Last Sunday, December 13 marked my second year as a Christian. Reminiscing the past two years of living for the Lord Jesus Christ, I realized that I have been through a lot.
The Lord had given me a ministry on HIV and AIDS which is the "Channels of Hope". He allowed me to speak before the young people in and out of the country. I have learned so many things from my SSA struggle which I am still scuffling with up to present. But most importantly, I have come to know God more through all of these and still in the process of knowing Him deeper and getting more intimate with the Lord Jesus Christ.
It was also a day for water baptism in our church. It's very timely for the celebration of my spiritual birth but I must admit that I was hesitant at first whether I am going to do it or not. I felt that I am not worthy of it because of the recent happenings in my Christian life. But praise the Lord for He made me realize once again who really I am for Him through the words I heard from my close Christian friends. In short, I have decided to be baptized that afternoon praying that God will truly renew my whole being, leaving my old self and living truthfully a new life.
Baptism is an act of obedience. The scripture said that it is dying to old way of living and being resurrected to a new life. When we are baptized we confirm externally that we are the beloved children of God and He takes pleasure in us. In short, it is a public declaration or confession of our faith in Jesus to all including the demons in this world and in the spiritual realm.
Testing of faith will surely come and I pray that God will strengthen me more to choose Him all the time.
By the way, I have made a decision to gradually stopped seeing and talking to this guy I have an ED with as my counselors, friends and Pastor told me. Yes it is quite difficult because of the compassion in my heart I have for him but it is the best for both of us. I will continue to pray for him that he will truly seek God so the change he wants to happen in his life will indubitably take place.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
ED or not ED?
"Let's not continue doing this, it will all over be the same again. It feels good and happy on the first few weeks but will end up sooner or later, with each other being left hurt and heart broken."
These are the words uttered by this guy to my surprise and astonishment in the middle of our cuddling and kissing that day. Oh yes! I almost did it again just the other day. This person is the same guy I have sinned with the third and last time. I met him during the HBC training and we became close friends. He was broken hearted then and need someone to talk to whom he can truly trust. I have offered because honestly, I am attracted to him. I took the chance to know him personally so the mystery of attraction will melt away like what I usually do. Unfortunately this time, it did not work. The more I get to know him, the more I want to be with him that's why since then we became closer. Lord knows I do not want this and I did not expect this to happen.
I have been through with the entire possible struggle that is sex related, from flirting to cruising, masturbation, voyeurism, casual sex and pornography. I never thought that I would have to go through with ED or emotional dependency as well because it is more difficult according to those who have experienced it. I surmise this friendship I have with him can possibly develop into that if I did not put some action plan to stop it. We're both happy when we're together and we miss each other when we're apart.
When I confessed this to one of my pastors and counselors from the church, he said I need to set some boundaries or limitations. Good thing that this friend of mine have made a stand that he don't want me to go back to my old life completely for him; that I am already on the right track of my life and happy with it. He's right with that because from the very beginning I already told him my stand on homosexuality, all the things I have learned why I am trying to live my life away from it and that I am a Christian who is currently going through the process of being change by God.
I think I am falling for him that's why that moment I think I am ready to go with him and backslide. He did not want that but instead, he wants me to fulfill the promises which God has made for me and stick with it.
My counselor advised me that I do not have to evade him completely. Since he made a stand, he believed that I can lead him to Christ only I need to control myself, set limitations and pray for him. I need to follow that because in the first place, the reason why I befriended this guy honestly is to show him that living and suffering for Christ is way much better than living in slavery.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians5:1. Gay lifestyle is living in slavery, sexual addiction, relationships and other habits which make the person more addicted to it, depressed and feeling empty in the end without realizing it.
Thank God that He's truly in control and He's still protecting me despite of my wrong decisions in life. Praise God Almighty!
