I have spent the past nine days in Cebu for the training of facilitators batch two for Channels of Hope or COH. This time together with other facilitators from the first batch, I acted as a co-trainer under the mentorship of Christo Greyling.
The training was successful and we had a great time working all together. My foster mother from Palawan and I were re-united for she was one of the participants as well as my own doctor. We were also able to spend some time together.
I left the city with a heavy heart. Somehow I was attached to this guy from the hotel that I am attracted to and when I showed special attention to him and he did not respond, I must admit my pride and feelings was hurt. This was what I got from doing stupid things like that. I know I should have not done that in the first place. What triggered me to do that was because he was nice to me and I like him. Not only that I have sinned but it also made me feel bad after doing such. I felt so cheap that time that's why I did not even say goodbye to him nor smile at him on my last day there. Yes I cried upon leaving for it's like another death to my own self. Nonetheless, it was over and I am alright now. It's just one of my dumbness when it comes to my SSA struggle. Oh Lord, how long will it take for me to bear things like this?
On the brighter side, I was able to get to ride finally on the world's first edge coaster and have seen the beauty of Cebu city! Next visit probably I will do the sky walk.
It was a memorable trip indeed for I not only enjoyed it but also got the realization that I must really stop acting on my desires for men even in small ways which I think harmless initially. I must stop and focus on Jesus more.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Beautiful Soul
I am almost done reading "The Life God Blesses" by Gordon MacDonald, only few chapters left. There are three subjects from this book which I think every Christian must know. The first one is the questions guide to have a beautiful soul.
1. Who am I really trying to please?
2. What needs am I trying to meet? What insecurities am I pampering? And what feelings am I storing up?
3. With whom/what am I competing?
4. What rewards am I seeking?
5. What guilt or shame might I be covering?
These five questions must be answered every time we make choices or decisions or about to do something in our Christian life. It was austerely and yet meticulously answered in the book so I suggest you grab a copy. I'm not done yet reading like I have said but in my opinion this is one of the best books that everyone must read to have a life God will truly blesses! I will share the other two very important subjects on my next posts.
1. Who am I really trying to please?
2. What needs am I trying to meet? What insecurities am I pampering? And what feelings am I storing up?
3. With whom/what am I competing?
4. What rewards am I seeking?
5. What guilt or shame might I be covering?
These five questions must be answered every time we make choices or decisions or about to do something in our Christian life. It was austerely and yet meticulously answered in the book so I suggest you grab a copy. I'm not done yet reading like I have said but in my opinion this is one of the best books that everyone must read to have a life God will truly blesses! I will share the other two very important subjects on my next posts.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Latest COH Workshop
This is my eleventh COH workshop to facilitate and fourth as a lead. The recently held seminar last week was intended for the staff of the organization I am working for. Unfortunately, there were only 9 staff attended and the rest were from church partners.
"It challenged my views and has opened up my heart and mind to the reality of HIV and AIDS. I will definitely share it to my family and friends and encourage other office staff to attend this seminar. All Christians must be educated and get involved in this issue and be a channel of hope!"
The above statement is just one of the many positive feedback and comments of more than twenty participants. What a blessing from the Heavenly Father! He's truly faithful and good all the time. Seeing the transformation of the people after acquiring knowledge and learning from the workshop really puts me in a blissful moment especially when they commit and try to do something to be a channel of hope!
I really love telling my story because it is simply a story of God's grace. People has been touched and realized that all of us are living in the realm of God's grace and mercy. Continuously, I also learn something from them and every workshop were different from each other. God is moving people differently through this ministry.
I pray that the Lord will continue to use me for the advancement of his kingdom and help me to use the full potential of the gifts He had given me. I cannot do this without Jesus so I give back all praise and glory to Him. Amen.
"It challenged my views and has opened up my heart and mind to the reality of HIV and AIDS. I will definitely share it to my family and friends and encourage other office staff to attend this seminar. All Christians must be educated and get involved in this issue and be a channel of hope!"
The above statement is just one of the many positive feedback and comments of more than twenty participants. What a blessing from the Heavenly Father! He's truly faithful and good all the time. Seeing the transformation of the people after acquiring knowledge and learning from the workshop really puts me in a blissful moment especially when they commit and try to do something to be a channel of hope!
I really love telling my story because it is simply a story of God's grace. People has been touched and realized that all of us are living in the realm of God's grace and mercy. Continuously, I also learn something from them and every workshop were different from each other. God is moving people differently through this ministry.
I pray that the Lord will continue to use me for the advancement of his kingdom and help me to use the full potential of the gifts He had given me. I cannot do this without Jesus so I give back all praise and glory to Him. Amen.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Boy Meets Girl
This book of Joshua Harris talks about courtship and romance with a purpose; it's having a relationship in a Christian way.
