Foster is truly a biblical guide to finding freedom from sexual sin and brokenness!

He talked about the specific sexual sin areas such as the cause of homosexuality confusion, child sexual abuse, sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation. Also he discussed what brings healing to all this sexual brokenness. These comprise the second part of the book.

Laying the foundations for healing sexual brokenness was covered on the first part as well as the root sources for aberrant sexual development and the divine intent for sexuality.

I was appalled by the revelations I got for myself while reading it. First, I know I am living under grace but not completely to my astonishment! For more than two years of my journey with Christ, I've been praying for deliverance from this struggle and purity when actually I don't really and utterly want it. This explains my habit of entertaining good looking guys and past unforgettable sexual encounters occasionally in my head as well as the hidden desire to try other "stuff which I have not tried" on sex before changing fully. What a self-deception!

Second, I have finally acknowledged that I am obeying God because I was supposed to and not because I wanted to. This is being performance oriented rather than living totally by His grace!

Lastly, this book made me comprehend what idolaters really is and why do we keep giving in to temptations with those foolish and unequivocally non-biblical justifications for those actions. Now I know what God truly is saying in Romans 1:22-28 and why I keep on falling. This realization was intensified with last Sunday's preaching about "Lordship", that Jesus must be the only one Lord of our life. He must not be contending with others especially with our own selves!

Evidently, God revealed all these things to me and I was bewildered and feel so lost at first. But I am glad He did and I am thankful because now I have changed my prayer and became more conscious if what I am saying to God is actually what's inside my heart. I am asking Him to renew a steadfast spirit within me and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me and change wholly, Psalms 51:10-12.

I have decided to believe in God's grace and live out of it instead of just trying to perform to earn God's favor by trying to obey Him because I want to. As a Christian, all my actions and decisions must be simply motivated by love, love for our Saviour the Lord Jesus Christ.

With faith and hope, one day I believe God will deliver me completely from this SSA struggle, from this brokenness and any related "dirty habit" that I will not go back. Those toxic, filthy rags I'd been holding onto will be replaced with something that is infinitely more valuable such as a glorious robe of righteousness.

The prime directive in accomplishing this is developing an intimate relationship with God. In that place of intimacy, God reveals to us the hidden mysteries of bondage and imparts power to us to overcome sin. I already have experienced this. I just need to strengthen it and choose to love Jesus more. In God's perfect time, I will become the man that He wanted me to be in the name of Jesus.

God is a God of second chances. 2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9.

Video Testimony

Last week I had a shoot for my video testimony. The youth Pastor who happens to be my friend was the one who did the shoot as well as the editing.

When we're done, it was inordinately long for me to be mitigated to less than 10 minutes. Virtually, it was my entire life story.

The video was shown last Sunday, Palm Sunday to be exact, to the whole congregation but I believe 10-20 percent of the total members were not there. It was my first time to go on public sharing my whole life on a video! I have disclosed my past, my SSA struggle and HIV status to my church! But the best part of it I infer was that, they can see how God is working in my life and gradually transforming me to become the man He desired me to be!

After the video, I was called by our Pastor in front to say something and I have uttered a little prayer for me and for the church with thanksgiving to God the Father. It was my way of giving back the honor, praises and glory to my Creator.

A lot of people were blessed and some of them have approached me after the service which helped to obliterate the edginess I felt prior to and after showing the video.

The enemy (Satan) is absolutely not happy with what I have done. Consequently I pray that the Lord will strengthen me to stand firm in Him and willfully be able to say NO to ungodliness all the time.

Honestly, I was bombarded with temptations the following day! Thank God that He gave me the grace and the will to act and say no to them (Phil. 2:13). It was arduous though I must admit but I am glad I did! Truly His grace is sufficient and is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

I just hope and pray also that those people who have watched and listened to my video testimony were inspired with the HOPE I have shown in JESUS! After all, it was a message from the "Man of Hope".