These are the words uttered by this guy to my surprise and astonishment in the middle of our cuddling and kissing that day. Oh yes! I almost did it again just the other day. This person is the same guy I have sinned with the third and last time. I met him during the HBC training and we became close friends. He was broken hearted then and need someone to talk to whom he can truly trust. I have offered because honestly, I am attracted to him. I took the chance to know him personally so the mystery of attraction will melt away like what I usually do. Unfortunately this time, it did not work. The more I get to know him, the more I want to be with him that's why since then we became closer. Lord knows I do not want this and I did not expect this to happen.
I have been through with the entire possible struggle that is sex related, from flirting to cruising, masturbation, voyeurism, casual sex and pornography. I never thought that I would have to go through with ED or emotional dependency as well because it is more difficult according to those who have experienced it. I surmise this friendship I have with him can possibly develop into that if I did not put some action plan to stop it. We're both happy when we're together and we miss each other when we're apart.
When I confessed this to one of my pastors and counselors from the church, he said I need to set some boundaries or limitations. Good thing that this friend of mine have made a stand that he don't want me to go back to my old life completely for him; that I am already on the right track of my life and happy with it. He's right with that because from the very beginning I already told him my stand on homosexuality, all the things I have learned why I am trying to live my life away from it and that I am a Christian who is currently going through the process of being change by God.
I think I am falling for him that's why that moment I think I am ready to go with him and backslide. He did not want that but instead, he wants me to fulfill the promises which God has made for me and stick with it.
My counselor advised me that I do not have to evade him completely. Since he made a stand, he believed that I can lead him to Christ only I need to control myself, set limitations and pray for him. I need to follow that because in the first place, the reason why I befriended this guy honestly is to show him that living and suffering for Christ is way much better than living in slavery.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians5:1. Gay lifestyle is living in slavery, sexual addiction, relationships and other habits which make the person more addicted to it, depressed and feeling empty in the end without realizing it.
Thank God that He's truly in control and He's still protecting me despite of my wrong decisions in life. Praise God Almighty!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
COH Baguio
The Lord has been very good as for another successful "Channels of Hope" workshop was held last week in Baguio City.
It was a two days training for ADP staff and church partners consist of mostly pastors. There are 106 participants who came from different parts of northern and central Luzon. We have people from as far as Cagayan Valley and Isabela. Since the workshop is designed for a maximum of 30-35 participants, we divided them into three according to the area they are working.
Based on their evaluation and facial expressions, they are all blessed and happy to be a part of it. As for me, if they are blessed I am more blessed! Though the enemy was trying to steal some moment when he made me tripped off the stairs, butt first as I went to the other group to share my testimony! Well he can't stop me; I am alright though it gave me a bruise and now it's colored purple.
My mother and sister went with me to church last Sunday. They met everyone in the church including my adopted mother from Palawan and brother, and of course my Pastor and his wife. They have enjoyed the service and hopefully this will be the start of their journey with Christ.
God truly answers prayers. As a matter of fact, I am about to send my application to this job opening directly related to what I am currently doing for His kingdom. A church friend of mine informed me regarding this job via text message while I was in Baguio, hopefully this is God's answer to my prayer and I claim it in Jesus name.
To God be all the honor and glory! Amen.
It was a two days training for ADP staff and church partners consist of mostly pastors. There are 106 participants who came from different parts of northern and central Luzon. We have people from as far as Cagayan Valley and Isabela. Since the workshop is designed for a maximum of 30-35 participants, we divided them into three according to the area they are working.
Based on their evaluation and facial expressions, they are all blessed and happy to be a part of it. As for me, if they are blessed I am more blessed! Though the enemy was trying to steal some moment when he made me tripped off the stairs, butt first as I went to the other group to share my testimony! Well he can't stop me; I am alright though it gave me a bruise and now it's colored purple.
My mother and sister went with me to church last Sunday. They met everyone in the church including my adopted mother from Palawan and brother, and of course my Pastor and his wife. They have enjoyed the service and hopefully this will be the start of their journey with Christ.
