Leading With A Limp

In the midst of reading this book by Dan B. Allender, I was struggling really badly with my SSA sexual struggle that I thought of “leaving” and saying goodbye to my Pastor and the church. The reason was, somewhat I came to the point that I can no longer endure being torn apart inside almost all the time between what I want to do but I do not do and what I do not want to do but I do. Struggling with sin, as Paul described in Romans 7 and delineated it as thorn in the flesh, is no longer bearable to me that if God cannot just let me die to stop disgracing and dishonoring His name, might as well sojourn this Christian life and stop struggling. But on the day I was about to do it, I asked God desperately to speak to me of His assurance of His love and mercy. Otherwise, I will continue running away.

God has proven once again His faithfulness and He truly reaches out to us and hears us at desperate times when we honestly ask. The Lord used the story of Peter after His resurrection and the paradox of grace in this book as He spoke to me through these messages. I was weeping the whole time listening and reading from it!

His words to me were simply, to try again for His grace never runs out. That was the challenge, to have more faith and try again because when we fail and sin, believing in God’s grace gives us the opportunity to try again. It is the essence of Jesus’ resurrection, which could mean a new beginning.

As for the book, falling forward is recommended and leading requires a weakness, flaws or struggles like mine to be effective. With the ministry God has entrusted me, which is proclaiming the gospel through what He has done into my life as HIV+ and a Christian struggling with SSA, I influence and lead people. And I cannot afford to be plastic and pretend that I am okay when actually I am not at least to my Pastor and few trusted friends. According to Allender, we need to tell stories about failure and the need for grace. We need to share stories that invite hearer to consider the wild, inverted paradox of grace. Three great paradoxes helped me to be reminded of what living nowadays as a struggling Christian is all about according to him.

We have been saved. We are being saved and one day we will be saved. We commonly refer to this as “being work in progress.” No one is finished, and no one is fully redeemed even though God calls us saints and beloved. We live in a state of the already and not yet. Simply true that I am still a sinner, a chief one, that committing failure and sins are inevitable in this life that is why we should fall forward and need grace.

The call to be strong and tender is the second paradox. Again according to Allender, it is easier to be just one and not the other. True strength must be courageous enough to confess cowardice and tender enough to admit self-absorption. A limping leader must delight in the dignity of those who offer feedback about failure even if they do so in a manner that lacks finesse or wisdom.

Lastly, the ways of being wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove is the paradox that implies that we are to be no less crafty than the serpent and must not be naïve or foolishly innocent. We are meant to be cunning and clever as we invite other to the gospel and at the same time, we are to live with harmless presence of a dove.

All these, which gave me all the reason to stay in Him for what I have been through and still going through, magnifies the value of grace and invites others not to be surprised by my own desperate need of Jesus and the gospel. I might stumble again but will persevere in falling forward because I caught up in the person of Jesus. He is the reason of everything I am. I will continue to believe and hold on to His grace no matter what and model growth to show and point people to Him.

This has become a part of my message when I shared my testimony a couple of days ago before the leaders of this Christian church from all over the country. We are all broken and struggling, as we lead people to Christ, and constantly in need of His amazing grace, mercy and unconditional love.

God bless everyone!

Struggle, School, Birthday & Ministry

The past seven weeks were so crazy with the schedules. After the Theo Forum, I had to finish the modular class on Gender & Sexuality followed by a two-day retreat on a weekend, class reports, counseling projects, papers, lots of readings, final exams, ministry invitations, and more papers! I only took off a day from all these, which was on my birthday. As of this writing, I still have one more paper to do.

Allow me to talk first about what happened in this class. It was not my first time to hear about homosexual Christians serving the Lord but for some reason, I was totally disturbed and got confused with things I heard such as, “the Bible has no sexual ethics but only love ethics and homosexuality is not the issue but on how the Scriptures inform us to live our lives (Wink, 1996). Then I was remind about a conversation I had with my former mentor that there are same sex couple who are Christians and actively serving the Lord in their church. Moreover she said, who are they to judge or condemn them and deny acceptance to serve God in their congregation. All these thoughts really have tested my values and belief I have carried for more than five years now. If other Christians can allow these, why do I have to struggle and deprive myself from this longing and intimacy with a man? Not only that, I heard one famous Christian speaker on TV proclaiming that we should follow our desires and enjoy life for they are God’s gift instead of suffering! And all these took place when I thought God has finally liberated me from the deep shame of sharing my homosexual struggle where I have felt confidence and conviction speaking about this part of my life for the first time!

Spiritual attack was what all this about according to a very trusted friend. Truly I sought God and His will for me regarding this matter for honestly, there is this small part of me who wanted to follow the desire to be intimate with a guy while serving the Lord and feel not guilty. And He brought me back to where I have experienced Him very intimately and spoke to me about the truth, in which He continuously brings healing to me all by His grace. It was like “this is my will for you and you do not have to think about others beliefs on this issue, it is about what have agreed upon. Simply love them the way I love you.” And for me, loving them is not accepting what they believe but giving it a respect. That was how this confusion settled.

