When God Speaks and Calls Me to Obey

The Lord never fails me whenever I ask Him to either just simply let me feel His presence strongly or speak to me very clearly whether with specific words or simply about anything just to hear from Him that He's there for me always in times of struggles, joy, and loneliness. Romans 8:28 was brought to me in a different level with a reason that I still do not know yet but that's okay for it is an opportunity to trust Him more! And then I thought God was done with me speaking through this service message last Sunday but I was wrong.

After church, I paid a visit to my couple friend just to use their WiFi and have a chat with them but the Lord has a different plan. Well, I was able to use the Internet and saw this on a status from a Facebook friend. "If You Continue To Do What You Always Done, Then You Will Continue To Be Who You Have Always Been! Nothing Changes Until You Make It Change!" I just read it in a passing manner and liked it then moved on scrolling down. After surfing the net and done with the emails, the wife and I talked with the permission of her husband, just the two of us, regarding her very personal problem. At the end of the counseling, not as a counselor but as a friend, I was glad that it truly helped her and I felt the Lord’s Spirit leading me all through out the conversation. Also I realized, I do really enjoy listening to people and be an agent of change! So I left their home feeling happy, to have dinner with another good friend. It was a long waiting invitation and finally it happened.

Over dinner as I was sharing with him my financial dilemma for this coming semester and decisions I have to make...he told me something that was exactly has the same meaning with the FB status I just read! Although my heart was a bit resistant because I know what is this “new thing” I have to do to make a change - only I really do not want to do it.... suddenly I was reminded by this status. I guess the Lord is truly serious to test my faith and obedience this time on the financial aspect of this life and I really need to pass this test. My heart skipped as he talked about this because this “new thing” I was referring to was actually the suggestion of my Pastor when we had our talk several months ago, which is to send letters to people asking for financial support so I can finish my graduate studies without struggling much with money. This is something, knowing my capability to make money on my own, that I do not want to do. In short, it is more of a pride and self-dependence or self-sufficiency on my part, which is the kind of autonomy that God does not want for us wherein we always fail. God’s message is clear; He wants me to trust in Him – fully – with my finances as I finish my master’s degree.

God has called me for His purpose and I love Jesus. Hence, all things will work all together for good. I just need to act on and increase my faith in Him through obedience. I have got to do something new to make changes, big change actually to take place. Oh dear Lord, please give me the courage, wisdom and strength to do what I have to do.

It was indeed a super blessed Sunday! Lord you are truly good! Thank you Lord for giving me a gift of discernment, a listening and more sensitive heart. 

First Time as a Sunday Preacher, School Stuff, and Health Update

Whew! It has been a couple of months since the last time I posted an entry here. The truth is, this semester’s courses have used up most of my time. Lots of readings and papers are normal I guess for graduate school students but what really stressed me out and stretched me out a little bit more was the comprehensive exam.

Oh yes, I simply cannot believe I came nearly this close to finishing my masters in Pastoral Counseling and it will be earlier than I have set and expected when God brought me in the Bible school two years ago! The exam was held more than three weeks ago and a couple of weeks prior to that were spent reading and studying the eight major counseling courses. With the help of classmates and prayers, I thank God for the wisdom, strength, grace and the opportunity to appreciate more the ministry of helping people through counseling by allowing us to understand more and integrate the skills, theories, techniques and knowledge combined with the personal gifts He has given us, which all helped us to get through and successfully pass this test. And I was so happy to get a high grade for this! It was the grade I aimed and prayed for so thank you Lord Jesus! The hard work of studying and praying truly has paid off.

Another surprising thing that happened just recently was when I have my first experience to deliver God’s message in a Sunday! Two weeks ago I have accepted an invitation from a good friend with the usual mindset each time I receive a request to speak. I thought I said yes to an ordinary gathering in this church just to share God’s goodness and faithfulness into my life but I was astonished to find out few minutes before the event that I will be the main speaker of their evening Sunday service! The challenge came when I realized it was a liturgically formal kind of service and I did not dress up for the occasion! But that did not matter at all for people were so blessed and the elder of the church affirmed it. The service has finished and I still can’t believe that I just have my first experience as a Preacher on a Sunday service! I have enjoyed and kind of like it to my surprise. God got me there!

