For the past seventeen months, I never had an actual sexual encounter because I have made a promise to God that I will try my best not to indulge myself into it.
Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.
What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.
I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.
After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.
I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.
To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.