God truly answers prayers. As a matter of fact, I am about to send my application to this job opening directly related to what I am currently doing for His kingdom. A church friend of mine informed me regarding this job via text message while I was in Baguio, hopefully this is God's answer to my prayer and I claim it in Jesus name.
To God be all the honor and glory! Amen.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Series of Poor Judgments
After that wonderful reunion with my friends last week, a series of poor judgments on my part happened. There are some lessons learned even without making mistakes but definitely inevitable for one event.
I have confessed this already to my few church friends including the pastor who disciples me. I became close to this guy I met during the HBC training. He's also HIV positive and he's broken hearted. In short, I became the rescuer of this person which should not have happened. We frequently talk to each other after that training until last Friday; I have spent a night with him at his place supposedly just to talk. We slept in one bed and then you probably know what took place the following morning, which makes him the fourth on the list. I believe I must stop counting because it's not doing me any good.
The poor judgment is when I decided to spend the night and sleep with him. Honestly, I came up with that decision because I myself feeling kind of lonely that time which made me vulnerable enough to loose self control. We should never trust our flesh for it remembers every pleasure we have experienced in the past that we want to forget and that's my mistake. I felt very disappointed and at the same time frustrated.
Confession to BP brothers during the support group last Saturday happened and then on Sunday to my church friends. Second poor judgment is when I still made the decision to meet this guy whom I also met during that training. Well I must admit I am attracted to him, he's the trainer in the session hall next to ours. We had a casual talk and we exchanged numbers. Wait! That's another poor judgment; I should not have done that! Sorry but can't help it.
Anyway, we had a dinner last Sunday with the intention of knowing the person a bit to melt away the mystery of attraction to him. I am quite disappointed for the following reasons. First, he's not the person I thought he was. Secondly, our conversation did not turn out the way I planned it because of how he had expressed himself. Supposedly, I was going to share some part of my life including my health condition but unfortunately it never happened. God has only shown me that there's no Mr. Right Guy to a guy.
The Lord knows in my heart that I am expecting him to come and then I will backslide. It will always be like this so I must stop this illusion and learn my lesson! Though I must say that there's still a physical attraction but I have surrendered it to God praying that it will simply go away. I am not planning neither to get in touch with him nor see him again.
Last poor judgment is when I talked to the guy who flirted with me on my way home that night. Nothing sinful happened but nevertheless I should have never entertained him. I was able to share my Christian life and how I became one and he was able to share his life to. I advised him not to get into a same sex relationship and go back to his wife; yes he's married with two kids.
God has only revealed to me through these events that same sex relationship is really out of his design and I must put an end to all these playing with my boundaries! We prayed for the consecration last Monday at the JREV night and I hope and pray that this will really straighten up my Christian walk for I am so sick and tired of falling into sexual sin over and over again and then asking for forgiveness.
I have no idea what God must be thinking but I still thank Him for His grace and mercy, and unconditional love. I will try harder to obey His teachings and ways according to His words. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray with me. Thank you.
I have confessed this already to my few church friends including the pastor who disciples me. I became close to this guy I met during the HBC training. He's also HIV positive and he's broken hearted. In short, I became the rescuer of this person which should not have happened. We frequently talk to each other after that training until last Friday; I have spent a night with him at his place supposedly just to talk. We slept in one bed and then you probably know what took place the following morning, which makes him the fourth on the list. I believe I must stop counting because it's not doing me any good.
The poor judgment is when I decided to spend the night and sleep with him. Honestly, I came up with that decision because I myself feeling kind of lonely that time which made me vulnerable enough to loose self control. We should never trust our flesh for it remembers every pleasure we have experienced in the past that we want to forget and that's my mistake. I felt very disappointed and at the same time frustrated.
Confession to BP brothers during the support group last Saturday happened and then on Sunday to my church friends. Second poor judgment is when I still made the decision to meet this guy whom I also met during that training. Well I must admit I am attracted to him, he's the trainer in the session hall next to ours. We had a casual talk and we exchanged numbers. Wait! That's another poor judgment; I should not have done that! Sorry but can't help it.
