D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Friday, August 3, 2012

God is Always Present

A thousand times I have failed and sinned, and still God's mercy remains.


It's been a long while since I have posted and confessed directly about the same-sex struggle that I have as my daily cross to follow Jesus. Well honestly, it's been quite a while too that I am doing good, victorious and able to bounce back immediately when I stumble and fall. So generally it was virtually smooth journey until last week.


God truly never leave us nor forsake even in the midst of sinning. On my way home I met this guy because obviously were both attracted to each other and we both want to do it. In my ambivalence (because I was struggling inside) we had a conversation that gave me an impression that he's a good a person. Eventually after almost an hour of fighting with myself in ambivalence I gave in stupidly.


After we did it (with guilt of course), it seems he transformed into somebody. I won't go into details but to cut the story short he asked for some money and all possible things he can get from me as a "collateral" to make sure that I will see him again and it's not just sex. He was able to manipulate and threatened me so suffice to say, he took away some of my money and my not yet fully paid postpaid mobile phone with him.


I was very scared because he wants to rummage inside my bag and I have some cash and US dollars not to mention my month old MacBook Pro! Inside I was desperately praying and asking God for help to spare all these and my life as well and He did. The psychotic guy, without peeking in my bag, and I parted ways peacefully while thanking and praising God that nothing bad happened to me and went home with all my things intact except the phone and a few cash.


It's painful after not only because of what happened but also because I know I have sinned against God.  But the most important thing is God allowed me to see first His goodness and faithfulness for protecting me; secondly, a warning from Him that I really need to take care of my testimony and take seriously my walk with Jesus. Lastly, by His grace He let me draw even closer to Him and now I am praying and asking the Lord that this will be the turning point of my life when it comes to this struggle, that God will turn this into a breakthrough.


If someone would ask why did I do it, I can't give an exact answer because honestly I am still analyzing myself. Some of my friends told me that God has His ways of teaching us a lesson if we will keep drawing closer to Him no matter what and see it through His lens. God's presence is everywhere if we will acknowledge Him. His grace and mercy still remains, a thousand times we fail.


Please continue to hold me in prayers my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. I am very back on my feet now and continuously letting God to fight this battle for me.

5 comments:

Victor Lim said...

i am still very intrigued by you...the works...the words...and living with hiv!

stanw said...

My heart cried when I read this because I can recall a few times when I escaped similar situations (one guy actually stole my whole wallet, he must have felt guilty later because it was returned to me by mail and nothing was missing). They are not good memories but sure help me to know I will never go back to the life I lived. God is so good to us in that he never leaves us but is there to pick us up when we run to him. Such mercy and grace we receive, even on a daily basis. My prayers are with you, my dear friend, stay strong in the power of His might.

E L R o i said...

Thanks Victor for visiting my blog....there's nothing to be intrigued about honestly. I am just like any ordinary guy trying to live my life on its full potential.

Hey Stan...really appreciate your empathy so thanks a lot as well as the prayers. I still have decided to post this even this was totally humiliating but I guess people need to know that each and everyday is a battle and we are always not that strong. The most important is how we see things like this and what God is teaching us. I am just hoping and praying that this will definitely become a breakthrough for me! Blessings to you my dear brother. :)

stanw said...

Breakthroughs are important, I had one this morning. I got rid of many things on my computer that were hindering rather than helping and were actually triggers (temptations) to go in the wrong direction. God calls us to be pure before him, such need his help I admit.
Rest and abide in the Lord, cheering for you.

E L R o i said...

Wow Stan! Congratulations and praise the Lord! I know hard it is to let go of things but when we did...its miracle! God is truly gracious! You are always in my prayers....blessings my dear brother! I am praying too that God will allow us to meet someday :)