D R . E L R O I


Saturday, March 22, 2008

How It All Started 2nd Part

I learned how to use the internet at work all by myself and a co-worker of mine taught me how to go to an internet chat room. By the way, I am the type of person who is very independent and will not ask any help from anyone as much as possible though I have changed a bit now. I don't have my own computer and doing this at work was prohibited, I don't have much time to go to an internet cafe that's why chat TV became my first way to get in touched with bisexuals and straight-acting gays via celfone. My eagerness to try having sex with a guy was also triggered by the gay porn film I have seen owned by my housemate, who was by the way had no idea up to this time that I accidentally saw his collections of gay porn film and like me he's also in the closet. I never told him that we're on the same boat coz we used to work in a same company. The feeling of doing it had become so intense every time I watched good looking men with nice physique doing each other on film. So through chat TV, I can't remember the station; I have decided to meet this guy named Earnie somewhere else near my place. When I met him, he's with another guy and he told me that if it's ok to bring his boyfriend. At first, I felt a little uncomfortable coz it was my first time and I'll gonna do two guys! But since they both look ok for me, though Ernie was really my type, I agreed and we went to my place and did it. Finally, I had experienced what I used to be seen only on gay porn film, kissing, sucking, and yes, anal sex. It was good as my first sex experience but believe it or not, I have felt a little guilt feeling when they left but I did not mind nor thought about it that much. This couple became a good friend of mine and introduced me to places where I need to go if I want to associate myself and meet people like us or PLUs and got hook up with them. I learned also from them some techniques on how to determine if the guy is straight or not and they also introduced me to some ways on hooking up with guys on the internet chat rooms and websites. Through chatting on websites like face-pic.com, pic-link.com, gaydar.co.uk, myspace.com, Yahoo chat rooms, and my last was in guys4men.com, I learned things like fetishes, gay terms like top is the one who do the fucking and bottom is the one being fuck, orgy or group sex, condoms, and later on more extreme sex practices like double-fucking, exhibitionism, and etc. Honestly, I have tried orgy once and the rest like twice or thrice. Also, I have deleted now all my account on those websites.

I also had relationships with men. My first one was the guy named Cesar and I met him at the National Bookstore when I transferred to Makati in late 2002. He's really my type physically, fair-skinned, tall, muscular, handsome, and 10 years older than me. I am more attracted to mature, older men who look younger than their real age, and with muscular or nice body. Everything on the gay world was still new then for me, that am why when he asked me to be his boyfriend I did not agreed at first coz I am just sexually attracted to him and I don't have any feelings for him but only as a friend. I hurt him so to speak but I am just being blunt so as not to hurt him that much and to avoid any confusion in the future. We became fuck buddies for 6 months though I discreetly seeing other men especially when he left for 6 months. That was the time when I realized that I missed him and fell in love with him so when he came back I told him about my feelings but he rejected me. Well, what goes around comes around so when he told me that we have to remain just fuck buddies and he don't have anymore feelings for me I accepted it. I am not the type who force on things that much, if the guy don't like me, it's just fine. For me it's either yes or no, end of conversation. Our relationship, if you can call it a relationship, continued for another 6 months until I have decided to put an end to it coz it just doesn't work anymore.

Modesty aside, it was not hard for me to get a guy coz I myself is quite attractive. I am tall enough like 5 feet 8 inches, having nice physique proportioned by regular work out, and according to many I've got a pretty face. I have continued to indulge into casual sex very actively for the next two years and tend to lie down a bit when I went back where I came from and left Manila in late 2004. I still visit manila from time to time when I have modeling assignments and it was late 2005 when I had my second relationship which lasted only for a month or less, partly my fault why we have decided to part ways. Then after that, I had my third and last relationship with a married man with a kid which lasted for only 6 months coz it's very complicated. Later on I have realized and learned that in the same sex relationship, there is no contentment on both parties. At first, the couple would enjoy each other's company but time will come that both of them will look for another especially if they are not satisfied with each other whether its on a physical, emotional, mental, especially on sexual basis. Well, it's just based on my experience and on the testimonies given to me by the couples I have met for sex. I asked them why a couple would look for a third party if they have decided to stay together, and most of them commit themselves to each other for companionship as lovers, friends, fuck buddies, with pleasure from other guys. They call it open relationship which I did not picture myself to be in that kind of commitment. That's why after my three relationships, I have decided to stay single coz in my own opinion and again based on my experience my quest for satisfaction, contentment or happiness with a guy is endless. Not to mention that it is morally wrong, also it is a sin according to the bible. Probably that was the reason why I feel guilty after every sexual encounter. I must admit that it feels good physically during the sexual act itself but after that, after all the heat was released and my partner or partners and I were separated I have a feeling of emptiness in addition to guilt. Most probably because I knew this was all wrong and it is a sin.

From 2003 up to 2005, I never had a regular job because I had given my self an opportunity to try things that I've dreamed about like putting a small business and modeling. Time frame has been set for these things which I thought only enough to determine if I can be successful or not and then move on if things did not happen the way I expected it. Unfortunately, things did not go well and I always have a back up plan for every step I make. So in 2005 I have applied for an immigrant visa for Australia hoping to start a new life there and try to recover the large sum of money I have lost for the past years. It took me two long years to complete the whole process. Last step for the application was the medical before the release of the visa so I have decided to get a regular job while waiting to save money for the visa fee and for my pocket money as well. In early 2006, I got employed in a call center and stayed there for 18 months.

My last two relationships happened in late 2005, and they are the only two guys I had sex with so you see I can still be faithful but it's hard on my part. I am the type who is most of the time gets horny every time I see a sexy guy, that's why its hard for me to stick into one guy but somehow I managed to do that especially to my last relationship because I really loved him. I have decided to leave him for three reasons. First, I began to ask more time from him even though I am very well aware that he has a wife, probably because I am jealous of her. Second, I know that these kinds of relationship will not going anywhere so before it gets deeper and deeper I have decided to put an end to it; perhaps to avoid too much pain on my part. Lastly, because I am aware that same sex relationship is a sin I don't want to become more of a sinner by sleeping with someone else's husband. Then after that, still I continued to meet guys for casual sex but not as frequent as before coz I am working. Probably, I had sex with more than a hundred guys if you will gonna ask me how many guys I had sex with. I had sex with these hundred guys but what about the guys they had sex with? It looks like indirectly I had sexually encountered with them as well. It's easy for me to do it because I used to stay alone in my apartment or room so a place was never become a problem for my SEBs or sex eye ball. Also I must admit that I have few unprotected sexual encounters, those were the times that it was inevitable. For instance, the guy was not into wearing condoms and I really like the guy so I agreed to do it bareback or simply the condom was not at hand and we're both very horny.

So, in late 2006, when I had my medical result as part of the application for my visa, my HIV result was positive!

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