My 36^th birthday happened quietly with my family. Well, that was what I thought because a lot of people remembered to greet me even I have removed it from my FB and skype profile. Surprisingly after a couple of days, two very good girlfriends of mine from my last workplace showed up at the school and gave me an Angry Bird balloon and small cup birthday cake as their presents! They have never failed to make my birthday really special.

As for the papers and final exams, I thank God for everything went very well even better than I have expected. I was able to study and confidently able to do the finals two weeks ago and last week. The due papers were done earlier and the last one can wait after this Holy Week to start with for the submission was still eight days after the next month sets in. When it comes to ministry work, I was able to share twice more God’s goodness and faithfulness in my life and do Facilitation Skills and Positive Living training for PLHIV future Learning Group Session (LGS) facilitators.

The SSA and sexual struggles are still there but God is with me all the time even there were times I was not so I will never cease living the life Jesus has given me in the midst of these struggles. What a way to end this semester, almost.  Looking forward to relax for a moment and pray for work and finances to continue my studies so please do pray for me.

Blessings to all!

HIV, SSA, God and Me

The first 31 days of 2013 has passed fleetingly and a lot of great things happened already.

On the second week of last month, I have shared my testimony through a “lifeline” in one of our class in an almost quite detail. More people now know my HIV status, my homosexual or SSA struggle, and the ministry God has involved me in relation to these two. Revealing the “real” me under my identity in Christ is always liberating, rewarding and brings healing through relationships. People have appreciated it and they were all blessed.

For two consecutive days last week, I shared again “God’s story” through the life He has given to me to few pastors of PCEC to advocate on HIV&AIDS Channels of Hope. Many were called but very few were chosen to participate and listen to us, and eventually realized the serious role of church in the HIV&AIDS ministry.

On the personal side, I have received a prophetic word from the Lord through one of our church elders. This year I will be alone in Him for God will remove (hopefully temporarily) the people I lean on and it will be just me and God, that I will be able to say that ‘God is my delight’. His Spirit will explode and I will fall in love more with Jesus. I guess it is starting to takes place.

This week alone, I have encountered God’s presence twice already or perhaps even more than that. When I woke up two mornings ago, upon greeting the Lord and say my regular morning prayer to begin my day, immediately I felt his presence as I turned on the TV and saw the episode I missed from one my favorite series lately! It was like God telling me that even in the simplest and smallest desires of our hearts, He can hear it and He answers. Truly God can speak to us in anyway He can! Tears were flowing endlessly for almost an hour as I continue reading His words for the day after uttering my morning prayer. This morning, virtually the same thing happened! After praying while preparing my breakfast and as I read today’s word from ‘God’s Little Devotional Book’, His message to me was that, He is a TRUE friend to me, whom I can always count on regardless of what I have done. He is not interested with my explanations on why I have done this or that for He is a friend to me no matter what. ‘When I have made a fool out of myself, God does not feel I have done a permanent job.’ Again, all these made me broke into tears.

Tomorrow, I will be sharing again what God has done and still doing into my life. This time, the focus is where God’s grace is enormously present and truly heals me, which is my sexual brokenness, the SSA struggle. For the past almost five years of testifying to God’s grace through the Channels of Hope HIV ministry, I have been excluding this part of my life. And last year up to early this year, God has spoken to me very clearly that I do not have to hide it because of the shame I am feeling towards it. It is time to really give up my reputation to Him and tell His story that He is writing, without shame, through this brokenness. ‘A changed of heart to love him with all my heart and soul so that I may live is His word for me! (Deut. 30:6-9) And I will obey all His commands and He will make me successful in everything that I do!’ Of course, who am I not to claim joyfully and prayed deeply into my heart that I will truly be able to do this by His grace?

Again, the Lord can use any medium He wants to accomplish His purpose for His glory because the person who invited me to speak met me through this blog! I feel so blessed and very happy to meet this couple. I can feel strongly that God is up to something big!

Not only that, I am still waiting for confirmation but I might also share in a forum next week. With all these things happening in the midst of being a full time student with so much school requirements to finish, I really appreciate your prayers if you can do so.

Each day I ask God to take over and take charge of my life and lead me every step of the way for I do not want to go either left or right. I just desire to walk at the center of His will and everyday submission to Him is the best way to make it through!

Shalom everyone!

Christmas 2012 is Simply Jesus

Happy Christmas to all who follow this blog and to everyone out there! This season is all about Jesus who was sent by our Father God to save us through living for Him and for Him alone. Happy Birthday my dear Lord Jesus Christ! Thank you very much for coming into my life and for all of us. Truly all the honor, praises and glory be upon you and your name be lifted up and exalted to the highest.