But somehow it was not all good things. If you can remember, early this year I have posted about a certain author quoted by my professor in this class on homosexuality and sexual ethics in the Bible that has disturbed and got me confused (Blog entry March 26, 2013). Well unfortunately, I have encountered it again this semester with another professor and astoundingly, it has the same impact on me. I have struggled again honestly but this time at least I was able to converse with this teacher, which actually resulted to a term paper that I have finished and submitted just last week. It led me to look deeper with the passages and came up with an honest self-narrative account on how God has really spoken to me and where He called me. I just hope and pray that it will not only get a high grade but whoever who will read it will be blessed too.

Semester break has just begun but I have three more requirements to finish including the real work with my internship. I only have 12 units remaining to graduate but I am still praying for God’s clear direction this coming semester for my savings are not enough to carry me through till the end of the program. My finances are telling me to work again and still unsure where. God wants me to finish my studies as a full time student according to our last conversation and I do not know yet if He wants me to test my faith and depend fully on Him financially until this time. Of course I have got something that I have been and keep on praying for so please do pray for me as well.

As for my health, I have not got sick for quite some time now and I continue to pray that the Lord will keep me healthy and maintain my CD4 count normal and viral load undetectable, and free me from any illnesses or infections. My last CD4 count was last year for I am waiting until this time to have this test for free again through my Philhealth package. It is really a bit tough when you are financially challenged and there are regular laboratory tests that you need to do. But I know God will provide for He is Jehovah Jireh! God bless you all.

Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

John Piper and Justin Taylor are the general editors of this wonderful book, which is mostly a collection of now polished talks given at a certain conference by the other six contributors including Joni Eareckson Tada. I got this as a token from Logos Hope through my German brother in Christ and good friend when he invited me a couple of months back as one of the speakers in the CoH workshop. And I was so glad to have and read this book for it gave me a better and brighter view on suffering and God’s sovereignty not to mention that He has spoken to me through some few chapters, which truly touched my heart and brought me to tears, and led me to really pray. I am beginning to be convinced that book is the Lord’s favorite means when He wants to speak to me personally.

Whenever something terrible happens to us, more often than not, we ask ourselves or God Himself the question, “why me?”  Well, I asked this question when I got infected with HIV and when I became a Christian, I asked the same question with my homosexual struggles. Why not ask the other way around like, “why not me?” Surely, nothing bad or evil can come from God but He can ordain or allow it to happen like what happened to Job. Somehow I am already aware of this fact but it was strengthen more by this book and see pains, suffering, sickness, poverty, child abuse of all forms and other difficulties in this world a new light. For obvious reason in my case, I got to know the Lord Jesus Christ through HIV but the tussle really came when I struggled about calling it a blessing or a gift so allow me to share some of the important knowledge I have learned from Piper and his colleagues.

In my five years and six months journey with Jesus, He has shown me God’s sovereignty on everything as in ALL things in this world including ALL the good and the bad things for such work altogether for good to those who believes in Him (Rom. 8:28). C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Clearly in my deafness, God used HIV to call me for His kingdom.

The reality and depth of pain are in the Bible but also we can find in it, hope, hope for the pain and suffering. Most importantly, we are all able to get through all these pain and hardships by and through the amazing grace of God. His grace is abounding and overflowing not during the good times but during suffering, pain and struggles. In my case, Lord’s grace is overflowing each time I fall and be able to get down on my knees, pray and ask for forgiveness and strength. God can raise us out of our hopelessness and meet suffering in His terms in the same way we can meet joy in His terms and not ours so that we can pass hope on to others like what I do in “channels of hope” ministry. Why? All these, HIV&AIDS, homosexual or SSA struggle, all other sins such as pride, selfishness, disobedience, hardships, calamities, sickness, and all the evil things in this world whether it is caused by our own sinfulness or it just happened despite of our obedience to Him, had happened so that you and I would rely not on (myself) but on God who raises the dead (2 Cor. 1:9).

Piper talked about not wasting a cancer for that was the suffering he experienced so I replaced this with HIV and homosexual struggle as I read it. I believe that God can heal me physically, by medicine or miracle, as well as my sexual brokenness so it is right to pray for both healing. HIV&AIDS is not wasted when God heals it for He gets the glory, that’s why HIV&AIDS exists. If not healed, God still gets the glory if we will only cling on to Him because by His grace He will sustain us.

HIV and SSA sharpen my awareness of how thoroughly God has already and always been at work in every detail of my life. If you are following this blog, you are a witness of this. In the testing ground of evils, our faith becomes deep and real, and our love becomes purposeful and wise (Powlison).