First I thought, why on earth would I read this kind of book? I have no intentions of getting into a relationship at least in the very near future. Above all else I have no intentions yet of getting married. Yes the desire to have a girlfriend who will eventually become my wife was already there but why now? I asked the Lord.
Nonchalantly, I read it and whoa! I have felt like God was speaking to me though Harris' words and stories. Astonishingly, it's not just about relationship. He talks about how we should live our life as a man and woman of God in order for us to be in a match made in heaven! A God- given gift kind of relationship and marriage.
Aside from the things I have learned on ways of getting into courtship and its significance, what really struck me most was the part when Harris discussed what's being pure and holy is! And also why living pure and holy and without even a hint of sexual immorality is of great value especially for God. That's when I realized and decided that I will try my best to really live pure and holy, of course with confidence in Jesus for I cannot do it alone by myself.
Harris also explained in details the meaning of God's sacrifice and Jesus' crucifixion in relation to purity and holiness. For some reason, not only that I have deeply appreciated it but I have finally come to full understanding of God's love!
I am so blessed and grateful to have read and finished this book. Is it possible that God is gradually preparing me to be in a relationship? It started several weeks ago when I have felt the desire to have a girlfriend and be married, and then I have began to like this girl in our church and now we are somewhat close friends. Could she be the girl? Could this be the start of the new chapter of my life? Am I really prepared and ready for this? Well, only God knows and I am in bliss.
I have decided to pray about this for almost two weeks now and optimistically to hear from HIM in his perfect timing. For the mean time, I will enjoy my friendship with her and continue to get to know her more.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Bitter - Sweet Victory
I am very glad that I have chosen to do the right things which is not to have sex with the two guys I have mentioned in my previous blog. To choose Jesus is not easy especially if you already made your decision not to.
Though I've made up my mind, I told it to the people I am accountable with except to my pastor though he found out later on so that they can pray for me hoping that by some miracle my decision will be changed. Sunday last week I prayed for that miracle and it happened. The Lord has spoken to me about freedom and that's when I realized that Jesus has freed me long time ago. All I have to do is to live by that freedom. In short, I have painfully changed my decision not to do it and chose Jesus instead.
Not only that, I also have decided to do most of the restitution God has asked me to do back in Baguio during the Nazarite training. I asked forgiveness and told the truth about my HIV status to almost all of the guys I have sex with after my diagnosis. They have forgiven me and thank God they are negative!
I have to do the remaining restitution in the coming weeks for I have decided to live holy and pure and will try not to have even a hint of sexual immorality of course with the aid of God's grace, Ephesians 5:3.
Bitter victory because I literally cried inside and out over the death to this desire miserably and I know that temptations will always be there to test me. Sweet victory because I believed I have pleased God and I have felt I am really free from this bondage, hoping and praying that I will be stronger for the succeeding battle. This victory has given me the courage to do the restitution I must do for I strongly believed God has given me the grace to do it.
One of these two guys sympathized with me upon learning my situation. We talked personally and I ended up sharing with him the goodness that the Lord has done so far in my life. God is really good all the time. Thank you Jesus!
Though I've made up my mind, I told it to the people I am accountable with except to my pastor though he found out later on so that they can pray for me hoping that by some miracle my decision will be changed. Sunday last week I prayed for that miracle and it happened. The Lord has spoken to me about freedom and that's when I realized that Jesus has freed me long time ago. All I have to do is to live by that freedom. In short, I have painfully changed my decision not to do it and chose Jesus instead.
Not only that, I also have decided to do most of the restitution God has asked me to do back in Baguio during the Nazarite training. I asked forgiveness and told the truth about my HIV status to almost all of the guys I have sex with after my diagnosis. They have forgiven me and thank God they are negative!
I have to do the remaining restitution in the coming weeks for I have decided to live holy and pure and will try not to have even a hint of sexual immorality of course with the aid of God's grace, Ephesians 5:3.
Bitter victory because I literally cried inside and out over the death to this desire miserably and I know that temptations will always be there to test me. Sweet victory because I believed I have pleased God and I have felt I am really free from this bondage, hoping and praying that I will be stronger for the succeeding battle. This victory has given me the courage to do the restitution I must do for I strongly believed God has given me the grace to do it.
One of these two guys sympathized with me upon learning my situation. We talked personally and I ended up sharing with him the goodness that the Lord has done so far in my life. God is really good all the time. Thank you Jesus!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Extreme Ambivalence
It's so funny that I talked about last time about the new desires I have and yet at this point I am in the biggest spiritual battle I am facing ever and I have to make a decision imminently.
