For the past seventeen months, I never had an actual sexual encounter because I have made a promise to God that I will try my best not to indulge myself into it.
Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.
What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.
I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.
After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.
I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.
To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Cebu Trip Part 2
I have spent the past nine days in Cebu for the training of facilitators batch two for Channels of Hope or COH. This time together with other facilitators from the first batch, I acted as a co-trainer under the mentorship of Christo Greyling.
The training was successful and we had a great time working all together. My foster mother from Palawan and I were re-united for she was one of the participants as well as my own doctor. We were also able to spend some time together.
I left the city with a heavy heart. Somehow I was attached to this guy from the hotel that I am attracted to and when I showed special attention to him and he did not respond, I must admit my pride and feelings was hurt. This was what I got from doing stupid things like that. I know I should have not done that in the first place. What triggered me to do that was because he was nice to me and I like him. Not only that I have sinned but it also made me feel bad after doing such. I felt so cheap that time that's why I did not even say goodbye to him nor smile at him on my last day there. Yes I cried upon leaving for it's like another death to my own self. Nonetheless, it was over and I am alright now. It's just one of my dumbness when it comes to my SSA struggle. Oh Lord, how long will it take for me to bear things like this?
On the brighter side, I was able to get to ride finally on the world's first edge coaster and have seen the beauty of Cebu city! Next visit probably I will do the sky walk.
It was a memorable trip indeed for I not only enjoyed it but also got the realization that I must really stop acting on my desires for men even in small ways which I think harmless initially. I must stop and focus on Jesus more.
The training was successful and we had a great time working all together. My foster mother from Palawan and I were re-united for she was one of the participants as well as my own doctor. We were also able to spend some time together.
I left the city with a heavy heart. Somehow I was attached to this guy from the hotel that I am attracted to and when I showed special attention to him and he did not respond, I must admit my pride and feelings was hurt. This was what I got from doing stupid things like that. I know I should have not done that in the first place. What triggered me to do that was because he was nice to me and I like him. Not only that I have sinned but it also made me feel bad after doing such. I felt so cheap that time that's why I did not even say goodbye to him nor smile at him on my last day there. Yes I cried upon leaving for it's like another death to my own self. Nonetheless, it was over and I am alright now. It's just one of my dumbness when it comes to my SSA struggle. Oh Lord, how long will it take for me to bear things like this?
On the brighter side, I was able to get to ride finally on the world's first edge coaster and have seen the beauty of Cebu city! Next visit probably I will do the sky walk.
It was a memorable trip indeed for I not only enjoyed it but also got the realization that I must really stop acting on my desires for men even in small ways which I think harmless initially. I must stop and focus on Jesus more.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Beautiful Soul
I am almost done reading "The Life God Blesses" by Gordon MacDonald, only few chapters left. There are three subjects from this book which I think every Christian must know. The first one is the questions guide to have a beautiful soul.
1. Who am I really trying to please?
2. What needs am I trying to meet? What insecurities am I pampering? And what feelings am I storing up?
3. With whom/what am I competing?
4. What rewards am I seeking?
5. What guilt or shame might I be covering?
These five questions must be answered every time we make choices or decisions or about to do something in our Christian life. It was austerely and yet meticulously answered in the book so I suggest you grab a copy. I'm not done yet reading like I have said but in my opinion this is one of the best books that everyone must read to have a life God will truly blesses! I will share the other two very important subjects on my next posts.
1. Who am I really trying to please?
2. What needs am I trying to meet? What insecurities am I pampering? And what feelings am I storing up?
3. With whom/what am I competing?
4. What rewards am I seeking?
5. What guilt or shame might I be covering?
These five questions must be answered every time we make choices or decisions or about to do something in our Christian life. It was austerely and yet meticulously answered in the book so I suggest you grab a copy. I'm not done yet reading like I have said but in my opinion this is one of the best books that everyone must read to have a life God will truly blesses! I will share the other two very important subjects on my next posts.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Latest COH Workshop
This is my eleventh COH workshop to facilitate and fourth as a lead. The recently held seminar last week was intended for the staff of the organization I am working for. Unfortunately, there were only 9 staff attended and the rest were from church partners.
"It challenged my views and has opened up my heart and mind to the reality of HIV and AIDS. I will definitely share it to my family and friends and encourage other office staff to attend this seminar. All Christians must be educated and get involved in this issue and be a channel of hope!"
The above statement is just one of the many positive feedback and comments of more than twenty participants. What a blessing from the Heavenly Father! He's truly faithful and good all the time. Seeing the transformation of the people after acquiring knowledge and learning from the workshop really puts me in a blissful moment especially when they commit and try to do something to be a channel of hope!
I really love telling my story because it is simply a story of God's grace. People has been touched and realized that all of us are living in the realm of God's grace and mercy. Continuously, I also learn something from them and every workshop were different from each other. God is moving people differently through this ministry.
I pray that the Lord will continue to use me for the advancement of his kingdom and help me to use the full potential of the gifts He had given me. I cannot do this without Jesus so I give back all praise and glory to Him. Amen.
"It challenged my views and has opened up my heart and mind to the reality of HIV and AIDS. I will definitely share it to my family and friends and encourage other office staff to attend this seminar. All Christians must be educated and get involved in this issue and be a channel of hope!"
The above statement is just one of the many positive feedback and comments of more than twenty participants. What a blessing from the Heavenly Father! He's truly faithful and good all the time. Seeing the transformation of the people after acquiring knowledge and learning from the workshop really puts me in a blissful moment especially when they commit and try to do something to be a channel of hope!
I really love telling my story because it is simply a story of God's grace. People has been touched and realized that all of us are living in the realm of God's grace and mercy. Continuously, I also learn something from them and every workshop were different from each other. God is moving people differently through this ministry.
I pray that the Lord will continue to use me for the advancement of his kingdom and help me to use the full potential of the gifts He had given me. I cannot do this without Jesus so I give back all praise and glory to Him. Amen.
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