Satan designs to kill and destroy us, and our love for Christ but God designs to deepen our love for Christ. HIV&AIDS does not win if I die; it wins if I fail to cherish Christ. Satan meant it for evil but God meant it for good (Gen. 50:20, Piper). A great, life-threatening illness like HIV or life-threatening weakness can prove amazingly freeing. Nothing is left for me to do except to be loved by God and others, and to love God and others (Powlison).

My HIV is not a waste for I believe it was designed (or ordained) for me and led me to seek comfort from God, think about death, cherish Christ and deepen my relationship with Jesus, treat sin like never before, have hope, and use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ. Finally, therefore, I have fully accepted that HIV may seem to be a curse at first but now that God has turned it into a blessing, I am now okay to call it a gift. The blessing comes in what God does for us, with us, and through us. He brings His great and merciful redemption onto the stage of the curse (Powlison) like what He has done to me. I made my greatest advances in holiness on the hardest days of my life. It brings me to His presence, not to be sinless but to sin less, which makes suffering (like my SSA, sexual and other struggles in life) meant to wean me from sin and strengthen my faith. This thought made me most satisfied in Him where He is most glorified as Taylor said.

I was so blessed by Piper’s conclusion for it was my sentiment so allow me to end this entry with that.

“God, if you love your glory infinitely and you are more glorified in me when I am more satisfied in you, and my sin is being manifest by the slowness of my being satisfied in you totally, then it must be that the struggle that I am having with my own sin will somehow in someway cause me to be more satisfied in you. Someday, I’ll look back on my own sin when I’m in heaven and say, ‘How could such grace have carried on with me?’ and I’ll love His grace more than I ever would have, had I made progress more quickly.”

That’s terribly dangerous to say for it might lead us to sin more but the Bible has warned us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect. And everyday that we fail, be in our face giving thanks to the cross of Christ.

If someone will ask, “Why there are so much suffering and why the process of sanctification so slow?” It is because we (and the whole world) are so evil but God is sovereign. He can do whatever He wants for His glory for He is God.

If you want more, get and read this book and be blessed. Shalom!

Channels of Hope in Cebu & School Life

Last week of June together with other two friends and facilitators, I led the two-day CoH workshop in Cebu City for the group of partners of the NGO I used to work with.

Like virtually all the past workshops the Lord has done through us, participants were all very blessed and encouraged to become a part of this advocacy at the end of the day. New people were met and new friendships were built especially with the two of the 35 plus attendees. One called me a son and she was exhilarated and so blessed by the courage and boldness that God has given me and shown to them while the other was truly touched by my honesty, being true to myself as an HIV+ individual struggling with homosexuality. He even said that he have never seen a “real” person down to his core before me. Above all, the event has reminded these people that God is in control of everything for His glory and honor.

Like my prayer each time I have an opportunity like this, which is to testify to the gospel of God’s grace, God’s name was praised and glorified at the end of the day and that is the most important of all.

Looks like this semester will be quite as busy as the previous one after almost a month has passed since the first school day. Reading assignments in my Theology class, which I honestly have found hard to comprehend, are beginning to file up while project and other requirements on my other subjects are also starting to eat most of my time however, I still finds joy in doing most of these. Still worried or doubtful sometimes I must admit regarding my financial status especially after this semester. But somehow have peace most of the time as I pray and remind myself to trust Him more that the Lord has something, like a surprise, for me soon.

Love and peace of God goes to all the visitors and readers, especially those who are touched and blessed by the story that He is writing on my life. Thank you and praise Lord and shalom to everyone!

NB: The picture shows the nine guiding biblical principles of Channels of Hope program.

CoH HIV@Logos Hope, My Plan and God’s Plan

The situation I have envisaged a year ago, as I left my work when the contract ended and went on studying full time, did not happen. I was expecting to have a work, praying and hoping it will be the same job or something close to it, this time around of the year and go back as a part time student towards finishing my Masters Degree in Pastoral Counseling. That was my plan but obviously it seems to me now God has His plans too.

Last week, I did the HIV&AIDS Churches Channels of Hope or CoH workshop with a German brother and others at the Logos Hope ship (the sailing book fair) that was docked at the port of San Fernando, La Union. I have to admit that at first, I did not like to go simply because of the 6-7 hours bus travel from Manila not to mention my unwillingness (or selfishness) to spend for this trip.  But God has reminded me of my calling that I asked for when I was still beginning my new life in Jesus so out of obedience and love for Him, I have decided to go there (and He provided financially for this trip). God truly knows us more than we do with ourselves. Doing this ministry for over five years now, I have become familiar already of what is going to happen but with this one, He has more! Aside from the fact that these participants from different churches and sectors in town were one of the most open and very responsive group of people based on my experience, I have enjoyed a great fellowship with my newly found friend and a brother in Christ from Germany! He heard for the first time my SSA or homosexual struggle when I shared my testimony and so the other missionaries in the ship. Praise the Lord they were all blessed! My fellowship with him as we talked and shared personal stuff, struggles, among other things, he saw me beyond my struggles and have treated me like just a normal guy! God knows I need more friends like him who will bring out the “inner man” in me. This was more than enough worth of the long travel and I was very glad and grateful I went there. God has His and higher ways.