“Simply Jesus” was the title of the Christmas celebration in our church. In connection with this, I am so personally grateful to God for allowing me to step up into a new challenge. When the task of EMCEE-ing the event was offered to me with another church friend, I nervously but happily accepted it. With a couple of rehearsals and prayers, people liked and even tagged us as the newly discovered EMCEEs! This was evidenced by the compliments we received at the end of the program. Honestly, my partner and I both enjoyed it and looking forward now for future events to hone this just recently found career LOL!

As for the message for this season, like Mary, Joseph and the inn keeper in the 1^st century, we must all make also a room for Jesus especially in our hearts. And for the Christians all over the world, it is about time to take back the lead in celebrating the birth of our Savior and showing the true meaning of this season.

Wishing you all a Christ-centered and a blessed Christmas! 

Happy 5th Second Birthday!

Five years ago today, I was at the lowest, totally hopeless, and darkest point of my life that the only way I can think of was death. With a flickering fear that have prevented me from taking my own life, God have intervened and met me through one of His daughters who happened to be also a “healer” and had been seeing me for almost a year then. That was the day when I have yielded my life to God the Heavenly Father and asked Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior. 

A lot of things have taken place in the past five years of my journey with the Lord. It was not a bed of roses kind of road for some of these events were tough challenges and disciplines. But irrefutably, most of them were huge blessings and breakthroughs in my life. Just to name a few, God have entrusted me a quite challenging ministry on HIV&AIDS through Channels of Hope as His ambassador, which I have done, and still doing very passionately. Sharing or testifying God’s faithfulness, abounding mercy, love and grace in my life was not an easy task but I felt so blessed that God has chosen someone as broken, dirty and unworthy like me to be a channel of His Hope to many. And through this ministry, God made one of my dreams came true and that is to travel not only in the country but also in some parts of the world too, with the blessing of carrying and spreading His words for the people. Presently, who would have thought I would be in a Bible School to study Pastoral Counseling? Is not that amazing? Now I am in my second year and truly enjoying it.

How about my struggles as a Christian having attraction with the same sex and all other sexual sins that are associated with this brokenness? Did it disappear or at least have progressed immensely and turned me more holy than the others? Or have I completely healed or cured from HIV and at the same time have totally become heterosexual? Probably, these are the questions I might encounter from people if ever I will have my own “press conference.”

Well, perhaps you will be sad to know that I still struggle with the same sex attraction and other sexual sins that come with it such as pornography and masturbation. Although, I have to say that God has been so merciful and gracious to me to have more victory over this battle than loss. I am more of in control (or God) over this selfishness than before. More importantly, this brought me closer to and made me hungrier for Jesus for all our struggles in life made me realize that we are absolutely nothing apart from Him. I guess the Lord is not going to take it away very soon but I will never stop seeking Him more and praying to grow more in Him through this. I surmise this, too answers the question on my heterosexuality. Do not fret if I am still HIV+ because I strongly believe that God is healing me on His own way. My viral load count remains undetectable, my CD4 count is still very close to normal and most of all, I am virtually healthy!

Aside from the church and ministry friends I already have, the new friends whom I can be really my self with the warts and all, I have gained from the Bible school were all great blessings and that I am so grateful with the Lord, not to mention all the new learning and skills I have been acquiring from my classes. And like God, the church that adopted me as part of the believing community who remained supportive and faithful to me is something I also should be thankful for.

Finally, all of these did not make me holier than others but turned me into a more mature and better believer in Christ and as a person. Confidently I can say that I am not the person that I used to be five years ago for God has changed a lot in me. God is not yet done with me, He still changing me, working behind my back to make the man He wanted me to become for I am not yet that man. Struggles in life, which is incomparable to the suffering on the cross Jesus took in our place, that comes in this journey with the Lord Jesus is part of the deal for it is the place where God can transform us into His likeness.

So no matter how you feel unworthy or undeserving of your self or of your life, or whatever situation you are in at this moment, just turn to God and entrust your life to Jesus for He is the only way, the truth and the life. There may be difficulties but there are also lots of blessings in journeying with Him and those life events are God’s platform where He can transform us and live this life to the fullness He intended for us.

Like what I always say every time I speak before a group of people in the workshops or training, the past five years of my life with Jesus is much better and joyful compared to my life before I get to know Him. God sacrificed His own son for us to be in the most wonderful relationship with Him. An everyday surrender and small sacrifice from our part to honor and worship Him in exchange to a greater, blessed and full life is nothing compared to the greatest love of all He have shown to us. And all of these make this life wonderful, adventurous and worthy to live! Though I still have dreams and desires, I can say I am happy and contented and will continue live for God’s purposes and for Him alone.

If you have not took that step yet of giving up your right to govern your life to Jesus for He’s far more worthy to do it, you can do it now and begin this amazing relationship with our Creator through Him. It could be the one and only reason why have you come across this blog whether accidentally (though I don’t believe on accidents) or intentionally, and read up to this point so go! He is excitedly waiting for you!