Anyway, we had a dinner last Sunday with the intention of knowing the person a bit to melt away the mystery of attraction to him. I am quite disappointed for the following reasons. First, he's not the person I thought he was. Secondly, our conversation did not turn out the way I planned it because of how he had expressed himself. Supposedly, I was going to share some part of my life including my health condition but unfortunately it never happened. God has only shown me that there's no Mr. Right Guy to a guy.
The Lord knows in my heart that I am expecting him to come and then I will backslide. It will always be like this so I must stop this illusion and learn my lesson! Though I must say that there's still a physical attraction but I have surrendered it to God praying that it will simply go away. I am not planning neither to get in touch with him nor see him again.
Last poor judgment is when I talked to the guy who flirted with me on my way home that night. Nothing sinful happened but nevertheless I should have never entertained him. I was able to share my Christian life and how I became one and he was able to share his life to. I advised him not to get into a same sex relationship and go back to his wife; yes he's married with two kids.
God has only revealed to me through these events that same sex relationship is really out of his design and I must put an end to all these playing with my boundaries! We prayed for the consecration last Monday at the JREV night and I hope and pray that this will really straighten up my Christian walk for I am so sick and tired of falling into sexual sin over and over again and then asking for forgiveness.
I have no idea what God must be thinking but I still thank Him for His grace and mercy, and unconditional love. I will try harder to obey His teachings and ways according to His words. Brothers and sisters in Christ, please pray with me. Thank you.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Gift of Friendship
Last Tuesday my two college friends who work abroad, a local worker college friend and I have met and the four of us ate lunch and shopped together half of the day.
It was a blessed day for me because finally I was able to tell them the truth about me without any fear of losing them. God has shown me once again how blessed I am with friends who are always ready to help and be there when I need them.
In short, the reunion went very well and they have understood and accepted me for what had happened and I have felt that our friendships are meant to last for a lifetime. I know you guys are reading this so let me say a million thanks to you. The Lord blesses you always and you will be in my prayers.
Thank you Lord for the wonderful gift of friends. I just hope and pray that my other old friends who are still clueless to the events of my life will have the same response. God bless you all.
It was a blessed day for me because finally I was able to tell them the truth about me without any fear of losing them. God has shown me once again how blessed I am with friends who are always ready to help and be there when I need them.
In short, the reunion went very well and they have understood and accepted me for what had happened and I have felt that our friendships are meant to last for a lifetime. I know you guys are reading this so let me say a million thanks to you. The Lord blesses you always and you will be in my prayers.
Thank you Lord for the wonderful gift of friends. I just hope and pray that my other old friends who are still clueless to the events of my life will have the same response. God bless you all.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
HBC Training
It was a great week last week for a lot of good things happened to me in spite of being a bummer for almost a month now.
Since I do not have a work, I was able to attend the HBC or Home Based Care Training organized by this NGO for the HIV infected and affected families. Basically it's about taking care of an ill or bed ridden person at home. Information and practical application were shared and demonstrated which made the learning fun and more interesting.
During this event, the Lord did something wonderful. Surprisingly God has allowed me to be a witness to five different persons in just one night! The first person was seeking for answers on how to change and not do the things that brought him the infection.
The second one though did not go well at first. Inadvertently I came across to him in a judgmental and alienating way when we talked about my stand on homosexuality as a Christian. I have learned a lot from this conversation and we parted ways as two mature man.
The third and the fourth person are best of friends. I have met this guy at the mall that night when he smiled at me then we talked and I found out that he used to be a Christian. When I revealed my status to him and to his friend they began to think about their lives now and so grateful that I have shared my life to them. We're good friends now.
God saved the best for last. Before I go to bed that night, I was able to talk to one of my co-trainees. He shared his life and I shared mine and in the end, he accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior!
It was tedious but truly an amazing night! To be used by God to save souls or even just simply plant a mustard seed in an unexpected time and place makes this Christian life even better. Thank you Lord.