After that wonderful experience, I have to face the reality that this week is enrollment and unsure which of and how many subjects I am going to register for the reason that I have no job yet and has lesser financial account that may or may not last for this semester. This whole situation, which is much better compared to thousands or millions of situation of other people globally, left me a feeling of uncertainty and doubt. I realized that I am in this scenario again that is similar before I got the CoH work through this international NGO. The big difference this time are, I am studying and I have utility bills, rent, and other needs to pay as a single man living alone in the city away from my family. Even though I have no job before, I do not have these responsibilities for I was living with my parents but it was the time too, that God humbled me through accepting help especially finances from Him through His people in the church.

But this was not my plan like I have said a year ago. My heart was expectant that I will get a job (same or close to my previous work) by June and continues studying on a part time basis. There were job opportunities that came but my heart was not at peace as I have contemplated applying for these jobs. I can no longer get a job for the sake of earning. Practically and technically, I could easily find and get a job easily with my qualifications just to be honest but I guess it does not have to be my way but God’s way. The ministry work I got for two years before, I remembered, was God’s appointment. He just led me to it and got invited to apply and this should be the case (or at least close to this way) also this time. Through a conversation with one of my best friends over the phone, I felt that God has started to speak to me as she was sharing her new direction in life. Normally I interrupt her whenever I have something to comment but this time, I have listened the whole time! When we finished talking, obviously it seems to me that God just simply wants me to focus on my studies and ministries in the meantime and wait! But until when? I have no idea. Honestly, I am not used to this…with no enough money to hold on and regularly coming in. Then I recalled one my prayers and that is God to teach me to increase my faith and trust in Him. In this sure uncertainty, I have prayed (still praying) and received the following words from Him (I believe).

“I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut. I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.”(Revelation 3:8, ESV) 

“Let go of your own agenda and trust God, He’ll make sure you see those open doors. Surrender all to Him. Have His way in your life and trust His timing. Then, step back and see the open door He has prepared for you! Trust Him to do it His way for He will order and direct your steps. Believe that He has the best interest at your heart.” I have to be ready and available. I have to stand looking for the open door He has for me.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”(Isaiah 55:8, ESV)

“Surrender your plans to Him today. Put your faith and trust in Him. Let Him direct your steps because His ways are higher, and He knows how to lead you into the life of blessing He has for you. His thoughts are better, and His plan is what will remain.” I have to surrender my will and my ideas and receive the direction He has for me.

“Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah: ‘Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.’ ” (1 Kings 17:2–4, NIV)

“God is directing you too like Elijah. He’s aligning the right opportunities for you and causing the right people to come along your path to help you get ahead. Keep your heart in the right place by following His Word. That means living in peace and unity. The Bible says that when we live in unity with other believers, there He has commanded the blessing. And when your heart is in the place of blessing, the rest of your life will be in the place of blessing, too! Come to Him with a grateful heart. He is leading you and directing your steps.” I have to see others the way God see them so I can honor Him and live in unity all the days of my life.

I got these words in two days late last week through a devotional message I regularly received via email. But I know in my heart and in my spirit when God is speaking through a certain medium like books, of course the Bible, and people or email for I have experienced and proven this many times. The human in me gets in the way always and still I have some doubts so I asked for more confirmation from God. And He never fails. After the Sunday service, somebody approached and gave me money for God said so and she was just obeying! Believe me, I got nervous and have wanted to cry for I remembered the confirmation I am praying for! Last week I was a bit depressed and truly doubting but after this I felt some excitement for I know God will never ever leave me! But then again, I must admit I still have some doubts in my heart and so I am still praying for His confirmation starting last Sunday until the enrollment day comes… a confirmation to continue studying and work later, wait for the open door, let go of my plans and thoughts, let Him direct my steps, and live in unity and peace.

Yesterday, I also received a confirmation, my "surrogate" mother bought me dinner and the Lord said in another email devotion, "remain confident and see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." (Psalm 27:13) Please pray with me my dear brothers and sisters, thanks and blessings. Shalom!

