D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Friday, August 28, 2009

A Broken Vow?

For the past seventeen months, I never had an actual sexual encounter because I have made a promise to God that I will try my best not to indulge myself into it.

Alright, I hugged and kissed a few guys I am attracted with in the past several months to be honest and that's the worst thing I ever did; of course aside from lustful thoughts and flashbacks sometimes or every now and then. Usually I feel like the need to be with someone when I am physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Oh yes it is lesser evil and I am well aware that there's no such thing for God simply because a sin is a sin to Him no matter how big or small it is with regards to human standard.

What I did last night was pretty similar to I have mentioned above. I french kissed a guy and we hugged only this time, when I allowed him to caress my upper body parts (sorry I was carried away) I came inadvertently and unexpectedly! Ok, he did not touch me there neither did I on his and it just happened! For the first time I had a release after seventeen months and probably that's the reason why I have failed to control it! I never even had a wet dream as a natural way of releasing it.

I felt guilty of course but what's bothering me is that I have noticed that the conviction was not that strong. It's a little weird though. In fact after that stupid incident, I prayed and asked for His forgiveness. For the past weeks, I have been reading books about whom and how God truly is with the bible. The bible and authors of these books are constantly saying that first we need to correct our perspective of God; who He really is and how God chose to love us in spite of our sinful nature. Could this be the reason why my conviction is not that strong? Probably, but I do not want to think about it. All I know is that I have sinned and I really feel sorry for what I've done.

After that prayer, in some way God has given me an affirmation and confirmation that He still loves me. His burning passion to pursue me and love me has not changed a bit. For some reason, I strongly believe that this thought came from Him.

I just hope and pray that I won't allow myself to do such things again and be wiser to seriously pursue holiness and purity as what in Ephesians 5:3 say that there must not be any hint of sexual immorality. I still love Jesus. I still want to pursue intimacy with Him. I still want to know Him more and more each day. I still want to be obedient while waiting for Him.

To those who are praying for me and following my journey with the Lord Jesus Christ through this blog, I am sorry. Please forgive me too.

7 comments:

Jay said...

I will certainly pray for you. My question is how are you in situations where this kind of thing happens? Around here, I would only be able to French kiss a guy I was dating in a romantic relationship, and even though I have gay friends, I make it clear to them that we won't have any kind of romance between us. For one, I wouldn't want to play with their emotions and have them fall in love with me when I could never be with them long-term. Secondly, not dating them keeps me safe.

So I would just advise you to be careful around gay friends and not put yourself in situations where you even have the chance to kiss. That's my main piece of advice. Stay strong in Christ. He has already forgiven you.

Courage Philippines said...

Hi Elroi,

We do fall sometimes inspite of our best efforts not to. It's a combination of multiple factors going against you - too much stress, boredom, loneliness, increased sexual libido, etc. The "enemy" indeed does not sleep. He is always on the lookout when we are most vulnerable and then he launches his attack.

It is also common that when we are at our weakest we tend to isolate ourselves and forget about our accountability partners. Funny but it's when after things are over that we call them up and ask for their help. Oh, it's all too familiar!

Be strong bro. God still loves you and He sees your genuine effort to follow Him.

God bless.

E L R o i said...

Thank you Jay. With regards to your question, I tend to be unwary and unguarded whenever I am emotionally, spiritually(with the battle)and physically tired that this need to be hugged and be with someone arises like what Courage has mentioned on his comment. By the way thank you Courage for understanding I really appreciate it.

Like I said, I have dusted my self off and continue walking with Him and yes I will try to follow your advises guys and be strong and very wary at the same time. God bless!

stanw said...

Your blog addressed how God sees you. Just yesterday I knew God said that no matter how I weaken and slip up He will never leave me, I am His. Yes, I see my experience in how you described yours. Get to thinking what I am missing, increased sexual libido as mentioned, loneliness, etc. and soon the mind and body respond as in the past. Our feelings after falling can vary so much and are not accurate most of the time. Just to know that God is not mad at us and He just desires us to seek Him, get up and trust Him. You are in my prayers.

E L R o i said...

Stanw, thanks a lot for this affirmation and I will remember you in my prayers as well. I am just so glad that there people like you out there who can understand or relate to what I am going through. It's good to think that I am not alone and people like you are simply God's manifestations how he love and take care His children like what He said in Psalm 91. I love that verse. God bless my dear brother in Christ.

Kevin in Manila said...

I haven't visited your blog in a while. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you today.

E L R o i said...

Thanks Kuya Kevin, I really appreciate it. God bless!