I never thought it would be this difficult for me to make the right decision which is to choose Jesus. I feel like I am Achan for I have kept something from my old life and now God has revealed it to me to yield it to him and totally turn my back away from it.
For the past year, I have kept in communication with these two guys with the idea in mind that after a year of my celibacy I would try again to have sex just once. Now that I am beyond that, 16th months of consecration on the 20th of this month to be exact, I do really want to do it. I never mentioned this to anyone until now that I do really want to do it. I told it to my close friends in church and to my friends in the office so that they can pray for me and help me to convince me not to do it.
I know exactly what to do and I do not want to do it. I have to die to this desire once and for all and walk my Christian life straight and there must be no turning back to my old life. My decision could either make me or break me.
As of this posting I am still extremely ambivalent! My God please change my heart and help me to choose YOU! My spirit is willing but my body is weak so help me God. I am literally crying inside and out to God and to my friends, knowing the truth that I have to give them up and choose Jesus. The emotions I am feeling right now is far more painful than what I felt when I found out that I am HIV positive.
May the grace of the Lord be upon me in the name of Jesus. Amen.
I never thought it would be this difficult for me to make the right decision which is to choose Jesus. I feel like I am Achan for I have kept something from my old life and now God has revealed it to me to yield it to him and totally turn my back away from it.
For the past year, I have kept in communication with these two guys with the idea in mind that after a year of my celibacy I would try again to have sex just once. Now that I am beyond that, 16th months of consecration on the 20th of this month to be exact, I do really want to do it. I never mentioned this to anyone until now that I do really want to do it. I told it to my close friends in church and to my friends in the office so that they can pray for me and help me to convince me not to do it.
I know exactly what to do and I do not want to do it. I have to die to this desire once and for all and walk my Christian life straight and there must be no turning back to my old life. My decision could either make me or break me.
As of this posting I am still extremely ambivalent! My God please change my heart and help me to choose YOU! My spirit is willing but my body is weak so help me God. I am literally crying inside and out to God and to my friends, knowing the truth that I have to give them up and choose Jesus. The emotions I am feeling right now is far more painful than what I felt when I found out that I am HIV positive.
May the grace of the Lord be upon me in the name of Jesus. Amen.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
New Desire
Hello readers!
For the past few weeks I have been feeling this new desire in me. A desire to have a relationship with a woman and to get married!
I've got a crush on this beautiful girl in our church but every time I see and talk to her, the more my desire to be with her intensifies. If you're going to ask me, I like her to be my wife but if God has other girl for me I pray that she'll be like her or even better. This girl knows everything about me and we're very close friends now. Lord knows that I am satiated being a single and serving Him because of my health condition but if it His will for me to have a wife and a family then so be it God; but please prepare my heart and soul for this. This is totally unfamiliar to me.
I do not know God's reason why on earth the book "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris is in my hands and currently reading the 5th chapter. It's about courtship with a purpose that will eventually lead to a God-blessed marriage, like a match made in heaven. God knows I am not ready for this so I have decided to enjoy the book and learn from it. Also I will just enjoy my friendship with this girl pro tempore.
Totally healed from sexual brokenness is what I want when I get into a relationship with a woman but it does not seem the God's plan for me. I believe He will give me a partner who will help me in this healing process.
Honestly, I am a little scared but happy and excited! Could this be the time where God is gradually changing my heart? I hope this kind of feeling perpetuates. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ! Shalom!
For the past few weeks I have been feeling this new desire in me. A desire to have a relationship with a woman and to get married!
I've got a crush on this beautiful girl in our church but every time I see and talk to her, the more my desire to be with her intensifies. If you're going to ask me, I like her to be my wife but if God has other girl for me I pray that she'll be like her or even better. This girl knows everything about me and we're very close friends now. Lord knows that I am satiated being a single and serving Him because of my health condition but if it His will for me to have a wife and a family then so be it God; but please prepare my heart and soul for this. This is totally unfamiliar to me.
I do not know God's reason why on earth the book "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris is in my hands and currently reading the 5th chapter. It's about courtship with a purpose that will eventually lead to a God-blessed marriage, like a match made in heaven. God knows I am not ready for this so I have decided to enjoy the book and learn from it. Also I will just enjoy my friendship with this girl pro tempore.
Totally healed from sexual brokenness is what I want when I get into a relationship with a woman but it does not seem the God's plan for me. I believe He will give me a partner who will help me in this healing process.
Honestly, I am a little scared but happy and excited! Could this be the time where God is gradually changing my heart? I hope this kind of feeling perpetuates. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ! Shalom!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)