CDO 2013 Hope Workshop & Adventure

If my memory served me right, last week was my third visit to the city of golden friendship Cagayan De Oro City.

For the first time in more than five years of doing this ministry of Channels of Hope, I have shared not just how God brought me back to life through HIV. Also with confidence, courage and conviction, I mentioned the same-sex attraction or SSA that I have and how I am living my Christian life. I guess the Lord has truly released me from shame on this struggle that I do not care anymore what other people would think after hearing who really I am. It is just feels great to be free, be myself and show to people that this is me and God still loves me anyway.

One of my small dreams came true in this trip. I was able to do the wall climbing and I love it! I thought it was not that hard but actually it was that I have failed to finish the last two of the six vertical lanes I need to climb as a beginner for my arm muscles and hands were all in pain after the fourth lane of the wall. So I have decided to stop and not force myself after all, I have enjoyed it already. Perhaps next time when there is another opportunity I might be able to climb them all.

Most of all, the experience doing the workshop again after several months with my best friend in this ministry and other good friends, new friends, the food and the bonding moments, and what God has done to all of us especially to the participants were simply great and wonderful!

What a journey I must say for God was and will always be good so all the thanks and praises to our dear Lord.

Leading With A Limp

In the midst of reading this book by Dan B. Allender, I was struggling really badly with my SSA sexual struggle that I thought of “leaving” and saying goodbye to my Pastor and the church. The reason was, somewhat I came to the point that I can no longer endure being torn apart inside almost all the time between what I want to do but I do not do and what I do not want to do but I do. Struggling with sin, as Paul described in Romans 7 and delineated it as thorn in the flesh, is no longer bearable to me that if God cannot just let me die to stop disgracing and dishonoring His name, might as well sojourn this Christian life and stop struggling. But on the day I was about to do it, I asked God desperately to speak to me of His assurance of His love and mercy. Otherwise, I will continue running away.

God has proven once again His faithfulness and He truly reaches out to us and hears us at desperate times when we honestly ask. The Lord used the story of Peter after His resurrection and the paradox of grace in this book as He spoke to me through these messages. I was weeping the whole time listening and reading from it!

His words to me were simply, to try again for His grace never runs out. That was the challenge, to have more faith and try again because when we fail and sin, believing in God’s grace gives us the opportunity to try again. It is the essence of Jesus’ resurrection, which could mean a new beginning.

As for the book, falling forward is recommended and leading requires a weakness, flaws or struggles like mine to be effective. With the ministry God has entrusted me, which is proclaiming the gospel through what He has done into my life as HIV+ and a Christian struggling with SSA, I influence and lead people. And I cannot afford to be plastic and pretend that I am okay when actually I am not at least to my Pastor and few trusted friends. According to Allender, we need to tell stories about failure and the need for grace. We need to share stories that invite hearer to consider the wild, inverted paradox of grace. Three great paradoxes helped me to be reminded of what living nowadays as a struggling Christian is all about according to him.

We have been saved. We are being saved and one day we will be saved. We commonly refer to this as “being work in progress.” No one is finished, and no one is fully redeemed even though God calls us saints and beloved. We live in a state of the already and not yet. Simply true that I am still a sinner, a chief one, that committing failure and sins are inevitable in this life that is why we should fall forward and need grace.

The call to be strong and tender is the second paradox. Again according to Allender, it is easier to be just one and not the other. True strength must be courageous enough to confess cowardice and tender enough to admit self-absorption. A limping leader must delight in the dignity of those who offer feedback about failure even if they do so in a manner that lacks finesse or wisdom.

Lastly, the ways of being wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove is the paradox that implies that we are to be no less crafty than the serpent and must not be naïve or foolishly innocent. We are meant to be cunning and clever as we invite other to the gospel and at the same time, we are to live with harmless presence of a dove.

All these, which gave me all the reason to stay in Him for what I have been through and still going through, magnifies the value of grace and invites others not to be surprised by my own desperate need of Jesus and the gospel. I might stumble again but will persevere in falling forward because I caught up in the person of Jesus. He is the reason of everything I am. I will continue to believe and hold on to His grace no matter what and model growth to show and point people to Him.

This has become a part of my message when I shared my testimony a couple of days ago before the leaders of this Christian church from all over the country. We are all broken and struggling, as we lead people to Christ, and constantly in need of His amazing grace, mercy and unconditional love.

God bless everyone!