Since I do not have a work, I was able to attend the HBC or Home Based Care Training organized by this NGO for the HIV infected and affected families. Basically it's about taking care of an ill or bed ridden person at home. Information and practical application were shared and demonstrated which made the learning fun and more interesting.
During this event, the Lord did something wonderful. Surprisingly God has allowed me to be a witness to five different persons in just one night! The first person was seeking for answers on how to change and not do the things that brought him the infection.
The second one though did not go well at first. Inadvertently I came across to him in a judgmental and alienating way when we talked about my stand on homosexuality as a Christian. I have learned a lot from this conversation and we parted ways as two mature man.
The third and the fourth person are best of friends. I have met this guy at the mall that night when he smiled at me then we talked and I found out that he used to be a Christian. When I revealed my status to him and to his friend they began to think about their lives now and so grateful that I have shared my life to them. We're good friends now.
God saved the best for last. Before I go to bed that night, I was able to talk to one of my co-trainees. He shared his life and I shared mine and in the end, he accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior!
It was tedious but truly an amazing night! To be used by God to save souls or even just simply plant a mustard seed in an unexpected time and place makes this Christian life even better. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Amazing Grace
Honestly, I am not so happy to blog about the things happened to me in the past few weeks. But of course, this is my journal and I believe I must write them down. Certainly there were lessons learned needs to be imparted.
After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.
Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!
It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!
A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!
In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.
Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.
Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.
Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.
This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
After that major fall I have committed two more. That makes a total of three sexual sins from the time I have broken my vow of self consecration. Looking down at the pattern, it turned out that I become more vulnerable after a major victory. Aside from believing the lie of the enemy that since I failed already it's alright to fall again, the Lord has revealed to me that Jesus was not really my shield of protection but my HIV status! That's why when I've found people who accept my condition I can't help but to give in then realizing that I can never trust my own flesh and myself.
Unexpectedly and surprisingly, I only felt a small amount of guilt. In addition to that, confessing to God and asking for His forgiveness was not that hard for me. Bewildered and a bit worried, I began questioning my close Christian friends and the answer they all have given me was....you guessed it right, the amazing grace of God!
It says in the word of God that when Jesus died on the cross, He took all away the sins along with guilt, shame, fear, loneliness as well as condemnation! This is the time when I truly realized in my heart how our Heavenly Father truly loves us! That's why I pray everyday that God will overflow my heart with love for Him and help me to see things, people and sins through His eyes. I do not want to abuse the grace and mercy which are freely given to us by God although He knows exactly when and how many times we will fail and sin against Him. We can never disappoint God! That's how our Heavenly Father who created us infinitely love us all!
A wretched man and a Christian like me struggling with sin can only be saved by His grace! A million thanks to our Lord Jesus Christ!
In connection with that, God have spoken to me through the book by Jim Cymbala "Breakthrough Prayer" about this love. Growing in the Lord will always be characterized by an increase in love. 1 John 4:20-21 says that if anyone says "I love God" yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God whom ha has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Increasing and strengthening our faith is one way of expressing our love for Jesus. Faith is a paramount in the daily life of a Christian. In Matthew 9:30 says, according to your faith it will be done to you.
Loving my brothers and sisters or all the people around me or looking at them like the way God looks at them and increasing my faith are the two important things He has shown to me to grow and mature spiritually through this book. I believe this is the fundamental way all Christians must live their lives daily.
Believing and increasing my faith that at His own pace, God is continuously changing me to become the man that He wanted me to be, I will be healed from this sexual brokenness and fulfill the promises He has made for me. Hopefully and prayerfully, I will be stronger enough with full confidence and trust in Jesus to resist the temptations that will come next and not fall again to this detestable sin.
Despite the fact that the amazing grace and mercy are always available for us, we must not abuse it. Learn our lessons from our mistakes, have self control and love God more and more each day above all else.
This is how our Abba Father loves us very much. Thank you for the amazing grace. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ.
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