D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Friday, August 21, 2009

Cebu Trip Part 2

I have spent the past nine days in Cebu for the training of facilitators batch two for Channels of Hope or COH. This time together with other facilitators from the first batch, I acted as a co-trainer under the mentorship of Christo Greyling.

The training was successful and we had a great time working all together. My foster mother from Palawan and I were re-united for she was one of the participants as well as my own doctor. We were also able to spend some time together.

I left the city with a heavy heart. Somehow I was attached to this guy from the hotel that I am attracted to and when I showed special attention to him and he did not respond, I must admit my pride and feelings was hurt. This was what I got from doing stupid things like that. I know I should have not done that in the first place. What triggered me to do that was because he was nice to me and I like him. Not only that I have sinned but it also made me feel bad after doing such. I felt so cheap that time that's why I did not even say goodbye to him nor smile at him on my last day there. Yes I cried upon leaving for it's like another death to my own self. Nonetheless, it was over and I am alright now. It's just one of my dumbness when it comes to my SSA struggle. Oh Lord, how long will it take for me to bear things like this?

On the brighter side, I was able to get to ride finally on the world's first edge coaster and have seen the beauty of Cebu city! Next visit probably I will do the sky walk.

It was a memorable trip indeed for I not only enjoyed it but also got the realization that I must really stop acting on my desires for men even in small ways which I think harmless initially. I must stop and focus on Jesus more.

4 comments:

stanw said...

Dear friend,

You are not alone in getting feelings for a guy and carrying it farther than you thought. We are certainly visual and get caught up with looks and actions of another guy and something inside hopes for a connection. Yes, and I have reacted the same way as you when somehow they do not respond, perhaps he felt a connection and didn't know what to do. You are a sensitive guy, just realize that in many ways it is a gift and you can make the decision to carry on and use it as a caution next time.

God bless your day. You are a blessing.

Stan

E L R o i said...

Dear Stanw,

Thanks for this comforting message I really appreciate it for it really helps. I wish people like you are just here beside me who understands fully and can relate to what I am going through. Anyway, I am ok now and thanks for the prayers brother. God bless you always. You're a blessing too.

Dr. El Roi

Jay said...

Just talk to straight friends about how they handle lust for women. We really aren't that different from them, we're just attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite sex.

It's not wrong to say that a guy is attractive. God created people and we are beautiful. It's not wrong to treat attractive people kindly. We just have to be aware of our motivations and why we are treating them kindly. Don't beat yourself up. Just because you're SSA doesn't make you any more broken than a heterosexual guy. And like a heterosexual guy, you (and I) will likely be dealing with these feelings our entire lives.

But that's okay. We're meant to suffer and go through trials, because they glorify God. We're all in this together. God bless!

E L R o i said...

Thanks Jay I really appreciate the comments and words of encouragement from you. I agree definitely to what you said here so thanks for the affirmation. We're all in this together. God bless my brother and you also take care.