D R . E L R O I

A PERSONAL JOURNAL OF A MAN LIVING WITH HIV

Monday, July 13, 2009

Extreme Ambivalence

It's so funny that I talked about last time about the new desires I have and yet at this point I am in the biggest spiritual battle I am facing ever and I have to make a decision imminently.

I never thought it would be this difficult for me to make the right decision which is to choose Jesus. I feel like I am Achan for I have kept something from my old life and now God has revealed it to me to yield it to him and totally turn my back away from it.

For the past year, I have kept in communication with these two guys with the idea in mind that after a year of my celibacy I would try again to have sex just once. Now that I am beyond that, 16th months of consecration on the 20th of this month to be exact, I do really want to do it. I never mentioned this to anyone until now that I do really want to do it. I told it to my close friends in church and to my friends in the office so that they can pray for me and help me to convince me not to do it.

I know exactly what to do and I do not want to do it. I have to die to this desire once and for all and walk my Christian life straight and there must be no turning back to my old life. My decision could either make me or break me.

As of this posting I am still extremely ambivalent! My God please change my heart and help me to choose YOU! My spirit is willing but my body is weak so help me God. I am literally crying inside and out to God and to my friends, knowing the truth that I have to give them up and choose Jesus. The emotions I am feeling right now is far more painful than what I felt when I found out that I am HIV positive.

May the grace of the Lord be upon me in the name of Jesus. Amen.

3 comments:

Courage Philippines said...

Hi friend!

Keep in touch with your accountability partner and be rigorously honest about your struggle. Prayer helps too.

stanw said...

Hi there,

Your blog today brings up many issues but one important one is that having sex just once more will lead you back to where you were before. Perhaps you have fantasized about having sex with them and that could feed your desire more. I am not preaching because in many ways I too have had the urge and compulsion to do it once more. Thankfully that has not happened because I know myself too well and it'd draw me back big time.

Our memories are very selective when it comes to sexual activity. Most of the time we only remember the 'heart pounding' sexual experiences that were good ones. We/I do that and forget/ignore the ones that left me (and they were more than the good ones) feeling so empty and alone. When I recall those it tells me to run the other direction and fast. At those times I am so prone to do it in my own strength (which I know I don't have) but I know there is only One, Jesus Christ, who has the power to give me strength.

May God give you wisdom and strength right now to leave this dilemma behind. Your emotions may feel painful and I don't doubt they are, I have been there and probably will face them again, but I know you will make it, I just know it.

I love you brother, you are such a valuable friend.

Stan

E L R o i said...

Thanks courage for the encouragement I really appreciate it. I already did and they are all praying for me.

To stanw, thank you also very much for all these words of wisdom for it reminds of everything I need to remember.

Anyway, I have decided not to do it because I love Jesus! But I still need your prayers. Yes I am grieving for it is painful to give them up but it is the right thing to do. Thank you brothers in Christ! and I love you too!