It's so funny that I talked about last time about the new desires I have and yet at this point I am in the biggest spiritual battle I am facing ever and I have to make a decision imminently.
I never thought it would be this difficult for me to make the right decision which is to choose Jesus. I feel like I am Achan for I have kept something from my old life and now God has revealed it to me to yield it to him and totally turn my back away from it.
For the past year, I have kept in communication with these two guys with the idea in mind that after a year of my celibacy I would try again to have sex just once. Now that I am beyond that, 16th months of consecration on the 20th of this month to be exact, I do really want to do it. I never mentioned this to anyone until now that I do really want to do it. I told it to my close friends in church and to my friends in the office so that they can pray for me and help me to convince me not to do it.
I know exactly what to do and I do not want to do it. I have to die to this desire once and for all and walk my Christian life straight and there must be no turning back to my old life. My decision could either make me or break me.
As of this posting I am still extremely ambivalent! My God please change my heart and help me to choose YOU! My spirit is willing but my body is weak so help me God. I am literally crying inside and out to God and to my friends, knowing the truth that I have to give them up and choose Jesus. The emotions I am feeling right now is far more painful than what I felt when I found out that I am HIV positive.
May the grace of the Lord be upon me in the name of Jesus. Amen.